2:23PM - Joy of Joys
I just straightened Dwain out and explained to him that I don't want Daniel to feel he has to keep information from me, such as that there is going to be a concert from his band in school,because I feel it is not a good position to put him in.. Not that we haven't had this talk before. I am really angry at him. Daniel acted as though I was not supposed to know there was a concert tomorrow.. Last time there was going to be one he was all thrilled and talked about it for weeks on end and wanted to be sure that I would be there and I moved heaven and earth to be there... It was one of the most rewarding moments of my life... why would Dwain and his family do this??? To both of us?? I don't understand it. I made sure Dwain knew I had found out about it and that I would be going end of story.
Current mood: 
pissed off
12:51PM - I Am Trying So Hard..
And yet it seems everywhere I turn, for no reason whatsoever, I get rejected... For no reason that has been expressed my KINDRED has ceased communicating with me.. Which makes me feel angry and depressed... Nobody has said a damn thing to me except Lee Ann and that was that she'd keep me 'in mind' if she needed anything... Oh joy... Nobody bothered to call and even say, "we can't get it together enough to pick you up for the blot... " So I made rolls for it... Of course nobody showed.. Luckily bread never goes to waste... But, I have written several times to the KINDRED since then and not a single response... I don't understand it and I am very angry and sad... If I have to I will go solitary again, but being solitary is not natural for Asatru. Our religion is a community oriented religion... I honestly have considered starting my own KINDRED once or twice, but until I am ordained I don't really want to go there...
Current mood: 
angry
9:22PM - A subject I'd rather not discuss on lj
about a year or so ago I lost some very good friends... I am talking to one of them now... at any rate here is the conversation we are having...
freyjasgydhia: time kind of is fluid for me at times.. I lose track of it...
freyjasgydhia: brb
PapaBearColeman: That'll probably happen to me when they let me go here. k.
freyjasgydhia: probably..
freyjasgydhia: though for me it's pretty much always been this way.. an 'eternal now' kind of thing.. part of that 'difference in lifestyle thing' that was pointed out to me so long ago
PapaBearColeman: Well, I wouldn't let it get to you. It's how you choose to live based on what you want. Sometimes things just don't work out.
freyjasgydhia: yeah.. I don't really let it get to me
freyjasgydhia: it was just an example
PapaBearColeman: mm-hmm, now you're sounding like John and Dawn.
freyjasgydhia: huh?
PapaBearColeman: All of you say that it doesn't get to you but, if the subject comes up, the tone and the inflections change to show it still does get to you.
freyjasgydhia: well yeah.. it does get to me..
freyjasgydhia: I miss everyone horridly
freyjasgydhia: but life goes on.. there isn't anything I can do to change it so I will have to adjust right??
freyjasgydhia: *sigh*
freyjasgydhia: I may as well harden up and get used to it
PapaBearColeman: I imagine it's more John you miss than anyone else. The rest of us weren't that big in the scene of your life.
freyjasgydhia: actually I miss you and I do miss dawn she was a big part of my life though we only knew one another on the internet
freyjasgydhia: I finally took the last step of admitting she will never want me in her life again and deleted all the pictures of her that I did.. there were an awful lot of them you know
freyjasgydhia: I spent hours working on them
freyjasgydhia: days
freyjasgydhia: *sigh*
PapaBearColeman: You shouldn't have done that. Should've just stored them on CD.
freyjasgydhia: she has them
freyjasgydhia: if she wants them they're preserved
PapaBearColeman: Yeah, I'm sure but they're part of your memories.
freyjasgydhia: doesn't really matter.. I have enough memories to last.. they're in my heart I don't need them on my computer
freyjasgydhia: I haven't yet deleted the ones of john I haven't been able to
freyjasgydhia: I still have the bracelette michelle gave me
freyjasgydhia: *shrug*
PapaBearColeman: Well, you two spent alot of time together.
freyjasgydhia: yeah... and I had a crush on michelle...
PapaBearColeman: Well, I'm sure that would embarass her. She's engaged now.
freyjasgydhia: I know
freyjasgydhia: I don't think she ever knew
PapaBearColeman: I think she had an inkling.
freyjasgydhia: oh well
freyjasgydhia: life goes on
PapaBearColeman: You're not very subtle.
freyjasgydhia: I tried not to impose myself on her
freyjasgydhia: I didn't want to bother her
freyjasgydhia: ever
freyjasgydhia: You know when I knew Dawn wasn't going to be a friend to me?
PapaBearColeman: That's good. She's like John, she probably wouldn't say much if it did bother her but she would withdraw.
PapaBearColeman: When's that?
freyjasgydhia: when she lost the moss agate heart I went to the trouble of finding and cleaning for her
freyjasgydhia: she lost my heart
freyjasgydhia: and never found it
PapaBearColeman: She loses things easily.
freyjasgydhia: she lost my heart
PapaBearColeman: I caught it.
freyjasgydhia: she didn't care enough to hold onto it
freyjasgydhia: and I told her the story of it.. and it didn't matter enough
freyjasgydhia: It wasn't that I didn't want to be her friend.. it was that she didn't want what I had to offer
freyjasgydhia: that was how it was for me
PapaBearColeman: If it was important to you, you shouldn't have given it away. You hardly knew her at the time.
freyjasgydhia: I knew her pretty well , I thought
freyjasgydhia: It was an act of trust
PapaBearColeman: You hadn't any time together. How can you know someone without time?
freyjasgydhia: I'd spent hours with her.. hours... and I thought I knew her
freyjasgydhia: but of course..
PapaBearColeman: You spent hours online with her.
PapaBearColeman: That's not time in each other's company.
freyjasgydhia: to me I am me whether on line or off.. I believe other people to be the same..
freyjasgydhia: I don't expect otherwise
freyjasgydhia: Maybe I'm naive.. but that's me
PapaBearColeman: To alot of other people, online friends aren't real friends. They click online but until they get to feel you, see you, be with you, they don't apply all the ties of real friendship.
freyjasgydhia: I don't believe in that..
freyjasgydhia: a friend is a friend or they aren't a friend
freyjasgydhia: it's that simple
PapaBearColeman: On-line we don't see all the aspects of another person. Their quirks, their mannerisms, their way of being.
freyjasgydhia: you either put your trust in someone or you don't
freyjasgydhia: you know the funny thing??
PapaBearColeman: It's all filtered via these words and words are poor substitutes for the real thing.
PapaBearColeman: You're like my daughter when it comes to friends, did you know that?
freyjasgydhia: my friend aighmeigh and I, when we met in person. there was no break.. we are both completely honest people and it was natural. there was never any doubt
freyjasgydhia: how's that?
PapaBearColeman: My daughter walks into a room and all the ones who are willing to talk to her are her friends. It doesn't matter whether she's known them for a minute or a year.
freyjasgydhia: I am more selective than that believe it or not
freyjasgydhia: I was introduced to dawn by someone I trusted at the time
freyjasgydhia: if you recall
PapaBearColeman: I know. It's a bit simplified but it's true.
freyjasgydhia: Well I do believe in allowing others to prove they are trustworthy rather than to assume they aren't
PapaBearColeman: Yeah, I understand.
freyjasgydhia: I get hurt more but I think it's better to be hurt and have the ability to love than to have huge walls built up and never know love
freyjasgydhia: stupid maybe
PapaBearColeman: But you also are very willing to jump from "How are you?" to "Be my best friend." in one visit.
freyjasgydhia: maybe
freyjasgydhia: it depends on the person
freyjasgydhia: there was something special about you guys
freyjasgydhia: It took longer with dawn
freyjasgydhia: we built a relationship
freyjasgydhia: I thought
PapaBearColeman: You and John had a relationship.
freyjasgydhia: I should have listened to stephen.. when she showed a pic he said she looked like she had a tendancy to be unstable... boy did he pick it right
freyjasgydhia: I think you were part of it in a different way..
PapaBearColeman: She's 21.
PapaBearColeman: That age is pretty unstable.
freyjasgydhia: and we had some very interesting aspects... we could talk.. like we are now. it was something I respected and appreciated
freyjasgydhia: still do
PapaBearColeman: Plus if you read her LJ there were some danger signs that not everything is copesthetic. She has extreme ups and downs.
freyjasgydhia: she needs antidepressants... I think she could be manic. Idon't say that to put her down. And I haven't said the things about her needing counseling to put her down either.. counseling and antidepressants changed my world..
PapaBearColeman: Yeah, but I have to be careful. You're a sensitivity bomb sometimes.
freyjasgydhia: I honestly think she needs help
freyjasgydhia: sometimes
freyjasgydhia: less lately
freyjasgydhia: I've done a lot of growing
freyjasgydhia: believe it or not
PapaBearColeman: Yeah, but you still need to control any given situation. I don't think that's something you'll ever be able to let go of.
freyjasgydhia: maybe after several years of not having seizures I'll be able to let go more.. who knows.. right now I still feel like I'm living on borrowed time and I'm still very scared at times..
freyjasgydhia: it's not an easy thing to live with.. thus, control over environment is a major issue
freyjasgydhia: this was the first winter of my life I can recall actually enjoying
freyjasgydhia: can you believe that??
PapaBearColeman: I understand but it collides with those who feel they need the same control.
freyjasgydhia: because I was almost certain I wasn't going to have a seizure in the snow...
PapaBearColeman: REally??!!
freyjasgydhia: yes
freyjasgydhia: All my life my seizures have gone out of control from fall through winter...
freyjasgydhia: so I've been terrified to be outdoors.. having a seizure on the ice or in the snow is dangerous
freyjasgydhia: this is the first year I was reasonably sure I was safe
freyjasgydhia: and I still was looking over my shoulder going "I can't believe I haven't killed myself yet"
PapaBearColeman: Yeah, I can understand that. Most of us feel the same and we don't have your issues.
PapaBearColeman: ;-)
freyjasgydhia: I feel like I am living on borrowed time.. there is this monthly publication the epilepsy foundation puts out
freyjasgydhia: and in it there was a story about a guy who'd been seizure free for four years. had surgery you name it...
freyjasgydhia: well it all went to hell
freyjasgydhia: and now he's three times worse off than he was and his wife and daughter are his 'caretakers' he has no life...
PapaBearColeman: Don't feel like it's borrowed time. It's your time. We all go at some time, no matter how healthy we are.
freyjasgydhia: death would be preferable to having to be taken care of by my S.O or my kids
PapaBearColeman: Yes, it would, maybe. Depends on whether you can enjoy that time with them or not.
freyjasgydhia: So I am kind of ... sometimes I just get weird.. I want to have my friends close..
freyjasgydhia: I want to be with the people I care about now
freyjasgydhia: but nobody ever asked.. or really wanted to know
freyjasgydhia: and john and dawn would have considered this a guilt trip
freyjasgydhia: so...
freyjasgydhia: it's not.. it's me, the real deep down me
freyjasgydhia: that I don't like to show a lot..
PapaBearColeman: Scared and wanting to be surrounded by friends all the time.
freyjasgydhia: family.. extended family..
freyjasgydhia: my chosen family
PapaBearColeman: You need to be careful who you "choose" for family. There are a lot of broken people out there.
freyjasgydhia: yeah
freyjasgydhia: oh well..
freyjasgydhia: I guess enough broken people can't make up a whole huh?
PapaBearColeman: Yup, you're accentuating the bad parts or detracting from the good parts. It's hard to find ones who can do otherwise.
freyjasgydhia: well you don't have to tell them any of this.. in fact I'd prefer it if you didn't
PapaBearColeman: I won't. I think they'd prefer not to. They'd go on a guilt trip.
freyjasgydhia: my thoughts exactly
PapaBearColeman: Or take it as a nasty tactic on your part.
freyjasgydhia: as I said.. they don't want it.. they'd feel it was a guilt trip
freyjasgydhia: and it really isn't either.. honest
freyjasgydhia: it's just me
freyjasgydhia: :'(
PapaBearColeman: *shakes head* Now don't go doing that.
freyjasgydhia: been doing it.. but that's me too
freyjasgydhia: I don't do things halfway
freyjasgydhia: I have to get it out one way or another or I'll strangle on it... stuffing hasn't gotten rid of it.. obviously
PapaBearColeman: Yeah, but it gets kinda tiring. There are always two sides to a story, two halves to a wholde.
freyjasgydhia: I know
freyjasgydhia: and I understand that
PapaBearColeman: Then why do you always have to point to one side or the other?
freyjasgydhia: I can only go with what I was given which was accusatory in retrospect and set me up to be defensive
freyjasgydhia: I don't mean to
freyjasgydhia: I don't know how to do any differently
freyjasgydhia: *shrug*
freyjasgydhia: I wish I did
PapaBearColeman: Sometimes things just don't work out. There's no fault to be placed or if there is, it's usually shared.
freyjasgydhia: yeah..
freyjasgydhia: well..I just want to understand.. and I can't understand.. and that will always stay with me.. I hate not understanding.. it's one of the worst things in the world... in any situation.. I believe with enough work you should be able to understand anything and I can't and it makes me feel like I'm doing something terribly wrong
freyjasgydhia: I'm frustrated over it.. with myself with everything
PapaBearColeman: It's hard to see the world in Black and White when there so many other colors blurring the lines;-)
freyjasgydhia: well...
PapaBearColeman: Not to mention all those greys:-D
freyjasgydhia: I don't try to do the whole black and white I don't think.. I just want to see what makes the whole picture.. and I think that should fill in all the blanks... with all those shades...
freyjasgydhia: see??
PapaBearColeman: And those neons...well, they hurt my eyes.
freyjasgydhia: :-)
PapaBearColeman: All we can hope for is to comprehend our small piece and even that overwhelms us at times.
freyjasgydhia: that's where I am .. overwhelmed...
PapaBearColeman: Yeah, me too.
freyjasgydhia: I'm not even trying to point a finger at this stage
freyjasgydhia: I just want resolution
freyjasgydhia: of some kind
PapaBearColeman: There's no resolution or at least not one that you want to make any time soon.
freyjasgydhia: I know I'll have to make it for myself.. but I just don't know how to yet
freyjasgydhia: I didn't do anything wrong.. not that I was aware of that's the problem. had I been made aware I'd have modified behavior.. when I said that they got mad
freyjasgydhia: Why I'll never know
freyjasgydhia: I can't do anything with that
freyjasgydhia: there is nowhere to move nowhere to go
freyjasgydhia: I just don't know what more to do
PapaBearColeman: You're on a path. It branches often. Sometimes people walk with you, sometimes they walk away.
freyjasgydhia: I know
freyjasgydhia: And I have to keep hold of that
freyjasgydhia: I have made a different form of life for myself.. slower paced.. more home oriented
freyjasgydhia: believe it or not
freyjasgydhia: though I still have plenty of 'adventures'
PapaBearColeman: It's a nice place to start.
freyjasgydhia: I am working on a female lover
freyjasgydhia: and I have friends come over who I entertain... I give dinnerparties
freyjasgydhia: and I have my kindred
freyjasgydhia: and shaman's way
freyjasgydhia: and Ian
freyjasgydhia: and my kids.. of course
freyjasgydhia: well if you read my journal you know
freyjasgydhia: I don't mention the female lover because it upsets lee
freyjasgydhia: but other than that
freyjasgydhia: *shrug*
freyjasgydhia: well I guess I've said about all you can take for one night
PapaBearColeman: Sorry, I had to step out of the office for a second to check on sonething.
PapaBearColeman: I didn't expect to be gone long.
freyjasgydhia: ah ok
freyjasgydhia: that's ok
There's more but it gets pretty goofy...
that's really the part that I wanted to confront with myself anyway.
Current mood: 
distressed
7:10PM - Why I'm Here...
My friend got suspended from lj for a month and came here as a retreat so he could have a place to express himself.. he mentioned it on lj after coming back and I had him send me the web-address so that I could come over and keep track of him here if it was ever necessary again...
It could also be a great place to just goof off whenever... who knows what might pop out...??
Current mood: 
curious