Jenn

1:01pm: YEA! going to the keys this weekend! so excited! happy birthday to me (on friday). will be enjoying a blissfull fourdays and three nights with my doggies and chris in the florida keys. am so psyched!
have not heard from jena lately, but as i read she is a bit busy... still we have a bit of catching up to do... perhaps she will call me? (hint-hint)

11:54am: oh what a tangled web we've spun
had my first exciting day of spring break camp yesterday with the arc. The kids are extremely precious. I've got this one little girl, Deanna, who i swear looks JUST like my little Jena! She's SOOOOO precious. A little tom boy after my own heart. And she loves air hockey. we played for like hours... and foosball too. She's pretty good. and travis, who's like ten, has decided to plant himself next to me and spend the remainder of camp trying to win my heart over. yeah kid... fat chance. though he is precious... he's got quite a bit of competition.
so Miss Jena, know that whenever Deanna and i are playing, I am thinking of you.

8:39am: so Jena sucks and other such things
yes, once again, Jena has come all the way to florida and will spend her time online complaining about how incredibly bored she is rather than coming to see me, her nearest and dearest of friends. Yes Jena, now i am calling YOU out. you little punk bee-otch. Whatcha gonna do huh? go crying back to north carolina? whatever. Have a safe flight and all that. Maybe I'll see you over the summer. Ho.






P.S. I do still love you
you little shit.
and i do emphasize the little part.

9:17am: spring break- whoop-dee-do
Spring break is next week, but big deal. I'm already scheduled to work for most it (and i work at a school- so i'm not even getting away) and my mom is leaving for mexico for the week which means i have to take on the mother role while she's away, and on top of everything else my dad has been pissed at her since the end of january and it's getting really upsetting.
yeah, and i woke up this morning in a good mood, so i'm gonna keep it damn it. Think i'll go outside and work on my mosaic or something. Later

10:39am: My dog is smarter and cooler than your dumb kid.
have been ever so busy! For my birthday this year (the big 2-0 -- good bye dear teen years, you were so good to me) Chris and I have decided to spend a delightful weekend in the keys with our doggies. Well, you should know how troublesome it is to plan a vacation with your dogs. I mean, shit, people let kids in their hotels and kids are far dirtier and less well behaved than my dogs are. But no... i have to leave a deposit and pay an additional charge just to bring my babies. Well screw you all! Dog-friendly my ass. Still, the keys are supposed to be the most dog-friendly area in Florida. Must be all the lovely gay men. Yeah, that must be it.

7:28pm: why oh why do we have massive interstate highways if only to leave them under constant construction with no workers present but traffic moving at less than a crawl? I hate I-95!

9:37am: all i have to say is that i'm walking kinda funny today....
so chris and i had an "interesting" weekend... in which we "did" a lot of fun things... over and over again.
ooooh yeah. you're jealous. i know it. too bad for you sucka!

10:09am: and again with the damn fence
yes, i will spend the day today ouring cement and setting posts. yippie. woop-dee-doo.
this week has been the week from hell, and i am so over it that i would like to just curl up and go softly back to sleep. but no, i can't. damn life, it's so unfair!

9:38am: such a thing as grandmother-in-law from hell?
chris' grandmother is coming down tomorrow to visit, for three weeks! we've been hearing about this woman coming now since november and now D-Day is creeping just around the corner....
we've been working our asses off to get ready for her fixing everything in the house that was not satisfactory: bedrooms, kitchen, living room, bathroom, front and back yard! now the countdown has begun and we still need to put up a fence for the dogs! so tonight i will be at the home depot (or lowes if they are cheaper) and then tomorrow before school i will be digging lots and lots of post holes! can you hear my excitement? i hope not because it is greatly sarcastic. i love my boy, but his family is another aspect all together.
make them go away!!!!

1:16pm: had an interview today for the ARC, i'm going to be a camp counselor for disabled children... yeah. got a drug test too, and a tb test, and my fingerprints done, and a background check... damn. Back in the day, you just dropped your kid off on the corner and said peace out. now you gotta have a complete screening of the person to watch them

anyway, gotta 6 page midterm paper due today at 4. guess i should go start it.

10:09pm: am so unbelievably busy!
thought i'd take on a couple extra days of babysitting to make up for my lack of income, then suddenly i've got interviews scheduled and commitments to keep, and schools calling me to sub, and homework coming out of my ass and i'm soooooo overwhelmed by it all!

11:52am: am completely and totally feeling refreshed.
have taken a mini break from chris
though not a separation as was intented
because let's face it, i do not dare think
we could take so much time from eachother
he is my best friend after all.

but still, am spending some wonderful time with the family
with a father daughter dance last night
and a day of fun with mom today
am actually planning on joining mom
for her trip to mexico in march
asuming funding is available
but still feel strangely disconnected
cause chris and i are having some
communication issues
you know how that goes
but either way
i am doing some soul searching
and feeling more like a whole person
than just half of a couple
though i still get the feeling chris is mad at me
and i seriously think he believes i cheated on him
which i did not thank you very much!
but anyway
all things will get better with time
because love conquers all
right?...
RIGHT?!

8:06pm: just some ramblings, pay no heed
so i am feeling kinda blah today....
not totally sure why,
but allow me this free space to think aloud
and try to decide for myself

i've been so busy, in an unbusy sort of way
since quitting my full time job
i don't think i quite know what to do with myself
i couldn't possibly imagine having free time to do what i want
so i seem to be filling all of my time with thousands of things
which i guess need to be done anyway.
but all the same, i feel discouraged that this list
these things to do
the list goes on forever
and at the end of the day i never feel
quite as accomplished as i'd like to
and further more i'd like to feel a bit more secure
with where my life is taking me
am i headed down the right path?
am i going in the wrong direction?

and with chris
god i love him
more than i can handle sometimes
but i feel like i need some space
some more time to figure things out
to look around and decide
if everything is the way i want it to be
but i am so attatched to him
and he to me
that i feel it would be impossible
to sever that attatchment
even in the slightest
but we are growing and changing in so many ways
and i know that if i could just step back and reevaluate
see where we are and where we are headed
and how i fit into the scheme of things
i know i would see that everything is ok
and i would feel relieved
but in the meantime
he is too insecure
to let me go
to do my thing
and i am fantasizing
about those who are not he
and speaking in ways i should not
to those who need not hear it
but it is nice
to know the feeling is reciprocated
that i am still wanted in such a way
that i thought i could not be
and i like that
to hear that i am beautiful
and sexy
and seductive
i like to feel wanted

so what have i come to now?
i am not happy at the moment
because life does not feel settled
though i truly wish it would
because i am so tired and frustrated
and tired of the emotional rollercoaster
that i have been riding for at least
six years now
though it has settled down quite a bit
in the past few years
i prefer a nice mellow ride
where i know what is going on
and in which direction i am headed
so what i need is some positive energy
from all of you who are willing to send it
thanks

9:24pm: And a very merry birthday to the beautiful miss jena
yeah! i got a letter from Aaron! and a phone call from melissa and it's jena's birthday and i have friends! chick friends that is... so happy... want to touch the hiney... yeah, that's all

10:33pm: 10 thousand reasons why men suck
yeah, another fight with chris, what else is new? nothing actually, but i guess that's how the cookie crumbles...
he just makes me so mad sometimes and it's all cause of his temper... stupid men, stupid-stupid men....

11:04pm: i try not to look so constipated
MY TOE HURTS SO BAD!!!!
why you ask? well let me tell you then.
i'm in the back yard right... playing with my doggies, havine a grand old time. we all turn to go in and starr runs under my feet as she always does and rams me in the back of my knee pushing my foot forward so that a trip and come down awful hard on the corner of a concrete block... so a huge hunk of skin is now missing from the underside of my big toe and while i'm sure i could use some stitches, the emergency room waiting time is usually 6 hours minimal. so i'm dealing. but it hurts sooooo bad!
think i'll take some aspirin and go lie down...

11:34pm: won't somebody think of the children...
well, not so much the children, but the animals... dogs to be more specific... and pit bulls to be even more specific! forgive me for being serious for a moment... i am so sick and tired of these poor animals being abused and treated badly and forced to fight against their will and nature and then gaining a bad reputation on top of it! when will people realize that a pit bull is no more dangerous than a golden retriever or a lab... in fact, theyt are more loyal than either! it is the dogs willingness to please its owner, matched with being placed in the hands of evil and crooked owners that leads it down such a terrible path. people look at these dogs and say, oh they are so vicious, they are terrible dogs, aren't you afraid they will turn on you, and i have to ask, why would i be afraid of such a stupid thing? my dogs look at me as a part of their pack, as the alpha female to be exact. we are a family, chris, dude, starr, and me. we watch out for eachother and we love eachother. any dog given to the right hands is man's best friend, and these animals need the most protection from the wrong hands!
people need to stop being ignorant about these animals temperaments and start looking at them as animals which feel and need love!
that's all i have to say about that. thanks for listening (the all of one reader i actually have)

11:00pm: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! so busy, so rushed, can't stand it! gotta go! later

11:32pm: had a pretty good week. substituted yesterday for math (6-8) and for 7th home room. i like the little shits, they're not so bad. chris and i are all better... we played with his paintball gun tonight. yes, for a passifist, i must admit, i liked it. spending the weekend with mom cause the other half of our family is out in the woods camping (though luxuriously with a pop up camper which has a kitchen, bathroom, and tv/vcr. geez, and when i was little dad took us out in a tent. We were lucky if we got to sleep on a cot, and i had to pee in a hole dug in the ground! these kids have it so easy. so mom and i have been getting ready for the baptism next weekend, cooking and cleaning and all that hooplah. i decided for Emmalee's christening gift, i am giving her the Giving tree book and needle pointing a baby blanket for her. hopefully i will be able to finish it by next week! well, i got to get going on it. Guess that's all. later

9:42pm: i went to the north pole once... not a damn penguin in sight!
yeah, it sucks to be bi-polar. i just royally fucked up a perfectly night with chris
and why? because i suck that's why
the tiniest little thing and i'm set for the night to be miserable.
and he knows i'm bi-polar, but he still does everything ass-backwards
and is clueless as to how to make it all better
it used to be no matter what was wrong, he could fix it
he could always make me smile
and now it's like he just doesn't care... he just doesn't want to be bothered...
funny, that's what matt said once, and then he broke up with me...
wonder if this is a sign
can i push chris away, the same way i did matt?
can that happen after we've been together this long?
sorry to have such a seriousness in my entry
i'm just not feeling up to it right now...

10:03am: for my dear jena... a brief explanation:
You asked what bed peace meant- it is our (mine and chris') version of john lennon's bed in for peace:
March 20, 1969, John Lennon and Yoko Ono wed in Gibraltar. The following week, the two master media
manipulators used their celebrity for good, hosting a honeymoon "bed-in" for peace in room 902,
the presidential suite of the Amsterdam Hilton. The press avidly pursued them, assuming that the
famous nudists would make love for their cameras. Instead, the pajama-clad newlyweds spoke
out about world peace. It was the honeymoon as performance art, interlaced with a protest
against the Vietnam War.
Lennon's "The Ballad of John and Yoko" chronicles the week in song: "Drove from Paris to the
Amsterdam Hilton / Talking in our bed for a week / The news people said / 'Hey, what you doin'
in bed?'/ I said, 'We're only tryin' to get us some peace!'"
They followed soon after with a second bed-in in canada where they recorded the song
"Give peace a chance".

A Bed in (or as we call it- bed peace) is a peaceful way of bringing peace through out the world.
Saying, there are better things to do than hate.

9:13am: an the only comments i get from you are to update, update now.
so i'm a little perturbed i guess, and life is getting hectic. what drives professors to throw so much home work at you the first week of classes? and i'm still trying to gain more jobs so that i will not be poor and cast out into the cold world with nothing but my car and my dog. but besides that, it is an issue of Aaron. how can a person supposedly your best friend go 6 months without talking to you!!! or writing or honking when she drives by and sees you right there in the front yard. and i'm so damn stubborn, i'm not about to call her cause i mad the last call. it's her turn damnit. people suck.
on a lighter note, had a wonderful day yesterday with chris. Bed peace did not happen exactly as we had planned, but it was still wonderful. remained in bed until 11 am (which is extremely later for me) then moved our bed peace to the couch and had some couch peace for a while. finally got up and decided to take our peace to the beach. dogs had a grand time- as they always do at the beach, and we managed to avoid getting any fines for having doggies on beach. honestly, are people any more entitled to enjoy a beach than my dogs are? i don't think so.

12:10pm: oh the trials of a wedded life for one not yet wed
we had, yes, another argument last night.
because he lost his temper, no not with me, but that didn't matter much.
it was that he lost it at all, and he goes berserk when he does.
how am i supposed to deal?
when he reminds me way too much of my father!
i will not marry a man who will put me through the hell my dad has put my mom through.
i will not stand for it
but today, he did his apologizing thing,
but wanted to skip the discussion and go straight for the make up sex
though sex sounded just grand to me, not under the circumstances.
i was still pissed and though he was able to get me laughing
cause he always can
i knew the issue had not yet been resolved
and could not let it just drop like that
so we said our i love you's
and he went off to work
still not laid
but not as angry as he was last night
and i came home to ponder it through
and decide to discuss it with him, when the time seems right.
hopefully tonight
cause i'd love to do a bit of bed peace tomorrow
and what fun is a day of bed peace without any sex?

2:51pm: my computer ran out of coal and other reasons technology sucks
so i wrote an entry yesterday, voicing my opinion on various aspects of things such as public schools, pit-bull violence as it's portrayed in the media, and shaving armpits and backs, and low and behold upon hitting the submit button i received a blank page and the loss of my beloved entry. so screw technology and take a hammer to your computer before it eats you alive and mates with your spouse producing a terribly violent and wretchedly ugly set of offspring.
and that's all i have to say about that.

2:33pm: oh how exciting this little world can be
so yezterday was great! i did my first substituting gig. it was at st mark for 6,7,and 8 grade science. man has that school changed since i went there! first of all, my sixth grade classroom is now their science lab. and they've divided the classes up into two sections each, 6a and 6b, 7a and 7b, and 8a and 8b. it was a lot of fun and i've realized how easy i've got it. i mean, substitute teaching is like the ultimate babysitting job. i come in at 7:30, i have six fourty five minute classes, two 45 minute free planning periods, and a 45 minute lunch. i get to leave at 3 and get paid between 65 and 80 dollars depending on the school. so in all, i'm only working 4 and a half hours but getting paid for 7 and a half. and i get to do my home work or play on the computer or whatever. it's great. plus i get holidays and summer off. teaching is definately the way to go.
oh yeah, and i got into unity and St jude too. so i'm doing pretty well for myself.

today, has got to have been the most beautiful day this year. the sun is out, it is warm, but no where near hot. the beach is calm-almost flat. chris and i took the dogs out to swim and had a great time. wish you were here to enjoy it.
well, i got some homework to do for my american lit class, but i'll keep you update

ps
happy jena?