Too desperate to breathe... March 24th 2003 @ 01:30am #  mood :  melancholy #  music :  the traffic on the street below *sitting on the roof of the studio where my album is being recorded, staring out at the city, legs drawn up to my chest with my arms wrapped around them, occasionally brushing my hair away from my face after a gust of wind* Someone told me...don't settle or you'll regret it for the rest of your life. *chuckles sadly, glancing down momentarily* Regret is certainly what I feel, and for mulitple reasons. But mostly...for leaving the safety of that someone's arms. *sighs softly, blinking against the wind as I continue to stare out at the city lights* You never realize what you truly have until it's gone. Life's bittersweet that way, I've found. I got a taste of what my life could be...and what an addictive taste it was...but what did I do? I left. Like a fool I left, thinking he would be there when I needed him. Stupid, stupid me. When you have perfection in front of you, you don't walk away, because you're only given one chance. And if you blow that chance... *trails off as I let myself get lost in my thoughts, humming to myself* i'm in pieces and bits but that's nothing you can't fix cause baby, you're still my addiction oh, every minute's like a thousand years since you were lyin' here *rouses myself from my thoughts and runs a hand through my hair, tilting my head up to look at the stars* Such a beautiful night. But not nearly as beautiful as the moonlight reflecting off his skin as he sleeps. *shakes my head, looking back down* Honesty is double-edged sword, yet I clutch ever tightly to it. How does that one song go? "Sometimes you bleed just to know you're alive"? That's how I've felt for days...and I guess...I guess this is just something I'm going to have to get used to. This feeling of pain and regret...for hurting someone so close to me...and for letting go of someone I wanted to get so close to... And...though I know it's too late... I said I'd sing for you...and the offer still stands if you want to accept... you take me in no questions asked you strip away the ugliness that surrounds me are you an angel am i already that gone i only hope that i won't disappoint you and i don't understand by the touch of your hand i would be the one to fall live without you

March 21st 2003 @ 07:47pm #  mood :  detached *slowly blinks, rubbing my eyes as I awaken, blankly stares at the room a moment before bringing myself to a sitting position, wincing as my stiff muscles protest the movement, spots the light on the answering machine blinking, pulls myself to my feet and slowly crosses the studio to the phone, turning off the stereo as I pass it, listens to the few messages I have since Sunday, frowning a little, rubs the back of my neck in a futile attempt to relieve some of the soreness, turns and walks back over to the area of the floor where I had passed out, shuffling past the multiple crumpled-up pieces of paper screwn across the floor, sinks back down to the floor with a quiet grunt and picks up the notebook and pen that were laying amongst the paper, scribbling in the notebook occasionally as words and thoughts echo in my mind* live without you

The fault is my own and the fault is my own... March 16th 2003 @ 09:39pm #  mood :  indescribable #  music :  linkin park - somewhere i belong *wipes at my face, folding the paper and leaving the note for Justin on the table in the entryway* ( the note ) *looks up the stairs and sniffles, biting my lip hard to keep the sobs in, quietly leaves his house and slips in my car, somehow manages to drive to my house, barely able to see for the tears spilling out of my eyes, hands trembling on the steering wheel, making a few short phone calls* ( Voicemail for Christina ) ( Voicemail for Ashley ) *parks quickly in my driveway and stumbles up to the house, barely shutting the door behind me, letting my keys and cell phone fall to the floor, one hand on the wall to steady myself as I drag myself down the hallway, stumbles through my open studio door, tripping myself on the carpet and falling to my hands and knees, a low sob slipping out, forces myself to my feet and leans against the door to shut it, turning the locks with a flip of my wrist, presses my forehead against the door as my body starts to tremble, hand tightening on the door handle* This is all my fault....all...my...fault... *coughs, raising my head and looking around the room, pushes myself away from the door and over to the stereo, blindly turning it on, puts one of the tracks on repeat and twists the volume knob, not caring if the noise hurts my ears, not even wincing at the music, knowing I deserve the pain, feels my body start to shake as sobs threaten to overtake me, my legs going out from under me, grunting as I let myself fall back against the wall and slide down to rest on the floor, vision blinded by tears, manages to draw my legs up and hugs them to my chest, my head falling forward to rest my forehead against my knees, my sobs drowned out by the music* When this began, I had nothing to say And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me I was confused, and I let it all out to find That I'm not the only person with these things in mind Inside of me, but all that they can see the words revealed Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel Nothing to lose, just stuck, hollow and alone And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own ( I wanna heal, I wanna feel ) 3 don't want to live without you

OOC March 14th 2003 @ 09:58pm #  mood :  indescribable [[ For anyone who JC and I talk to, I just wanted to let you know that I won't be on AIM tonight and possibly tomorrow. I just learned some very devastating news and don't really have the heart to try to pretend to be someone else right now. I apologize especially to Justin's writer, since we haven't been able to catch each other over the past few days. Comment me when you get on and if I'm here I'll get on so we can finish. Otherwise, as I said, don't be expecting to see JC on AIM for a day or two.... again, I apologize to anyone who might be looking to talk to JC or I... ]] 3 don't want to live without you

i wish that it was just that easy -- i don't have all the answers March 12th 2003 @ 01:57am #  mood :  drained #  music :  lifehouse // debut album i can't be losing sleep over this, no, i can't now i cannot stop pacing give me a few hours and i'll have this all sorted out if my mind would just stop racing 'cause i cannot stand still i can't be this unsturdy ( this cannot be happening ) could you let down your hair be transparent for awhile, just a little while to see if you're human after all honesty is a hard attribute to find when we all want to seem like we've got it all figured out ( well, let me be the first to say that i don't have a clue ) 1 don't want to live without you

March 11th 2003 @ 06:54am What have I done? Oh god, what have I done? Chasez, you're a fucking idiot! *sits in my car, blindly staring at my house, the tears somehow still falling, hands gripping the steering wheel tightly, faintly hears the all too familiar start of "Gone" on the radio, turns the radio off with a whimper, my hands coming up to cover my face as sobs start to shake my body* He'll never forgive me for what I said...he'll never forgive me for walking out... 2 don't want to live without you

March 8th 2003 @ 09:02pm #  mood :  flirty Look who just showed up...millertime *thinks about a previous conversation with Justin, slowly smirking* 5 don't want to live without you

You wouldn't know the difference... March 7th 2003 @ 10:52pm #  mood :  contemplative #  music :  savage garden's debut album Been hiding in the studio again...surprise, surprise. Just writing and listening to some of my favorite albums. Darren Hayes, Savage Garden, John Mayer, my man Tony Lucca...you know, those brooding singer/songwriter types. *cracks a small smile* For some reason this song just won't get out of my head... In Santa Monica, in the winter time The lazy streets so undemanding I walk into the crowd In Santa Monica, you get your coffee from The coolest places on the promenade Where people dress just so Beauty so unavoidable, everywhere you turn it's there I sit and wonder what am I doing here? More meaningful update later... 4 don't want to live without you

Storm before the storm... March 4th 2003 @ 02:16pm #  mood :  stressed *hears my cell phone ring and looks at the caller-ID, sighs when I recognize my publicist's number and sets the ringing phone on the table next to the scattered newspapers, walks over to the kitchen window and peeks out around the blinds, seeing a few paparazzi milling around on the street* This, is what I really hate about being famous... *turns away from the window when my phone beeps, signaling I have a message, walks back to the table to listen to the message, already knowing what I'm going to hear, winces slightly at my publicist's patronizing voice and her words of "career suicide" and "foolish behavior", deletes the message, dropping my phone back to the table, lets my fingers linger over the newspaper, looking at the picture of Justin and I from the other night splashed on the front page, fists the newspaper in my hand a moment and closes my eyes, mumbling under my breath* It's worth it, Jayce...it's worth it... *reopens my eyes and sighs softly, letting go of the newspaper* *heads out of the kitchen and down the hall for Justin's home studio, needing the peace and wanting to distance myself from the media frenzy outside* 2 don't want to live without you

February 28th 2003 @ 09:25pm #  mood :  bored #  music :  noise from the television It's Friday night and I'm sitting at home alone on my sofa watching reruns of the Real World. What is wrong with this picture? *chuckles* 13 don't want to live without you

Take me where tomorrow lies, where the white wings of the angels fly... February 25th 2003 @ 08:48pm #  mood :  happy #  music :  tony lucca // honestly for you So, the Grammys went great. Our performance went off without a hitch and we even got a standing ovation. That totally floored me. Of course, there were a few standing ovations through the night so maybe people just wanted to stretch their legs. *cracks a smile* We didn't win in the catagory that we were nominated in. Not that I really thought we would, but it'd be nice to have a Grammy seeing as we have performed there the past few years. *shrugs slightly* Our time will come, I guess. It was good to have the five of us back together again, doin' our thing. I missed that. Don't get me wrong, I like the solo thing too, but we're a group first and foremost. So it was good to see the other guys and to sing together. And now that I am back in LA, I am feeling much better than when I left LA. I also return as a not-so-single man. Justin and I are now together. So yes, I am certainly in better spirits. I'm also in better spirits to hear that my friends are happy. It might sound cheesy, but when my friends are happy, I'm happy. *smiles* 13 don't want to live without you

There's always something in the way... February 23rd 2003 @ 11:52am #  mood :  bouncy #  music :  switchfoot // you The Grammys are tonight and yes, I'm nervous. It's been so long since the five of us have performed together. I mean, I'm sure everything will turn out fine, but it's in my nature to worry about it. *chuckles softly* In other news....I'm hiring Mandy as my shrink and Chrissy as my massuse. *nods* You girls won't mind, will ya? *grins* More indepth update tonight or tomorrow...promise... 8 don't want to live without you

February 21st 2003 @ 08:11am #  mood :  awake I was getting too...restless...in LA so I decided to fly out to NYC early. Well okay, it's not that early since the Grammys are Sunday night, but you know. *taps my hand against my leg, looking out the hotel room window* I'm kinda nervous for Sunday night. I mean, the five of us haven't performed together in months. Hell, I haven't even seen the other three recently. I think rehersal is tomorrow but I'm not sure. My thoughts have been so scattered over the past 48 hours... *sighs softly* *pulls my cell phone out of one of my bags and looks at it a moment before dialing a number I know by heart, getting Justin's voicemail and leaving a ( message ), hangs up and then calls Drew, also getting his voicemail and leaving him a ( message ), hangs up and drops my cell phone to the bed as I get up, heading over to the bathroom to take a shower* 3 don't want to live without you

February 19th 2003 @ 09:35pm #  mood :  uncomfortable #  music :  the traffic outside *curled up in a dark corner of the studio, back against the wall with my knees drawn up and forearms folded upon them, head resting on my arms, the only light being from the streetlight outside* I don't know. I just...don't know. I feel like any decision I make is going to be the wrong one. But is it even my decision to make? The only thing that I do know is that two people I care about are hurting...and I'm at least partially to blame. Anyone who knows me at all knows that I put my friends before myself. So, if this decision is mine to make, it should be pretty easy, right? *stares out the window for a few moments, thinking* How do you do the right thing when you don't know what's right? 1 don't want to live without you