...if love is a crime baby, then punish me...

Come 'ere boy, there ain't nothing for free... June 20th 2003 @ 10:25pm
mood dirty
music jewel // who will save your soul

Where to start...

Or maybe I'll start, by not starting at all.

I swear, there's so much that happens in my life that I can't or shouldn't talk about. Why the fuck is that? I mean, really. I used to pride myself on my honesty...and maybe that's where I went wrong. As soon as you start keeping secrets things are bound to happen that you don't expect. Secrets brought me down to I think the lowest point I've ever been. I'm still not the man I used to be. I doubt I ever will be.

So from now I'm gonna say as much or as little as I want. I'm through hiding shit just because of other people. I mean, fuck, thanks to the media and paparazzi the whole fucking world knows I'm gay. Do I really have anything left to hide?

But hey, you live and learn. Everyone makes mistakes. Some of us just make huge life-altering ones, unfortunately. That's okay though. I'm working my demons out in their own way. I think I like karma now, since it's not kicking my ass anymore. Or rather, as much as it was.

On a semi-related note, my new sofa arrived today. Now I suddenly have a desire to redecorate half of my house. Not good.

And J, it was good to see you. Real good. Gimme a call sometime. I still need to thank you for watching my place for me while I was out of the country.

live without you

June 12th 2003 @ 04:48am
mood mellow

So yeah, I promised an update with actual content, didn't I?

I'm back in the states, obviously. The time spent with Mandy was good though. Lots of talking and hanging out and just enjoying each other's company. I thought about a lot of stuff while I was gone too.

Caught Chrissy and Justin's show Friday since like the dumbass I am I missed the first show. My disguise worked and I didn't get attacked in the pit. Although the chick selling the tee shirts gave me an odd look when I bought one of Chrissy's and put it on over my tee shirt. *chuckles softly, shaking my head* It was a good show, as if it could be anything less. Snuck backstage afterwards to harass my girl and bring her some gifts. I didn't realize just how much I missed talking to her. We broached an interesting topic in the last conversation we had, but it's all good. I still love you, Chrissy. Even if you want me. :-*

I was actually social for a few days too. And it felt really good. I know it's not healthy for me to just hole up in my house or in the studio but damn it, that's how I deal with things. Granted I have other ways but...yes.

The weekend was...interesting. I think that sums it up properly. Enjoyable in and of itself but very interesting given the context of some things. I think...no...I'm sick of my private life being public knowledge so I'm not going to say any more.

And I've decided I'm returning to the clubs. I can't hide in my house forever and if the damn tabloids want to follow me around then fine. I accept the consequences of my past actions. And sometimes I wish I could revisit them.

I'm planning on going to see another of their shows my next free day. I owe Chrissy another surprise *smiles innocently* and...and I need to talk to J. If for no other reason than to thank him for house-sitting for me while I was gone.

live without you

June 9th 2003 @ 12:11am
mood weird

Mmmm...I actually aquired a life and have things to update about. Amazing, eh?

But I don't feel like typing it all up at the moment, so you'll just have to wait. :-P

live without you

June 3rd 2003 @ 01:11am
mood blah

Zootopia. Yeah, flew in to NYC on Sunday for it. Was almost late actually. Oops. Flew back afterwards. What can I say, I forgot how much I like Europe.

I think hanging out with Mandy has been a good thing for me. When I finally go back to LA, I need to work on getting out more. After all, I've got an album to get ready to promote, dang it! *chuckles softly* Seriously though, I've become a freakin' hermit, and I'm tired of it.

live without you

May 26th 2003 @ 11:05pm
mood calm

Still in Copenhagen. Much to the disdain of my publicist. *laughs softly* Like I care. Friends take precedence over my career.

It's good to see Mandy smiling. I will gladly make a fool of myself to make her smile. Although I would not put on that *NSYNC shirt at Wal-Mart. Come on, I have to draw some lines.

Back to the career thing. I'm sure you all saw the lil' thing in Rolling Stone about my album. Yes, there really is a song called "Some Girls Dance With Women". Maybe I should have written one titled "Some Boys Dance With Men" to compliment it? *smiles a moment before frowning slightly at my memories* Or not. But anyway, the album's virtually done and I can't wait for it to be out...because, yes.

live without you

May 18th 2003 @ 09:53pm
mood exhausted

*walks out of the airport, covering my mouth as I yawn, knowing that I'll need some sleep soon, notices the large amount of people waiting for taxis and sighs, rubbing my hands over my face before taking my cell phone out of my pocket, just looks at it a moment before hitting the first speed-dial button, shoving my other hand in my pocket as I listen to it ring a few times before voicemail kicks in*

*voicemail for Justin* )

*puts my phone away as I flag down a taxi, quickly getting in and telling the driver where to go, sinks back against the seat and sighs softly*

live without you

Only slightly random May 13th 2003 @ 01:26am
mood mischievous

Oh Chrissy dear...I think I know one of your dancers. *smiles innocently*

1 don't want to live without you

And I asked myself 'why aren't you smiling? what's wrong?' May 9th 2003 @ 09:34pm
mood mellow
music justincase // it was something

Wango Tango's next weekend. And while yes, I am looking forward to perfoming my own personal songs for the first time, I'm also not looking forward to attending, for reasons known to myself only...and maybe Chrissy and Mandy.

Had an unexpected visitor the other night. *rubs the back of my neck, lightly biting my bottom lip* I still don't know what to make of it.

Oh, and I see there's a "threesome" going on. I wish you guys luck, and some words of advice. Don't get your hopes up too high. There's always a jealous party and things never work out quite how you'd think they would. And before you say I don't know what I'm talking about, I do. The few of you that have been here for a while might even remember.

That was back when I was actually enjoying myself. My, how things change. *shakes my head* Man, I haven't thought about those days and nights in forever. Seems like so long ago.

As if I'll ever be that person again.

6 don't want to live without you

May 6th 2003 @ 02:00am
mood restless

I'm becoming a recluse. Is that a bad thing? Doubtful.

Well, except for attending the Kentucky Derby this past weekend. Don't ask me why I went. But I will admit it was nice to get out of LA. Even if every fucking person there had to make note that only four of the five of us were there. *rubs the back of my neck*

Anyway...I might as well enjoy the time to myself now because I certainly won't have much of it soon.

Schizophrenic should be completely done within the next few weeks and with its finish will come photoshoots, promo appearances and the like. Wango Tango is coming up next weekend. Zootopia in June. CFTC in July. Maybe a small club tour after that. Busy busy busy.

Been seriously thinking about relocating as well. Yes Mandy, I know I said I'd stay in LA just for you and Chrissy, but it just doesn't feel like home anymore. I just...no. Not elaborating. I'm thinking somewhere in England might better suit me right now. Put me closer to the electronica and techno that I'm feeling nowadays.

The one good thing about being busy....it keeps me from thinking too much.


7 don't want to live without you

Well this is not for real, afraid to feel.. April 26th 2003 @ 05:57pm
mood irritated
music default // wasting my time

Slowly getting closer to release. Almost settled on a title, which I said when I was on MTV earlier in the week. My favorite people. *rolls my eyes* But publicity is necessary. Unfortunately.

I think people are going to be a bit surprised by the record. It seems to me that I always get chalked up as having a voice best-suited for ballads and nothing else. Okay, sure, I sound pretty good, but there's more to life then a damn chessy pop ballad. Life is nothing like a ballad. Nothing.

A ballad is just a bunch of pretty words strung together to some soft music, for someone to play for their girlfriend or boyfriend. Or for a bunch of kids to dance to at a Prom or Homecoming and wish that someone would tell them such pretty things personally. For someone to look in their eyes and tell them everything they ever wanted to hear.

Well shit like that only happens in the movies. That's not how it goes in real life.

Those pretty words are all lies.

2 don't want to live without you

I wish that I had spent just a little bit more time with you... April 21st 2003 @ 09:56pm
mood mellow
music lisa marie presley // nobody noticed it

Yeah, I'm around still...and yeah, I've been lurking. Back to my old ways, I guess. Well, not completely. But I'm working on it. Thinking about permanently leaving LA too.

Eager for the album to get released already. I want it out there, and the promo shit to be done, so I can go back to seculsion. That's what I'm best suited for anyway. I think we all know I don't do well under pressure. *sighs softly, glancing down momentarily*

Oh, and if anyone's looking for a new CD to buy, I recommend Lisa Marie Presley's album. It's not half bad.

I know your resemblance
it's out there walking
and I wanted you to know that I haven't forgotten

2 don't want to live without you

April 15th 2003 @ 11:47am
mood mellow
music avril lavigne // tomorrow

Well, I'm back. And I can honestly say I'm glad I left for a few days. I just needed some "me" time to get my thoughts straightened out.

Granted, these past few weeks have given me plenty of material to turn into songs, but naturally, most of what I did write is entirely too personal to ever put on a record. That and I'm sure the songs wouldn't make sense to anyone but me. But that's okay. I generally only make sense to myself anyhow.

So yeah, I'll be around.

Hell, I might actually go out tonight.

live without you

April 9th 2003 @ 10:15am
mood complacent

After another sleepless night I've decided...I have to get out of LA. Just for a few days at least.

Not that I have a reason to stay here other than finishing up recording. *sighs, glancing down momentarily*

Chrissy, Mandy...I promise I'll take care of myself. Love you both. You're my sanity.

I'm out.

[OOC] )

1 don't want to live without you

April 8th 2003 @ 03:33am
mood discontent

I think I've become an insomniac.

I just...have no desire to sleep half the time. Which is the oddest fucking thing considering I'm known for always wanting to sleep.

But maybe it's a good thing. If I don't sleep I can't be haunted by my dreams. However, if I'm awake my thoughts wander and I'm tormented by the what-ifs. It's a lose-lose situation. *pauses* What the hell am I talking about? I've already lost. Mulitple times, actually.

It'd be so much easier to move on if I didn't still care.

1 don't want to live without you

April 4th 2003 @ 11:26pm
mood lonely

*curled up in a corner of the sofa staring off into space, lightly tapping my fingers against the back of the sofa in time with the grandfather clock in the hall*

*sighs softly and gets up, stretching a moment before grabbing my keys off the coffee table and heading for the door, turning on my answering machine as I leave*

live without you

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