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mood |
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HIM-join me in death |
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i dont want to feel anymore, dont want to be sick anymore, dont want to hurt anymore, i dont want a lot of things, but i do want some things, youre in this.
I dont want to vomit but i can feel it, deep down inside. Its going to come out, word vomit or not, its all the same, im going to smother you with all the lies you ever spoon fed me, or the world, or her for that matter, her being me or the other girl, i dont know, you probably dont even know who the hell you are and your probably reading this too, isnt that sad? im not even sure if i know who you are either, but your a part of me some sort of cancer spreading through me, and their swarming around me and i feel them ripping at my skin. you saw me that day, crying in class, that day when i so nearly gave up and ripped my wrists to shreds and layed down on the dirty tiles and just bled, bled until my heart was full and happy and content with my loss, with my empty mind, my eyes so glazed and faded that you probably would have thought i was dead. but i probably wouldnt have been, because im a super ninja, heh, that was me, this random, silly little girl, maybe i still am her, maybe...
but this is me too, i doubt you knew that, this manic weird strange, cryptic little girl, maybe theres many sides of me, some i dont even know of, dont tell me thats pathetic because your worse than me, we all know it, sometimes i feel like ripping open some random thing, and thinking 'this is probably what my heart looks like right now' maybe if i tore open my stomache and ripped out my insides, thats what my heart would look like right now. vomit and blood and saliva all mixed together to make some fucked up version of love, thats what you fed me, wasnt it? bleach filled fucking kisses. wash me in gasoline and throw a match right into my mouth, its open, im screaming, but you dont hear that do you? im loseing it, im loseing it, ive told you that before, but you probably werent listening to me then either. what else is new?
sorry to rant on and on, sorry this probably doesnt make sense to you. sorry im a fuck up. dont say what im saying is lies, dont try and say you love me you want me to be happy. thats bull shit. bull. fucking. shit. we all know it. we know, do you know why? because i grew up with that. with those fake stupid lies, and your going to keep telling me them, and i can keep pretending that i believe you if you want me to, would that make you happy? go ahead and rip me apart, youve done a great job so far. i went and looked at the moon today, there were no stars out, just a thin layer of fog, i could see the face on the moon, i nearly bit my tongue off, i just wanted to see the blood hit the floor. ruin it, like you ruined me. it was sick. i was sick. i am sick.
but arent we all?
get a fucking grip, stop trying to make me feel bad, its always about you. well im sick of it, okay? i know i complain, i bitch. sure, yeah, whatever, but im not force feeding it to you, spoon by spoon, here comes the air plane with those stupid fake sounds, no, i simply tell you, blunt, straight to the point, i dont fucking care, whats that about? lets all cry for you. im tired of giving you fake smiles. i should start makeing you pay me for them, they take a lot out of me you know, im a machine, running, watch my insides glow, they show my emotions. fuck you. i dont care.
oh, are you reading this and wondering if its about you? im not going to say yes or no, if you want it to be about you, then go ahead and think it is. whatever. cuz i dont care, remember? im tired of the bugs eating me alive, of staying up night after night doing nothing. i have no life left in me.
and im running out of air
so fuck you. fuck this.
im out of it.
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aggravated
lonely
cold
lethargic
calm
amused
distressed
apathetic