i'm so tired right now. i don't know what the hell is wrong with me why i have no will power. i was binging and purging for a couple days and then the holiday came and i just blew it all...i tried to not eat so much if at all but then my mom makes breakfast. nick takes me out. i don't know what i'm doing! i'm so fucking lost it seems like. but today i MUST get back on track. plus it was helping me writing here but then my cord broke but now my daddy fixed it! YAY!!! so i'm definitly going to get back on track...writing down everything i eat, work out, pills, drugs...what have you...everything that i can possibly think of for a reason that i will lose weight. this is my "everything i don't want any one else that i know to find out about" journal. i have another one that's not quite as in depth as this one but ppl i know read that one so i can't really go into details..whatever...but yea...
so far today i have eaten NOTHING!!! but it's only morning..i think i'll go take some xenadrin or something and do a nice long work out then jump in the pool and do some laps...
woah the clock on the computer is way off just so ya'll know..i was not up at 730 this morning..daaaaamn!!!
i feel terrible right now. i was doing so good today. i had grapes for breakfast..yogurt for lunch then i made a mistake and ate a piece of bacon...then i ate two slices of pizza then i ate half a baked potato...so basiclly i binged....but then i purged it all..so really all i've had is grapes and a yogurt..so that's pretty good. i've lost 3 lbs. so that's good also. i didn't update yesterday because my puppy chewed through my electrical cord for my lap top and i ran out of battery power. i'm on my 'rents computer right now. so yea i have to get that fixed until i do i'm probably not going to be writing a whole lot. but it'll be fine. i've been doing super duper good and on track the past few days. looking forward to losing 3 more lbs!! then a whole bunch more to come after that. but yea..i have to start getting ready to go to work..lata ya'll!!!
okay so yea...last night i ended up having a bowl of easy mac and 3 smores. damnit! no wonder i'm so fucking fat. and today i've already had a bowl of cereal and some cheesy enchilada hamburger helper....i'm so fucked up. i got a hold of jon. i don't know wether he's going to get me any adderal or not. i hope he does. he hasn't talked to me in ages. he doesn't want to. i hurt him. i hurt everybody. i didn't mean to. i don't know why things that happened happened. i'm such a fuck up. but i straightened things out and i want to be with nick and someday have a family with him. i love Nick very much. sometimes i question his feelings though. i know i shouldn't. he just acts shady, like his dad. his dad is a fucking charector! i can't stand the stupid ass hole fuck!!! he uses his family and abuses his rights. christ! just drives me fucking nuts!! i can't fucking stand him! i really hope that nick doesn't end up like him or i don't think i would be able to spend the rest of my life with him. i am so completely willing to try but if he ends up like his father i can't. i wouldn't be able to handle that shit! if we ever have children and he treats his kids like his father treats his kids...that'd be it! i won't take that kind of shit! but anyway...i need to find some adderal. i'm going to use my doc as a last resort to get it. it would seem kind of fishy to me if i went in and was all...uh yea i think i'm a.d.d. and i heard adderal works the best. can i have some? i don't think a doctor would fall for shit like that. so i'm just going to have to get it off the street. yea! i want some so badly. charity said that it works real well for losing weight. that or i'm just gonna see if i can get some speeders. that'll help too...maybe see if i can find some straight up effedra...i don't know if i spelled that right. i just gotta find something that helps lose weight fast and well...i'm just gonna keep takin the shit that i got. it's over the counter shit but it's gonna have to do for now. charity also said that meth helps really well..maybe i'll see if i can get some of that shit. i don't know. all i do know is i have to lose this weight by september or december...i don't want to be a fat ass for my wedding! i want to be able to hear ppl say shit like oh my god she's gorgeous..not oh my god she looks like an albino cow! damnit this really fucking sucks! i have to vacuum...atleast i'll be burning cals. while i do that. then i have to go to work but i have to leave early so i can go pay my cell phone bill and see if i can get another plug in. i don't know what time i should leave at. proabably leave around 4 since i have to be to work at 5. i hate my fucking job so much! i'm so pissed at managment for what they did to those two guys. fuck them!!! how fucking dare they!! shit i have 24 min. left on my laptop battery...i need to roll and see if i can find a new plug in so i can charge it cause i know i'm going to have to write more later. i need to find one of the following things..
damnit...i feel like i'm turning into the old me where i used to do pills and shit before.
Nick has said he really doesn't want me to do them cause he doesn't want to see me like that again. but he said it's my decision. he's trying real hard to be supportive of me and my habbits but he doesn't like them at all. which i understand but i need to do what i need to do to lose the weight that i want to lose. i refuse to be the fatter one of my sister. and right now i am! she used to be the fucking huge ass one. she looked like a whale on her wedding day and i was so happy that it wasn't me. but now she's lost so much weight. i have to be thinner then her. i always have and i have to be again or i'm going to kill myself. i can't be fat! i have to be perfect! i have to have something! so i can say look at me. i'm not smart but i'm fucking gorgeous!!! i want to be gorgeous. and thin and happy!! i hate the way i look right now. it disgusts me! i HATE me! and Nick wonders why i don't want to have sex as much as i used to ...although i've been wanting it a lot more lately. but still..i used to be a sex pheen!! now i just think i'm too fat! i don't want anyone to see me naked!! ewww why would i want that..but this year is the year. i'm going to get thin. tan. beautiful. i'm going to be everything that kryssy is not!!! i'm going to be better then her. then maybe nick won't look over there when ever we pass her house anymore! then i'll be better!!! fuck that!! fuck her!!! fuck my sister!! fuck everyone that is better then me right now!!! i have to be better!!! I HAVE TO BE BETTER THEN EVERYONE THAT I HATE!!!
okay, so here i go...this is something that i needed to get that nick didn't know about so i could write whatever the hell i want to. i'm messed up and most people won't like reading this but this is not for them it's for me. hopefully this will help me. lose weight and be more level headed. i wrote in my other journal that i wanted to lose weight which i really really do! i'm 5'4 and 169 lbs!! i'm a fuckin fat ass cow!!! no one else thinks that i'm fat but i do and that's what really matters right? i'm hard core with the ana/mia community. i agree with it completely! and this is what i'm going to do. since i can do this straight from my desk top then i'm going to write down every single freakin day what i eat. since it will be embarrasing for other people to read what i have eaten and judge me based on that then i won't eat as much. it makes since to me and i will keep everything updated so every one knows how i'm doing. i can't wait until i figure out how to post pictures so i can post pictures of my thinspiration pictures!! these girls are freakin HOTT!!! i wouldn't have them any other way. :) don't get me wrong i love my Nick oh so much but this is the journal that i'm not going to keep anything back. he'll never find this so i can say whatever the hell i want. i can write about anything at all that's on my mind and i don't have to worry about saying anything that's gonna get him pissed off at me because he reads my other online journal. so i have to really restrict myself with what i say and talk about on that one. he gets upset when i talk about the ana/mia shit. he, of course, thinks that i'm perfect just the way that i am. i can write about sexual things and other people and my complete and true feelings on things. now don't get me wrong. he knows me better then anyone else in the world. oh my god i'm excited about this. i love him very much and he loves me unconditionally. but there are something in my life that go on with me that he doesn't like and doesn't agree with. they make him upset. and i completely understand this. but it makes me feel better when i write about these things. i'm trying to make myself over. i need to do this. i need to find me more and i need to find more friends or atleast hang out with the friends more. i don't really care if i know anyone who reads this at all. but i need this. i need to have something that is mine that is not nick's also. or that he can't read. because i write to vent things and i say things that i don't mean but he takes them seriously but i just get it out and then i feel better and i get on with things. but he takes these things seriously. and get mad and upset. but he doesn't understand that i just need to get these thoughts and feelings out! i need to or i'll just go crazy! this is going to be the journal where i let EVERYTHING out! my weight my weight losses and gains. my feelings towards other ppl. or my loss of feelings towards people. i love Nick very much but i need to learn to love myself or make myself the way i want in order to love myself.
as i was saying above. i'm going to be writing in here every single day. more then once most days. i'm going to write down everything that i eat any working out i do. anything i freakin want!
lowest weight: 130
highest weight; 190
current weight: 169
i need to lose a lot a lot of weight! i'm going to get down to 110 maybe lower! i don't care what it takes. i've been on and off with eating disorders since i was 13. i'm now 20 years old! i don't care what it takes to lose this weight. i don't care if i die from it. i'd rather die thin and beautiful then fat and flabby! it will be easier on days that i work because then i don't have time. i will work as much as i can so then i have something to do so i can't eat. and plus i will get money!!! YAY! that's always a good thing. i'm gonna make a list of things that i can do besides eating. should be interesting.
today so far i've eatin
a bowl of raisen bran crunch
tomato sandwich....with turkey salami.. beef summer sausage cheese light mayo and a slice of tomato with salt on it. and lettuce. i was terrible though because while i was making the sandwich i ate two other slices of summer sausage.
then i had some milk.
later a bananna and a kiwi fruit.
see...i eat way to freakin much i'm a fuckin sow!!! whatever..later when nick gets home from work i'm going to see if he wants to go swimming in the pool. plus i've been playing with Sparky like all day! that puppy takes a lot of attention and he's full of energy! wowsers!!! okay well i'll probably write more later. specially if i eat more or do some workin out!
my first goal is to get own to 130 that is a total of 39 smacker of jiggely fat that i need to lose. no guy wants to slap a girls ass and have it bounce back at him!! no guy wants to look at a dimply ass while doing it doggy style!! and i love doggy style!!! every other ana/mia girl like the quote "nothing tastes as good as thing feels" but i actually find the tattoo on angelina jolie (who is fuckin sexy as hell!!!!) " that which feeds me kills me" and the quote "an imperfect body reflects and imperfect soul" i must be PERFECT!!! i need to be perfect in some way in my life. i've done so many things wrong in my life that i need to get this right. 130----first goal.