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I had a moment of boredom so I decided to lurk around the community and read back entries in certain peoples journals, after reading a few I stopped, and now I realize why a lot of people around here seem to have a problem with me. I guess people can write what they want to write in their journals, that's what they're for right? So don't persecute me for writing what I want in my journal.
You all know what's coming, and I hate to name names but it would be pathetic of me not to, everyone knows who I'm talking about so there's really no point in me getting all secretive and acting as though I can talk about the things that have been on my mind recently without anyone knowing the truth behind it.
I'm talking about the entry Sarah made informing the world of how much of an ass I am. Sure, I deserved it.. I'm not going to make any blows to her for that, she had every right and I'm thinking it may serve it's purpose.
You know what you're doing while you do it, of course you do, but until someone hits you over the head with something or shoves something like that entry in your face, you don't seem to realize the extent of your actions. Reading through those entries hit home and made me think.. I've been thinking about things a lot lately, but those entries fired them all up again and inspired me to write exactly what I think about the whole situation here.
The thing is, I screwed up and really that's got to be the lamest excuse right there, I screwed up worse than I ever thought I would be capable of doing, but I don't have the ability to turn back time and to be completely honest, if I did I'm not sure I'd do it. Lessons are learned and some things are just meant to be, however harsh that seems, things go the way they do for a reason.. maybe for her she'll learn to be a stronger person and next time she finds herself wrapped up in something she's not comfortable with, she won't be afraid to let go because she'll know that the only person she will ever truly need is herself. As for me? I'll learn how to be a better person and that the things I've done in the past just aren't the way to go if you want to make something of yourself in life.
A few months back, things were perfect, or so I thought, back then I would never have thought this is where I'd be right now, as deluded as it might seem, I really did think I had found the one in Sarah, she was everything I ever wanted, beautiful, funny, smart.. the greatest lover and if possible an even better friend. It kills to know that I hurt her, and the things I did really don't seem forgivable, but I get that, I understand that, absolutely. If I were her I'd be treating me a hell of a lot worse than she's doing right now, she's being civil.. hell she even called me on my birthday, which makes me wonder what state of mind I must have been in, to do those things and to let her go.. what was I thinking, what kind of person am I?
As you probably read, things went down hill pretty fast, within the blink of an eye things went from perfect to a lot less than.. I guess you can say I went off the rails, there were other girls and things like that. Let me get one thing straight though, I was never a drunk.. sure after she left me there was drinking, for a moment there the rails didn't seem to even exist anymore to find my way back onto them.. but I snapped out of it, I've realized where I went wrong, I'm quite ashamed of the past few months and this post is really.. just a scatter of thoughts packed together trying to make sense. You might like to call it an attempt at some kind of closure, the bad vibes and awkwardness are not something I enjoy and I'm sure nobody else is too much of a fan either.
I love Sarah, I will always love Sarah, I'm just not sure if I'm in love with her anymore, which in a way is good because I'm pretty sure things are too far gone to ever be resolved in that way. While I'm here I may as well tell people to quit acting up around me as if I don't notice, it's childish and annoying. For one I am not in any way going to hurt Sarah again, I think I've done enough of that to last a life time and I'm not at all proud of it. I'm not expecting a thing from her, I really don't think I hold that right. And I'm even more sure I don't stand a chance, the trust that is needed is gone.
The one thing I do hope to hold on to, or at least work at, is her friendship, if nothing else.. it means the world to me and I'd hate to lose such a great friend.
As for what I want for me right now? I don't know what I want. I'm just going to concentrate on work and such. I think too much and with the mood I am in right now, I couldn't tell you what I wanted to do in five minutes time, so don't start asking me the meaning of life.
- Freddie
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