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Friday, September 2nd, 2005
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9:30p - It's not gonna change anything
Ruben gave me money today. He was at the game, I was working, I was hungry, he got paid, I got fed. I told Jon because I don't hide shit from him. What's the point of operating behind his back? Half the time I KNOW he's gonna get pissed at certain things. Half the time I KNOW it would be better to not tell him at all, but every time I tell him. Because that's how I am with him. I don't have much to hide. So when I called him, I told him I was eating...and I told him Ruben paid.
Half the time he really does get pissed.
He did this time.
How am I supposed to fix this? I'm not.
Yes, I KNOW that you don't like him.
Yes, I KNOW you don't like him around me.
Yes, I KNOW you have that sometime you have that macho pride shit, and you don't like other people taking care of your girl.
Then take care of me. It was just nice FOR ONCE to have somebody pay for me. If I'm hungry, to feed me. If I want something, to get it for me. Just once. And you KNOW I'm not materialistic. If I was I would have left along time ago.
And the one thing I HATE...is when I complain about you not taking me out, and all you can do is point at my ring or point at my necklace. As if I'm supposed to be like "Oh that's right..nevermind".
All I want is for you to get a job. That's all. I talked to Eddie at work and even HE gets it.
You tell me you want to support me and take care of me. But not now? Later? When we're married? Fuck that. You gotta prove it to me now! You think I'll marry you if you don't show me you can support me. I'm a woman Jon. We need proof. Because what if this never ends. What if you KNOW I'm always gonna work, so you rely on me. Jon...I've HAD boyfriends like that. I've had the ones who just depended on me for everything. And when you came around you were different. I felt I finally had somebody I could depend on. Somebody who will take me to the movie I've been dying to see, and NOT have to ask if I have money.
And don't for a second think that I don't recognize what you do for me. I KNOW that you take care of me, in the sense that you are my shoulder to cry on, my solid rock. You are HERE for me. YOU TAKE CARE OF ME. And I LOVE YOU FOR IT. This isn't gonna change that. It's not gonna change anything.
I don't want a rich man. If I did I would have gotten one. I want you.
If this whole entire entry seems to say one thing in the beginning and another thing at the end, then I'm sorry.
I just had to get all this out.
You're sitting in my living room and I know you're still pissed.
Somewhere in Kingsville Ruben's sitting down without me.
Somewhere in Corpus you're sitting down without me.
But...you have me Jon. Come get me and prove to me you can do this.
current mood:  contemplative
current music: Alkaline Trio - Radio (1 comment |comment on this)
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