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Monday, June 13th, 2005
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11:08p - car lot
So i made the big mistake of reading my old diary entries...when I realized the worst.
The things I say about Jon, the things about how much I love him and how amazing he is, is all true. I mean it all. And I was reading about Steven, and I read the things I said about him. And I couldn't believe how much I used to love him. I didn't want to believe it. But I was reading these words and thinking, how I can feel so much for him...and then feel it for somebody else in a matter of years. And I felt like a whore! Because it made me feel that Jon isn't getting what he thinks. Everything has already been done before it seems.
I don't want to remember loving Steven. I don't even want to think that I really did. But I couldn't stop reading. And I remembered something. I remember being happy. I read stuff from the days when things were good. And I talked about how I will love him forever.
And I don't understand how I could have said that.
And I feel so...wrong. Because Jon is getting a used car. And NOBODY...NOBODY...wants a used car when they can get a new one. Nobody. And I wish I had never done anything with Steven. I want Jon to be my first everything. The first person to cuddle me. The first person to kiss me. The first person to love me back. But I can't change the past. And I am crying sooooooooo bad because Jon deserves more then that. Everything he's getting is second hand. And I'm afraid of it. Because he knows it deep down inside. Maybe he doesn't care. Maybe he loved before me, or kissed before me, but I don't know. Because I'm afraid to know. Because if he has I will feel only 2nd or 3rd...instead of first. But its unfair....because that is how he must feel.
I HATE THAT STEVEN GOT TO ME FIRST!! I hate it. And I don't hate things. I don't know how. But I hate him. And it makes my stomach hurt to think about it. Jon is all that I have. And he doesn't deserve this. He should have been my first everything. But Steven stole everything from me. And I give Jon all I have, but I've done that before. I've ALREADY given somebody everything. How can I do it again? Its not new anymore. I'm not new anymore. And maybe Steve is right. Maybe I do just jump around from guy to guy. And destroy lives in the process. And I'm afraid of destroying Jon. I don't care if I hurt Steven. I don't care. But to even think about what I could be doing to Jon, I could die. And I've thought about letting Jon go. Because I'm only going to hurt him in the end. But I've fallen in love with him. I've given him my everything...and he's taken it. And I never ever want to leave.
But I've said all this before. That's why I'm so worried. I wanted to marry Steven and have babies and live by the beach. I've felt it all before. And I wasted my dreams on an asshole. And Jon is getting somebody elses dreams. He's getting the stuff thats old and used. And he doesn't need that.
I wonder if Jon knows this already. If he remembers me happy with Steven. If he thinks its the same thing again, with just a different guy.
I need to stop crying for one. I dunno. I just do not feel good.
~Chris~
current mood:  depressed (comment on this)
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