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Tuesday, March 1st, 2005
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2:41p - a million miles per second
Everything I write I erase.
I've started an entry like that before.
I've almost erased all of that up there.
I need to just write. Like I used to. When I just write everything, and it all flows like a poem. And then I don't worry anymore. So much Steven bullshit on my mind. So here I go...
These chains around my ankles are getting heavy.
All the iron I've carried over the years...it bruises my legs.
But I carry on.
Sometimes you seem unloseable. Unlockable. Un-take-off-able.
Why do you not see who you are.
I hear that you have changed.
I hear so much about you...but nobody knows.
Because I was there.
Listening to you cry over the phone.
Sitting in silence after all of your confessions.
I was your God it seemed.
Was.
And now you have emerged.
I dated the cocoon.
You are the moth now.
Your words and actions sting like poison.
They travel through my veins a million miles per second.
They spot my mind and stain my heart.
Useless pain though.
It doesn't effect you.
You are the moth now.
You tell me you aren't the same.
No shit.
I get sick when I think of the "good times" now.
The time at pizza hut.
The time before Chrismas.
These memories used to be my heaven.
Now they are my hell.
Remembering all that shit.
That is what it was after all.
Shit.
And now things seem my fault.
You push my buttons and pull my levers.
You do what you can to get me to cry.
To run out the door.
To cry to Jon.
Because that's what you want.
I am your personal entertainment.
I know you lie in the dark and see my face.
You remember the things you don't want to.
You remember exactly what I looked like in Austin.
When I came out of the hotel room in my blue dress.
With my eyes gleaming.
With my sparkling earing.
Without you.
You remember my favorite color.
You remember what I used to eat over the phone with you.
You remember my whisper.
You remember every curve of my body.
You remember what my tears felt like against your cheek,
What they looked like when they melted with the rain,
That day you left me.
You can still feel my fingers in your hair.
My lips.
My eyes.
My heart.
It sits at the edge of the bed at watches you sleep.
But its what you want.
I left a long time ago.
And now?
NOW?
Now I'm stuck in the mud of your wake.
I don't look at Jon and see you.
I don't listen to him and hear you.
Kiss him and taste you.
You are gone.
And at night when I remember you my stomach turns.
I run to the bathroom and cry.
Because for that brief moment it feels like you never left.
And I'm back in the mud.
Stop.
Stop.
Go away.
You get me nowhere.
You do nothing for me.
You are so fucking stupid for this.
My mind is traveling a million miles per second.....
and you are somewhere in my dust.
~Chris~
I feel much better
current mood:  awake (1 comment |comment on this)
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