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Friday, January 28th, 2005
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2:30p - no so last minute nerves
Y'all know me...still same ol G...but I been low key...
Oh, ok sorry. I couldn't resist that. Moving on for real..
Y'all know me and y'all know how paraniod I can get. I KNOW that I am ready to lose my virginity to Jon. But, the other day Sarah was telling me about her and Bobby and how they almost had sex. Bobby wants to wait untill marriage...but Sarah is ready. And he was explaining to her WHY he feels this way...and he said something that stuck with me. He told her "I don't want to do it to pleasure you. I want to do it to love you." And yeah, it sounds cliche and lame...but after hearing it I realized something. I know why I want to have sex with Jon....but I don't know why he wants to have sex with me. And, I know losing his virginity isn't a big deal to him, and he said he would make it special since it's important to me...but I want it to be important to him. I don't know why, but I want him to do it because he loves me.
And like I said, I get paranoid sometimes. Maybe he IS doing this because he loves me and wants to express it. I don't know. I'm just weird. And I'm afraid it's going to mean the world to me, and it won't mean much to him. Or it will only mean the world to him because he knows it's important to me. And I can't make him feel a certain way about this. Ahh I don't know.
Maybe its because I don't know what I'm doing. I mean, I've been in relationships before...but not like this. Never like this. It's gotten to the point where all I have to do is look at him and I'm completely happy in life. Nobody has ever treated me the way he treats me...and nobody has ever made me this happy. I'm afraid I'm going to ruin it. What's worse, I'm afraid I'm going to over analyze this sex situation, and screw up what I have.
And Bobby talked to me about a whole bunch of stuff. And, man did I cry. I cried HARD. And it's like freakin crazy. I love Bobby. He told me like I was a sister to him, and I consider him a brother. But, he made me so scared about doing this with Jon. And that's bad. I shouldn't be scared of this. And he told me to look at all the other couples who had sex, and what happened to them. You know, it wasn't the sex that screwed them over. That was just a tac-on. Part of having sex is preparing yourself to handle all the stuff that comes with it.
It's not that I'm not ready. I am ready, and I know why I'm ready. I just wanna know why Jon's ready. And I love him sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much, and maybe I can't express it just right. I'm usually so good with words...
~Chris~
I'd work for you
I'd slave for you
I'd be a beggar or a knave for you
If that isn't love, it will have to do
Until the real thing comes along
I'd gladly move
The earth for you
To prove my love, dear
And its worth for you
If that isn't love, it will have to do
Until the real thing comes along.
With all the words, dear, at my command
I just can't make you understand
I'll always love you darling
Come what may
My heart is yours
What more can I say?
I'd lie for you
I'd sigh for you
I'd tear the stars down from the sky for you
If that isn't love, it will have to do
Until the real thing comes along
With all the words, dear, at my command
I just can't make you understand
I'll always love you baby
Come what may
My heart is yours
What more can I say?
I'd lie for you
I'd cry for you
I'd lay my body down and die tor you
If that isn't love, it will have to do
Until the real thing comes along
current mood:  contemplative
current music: Billie Holiday-Until the real thing...(every word for Jon) (1 comment |comment on this)
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