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Tuesday, November 2nd, 2004
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5:23p - The Winter Months
I can't explain my feelings for Ruben. It's just, I've always had feelings for him. It has to be something about the way he makes me feel (duh). It has to do with the way I feel in his arms. Everytime we hug or everytime he holds me I close my eyes. It's like second nature. Like when people kiss, and their eyes automatically close. But, he doesn't even have to kiss me to get me to do that. I feel...warm. Which isn't just because he's a big man. lol. He just makes me feel warm, and safe, and loved. But with all this shit goin on between me and him, I'm missing that feeling. And it's driving me crazy.
It's been a very long time since I've felt this way. Somewhere around 2 - 2 1/2 years to be exact. Back when I couldn't last 5 minutes without Steven. This is how I feel with Ruben. I just......I want him. And I had forgotten how that felt. To want.
The cold front came in last night, and I am reminded of Steven. Whenever I think of Steven, I remember the winter months, because those were the best. I hate the cold, but with him I was always warm. And I miss that feeling too. And I want that feeling. But I don't want it from Steven anymore. And that's new to me too. Aside from the 10sec. I spent in Rubens arms today...I spent the whole day cold....and alone.
I always do fine on my own. I can be independent if need be. And after I got over the whole Steven thing, I realized that a boyfriend is an accessory, not a necessity. But now I'm not too sure.
I just want to feel warm right now.
~Chris~
current mood:  cold
current music: Christina Aguleria - Beautiful (comment on this)
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