Christine's Blurty

Christine's Blurty

Below are 50 recent journal entries, after skipping 50



	2005.02.02 09.21 TULIPS! Ok ok, so when I actually take a break from writing all sorts of stuff starts to happen. Well, not really ALL SORTS, but you know what I mean. So here it goes....ima start backwards... Yesterday was so weird. It was the Franc .... D'Ambrosio concert. Don't know him? I didn't either at first. He played Anthony Corleone in Godfather III, so of course I went!! He didn't sing opera though, he sang Broadway tunes. Whaaaat? I didn't want that. Anywho, I decided to drag Jon along with me. I was supposed to be there at 7:00. Well, 7:15 rolls around and he's not there to pick me up, AND we had to pick up Victor. I'm pacing back and forth gettting mad. So FIIIIIIINALLY he shows up. I am like two seconds away from being all really really angry (which doesn't happen that often)...but NOOOOOOOOOO...he just HAD to show up with flowers. Not just flowers....tulips. Not just tulips....RED tulips. Not just RED tulips....but 7 red tulips. Not just 7 red tulips....but a stuffed Luvs-a-lot bear too! HOOOOLY CRAP! Good way to get his ass out of trouble right? Right! It turns out the whooole reason he was late was cuz he went to get me the tulips. Which is like...automatic excuse for any future faults within 1 hour of the purchase. So yeah. We got there JUST when it started. Not like it mattered, since the show wasn't that great. I mean, he was in the fuckin Godfather!! COME ON!!! But noooo...he wanted to dance and make little jokes. The only highlight for me was when he sang the Godfather Theme. It was beautiful. OMG. So we leave during intermission with Bobby, Sarah, and Jamie. We all go to Burger King. It was soooo much fun. We should do that again. After that I go back to Jon's house. ....yeeeeeeeeeeah. wink (this man in freakin incredible) Moving backwards, onto a sadder note...a friend of Jon's passed away. It was crazy because it really hurt him, and so that really hurt me. I went to see him just so he could have somebody there and it was so sad. He cried. And like....it broke my heart. I would rather have everything I love and own taken away, and killed a million times over then ever see him in pain. I just held him. It was all I could do. It's my job to be there for him, and that's exactly what I'm gonna do. It killed me to see him cry. Before that I can't really remember. Forget moving backwards, lets fast forward. Today is the blood drive. I want to give blood sooooo bad, but i can't. Anemia sucks. Stupid hemoglobin. lol. It's just, knowing that I can save 3-4 lives...thats HUGE. That is the greatest thing I can do. Help other people. If it means passing out again, and maybe even getting really really really sick, I would do it. Cuz you never know if I could be saving the next president of the U.S., or the person who cures Cancer or AIDS. sigh Ok, ok. All is done. For now. More of the day to live. It's gonna be a good one. ~Chris~ Mood: happy



	2005.01.31 14.45 tongue-tied For some reason I have a lot to say, which is normal for me...but there is a stipulation. I don't know what it is! lol. I like, have all these thoughts in my head, and normally I'd write them here in vivid detail....but yeah. I can't. Anybody have any questions? No? Ok. Moving on. I feel like sleeping. Not cuz I'm sleepy, but cuz I really want quiet. I just wanna lie in bed, and.....shhhhhh. Just lie there in the hush, and think about nothing. Having Jon there would be even cooler. sigh I'm in one of those surreal moods today. Kinda feel like I'm floating. A good floating though. Bobby said he didn't mean to scare me about anything. He's glad I'm thinking things over. I'm still thinking. I'm positive this is what I want to do...but I want to keep thinking about it till like....30min before! lol. That way when I do it...I won't have the need to think about it anymore, or ever again. I'ma move in with him (Jon). At least, I want to. Maybe here in town, maybe not. Who knows. I'll know before school is out. College is pending. I sing for UTSA in 2 1/2 weeks. I'm nervous as hell. Somebody calm me. Wow I feel good. Amazing mood today. I feel kinda pretty too. Hehe. ~Chris~ Mood: calm Music: Ashanti - Only You



	2005.01.28 14.30 no so last minute nerves Y'all know me...still same ol G...but I been low key... Oh, ok sorry. I couldn't resist that. Moving on for real.. Y'all know me and y'all know how paraniod I can get. I KNOW that I am ready to lose my virginity to Jon. But, the other day Sarah was telling me about her and Bobby and how they almost had sex. Bobby wants to wait untill marriage...but Sarah is ready. And he was explaining to her WHY he feels this way...and he said something that stuck with me. He told her "I don't want to do it to pleasure you. I want to do it to love you." And yeah, it sounds cliche and lame...but after hearing it I realized something. I know why I want to have sex with Jon....but I don't know why he wants to have sex with me. And, I know losing his virginity isn't a big deal to him, and he said he would make it special since it's important to me...but I want it to be important to him. I don't know why, but I want him to do it because he loves me. And like I said, I get paranoid sometimes. Maybe he IS doing this because he loves me and wants to express it. I don't know. I'm just weird. And I'm afraid it's going to mean the world to me, and it won't mean much to him. Or it will only mean the world to him because he knows it's important to me. And I can't make him feel a certain way about this. Ahh I don't know. Maybe its because I don't know what I'm doing. I mean, I've been in relationships before...but not like this. Never like this. It's gotten to the point where all I have to do is look at him and I'm completely happy in life. Nobody has ever treated me the way he treats me...and nobody has ever made me this happy. I'm afraid I'm going to ruin it. What's worse, I'm afraid I'm going to over analyze this sex situation, and screw up what I have. And Bobby talked to me about a whole bunch of stuff. And, man did I cry. I cried HARD. And it's like freakin crazy. I love Bobby. He told me like I was a sister to him, and I consider him a brother. But, he made me so scared about doing this with Jon. And that's bad. I shouldn't be scared of this. And he told me to look at all the other couples who had sex, and what happened to them. You know, it wasn't the sex that screwed them over. That was just a tac-on. Part of having sex is preparing yourself to handle all the stuff that comes with it. It's not that I'm not ready. I am ready, and I know why I'm ready. I just wanna know why Jon's ready. And I love him sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much, and maybe I can't express it just right. I'm usually so good with words... ~Chris~ I'd work for you I'd slave for you I'd be a beggar or a knave for you If that isn't love, it will have to do Until the real thing comes along I'd gladly move The earth for you To prove my love, dear And its worth for you If that isn't love, it will have to do Until the real thing comes along. With all the words, dear, at my command I just can't make you understand I'll always love you darling Come what may My heart is yours What more can I say? I'd lie for you I'd sigh for you I'd tear the stars down from the sky for you If that isn't love, it will have to do Until the real thing comes along With all the words, dear, at my command I just can't make you understand I'll always love you baby Come what may My heart is yours What more can I say? I'd lie for you I'd cry for you I'd lay my body down and die tor you If that isn't love, it will have to do Until the real thing comes along Mood: contemplative Music: Billie Holiday-Until the real thing...(every word for Jon)



	2005.01.25 14.36 Virgin Today is weird so far. I feel like being in San Antonio. I absolutely adore that city. I think I might move there. College is looming over my head like a balloon runnin out of helium...and Lord knows I hate balloons. I feel so blah today. I think it's cuz I'm breakin out really really bad...so that makes me feel ugly...which lowers my confidence...which ruins my day...etc. Ima try to go to the dermatoligist today to get a "prom shot" or sumthin. Desperate times....or so they say. It's crazy that I'm ready to loose my virginity. This is really really huge. But I don't know if its huge because it's truly something that matters to me, or because I come from a religion that stresses its importance. On the same hand, the generation I come from has all these different things to say about sex. People can be complete whores and make it sexy, and yet the "weapon of mass destruction" was found to be AIDS. I dunno, this is just a really big thing. And although Nathalie is suprised daily by my sexual non-shalance during conversation, nobody knows how nervous I really am. Not nervous like "Oh my God I can't do this"...nervous like "I can't believe I've found the one person I feel I can do this with". I saw a shirt that says "CRAZY IN LOVE". I really really want that. lol. It states the obvious. Today is weird, but my off period is on the way. ~Chris~ I love you baby. Mood: chipper Music: Destiny's Child - Soldier (I love my man!!)



	2005.01.24 15.00 this is so real OH MY GOD I LOVE MY JON SO MUCH. It's like....this is the realest thing in my life right now. No worries, no concerns, no doubts. This is the only thing I am certain of. And I got him to go to Favorites! YES! Shit, I can't wait till favorites! The dress ima get is soooo nice. It was crazy, Jon looked at me like I was beautiful. Which, he does all the time, but this time there was something different about it. It was like....wow. Ah, yes. I am so happy. I want the bell to ring so I can see him. Sorry but this is all I can talk about right now. For some reason I can smell him around me, so that's not helping! I love this guy so much that even I think I'm crazy!!! Wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow. I feel like just lying next to him and taking a nap. He's so cudly and warm. Wow. I have no idea what else to say. I wish y'all could see me typing this! I have the stupidest smile on my face. Just thinkin bout my Jon makes me smile. He is so amazing. Soo....amazing. Wow. I wonder if he loves me this much? I'd like to think so. I hope so. Cuz this is a loooooooot of love. Wow. I guess thats all I have to say. Bells gonna ring and I get to see my baby. YES! ~Chrs~ WOW Mood: loved



	2005.01.18 17.40 A much much too much Damn, I think I've already used that subject title. Y'all know I never recycle. I'll go through the archives and check in a minute. Ok, so I haven't updated in forever...and sooooo much has happened. Here goes... First off, being part of America's impoverished population sucks nuts. I was born dirt fucking poor, I grew up moderately poor, but I thought I'd moved on up. Apparently the ghetto ain't through with me yet. First our electricity was cut off. I went and stayed at Joe's for a day, and then stayed at my Dad's. We got it on, but had very little time to celebrate because our water was cut off soon after. Grrrreat. Stayed the night at Dad's, and I'm back here now. Crazy times. Money don't grow on trees, but even if it did we'd probably wouldn't have any left to cut down. Next up, I got a hampster. A Teddy Bear Hampster to be unnecessarily specific. The super-models of the hampster world, or so the cheesy pamphlet said. It was so cool. Me and Jon just decided one day to get ourselves a pet. It could have been a dog...but yeah. lol. So yeah, we went and got a hampster. She is so damn cute. We named her Piggy. But, I think she hates me. LIke, she's bitten me twice, and the second time she broke the skin and I was bleeding all crazy. lol. STUPID HAMPSTER! lol. Maybe she'll like me someday. If not, they only live 3-6 years. LMAO! JK. Also, I was almost in a car accident. Me and Jon were getting back from PetCo...and I had to hurry and get Jerry before he left with Sarah or something. So I'm making all these stupid decisions, one of which included turning left onto Texan Trail from a residential street and the exact moment a truck was turning left from Texan Trail onto the residential street. I hit the brakes JUST in time. It was crazy. Like, I just sat there. I realized Jon was in the car and got even more scared. What if HE got hurt? I'd never forgive myself. I'd die if anything happened to him because of my stupid mistakes. AH. Yeah. Today, shit is startin to boil between Jon and Ruben. This subject ain't exactly worth a lot of detail, so I'll keep it bare. Ruben just needs to back to fuck off. And I KNOW it sounds bad that I'm making him out to be the bad guy, because Jon is my man and I gotta take his side...but for real. Y'all don't know. He seriously needs to quit. He knows I have a boyfriend, but then again, that's what he's trying to change. He had a chance a looong time ago. The last thing I need is a hard time for HIS mistake. All I can do know is keep the peace. Lord knows I'm trying. Crazy...I forgot to mention this. Steve TALKED to me. WTF! lol. It was crazy. I come home from Subway one night, and there is a car parked infront of my car. A car I don't know. And I stay in the driveway for a bit and stare, when all of a sudden the car starts, and drives real slow down the street. I freak out and run inside. The second I get inside the phone rings. I answer and hear the last person I expected to hear. Steve says he has to ask me sumthin, and he wants to do it in person, and blah blah. I tell him no. I call Jon and tell him, but he shows up at his house. It turns into all this drama about Monica lying to Jon (which is fucked up) and all this. Well, the next day I decide to talk to Steve to see what he wanted. I talk to him and he is acting sooo....nice. He seems like a completely different person. And to whole time I hear everybody's voices in my head saying that he's full of shit. We talk a bit about our lives lately and stupid chit chat like that. Finally I cut to business. To make a long story short, he realized he still loves me, and he wants to know if I feel the same. I said no. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT MARIE. It took me 3 1/2 years to say one word. I told him no. And it was sweet. And this whole speech he gave me about him changing and being a better person who will care for me and what not. No. It was weird, because I wanted so badly for it to be true. His whole "new leaf" persona. But it's not. Just another lie. Oh well. Oh oh, quick story about Sarah. Me and her went to McDonald's one day...and there was this car infront of us that said "Boricua". We can't see it that well, and we try pronouncing it and stuff. Finally we realize it's Boricua. And I'm like..."yyyyeah, like the song" and she goes "I always thought it was Monicua" and I say "I always thought it was Poricua...you know...like spanish for Puerto Rico". We had a GOOD laugh about that. Sofa laughed cuz apparently Boricua has nothing to do with Puerto Rico. Well GUEEEES what? I did my research. Boricua IS Spanish for Puerto Rico. Not really Spanish, but some language. You don't believe me? Go to www.elboricua.com BITCHES. Last thing, I'm getting on birth control soon. Crazy, I know. Don't worry though... I talked to Sarah and Sof about it, and explained to them I was ready and all this. It's funny cuz I'm actually really excited about it. It like, this is the NEXT level. LMAO. Ahhhhh...good times. DAMN, my life is one big noodle salad. Good times...noodle salad. (Choir peeps know) ~Chris~ Mood: crazy Music: Tom Jones - It's not unusual



	2005.01.10 23.40 I AM THE AMERICAN DREAM So everything in my life is so great. Well, except for my grades...those ain't too hot. But like, everything around me is good. So good that Ruben's constant tries at getting me away from Jon ain't gonna work. So good that me about to be grounded on Wednesday doesn't matter. So good that the DaVinci Code has taken a backseat. So good that....wow. I am now an official member of the Jazz Band. And it feels sooooo good to be back in band. I hadn't been in that atmosphere in years. And when we all went to San Antonio, it felt, right. It was my first love, and I click with these people. The concert was AMAZING. I was soooo nervous, but right when I got on stage it was like second nature. I grabbed that mic and sang my heart out! I danced and walked around and everything. It came so natural. The applause was amazing. I got compliments from strangers the whole night. Mom was there with Joe. Jon and his parents were there too. Jon came and sat riiiiight in the front. And I would always tell him that the song reminded me of him, cuz it was a really good love song. Right before I started to sing, I mouthed "I love you" and pointed right at him. He smiled the whole song through. I love this man sooo much that my mind would fry were I to try and explain it. It's like...AH! I was just staring at him today in complete and total disbelief. The last speech I had to give in speech class was where I had to answer a question. Mine was "Who changed your life the most this year?". My answer was Jon. I said how after Steven (who was a big topic in a lot of my previous speeches) I thought my life was over. It was just years and years of utter bullshit. And things like that hurt for a long time. And you compare everybody to him. Those experiences cut deep and you are scared to death of ever being with anybody else. You question peoples reasons and intentions. And with Jon, even though I knew from the beginning he was different, I still had to doubt. I didn't know how to automatically trust anymore. I was so scared of being hurt. The way Jon changed my life this year was that he showed me that unconditional love does exist. He showed me that I deserve a lot more than what I was getting. sigh. You guys, you know the one thing I have been waiting to say...that I could never say about Steve or anybody else? I'm going to say it now about Jon. You guys....I think he's the one. I took the car to school today and locked my keys in it. lol. I know...a very Christine-like thing to do. So after countless attempts with a hanger...we decided to call Pop-a-lock. It was going to cost $30. !!!. Jon was amazing enough to pay for it. So there we were, sitting on the hood of my car, waiting and waiting. It took well over 2 hours for them to get there. Bobby and Perla came to ridicule, and witnessed the miraculous opening of my car door with something that look a hell of a lot like....A HANGER! Bobby says Jon gets a free screw up. Which is true. Jon always seems to be there to get me out of a pickle. He gets a TON of free screw ups. Man, I can't believe I locked myself out of my car. That is like...the stupidest thing ever. LMAO. Bobby just laughed and laughed, and I supposed that was all you could do. I sat on my hood and stared at my keys, sitting on the seat. It was crazy knowing that the only thing keeping me from the keys was a sheet of plexiglass. lol. Funny. Sometimes the silly things I do just make me that much cuter! YAY! I sware I'm gonna make a zillion copies of my car keys and pass them out to everyone....juuuuuust in case. POP-A-LOCK HASN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME!!! Today was our little choir performance thing. It was like, so random. I dunno why, but after we were done, I just kept thinking about how fuckin random it was. Just, showing up, singing one song. lol. OH MY GOSH, we had this little run-through before we left, and it was HILARIOUS! OMG! Sarah kept doing the nazi part from Euro-trip behind Mr. Bryce. It was the funniest thing I had ever seen. We all started doing in at Bryce just stared. We tried explaining it, but it was no use. OMG. Everybody had the giggles or sumthin. It was just one of those days where you can't help but laugh at everything. Everything is HILARIOUS! Damn, today was a really good day. Tomorrow will be way cooler. I never thought I would agree with Karl Marx, but he said "...the rich get richer...". Well baby, right now I'm Paris Hilton...and I just won the lotto. ~Chris~ Mood: happy



	2005.01.03 23.15 the year of the rooster Ok...I have no resolutions. I end up breaking them anyways, so I see no point. If something needs change then so be it...but I won't alter things just cuz the date changed. So what has been going on? Things are going really well. I have my license now, so I drive as much as possible. I signed up at the Athletic Club to stay fit and toned...NOT to lose weight y'all. I was fired, so now I get to do the things I was missing out on. Things with Jon are amazing. I got to Jazz Band concert coming up. Ruben's back on my mind, and it bothers me. Lemme elaborate that last one. Y'all know how I used to feel about him. And, right in the middle of those feelings, me and Jon were getting closer and closer. I realized Ruben was no use. I realized I had a good thing staring me in the face. So I got with Jon, and I pushed the feelings for Ruben away. But, I'm afraid I pushed them deep inside rather then out. And he wants me back, but it's way to late. And we were there infront of my car, and he tried to get me to admit that I still want him. And, I don't, and even if I did I wouldn't admit it. I know who I love. And I will never hurt that person. Even if it means forgetting what could have been. I will forget those feelings for him, because Jon deserves more. 'Ben, we had bad timing. I won't ruin things with Jon. I love him too much. I respect him. It's funny sometimes, when you look back. I never would have pictured us together. I never would have thought I could get over steven. I never would have thought I could be this happy. ~Chris~ Mood: calm Music: Slipknot - Duality

2004.12.27 20.02
THIS IS SO TRUE!

You Know You're From Kansas When...

You've been hit by enough tornados to know there is no such thing as Oz

A shotgun is your idea of instant messaging.

You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply

You're ready to shoot the next person who asks about Toto & Dorthy

You've had classes canceled for heat & snow in the same month

You support the Chiefs through thick and thin.

You have to travel 20 miles just to go to the nearest mall

The only tourists you see are on the way to Colorado

You know the meaning of Rock Chalk Jayhawk.

Your closest neighbor is more than a mile away, and you can still see him from your front porch.

The terms Sooners, Huskers and Missouri Tigers cause the hairs on the back of your neck to stand up straight and your blood pressure to rise.

You are not surprised to find movie rentals, ammunition and bait all in the same store.

You know everything goes better with Ranch.

You know the real way to pronounce the name of Clintons state and the river... arKANSAS.

You never met any celebrities. (Bob Dole isn't a celebrity, he's your neighbor.)

You had at least one summer job that was bucking bails or custom cutting.

You understand the difference between 3.2 and 6 point, and more than once you've made a beer run to another state.

You know in your heart that K-State can beat Oklahoma in
football.

You know that Mt. Oread is really only just a hill.

Down south means Oklahoma.

You can properly pronounce Basehor, Cimmeron, Schoenchen, Kechi, Chautauqua, Arkalalah, and Osawatomie.

You really do think Sunflowers are beautiful.

You went to skating parties as a kid.

Your earliest driving lessons were in a field while picking up hay.

Your excuse for being late is the cows got out, and the boss accepts it MANY times

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Kansas.

Get Your Own "You Know You're From" Meme Here

Your Stripper Name is: Cleopatra

Get your own Stripper Name

Mood: cheerful



	2004.12.26 21.21 The Best Christmas Ever This has been the best Christmas of my life. EVER! Well...thus far. First off, I had a white Christmas. I haven't seen snow in 14 years. I don't remember a damn thing about it really...and when I looked outside to see South Texas covered in snow, I cried and cried. It was like a movie. The most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I slept with my blinds up, so I could see the snow. Secondly, my love for Jon is growing by the second. I just....dammit I wish I could explain this. It's this feeling of total abandonment of all other things. When I'm near him everything else dissapears. And I get this feeling of like....warm fuzzy mushy sweet. And for Christmas I got a diamond necklace. A heart made of diamonds that I will wear to the grave. I didn't know it was possible to love this way, or to love this much. Thirdly, nothing went wrong on Christmas! Everything was just so amazing. The presents that I got I loved. I got to see pretty much aaaall of my family. I ate damn near all of Nueces County. I drove around in the snow. I made a snowman. I wore gloves because I had to, not cuz I wanted to! I watched Napoleon Dynamite 4 times. I got to see my Jon. I had amaaazing orgasms! Ahhhhh....great freaking Christmas. I HAVE NEVER BEEN THIS HAPPY IN MY WHOLE LIFE! Who knew I could smile this much for real. ~Chris~ Mood: ecstatic Music: Queen - Bicycle Race



	2004.12.23 01.02 the degrees of separation The weirdest things were happening at work, and I was right in the middle of it. Only thing is I had nothing to do with any of it. I'm too tired to re-type it..so here is the convo with Sofa... ClaudiusProstity: jon comes to see me at work to drop of my dad's christmas present ClaudiusProstity: we're wrapping it and stuff when i hear somebody knock on the window... ClaudiusProstity: keep in mind we were already closed ClaudiusProstity: well its monica ClaudiusProstity: i unlock the door and she says she needs Jon ClaudiusProstity: and she looks all serious ClaudiusProstity: well he goes out there... ClaudiusProstity: and they're talking ClaudiusProstity: and then she's yelling and stuff ClaudiusProstity: and walking around and waving her arms and stuff ClaudiusProstity: and i'm stayin out of it cuz its not my thing ClaudiusProstity: but i wanna know ClaudiusProstity: so they're yelling and stuff ClaudiusProstity: she's* ClaudiusProstity: all of a sudden Michael's car speed up and parks...and steve is in the passanger ClaudiusProstity: i dont think steve got out... ClaudiusProstity: but him and michael are talking, and jon and monica are nowhere to be seen ClaudiusProstity: finally mike speeds of really really fast... ClaudiusProstity: a few minutes later Jon comes in ClaudiusProstity: and he looks either worried or pissed ClaudiusProstity: prolly both ClaudiusProstity: and I'm like what the hell is going on ClaudiusProstity: and he just says he has to go ClaudiusProstity: and i'm getting mad, because it wasn't my business at first, but now he's affected, and now he's upset...so NOW it's my business... ClaudiusProstity: but he just keeps saying not to worry about it.... ClaudiusProstity: he kisses me, gets in his car and like takes off hella fast ClaudiusProstity: like....8 min later mike and steve come back ClaudiusProstity: they are speeding through the parking lot....and they see me through the window ClaudiusProstity: mike reverses and pulls up towards to door...but i walk off towards the back cuz i dont wanna get involved after all ClaudiusProstity: it was just CRAZY shit Ok, that's whole shebang. I just don't know what the hell is going on anymore. Monica is Jon's best friend, and I am so totally cool with that. But I was having a really bad day...and I was sick. Maybe I don't come first. If so he better let it be known. I'm not going to be the sidekick in my own relationship. Her and Jon have something that I will never have with him, but I thought we had something that they don't to cancel that out. The degrees of separation between me and her are closer then they appear. ~Chris~ Mood: confused Music: Vertical Horizon - You're a God



	2004.12.21 22.00 tra la la I have absolutely nothing of substance to say. Which sucks. I'm just sittin here waiting. Waitin for Christmas Eve to exchange presents with Jon. Waitin for Christmas to be with my families and get my presents. Waitin for the 27th to see my Marie. Waitin for the 28th to get my license. Nuthin but a whole bunch of waiting. ~Chris~ Mood: bored



	2004.12.18 02.00 baa I am apologizing now, because I'm tired. There's no point in being mad, because this is middle school shit. "So and so's not talking to me, so I'm not gonna talk to her". Things like that. This man who's every word is a word I believe said, "Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it". That was Mahatma Gandhi. And he's right. Me apologizing is insignificant, but it is very importnat that I do it. I hope I'm forgiven. Gandhi also said, "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong". He's right about that too. My head hurts so much from thinking. You know, I've always felt a bit out of place. I mean, when the whole gang is together, everybody fits. It's natural. But something about me feels like I'm the odd one out. Even though I was everpresent and telling all the stories. Maybe I really am the black sheep. But, maybe that's why they kept me around. I feel like stopping this entry, getting up, running outside and leaving. It really is that easy, you know? To just quit. To run away and start all over again. But I have the boomerang syndrome. No matter how far I run, I wind up where I started. Tomorrow is going to be the best. That's a friggin fact. ~Chris~ Mood: sleepy



	2004.12.16 20.04 "side order of guilt please" It's like of said in the past, "when one thing is perfect, another part has to screw up". I am so ridiculously happy with Jon. It's just one of those things. I can't believe how happy I am. That isn't the point. The point is this. I am (once again) having trouble balancing my friends and my boyfriend...or so I heard. And yeah, I am out almost every night. It's because I managed to get a job AND a man during the holiday season. I have a zillion things to buy and errands to run and hours to work and 3 different houses to live in. Now, that being said, I can hear my friend(s) saying "well I have a job and a boyfriend too...but I still make time for my friends" That's the point. So Sarah calls me this morning and tells me that everybody is goin out to shop after 3rd. Only thing is I had plans to run errands with Jon....hang out with my mom at T.G. Allen, Denny's, Mall, Best Buy, pick up Jerry, go nap at his house. We had that planned for a few days. So I kindly tell Sarah I would, but I have plans. FANSHIT Sarah is totally cool with it, but mentions something Sophia had said the other day. Something about how they never see me anymore and something about how I'm always with Jon nowadays. Now I am 100% ready to admit that I am with him almost everyday. Thing is, I had no idea that my friends were going out everyday, inviting me, and I turned them down to go out with Jon. Gee...that's crazy...I don't remember that EVER happening other then today. The only other time I can think of them being together without me was when Sofa and Aaron and Nina came to my house from Albert's. True, I wasn't there. And true, Jon was on his way over. I had NO idea that anybody was even over at Albert's. Nobody told me shit. But its ok, cuz I figured they just forgot. I would have gone. I would have been there in a heartbeat. So, today at school Becca comes up and says "Go to the choir room after this cuz we're all leaving". I try and tell her I already have plans and all this, but everything I say she says "Well, we're doing that too". This is where it gets messy. She asks why I don't go with them, and I say because I don't like her. You people KNOW ME! You know me more then I know me. You know my every move and my every intention. I said the whole Goddamn thing with a smile on my face, and she just storms off. I called after her and all that, hoping she was just kidding too. Nope. That put me in a bad mood. Maybe she didn't know I was kidding. If that is the case, then I'm sorry. It gets a lot better....check it out... After aaaall the other shit me and Jon had to do, we finally got to the mall to buy my grandpa his gift. Who do we see but the whole bunch. I look at them and smile, but thats as far as I get before Becca walks right past me and everyone else walks into the store without even saying hello. The only people that come up to me and Jon are Sarah and Bobby, who are ALWAYS right by me through thick and thin. I just look at Sarah and she goes "Don't worry about it". We all talk for a minute about things. After all the hugs and kisses Sarah just winks and says "They'll get over it". It wasn't till I got in the car that I started crying hystarically. And I'm crying and screaming, telling Jon the whole story and how fucked up it all is. Who the fuck do these people think they are! They are my FRIENDS. Bullshit that I'm never there!! I wasn't there TODAY! I skip one day with them and they all turn up there noses. I almost expect it from Becca...but never from Sofa. Never from her, because she is my best friend. But she was the first person to say I wasn't around. And I don't understand. And Jon is trying to calm me down, saying that they will get over it, and that I still have Sarah. I will always have Sarah, and for that I have eternal gratitude. But all this is so blown out of line and so over exaggerated. Just so y'all know....Tomorrow I am having lunch with Jon's parents and I work 7-close, and Saturday is my Mom's graduation. If you still give a flying fuck.....my Sunday is open. ~Chris~ Mood: pissed off Music: Ludacris - Get Back



	2004.12.15 14.13 waiting for '05 Holy shit I'm going to graduate. Soon. Too soon but still not soon enough. It's kind of weird considering I can remember elementary perfectly. But, it wasn't just yesterday. It was years ago. Ten years ago. Eleven years ago. Everyday in the I.S.D. leads up to graduation day. Mommies and Daddies drop their kids off at kindergarten with the hopes of seeing them in the cap and gown. You are pushed and stressed to succeed and progress and make it. You have to go to the 7th grade, so you can go to the 8th grade, so you can go to the 9th grade, so you can go to the 10th grade.... As of now all I can do is imagine the moment I walk across the stage to grab a sheet of paper. From the moment you are born it is a countdown till you get that paper. You work for 18 years to get a sheet of paper. To get a pat on the back and a slightly better paying job in the future. You work for 18 years to get the key that opens the door to the rest of your life. You work for 18 years so your children can work for 18 years with more luxury then you had when you were young. You work for 18 years so you can work for 2 or 4 or 8 more years. You work for 18 years so you can stay home and raise babies or go out and save the world. You work for 18 years to get away from your parents. You work for 18 years because you have to. You work for 18 years because you want it. Because you need it. Damn...I really want that sheet of paper. And then I want another one so that when people call me "Dr." they won't be lying. ~Chris~ Mood: hopeful Music: Ja Rule - NEW YORK! (goood song)

2004.12.13 15.08
da quizzes



	2004.12.09 17.55 2nd lap It's hard sometimes to accept our distance. Although me and Steve are nowhere near reconciliation, I can't help but wonder why. Was it something I did? Was it something he did? Was it just fate? I realize now that my love for him, if ever was present, no longer exists and will never return. If you were to ask me 2 years ago if I think me and him will ever be this far apart, my answer would be "no". We were supposed to last forever. One of those fairy tale relationships that I would have told our grandchildren someday. Those memories still haunt me. Things like that hang around your head like fog. The "good times". I remember thinking that I must have loved him, because the bad things he did hurt me so terribly. If it hurts that badly, then he must really mean a lot to me. Ladies and Gentlemen, don't ever judge your love by pain. If they really mean a lot to you, then you wouldn't hurt at all. Never ever judge your love by pain. I was weak throughout the majority of our relationship, and in many ways, so was he. I never stood up when I should have. I never made things right. And the kinks that were caused never went away, because we chose to ignore them rather then fix them. And, there are things I'm sorry for. And I wish I could fix those kinks, but now it's too late. I have a new relationship now that is more then I could ever ask for. It made me realize that I really do deserve the most amazing of things. It made me understand not to judge love by pain, but by happiness. And I am happy. And I am loved. And with this relationship came the end to the thoughts above. With this relationship came the end of Steven. With this entry came the end to the thoughts above. With this entry came the end of Steven. With this now established, I will begin to run my 2nd lap. ~Chris~ Mood: calm Music: "songs i've sung with you" playing in my head



	2004.12.06 15.04 The stranger in the hallway pt. 2 (do y'all remember "the stranger in the hallway" pt. 1?) To refresh...it was written at a time when me and Steve, who had once been so close, treated eachother like strangers. So now to reprise the title...I continue with this story.... I was walking towards choir, and I saw Steven walking towards me. I don't care much about his presence anymore...so I did a little side step to let him through. But, he grabbed my arm and pulled me towards him. "Stop saying shit about me" I struggled, but it didn't matter. Everytime I got away from him, he pulled me back. "You need to stop saying shit about me" I haven't said a damn thing about him. "Stay the fuck away from me! I'm not saying shit about you" And it wasn't about him grabbing me in an empty hallway. It was about accusing me of something I'm not doing. It was about coming up to me without evidence. Without proof. And after it all was over, and I wanted was Jon. And I sent Joey to find him. I stood there in the hallway and waited. Choir wasn't important, lunch wasn't important. Nothing was important. Just Jon. And when he got there I didn't know what to say. And I cried, and I tripped and stumbled over my words and thoughts like they were small toys. And I showed my fear, and my weakness. He didn't hurt me. Not by grabbing me. The only think that hurt was that he wouldn't let go when I was pulling my arm away. That hurt a bit. But it was just one of those moments. Fuck this. Fuck this. ~Chris~ Mood: pissed off Music: R. Kelly ft. Jay-Z - Big Chips



	2004.12.05 00.49 Oh, sweet release Oh my God. Jon said he loved everything about me and that he wouldn't change a goddamn thing. And I started to cry right in front of him. And it was the greatest feeling in the world. Not that he said it. That I believe it. ~Chris~ Mood: loved



	2004.11.29 17.52 Ab imo pectore amor vincit omnia Being in the public eye is weird. I feel like the whole world is watching me. And for good reason. Everytime I'm close to a guy who isn't Steven it comes close to making the front page of the El Tejano. It's just weird knowing that everything me and Jon do is being noted by at least that one person. "Every breath you take, every move you make, every bond you break, every step you take, I'll be watching you. Every single day, every word you say, every game you play, every night you stay, I'll be watching you" I am amazed every minute by how much I love him. And love is a very very VERY big word that I am scared to use. But I am learning to take the plunge. "Like" isn't a big enough word for how I feel. I "like" school, or I "like" Geico commercials. But Jon? I love him, and would do anything for him. And I can think of nobody else but him. "'Cause here's my promise made tonight, you can count on me for life. 'Cause thats when I love you, when nothing you do can change my mind. The more I learn, the more I love, the more my heart can't get enough. Thats when I love you, when I love you no matter what." Wow. These days, it's not that hard to smile. ~Chris~ Songs Cited The Police - Every Breath You Take Aslyn - That's When I Love You Mood: loved



	2004.11.28 00.32 I wish I could hate WARNING: The first sentence of this entry might bite me in the ass someday. As of now, I don't care. Steven is an uncaring asshole. Yes Goosie, I said it. And I WISH I could tell y'all why...and maybe I can...but it will have to be vague. Apparently, he's out to "destroy" me and Jon. I am afraid to feel to way I do for Jon. I mean, I've been to afraid to even call him my boyfriend until yesterday. All the stuff I've been through has given me this shell that I don't even want. It's made me second guess EVERY LITTLE thing about relationships and guys. And it sucks so much, because Jon deserves so much more then that. And he does the most amazing things for me...and he CARES about me...but I still worry at night. Inside it's like I'm silently waiting for him to pull a "Steven", even though I know he never will. But, I'm scared. I'm afraid to trust. I'm afraid to just let go and love somebody who truly, genuinely loves me. And one day it will fade, and I will allow myself to be happy. And maybe today is that day. Maybe it was yesterday, or maybe it's tomorrow. I don't know. Jon has given me so much more then I deserve, and I will never be able to return those favors. I am still afraid of Steven, and I wish I could hate him. He hurt me so easily that I know he could do it again. It's like...when he hurts me he doesn't care, and it's that apathy that I fear so much. The fact that he could watch me cry all those times, and sleep at night. And maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he does feel sorry for the things that he did...but I will never know. Steven will never go away. And it kills me. And I'm tired of dying inside merely because of his everyday presence. Every morning I want to wake up and see Jon. ~Chris~ Mood: worried



	2004.11.27 01.06 Thankful for Thanksgiving is turkey. It's family. It's football games in throwback jerseys. It's the ones we love. It's laughter. It's beer. It's all about being laid back. It's giving thanks. I got to have 2 Thanksgivings this year. One with Mom the day before, and one with Dad on Thanksgiving. Mom cooked a big ol' feast. Mmmmm. Y'all don't even KNOW! lol. On Thanksgiving day we went to Daddy's side for the feast. Not that bad, considering they can't cook. Watched the game. My boys were screwin' UP...but they brought it back. I LOVE YOU TESTEVERDE! I LOVE YOU WILLIAMS! My Uncle Lonnie was in town. It was good to see him smiling again. He seems to be doing so much better. See, his daughter (my cousin Jennifer) passed away about 5/6 years ago a month after she graduated high school. She was in a boating accident, and she drowned, along with one of friend of hers. 3 of her other friends, including her boyfriend, lived. It was a really hard time for the family, because they couldn't find her body. They lived in Garland (outside of Dallas) and it all happened on a lake. It was just all too....real. They found her body 3 days later. We all made the trip to Dallas for the funeral...and it was one of the most painful things I've ever had to go through. There was this big easel with her Senior Picture on it. It was a closed casket considering. I don't know if they let Aunt Tony or Uncle Lonnie see her body. People her age don't die. People with promise and ambition don't have their lives cut short. It was weird seeing all of her friends. Pretty much all of her graduating class was there. Her boyfriend, who was on the boat with her, sat there with his head in his hand clutching her rings. See, as the boat was sinking, he tried to bring her to shore, but she was caught on the boat. There was nothing he could do. And he tried and tried, but he knew it was too late. He told her he loved her about a zillion times, and took the rings off of her fingers. And that was it. Uncle Lonnie and Aunt Tony divorced soon after that. I haven't heard from her since. And Uncle Lonnie kept to himself. But, he seems to be doing so good. I cried after he left. I am thankful. Things are going well with me. I count my blessings every night. 1... 2... 3... ~Chris~ Music: Kumbia Kings - Shhh



	2004.11.21 23.22 The unfairness of it all I don't want to tell the story, because it hurts enough that it happened. Why does Steven even care about me and Jon? He has Monica. To him, I am a nothing. So, why does this matter to him. He can't say that it doesn't matter...because if it didn't he wouldn't have been infront of my house at 1 in the morning to see if Jon was there. He has no right to do that. No reasoning. It's unfair. Why was he there? Why does he care? I know that Jon is his best friend. Does he think I don't take that into consideration?? I think about it everytime I'm with Jon! I know what it means! I know! And it hurts me, because it's unfair to Jon. It's unfair to be everything a girlfriend is...but to never get with him because of who his best friend is. Granted that isn't the only reason I'm not with him...but SHIT! I want to know why he still cares! It has taken me a very very long time to get where I am today when it comes to Steven. I have finally reached that state that I need to be in to function without him. But, when I saw his face yesterday, it dissolved whatever of my heart he had left years ago. ~Chris~ Mood: confused Music: Ray Charles - Georgia on My Mind



	2004.11.19 14.02 ELÉGIE I think I have finished my pattern. The solo & ensemble pattern I seem to follow every year. It began with the first song "The lotus flower", a love song. It was simple and free and cute, and was oddly related to me and Steven that year. Then I sang the song "O, Del Mio Dolce", which was a very powerful song about one person's love for another. It was oddly related to me and Steven that year. Last year, I sang "Do not go, my love", which was one of the saddest songs I have ever heard. It was about a woman who is so afraid her lover will leave her, that she refuses to sleep so she can stare at him in bed. Towards the end of the song she accidentally falls asleep, and when she wakes up the song ends without saying whether or not he was still there. It was oddly related to me and Steven that year. And this year? I think I will sing "Elegie", which is a french song about a woman whose lover left her...and her world is over. Is this related to me and Steven this year? Not now. Were I to sing this around September and early October, then it would be a perfect reflection. But now, not so much. If I do do this song, it will be very easy to channel the emotion I need to make this piece effective. I guess that is all I have to say. There might be more after work. ~Chris~ O, Spring of days long gone by, where is thy bloom? Blossoms no longer I see! I see no blue in the sky, I hear no song, birds do not carrol to me! All that I cherish has flown, Love, since you left me to grieve alone! Spring may be fairer then e'er t'was before with you Forever have fled bright happy days, blue sunny skies over head! Cold is my heart and as dark as the night! Love is now dead. All is o'er! Mood: bouncy Music: Mr. Bryan talking



	2004.11.13 21.24 Clinic and Concert The Region clinic and concert was today. It was AWESOME! Considering the last 2 years we had awful clinicians...this year was a treat. The music was sooo good, and my voice was back in it's prime. YAY! There was this one song "He never failed me yet" that was like...we took that shit to CHURCH! It was all souled out and stuff. There were 2 solos, and I about to get it. It was between me and Nathalie. But alas, I was defeated. Lemme tell y'all though....I knocked that shit out. I haven't felt that confident in my voice in a loooong time. It was totally rad. OMG! My friends came to see me! Jon, Chuey, and Kat all came! Man, that was really amazing of them. It meant so much to me. Speaking of which...time to come clean. Me and Jon. What's up there? I'll tell you. Me and Jon are really super close. Best friends practically. So, you get close like that...and the majority of the time you get closer. Like we did. We are close....both physically and emotionally. I talk to him every night before I go to sleep. We kiss and we cuddle and all those great things. Only thing is...I don't think I could ever be with him. Don't ask why. I just can't feel the officiality of it. And this whole thing with Ruben? I can feel the officiality of it. I can feel that with him. Now, Marie commented and told me how much she hates Ruben. And with good freakin reason too. And maybe it is because of the way I present the stories, because he really isn't a bad person. But lately, I only talk about whats been going on. Jon tells me everyday to forget about Ruben and be with him...because he can make me happy. And its true. I can never be sad or pissed around Jon. He just, he makes me happy. But there is something. It is so weird because I can't explain it. Usually, I'm at least able to describe the feelings I have, but I can't. I dunno. All for now I suppose. I gotta work tomorrow. 10-2. Come and see me. ~Chris~ Mood: tired



	2004.11.11 23.05 Meanie and Marble Things are getting complicated and confusing when it comes to Ruben. I think this whole thing isn't going anywhere. Sometimes, he's just so mean to me. And, he does it on purpose, cuz he says he does, but he doesn't get it. We kind of had it out today. I just want him to be nice. When he's nice, he is the most amazing human on the planet...because he is genuine. His smile alone makes me melt, and everything is perfect. That is why I am so attracted to him. But when he's mean, he's that kind of mean that just gets you right in the gut...or in my case, the heart. I told him that he doesn't act like he likes me, to which he replied "oh". I told him to come see me at work today. He said he was going to his friends house. It wasn't till I was done mopping the floors that I realized he wasn't coming. Everybody else came though! Jon, Steven, Monica, Mike, Tiffany, Andrew, Brandon, and Adam. It was such a nice suprise. It totally cheered me up. They hung out in the parking lot for a bit, and pointed and laughed when I went inside to finish mopping. lol. Gotta love em. Anyways, I figured something out. I was updating my Blurty on Tuesday, after my first day of work, and I was saying how much I already hate my job. Well, Blurty wasn't working, so I gave up. I think it was a sign, cuz today I realized how awesome my job is. It all depends on who I'm working with. I worked with my manager Darla and her daughter Ashley today. Ash is SO cool. I adore her. She's a senior at Alternative, and she has a baby boy named Nathan who is sooo cute. Anyways, me and her totally get along. Now, this girl Christina, who is the girl I worked with my first day...SHE'S a total bitch. UGH! I can't stand it. I dread working with her. So, all in all, my job is rad, but Christina is not. Tomorrow brings new things. Great things too...I can feel it. ~Chris~ Mood: sleepy Music: A Perfect Circle - Imagine



	2004.11.08 19.32 CHER and ICE CREAM I. Saw. Cher. I went to the Cher concert with a whole bunch of my friends and it was HELLA-AWESOME! I never even really liked Cher! I mean, she was cool and all, but I wasn't really a "fan". Dude, I am SO a fan now. She put on the greatest fuckin show I have ever seen!! It was just....AHHHHH! I was dancing and singing as loud as I could. It was just sooooo awesome. Oh my god! AHHHHHHH!!! FUCKIN CHER!!! And guess what else?!?!?! I GOT A JOB!! Finally! I work at Marble Slab now. Nobody will make/serve ice cream/cakes/cookies/yogurts/etc. like me! NOBODY! YAAAAAAAY! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! ~Chris~ Mood: horny Music: Snoop Dogg - Drop it like its hot



	2004.11.06 21.34 The Big Letdown I have the flu. Correction. I've had the flu for the past 2 days. Normally, I wouldn't care....but today was Region. Top 5 chairs = area...area = State. It started as a sore throat, which was bad enough, but then it just slowly got worse and worse. Come Region I was sick, but still able to sing. In the time between sight reading and repertoire my flu got so bad that I could hardly speak. So I went in the room, and did all I could. But all I could do just wasn't enough. I didn't make area. I don't even know what chair I made, considering I went home right after I left the room. I've sort of been brainwashed into thinking that this is all I'm good at. That's anything but true. I'm good at a zillion other things, but I'm known for being good at singing. People KNOW me for singing. I'm the girl who made All State two years straight. I'm the girl who was unbeatable last year. And now? What's worse is that I couldn't control this. This isn't my fault. I just got the flu! Shit happens. I have nobody to blame. And, I can't blame God, because then I'll go to Hell! And I prayed soooo hard before I went into that room. "Please God. This means so much to me. This is my life. Just help my voice to come back. Please." God hears all prayers...and I know he heard mine. Things happen for a reason. I've heard that too. My friends, who knew there wasn't much they could do, all said the same thing..."Well, we know that you're good. And, you know that you're good, and that is all that matters." And that's true. I am fully aware of my talent. When you look at this from the outside...it's so very easy to say "Aw..I'm sorry. But, it's not the end of the world". The best part is...it isn't the end of the world. It hurts because I put my whole life into this. All of my time and effort goes into perfecting my craft. Y'all know how goofy and carefree I am, but when it comes to music, I am serious. I'm a fucking professional. Sure, I go to competitions with a who-cares attitude and all...but inside I know I am there to get shit done. And...I didn't get shit done today. When you put so much into one single thing, and then you feel defeated, it hurts like a MOTHER, because it feels like your whole life has been defeated. But, I have to keep telling myself that it isn't my fault, and that it's ok. The more I write the more I get over it. I'm sure once I see all my friends leave for area auditions and for State I'll have a minor breakdown...but until then... This isn't my fault... And it's ok. ~Chris~ Mood: depressed Music: AFI - Silver and Cold



	2004.11.03 17.08 Bush & Kerry, Ruben & Me So Bush was re-elected. Considering I was for Kerry, I am dissapointed. I do, however, understand Kerry's reasons for backing out, and I deeply respect him for it. As for President Bush? He has 4 years to fix this problem in Iraq. If he doesn't, it is said he will go down as one of the worst presidents in U.S. history. Ol' G. W. is once again this nations security blanket, so he better step up to the plate. As for me and Ruben? sigh He has come to the conclusion that he wants to be single as of now. I want to cry soooo bad, but I'm refusing to let these tears fall. I'm typing with my eyes all freakin huge. I can't cry, because it won't help. I've learned that lesson. I'm just going to let this roll. That's all I can do. ~Chris~ Mood: restless Music: Me - Do You Hear What I Hear?



	2004.11.02 17.23 The Winter Months I can't explain my feelings for Ruben. It's just, I've always had feelings for him. It has to be something about the way he makes me feel (duh). It has to do with the way I feel in his arms. Everytime we hug or everytime he holds me I close my eyes. It's like second nature. Like when people kiss, and their eyes automatically close. But, he doesn't even have to kiss me to get me to do that. I feel...warm. Which isn't just because he's a big man. lol. He just makes me feel warm, and safe, and loved. But with all this shit goin on between me and him, I'm missing that feeling. And it's driving me crazy. It's been a very long time since I've felt this way. Somewhere around 2 - 2 1/2 years to be exact. Back when I couldn't last 5 minutes without Steven. This is how I feel with Ruben. I just......I want him. And I had forgotten how that felt. To want. The cold front came in last night, and I am reminded of Steven. Whenever I think of Steven, I remember the winter months, because those were the best. I hate the cold, but with him I was always warm. And I miss that feeling too. And I want that feeling. But I don't want it from Steven anymore. And that's new to me too. Aside from the 10sec. I spent in Rubens arms today...I spent the whole day cold....and alone. I always do fine on my own. I can be independent if need be. And after I got over the whole Steven thing, I realized that a boyfriend is an accessory, not a necessity. But now I'm not too sure. I just want to feel warm right now. ~Chris~ Mood: cold Music: Christina Aguleria - Beautiful



	2004.10.30 16.27 Eyes wide shut Fuck confidentiality at this point. I'll use names. I have a feeling that I want me and Ruben more than Ruben wants me and Ruben. Hmm...I guess that was all I had to say. He asked me why I wanted this public, and I still don't know the answer to that. Maybe because when you feel for somebody, you want the whole world to know it. Yo no se. I hate manuvering in the shadows. Lately, I've been doing things in the closet while the whole world sits in my room. I feel like I have a lot to do, but when I finally sit down to do them, my agenda is blank. I need rest probably. Maybe this is a mid-mid-mid life crisis. Damn, I feel so lame right now. lol. ~Chris~ Mood: crazy



	2004.10.28 23.10 Giving the gift of life, love, and happiness So I gave blood today. I'm not supposed to, considering I'm anemic and all...but I wanted to save a life. They didn't ask me if I was anemic...so I didn't tell them. I ended up fainting in the bathroom at Subway. I don't know how long I was lying there till my mom found me. It was crazy. It's been a long time since my anemia was this bad. Maybe it has something to do with 1 of my 8 pints of blood being sucked out, and then not having enough white blood cells to get it all back. Now I know better. I mean, I knew I couldn't do it...but I just wanted to help. But, that's me...giving the gift of life. So there is this guy that I have liked since forever. Everytime I'm around him, I feel perfect. When we danced at homecoming, it felt right. And when we kissed today, it felt...like it was the only thing I should be doing for the rest of my life. The downside to this feeling is that he said we can't tell anybody. And I have been there before, and it hurts. It is unfair. And I don't know why he wants this, but he said we can't tell anybody "yet". If I don't talk to him tonight, I'll talk to him tomorrow. I want to keep feeling this, but not behind a curtain. I'm just not sure why I want the whole world to see me give the gift of love. The "big game" was today. Us versus Miller. It was a pretty good game. All my friends were there...and it was just the most fun I'd had all week. I really needed this. Screaming, laughing, dancing, jumping. Good times. I think I smiled the entire game. I couldn't help it! It's like...I LOVE MY LIFE! There is nothing better then giving and receiving the gift of happiness! ~Chris~ Mood: happy Music: Usher - Yeah



	2004.10.25 14.38 after shocks (have I already used that subject title? I try never to repeat.) So today we took our panoramic senior class picture. It was just...you wait forever to get to this moment, and when it happens, you still don't believe it. We got our package information about caps and gowns and all. I almost started to cry...cuz when our gowns come in, we are taking one more panoramic picture. These people that I've known for aaaaaaall these years, be it 12 or 6 or 4 years, will be there with me. It's so damn cool. I was offered a scholarship to West Texas A&M University. Although I've never heard of it, I figure you gotta take what you can. So, the idea is to go to the campus for music career day, and audition at 3:00. Buuut, seeing as how I live 12hrs. away from Amarillo (where the campus is), I need to know how much green we're talking bout. If it is worth the drive, then Ima do it...if not, then I'll wait for more offers. Right now I am in Speech wearing a giant newspaper sailor hat and my sunglasses. I feel like being silly today. Well, I'm always silly...lemme think of a way to rephrase that. .... .... .... .... I feel like nobody is looking at me, so I can do what I want. My grandpa keeps having heart attacks. I'm scared for him. He is so strong though! I can't imagine him dying. He's 80yrs. old and acts like a child. People like my grandpa aren't supposed to die. People like my aunt aren't supposed to die either. She had breast cancer, and by now it has spread to ever part of her imaginable. The Chemo is so painful for her though, and it kills me to see her hurt. Every girl in the family got breast cancer awareness bracelets. I wear it with pride, and fear. Doctors say that I could have the gene....that it's important to catch it early. I don't know if I could end up with cancer someday. As of right now, I have bigger worries. I'm trying out for the school musical today. Not too sure why, lol. Why not, right? RIGHT! Out of words. ~Chris~ Mood: calm Music: a classroom of conversations



	2004.10.24 09.17 Ritter and fishnets So I went to my very first Ritter, and my very first Screwdriver (which was a shot of 80proof Vodka completely distilled in orange juice). I had soo much fun! Nathalie picked me up and we all went to Nina's for a pre-Ritter drink. The amazing Ms. Cooney went as herself, a total drunk. Shannon was...I'm not sure, but she had a great tube top and a short skirt. Blayre was a complete whore (lol), Adam was a surgeon, Amy was a go go dancer, and Nathalie was a cop. I...ladies and gentlemen...was a devil AND an angel. My legs will never again look as good as they did that night. It was a great costume. So, we all leave at about 8:45ish to be fashionably late. We are getting all pumped and screaming random things at the people on Ocean Dr. We get there and parking is a bitch. Blah blah, skip ahead...ok. I walk inside to get my ticket...get wanded down by security...and walk into the greatest party I have ever seen. The music was LOUD that your heartbeat turned into the bass line to "Tootsie Roll". The lights were going all crazy and there were TONS of people there. OMG! Every song they played was dance worthy. I danced with a few guys I didn't know and of course with Andrew and Adam. Max came down from VIP and danced with me...and then I saw Steve (Ritter President), but he was busy getting water to the people who were passing out. OH that reminds me. Not even 10 minutes into it me and everybody were sweating soooo badly, that I could ring out the bottom of my dress and probably fill a bucket. I blacked out a few times, and left with Nina to buy bottled water, which I wanted to down in 1 second, but found out I had to cherish the drops and make it last. It was sooooooooo fucking hot though. It looked like everybody jumped in the shower with all of their clothes on. Damn. Not very many drunk people to be honest. I mean, a few, but thats about it. I took a lot of pictures too! Gotta remember this forever. It was so much fun. I can't wait till the next one. I don't know what else I can say about it. You kinda had to be there. Like me! ~Chris~ Mood: exhausted



	2004.10.21 11.28 I'm sippin my coffee... ...right now in AP Economics and thinking about things. Coffee helps me relax and think while keeping a cool head. I got shit in my life, no doubt about that...but it's probably ok. I got me coffee. And believe it or not, I only used one packet of artifical sugar as opposed to 1000 spoonfulls of the real stuff. I'm not in a sweet mood today. I just...I wanna be hugged and all...but not that badly. I'm trying to do my project class. Think of ways in which to bring people to our humble little city by the sea. Leave it up to Texas to make the kids fix the economy. Blah blah blah, I'm not talking about anything. I'm way to relaxed right now. I should go to Ritter, sit in the VIP room with Adan and Dr. Boeker. lol. I dunno. ~Chris~ Mood: calm Music: Robert telling me "C'mon"



	2004.10.15 14.15 Friday So Monica was here today with the baby. It was just...it gave me a funny feelling, seeing Steve with her and the baby. It wasn't jealousy. It was more of...realization. Who knows. No more bout this though. Tonight is the Carroll game. The game that determines if we go on or not!! BUT, I'm grounded, so the answer is no. BUUUUT, I've asked about twice and the best I got is "i don't know". I bought me and Jerry tickets just in case. OH! NEWS! The pep rallies have been cut to 15min. AND there is no confetti allowed. What kind of mishigas is that?! I have no interest in having my school spirit suppressed in some bunk pep rally. sigh. I love this school more than anything. Greatest year of my life is getting some swift punches. It sucks. I am so super happy. Just one of those days I guess. I'm dressed like a cat. That's the pep rally theme "Transform the Tigers, come as your favorite super hero!" Weird, I know...but it gives me an excuse to come as Cat Woman. I am just all hyper right now. Crazy crazy crazy. YAY! I love good moods. ~Chris~ Mood: hyper Music: Michael Jackson - THRILLER!



	2004.10.12 09.22 Sports Blitz I TOTALLY forgot to talk about the Moody game!! IT WAS FUCKIN HARSH! Considering this is Senior year, I made a vow to go to every football game. I've only missed one (the McAllen game). So just this past Friday we had our very first district game...and it was against Moody. Now, where I come from, Moody is totally overlooked. Probably because I'm a musician and thier choir/band/orchestra sucks. I didn't know that this season, their Varsity football team was undefeated!! AHH! So eeeeverybody was at the game. School spirit out the wazoo. Screamin and jumpin and all. So we were in the lead...but then they tied it! And then, before you know it, OVERTIME! Then our kicker missed the field goal (high snap) and before you know it...DOUBLE OVERTIME! The score is 21-21 and the pressure is ON! People who weren't at the game before started showing up. It was strictly standing room only. Every single person in that stadium was standing holding pinkies (a tribute to our Alma Mater). We were screaming soooo loud, and then the team turned around and told us to "shhush". I have never heard it that quiet at a game before! Everybody just held their breath. I was praying and praying. It was insane. And then Moody scores, and we lose 24-21. I just burst out into tears, and so did the people around me. It was a long drive home. So that was the game! THAT is what football is all about. And THAT is what being a Senior is all about. Loving your team and school so much you cry over high school football. And the Pep Rallies? DAMN! Seniors and Sophmores are in an all out war. They won 2 weeks straight! ITS AN ABOMANATION! ITS A CRIME! ITS DOWNRIGHT DISPICABLE! But we got our plans...we got our stratagies. Watch your asses Sophmores. GO TEXANS ! GO TEXANS ! GO TEXANS ! GO TEXANS ! GO TEXANS ! GO TEXANS ! GO TEXANS ! GO TEXANS ! Mood: bouncy Music: that song "Desperado...something about fences"



	2004.10.11 14.45 Soft Spoken When somebody desperately wants to talk to you, you can tell. It usually involves a lot of staring, and very little of the actual talking. To he who dares not speak, I am not dead yet. Speak! Do you know whats wrong? Forcing somebody to go to Church is wrong. And when you are wronged like that, you want somebody to side with you. But what happens when you don't talk to the one person you could always talk to? I'll tell you...a lot of staring, and very little of the actual talking. To he who dares not speak, I am not dead yet. So, speak! I lie to the world when it comes to Steven. You hear a lot of "no's" and "nah's" from me, but you know thats not right. I say I've moved on and all that. But come on! Who am I trying to kid? Myself! THATS WHO! It is easier to lie to myself then to wake up every morning loving him. That hurts. Forcing it down is easy. Shutting up your heart? That's getting easy too. But, everybody hears my heart anyways. To my heart who dares not speak, you are not dead yet. SPEAK! I'm getting tired of emotions. I wrote once that I wish I were the Tin Man. That idea holds true for now. Things hurt more and more every second. My lies get bigger, but they spill out of my mouth like water. My lies get harder, but I take them in like oxygen. And everyday when I go to sleep I erase. I realize how much I still love him. I understand that I cannot have him, that he doesn't love me. I figure out what to do and how to do it. But in the morning, I slip the lies back as easy as I put on my contacts. I never forget them, cuz without them, I can't see. I'm living a life through lie-tinted glasses. And I need somebody to tell me better, cuz I've forgotten how to do it myself. To my people who dare not speak, you are not dead yet... So please... Speak. ~Chris~ Mood: contemplative Music: Chronic Future - Time and Time



	2004.10.05 09.19 olvidado mí So Brittney came up to me and says, "I asked Steve about the time you almost had sex, and he said to ask you since I'm better friends with you" So I told her. I was ready. In was in that moment I realized he still loved me, and that I loved him, and that there was nobody else in the world I would want to lose my virginity to. But I said no. I knew! Something inside me said no...and if you have even a shadow of a doubt, don't do it. 2 days later he got with Monica. It's funny the way the world works sometimes. The way big problems are solved in an instant, but the little ones wait around for you. Everything is different. I never thought it would be. But then again, that's me. I wonder if he reads this anymore. Probably not. I want him to see these words though. These and the ones before it. It probably won't do anything. But, I want him to see. Don't know why. I'm in a really funny mood today. Being looked at but not being seen. Being listened to but not heard. Being acknowledged but not known. Being liked...but not loved. He knows my birthday, and my favorite color, and the way my mind works. And he loves them all. He loves every single thing about me, but me. And now he's forgotten me. And it hurts sometimes, but not all the time. Sometimes is enough when you're forgotten though. ~Chris~ Mood: alone Music: Peter Cincotti - Nature Boy



	2004.10.04 09.24 internet-less So our internet is off (we didn't pay the bill) and it is driving me crazy. Not being able to write in my blurty is a terrible terrible thing. So, I have to do it at school. sigh Anyways, District was on Saturday! SECOND CHAIR BABY! Ray did soooo good this year. We were just kickin ass left and right. Region is gonna be even better. Anyways, we had sooo much fun. David taught us all these games along the lines of the beach game. For example. "Thru the green glass doors is the land of Nod. In the land of Nod there are feet but no shoes, mittens but no hands, bees but no hives. What will you bring thru the green glass doors?" See, I can bring a school...or the Nelly CD. Do you know what you can bring? COMMENT AND I'LL TELL YOU! Anywho, we did all sorts of crazy stuff. Loads of fun. Things are going well. Hope is stays this way. ~Chris~ Mood: artistic Music: Wood pan flutes



	2004.09.30 21.16 THIEF HOLY SHIT ON A STICK! I have become a thief! Me, Sarah and Auntie where at H-E-B getting stuff for dinner, and they had these bread rolls and mufifns in a container thing with no roof (think shelf). Well, I was really really hungry...and nobody was looking...and...and...I TOOK A BREAD ROLL! I hid it in my purse and Sarah's was cracking up. I split it with her and we were eating it up and down the isles. Then we decided to take another, since we were still hungry. So we go back...and I'm trying to act cool. This time, I grab a muffin...sniff it...and put it in my purse! IT WAS SO CRAZY! BUT IT DOESN'T STOP THERE! Me and Sarah went to college night. It was cool. Anyways, on the way back to the car we see a random traffic cone on the curb. We joke around about taking it and whatever. Well, when we get to the car she says, "I dare you to go steal it for me". After much debating I cave and say "...pop the trunk". I take of across the street, and GRAB IT! AAAAnd some fat kid saw me do it. I threw it in the back of the 'burban...and there it is. CRAZY! Oh oh oh, I think I got a job too! Sarah helped me fill out an application at Mervyn's, and Monica put in good words for me. I'll know by tomorrow or the day after. FINGERS CROSSED! PRAY FOR ME! Thats it for now. Great day...more ahead! ~Chris~ Mood: crazy Music: RHCP - My Friends



	2004.09.29 16.57 writing after it hits Steve is dating Monica. So, what else happened today? I wore my super awesome pink pumps that I got for FREE at Payless. They are so freakin sweet. I got tons of compliments. I dunno if it made it worth the pain though. lol. Those things hurt like a mofo. Anywho, tomorrow should be even cooler, cuz I bought a really cute skirt. District is coming up QUICK! Saturday to be exact. I absolutely can't wait. I live for this. Bryce says he is confident in me, and that I am exactly where I should be...whatever that means! JK! Yaaaaay, I am so excited. I love love love singing and competing. WOOO! Ok, lets cut the crap. If you all are wondering why I mentioned what Steve had to tell me, and then completely failed to elaborte, it is because I feel that that is all of my attention it deserves. It hurt for 4 minutes. 4. Realizing that the only reason he was at my house was to get his last bit...that kinda sucked. Having everything I have just started to feel be blown out the window...that sucked too. But then I though...."Eh, fuck it." Aaaanyways, moving on, Crystal got in a "big huge fight" with her Mom!! AND SHE KICKED HER OUT OF THE HOUSE! LMFAO! Oh man. Crystal pretty much told her that we were all annoyed with her at the car wash (way to go blaming us) and Crystal's mom FREAKED. I still think its funny. We made fun of her, but that's just what we do. Wynn Seale concert is coming up too. I know this cuz we are singing on the risers, and that means "prepare thineselves"! Bryce split up the altos though! What a crock o' shit! I just shot Sofa longing looks of...well...longing. LOL! So, the choir is sounding pretty good. Suprised by the boys everday, and dissapointed by the newbie altos. SING DAMMIT! ITS CHOIR! Lol. What eeeelse? I figured out a shirt idea for Speech class! It's gonna be 4 pictures on the front...Martin Luther King, Jr., Cesar Chaves, Che Guevarra, and the Ray Texan Mascot. On the back it's gonna say HELP FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHTS Eh? EEEEH? What do you think. Lemme know so I can change it oR whatever. That is all. Life is so good right now. I painted a picture today that said "We Shall Overcome". It helped me get over the Steven bullshit. Bryce let me put it up in the choir room, and I heard people saying it all day. WE SHALL OVERCOME. The hard times, the wars, the bullshit, the pain, the suffering, the nasty food, EVERYTHING. "you go girl" ~Chris~ Mood: bouncy Music: "Taaam-bourica TAM-BO-RI-CA dancing IN the moooonlight"



	2004.09.29 09.51 writing before it hits I got the classic "I need to talk to you" yesterday from Steve. More as this develops. I will not let myself be sad, no matter what it is. ~Chris~ Mood: anxious Music: Ben talking..."Lacrosse"



	2004.09.27 18.23 mind pollution I can still feel Steven next to me when I sleep. My mind plays tricks on me in the early hours of the day. I choose not to argue. He is everywhere now, and it's crazy. He fills the air I breathe like cologne-soaked wind, or sweet, poisonous pollution. And I miss it. That, euphoric state that I'm in around him. That comatose high he gives me. I only ever feel right with him. When we were lying in bed, we instantly slid and locked into place. The way his arms fit perfectly around my waist. The way my arms fit perfectly around his neck. The way it seems our lips were created soley for eachother. Is this a phase? Is this just another lapse? Or is this all coming back? The girl falling for the guy. All over again. "I wake up feeling lost without you And the pain reminds me that i'm all alone Those dreams we had, are now a nightmare I feel just like a dog without a bone Now is now and then was then But i can't get used to being without you It's a brand-new start and now i know that i should've But i never ever thought i'd miss your eyes "say" here we go again All i need is you tonight Why don't you call All i need is you tonight To catch my fall I'd die for you over and over again But i guess you've heard it all before You say times have changed, changed your ways But your absence makes me need you more and more All i need is you tonight Why don't you call All i need is you tonight To catch my fall All i need is you tonight Why don't you call All i need is you tonight To catch my fall- that's all All i need is you tonight... ~Chris~ Songs Cited Udo - Catch My Fall Mood: restless Music: Udo - Catch My Fall



	2004.09.26 14.35 safety and love Everything I do is for a reason. Everything I do is for a different reason then somebody else though. But that's just me. I do things differently. I work in mysterious ways. After the whole fiasco with the homeless dude, I called Steven. Not sure why. We haven't been talking lately. But I told him the whole story, and he started to cry. He said he was so worried, because he could have lost me. That anything could have happened, and he wan't there to protect me. In less then a minute, I got the old him back. And all I could do was apologize for everything, and tell him not to be mad at me. And all is ok now. That whole thing scared him into the realization that I'm mortal. That I'm not always going to be there for him to fall back on. That I can die, or walk out, or move away. And he was so shaken up by everything that he came over to see me, and brought McDonald's. I couldn't sleep, so he stayed the night with me until I fell asleep. And I was lying there in his arms, and I could feel his heart beating, and I could hear him breathing next to me...and it was as if he had been there with me every night. And it felt so right. It felt so perfect. I felt all over safety and all over love. My friend questioned her relationship, asking if she was with her boyfriend because she loves him, or out of habit. My other friend spoke of her ex-boyfrined, wondering if she was always attracted to him, or if the feelings were only there because they were her "norm". I wonder the same things sometimes. And yes, since I know you are all wondering, we did mess around...and we did think about actual sex. But we know better. And the physical thing was a tac-on. The main event was just lying there. Cuddling in the dark, and laughing about everything under the sun. Realizing that we could probably never fall asleep with eachother, since we both talk so damn much. He held me, and it was the greatest feeling in the world. ~Chris~ Mood: calm



	2004.09.23 10.31 the stuff in the box Ok ok...so the flu is wearing off. Finally got the voice back. Well, sort of. I practiced last night...and it was brutal. It hurt like a MOTHER! lol. But, practice makes acceptable. I have district next Saturday. DUM DUM DUM. Only problem is I'm failing Pre-Cal, and I don't know if he's gonna pass me. I have to be passing by next friday. OHHH LORD HELP ME! What else? I'm just here, being bored. Steve is still pissed, but I'm not well enough to focus on that. It's raining outside, and that kinda makes everything that much grayer. I was wondering the other day if he threw away all my stuff. He has a tin box with notes and stuff...wonder if its still there. Oh oh oh...speaking of which...I need to buy a box with a lock on it...cuz I feel the need to upgrade my special box. I wonder why I never threw certain things away. I just can't bring myself to throw away the memories. Sad sad sad. I have this one note he wrote me..."The Note"...and you know what? I probably read it every day. The words start to run together after awhile. I know it all by heart, but I keep reading it like I'm gonna see something new. Everytime I read it the feelings change though. It's crazy. 3 pages of notebook paper are all I have left. You know, I still have the jeans I wore when we met. I refuse to sell them. 1 pair of old jeans is all I have left. Crazy. All the toys and the coloring books and the candy wrappers and the shirts. Crazy. ~Chris~ Mood: cold Music: Coldplay - Spies



	2004.09.20 19.12 Ms. Fix It So I want to get on with my life already, but the only thing preventing me from doing that is Steven being mad at me. I just cannot ignore hate. So I needed to confirm if he was still pissed or not. I go to his locker and remember my voice is out. So I just mouth the words "are you still mad at me?". He says yes. That could have been it. That should have been it....but he had to take it further. "Fix what you did" Every single cell in my body rose to 200°, and if I wasn't so weak from all the Tylonol Flu I probably would have punched him. Who the FUCK does he think he is saying that to me? He has no right. He will NEVER earn the right to say that to me. I was filled with such pain and such anger that I couldn't take it. After all the times he fucked me over, I never ONCE told him to "fix it". And it hurts so bad that he blows my little mistakes out of proportion, and yet manages to shrink his down to non-existance. And how the hell do I "fix" it? I leaked information! How do you fix that? Tell everybody it wasn't true? Tell them all I was on crack when I said it? Apologize? Can't be that...I already fucking did that. I think I'll try and fix this. And after I fix his life...he's gonna have to stay the fuck out of mine. ~Chris~ Mood: frustrated Music: Three Days Grace - Just Like You



	2004.09.18 23.48 Homecoming So the Homecoming game last night was rad. We kicked Larado Alexander's ass 21-0. Tim was freaking great! Made our first touchdown of the game for one, and it was GLORIOUS! The Homecoming dance was tonight. I went of course, but felt terribly sick 45 minutes into it, so I'm skipping the after party. No, but, the dance was SO MUCH FUN! I danced with my friends, and realized just how great they are. I dance with Andrew and was amazed at him being able to get "low". I dance with Ruben, and remembered how perfect I feel when I'm in his arms. I saw everybody there and had the greatest time. It would have been better if I wasn't so damn sick, but I enjoyed it to the best of my ability. I stole all sorts of shit! A monkey, a light pink cloth, a paper pineapple, a big pink straw hat, flip flops, tons of little flowers...amongst other things. Too much fun. I needed that. I needed that energy. I really needed those people. Thank you all for being so fucking cool, and helping me forget the problems, and allowing me to just live in the moment. GO TEXANS! ~Chris~ Mood: happy Music: the music from the dance that lingers in my head



	2004.09.16 10.30 from all angles Ok, so I am here in Ad. Design, staring at pastels that I can't work with. Trying to turn some sort of bristol stock into a pretty picture. Ben is staring over my shoulder, putting chalk on my jeans. Just an FYI. Anyways, to address the problem at hand. Everything I see is you...and it is driving me crazy. You are everywhere. Why? Only God knows. I seemed to have fucked up Steven's life. I broke his trust and ruined everything. I say "seem" because he's taking this really badly. And, now I know it's a big deal to him, so I feel even worse. Were I not falling for him again I wouldn't give a rats ass about any of this. And so now we know. Damn I feel so weird. I have so much stuff coming at me from all angles. Him coming at me from all angles. And I am tired of hiding from my feelings. I just wish he would stop hiding from his. I hid behind my eyes. It sounds weird, but you should get it. And so now I know where I lie when it comes to him...and I can finally see. See from all angles. Weird entry....sorry dudes. Weird mood....sorry dudes. ~Chris~ Mood: weird Music: me and Ben screaming "NOT MY RIIIICHIE" w. flute music



	2004.09.13 20.28 hooooly crap I was pulled over by the cops today. But I can't elaborate now. Sorry...more later. ~Chris~

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