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[01 Dec 2008|10:56am] |
Well, I got kicked out of my house. Well..I choose to leave, but really, my mom didn't want me there anymore. So yeah I was in the wrong for not coming home on Friday to vacuum. But she said the most horrid and hateful things to me. My suspicions on how i thought everyone felt like even feeding me was a chore, well those suspicions are now proven to be fact. I feel like I am very respectful toward my mother. I do not talk back unless i am questioned and feel like I'm not going to get screamed at when I open my mouth. Nor do I raise my voice at her, ever. Yet I do not get the same respect back. I still get spoken to like I'm twelve years old, and I'm not allowed to say how i feel. I don't understand what all that therapy was for then. I only went there because I couldn't express my feelings, and that's how i got to be in such a horrible state before. If nothing was going to change later on, they should have just let me slash my wrists back then.
But, so many things were said, I wish I had not been born. I feel like I was just an accident when I was conceived. And, well, obviously my dad didn't really want me or else he wouldn't have just walked out of my life like that. Now from what happened I'm quite certain my mother didn't want two kids. If it was going to be too much of a chore to feed me and keep a roof over my head, then why have me? When you have kids, you're expected to do that. And well, I know that I would always love my child and do whatever i could for them.
I have not asked for a penny out of this woman. I did not get myself in debt. I don't have the luxury of having my own car. I don't ask for new clothes or any products. If I actually want something I go out and get it myself. Shoot, you don't even have to feed me. If it's that much of an issue I can take care of myself. And since keeping a roof over my head was too much of an issue, the only solution to that was to leave.
Now we come towards the statement that if I want to be treated like an adult I need to be responsible like one. To tell you the truth I think I am a very responsible person. My only fault is that I'm a bit lazy on house work. Yet house work should work both ways. But for right now back to the responsibility. I was the one that made sure I graduated high school, I was responsible enough to pick up the classes I needed in order to graduate on time. I worked harder than most seniors have to in order to do this. Instead of taking the only opportunity my family gave me afterward, which was, you better get a minimum wage job and deal with that the rest of your life, I found my own way to go to college. No one, but the money I've gotten myself has gone towards my college. If anything, I think this is the most responsible thing anyone could ever do. Though you probably don't agree now, since your money hungry self isn't seeing any green. I can assure you that I will make double, perhaps even triple, than what I would make with what I've done, rather than taking the only path you opened for me.
As a mother you should want to open opportunities for your child. You should not just lead them to one path and expect them to take it when they know there's many other things out there better for them. You can not expect your child to do great things alone, they can only do so much on their own.
Yet most of all you need to open your eyes and realize that your child grows up. Even if you missed opening the opportunities for them. You need to realize that you're not the only person in this world that has to deal with stress. I know with the economy crashing life can be stressful right now. But you do not know the stress of having to rely completely on other people to drive you around constantly. You do not know the stress of having to keep up good grades in order for your finical aid to keep paying for your schooling. You do not know what it's like to constantly be in the middle of a family feud that never seems to stop between you to. You do not know the stress of when the only person who has never left or walked out on you, acts like they're dying. I may not know what the stresses of going to work full time and having to pay bills. But you cannot act like you're the only person in this world that suffers.
If you do not open your eyes and realize these things, then yes, you may have very well lost the last person in your life who would have stuck with you through thick and thin if only they were treated like they were on the same level as you. If your eyes stay shut to these things you can only expect to stay the lonely miserable person that you unleash on me when you're stressed, but stuck in that form for the rest of your life. If that's the case you need to do some growing up and maturing as a mother. Perhaps from what I've done I'll probably get taken off being a beneficiary on the house and your money, and you'll do to me what you did to my sister. In your nineteen years of raising me you should have learned that I am not materialistic, and these threats will not bother me. Money can always be gained back in some form.
I am not trying to say that I wasn't in the wrong. Yes I should have came home on Friday and stopped being stubborn and vacuumed for you. Yes I should have told you were I was going before you went to sleep. I am not blaming you for everything. Though you need to do the same thing with me. Issues with people work both ways. If you want to fix anything you can not do so by raising your voice and cut the other person off when they're trying to express what they're feeling. You need to express how you feel in a calm manner and give the other person the same opportunity. If this can not be reached, Well then yes, you have just created an environment which in unstable for two people to live in.
I still can't come to myself to think that this may very well be permanent. Just know that I will not be calling you, for as I know I am not wanted to be heard. Or that's what you've given the impression of. Even if I am in the wrong, you still need to talk to me like I'm a living, breathing person. And not a pile of shit you dragged in on your shoe. You need to understand that the only way to keep a healthy relationship is to communicate. Being said, I myself am not good at this ether. Though time usually fixes everything. Sometimes it's nice to get some space. If you're having such a hard time feeding me, and don't want that anymore, then let me know. I can start buying my own food. If I don't get yelled at for doing my own laundry, then I can do that too. (You'd actually be surprised how many things I'm scared to do in what was my home, due to the fact of being in trouble in some sort.)
So Just know that I'm open to talk, if I will actually be heard. I am willing to listen, if I am not screamed at. I am willing to clean when i am asked to, if you can just do the little things to pick up after yourself. I do not feel I am expected to pick up all of your messes, I did not adopt a fifty year old. I will vacuum and dust quite happily. As long as the floors are able to be vacuumed. So just know I'm sitting here, waiting for your phone call if you decide to call me, and I'm willing to pick it up if you've come to realize a few things.
If you decide to not call me. I will live with that. I will move on. You've already taught me a lot. Not calling me will teach me more. You will teach me what a cold, and dark place the world really is. You will show be it's quite possible for both parents to turn their back on their offspring. Just know that I will be successful in this world. I will accomplish many amazing things, even if you're not there to support me. I thank you for all that you did for me in the past and if that's all the help I receive then so be it, then you can not expect to receive any help in return.
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accomplished
nervous