Blurty for jen.

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Thursday, February 27th, 2003

Time:1:38 pm.
Mood:i suck i suck i suck.
Music:havalina [the twirpentines].
it's one oh eight and i really should be in school, but upon opening my eyes to the glaring sunlight that was really just the light above my bed, i decided i would rather feign a sinus headache that was actually quite real, but entirely bareable. so, here i am. trying to write a ten minute speech about free trade & fair trade & regulated trade. except i can't open my reasearch up because the computer hates me & comes up with all these errors when i try open one simple thing. die die die. starting at square one less than twentyfour hours before the paper/speech is due. nice. and it's not like i can bullshit my way through the speech, because we need a written copy. ho hum. and here i am, wasting away instead of actually working on the damned thing. i really don't even like school anymore. i never was one of those kids that always groaned about how much they hated school & learning, but i find myself more and more not wanting to go. it used to just be because of the people there; but now there's more. i really just don't like it. i want to know things, but i don't want to learn them. and i get distracted easily. and can spend, literally, hours staring at something, entirely catatonic with not indication of even being alive or making any effort towards motion.

spent sixty-three dollars, virtually. oh the powers of online ordering. recieved my order today. oh, happiness from material possessions. or maybe not.

random ear bleedage in spanish yesterday. quite the amusement. though, i was ready to kill the next person who said "look, it's snowing". RIGHT, because that so hasn't been happening for the past HOUR. oy vey. and we got out an hour early. and i have to work today. even though i'm supposed to have off. hey, maybe i can actually get some work done there. sure. that'll definitely happen. i'm supposed to be halfway done my book by monday. it's six-hundred-and-some pages long. and i'm on page thirty. and the forward was twenty-five pages. i spend more time calculating how far along i am [one fiftieth, by the way] than actually reading.

augh. and somehow. have to figure out. how to get a bunch of people to new york city. and pittsburgh. need license. not until march 23rd, at the earliest. i'm sure my parents wouldn't mind me driving for five hours straight a week after being licensed. no, of course not. especially since i don't even used my side mirrors & cannot get ON the highway via those stupid stupid ramps. ack.

i only update to procrastinate, that's bad.
Comments: 2 - catch me if i fall?.

Tuesday, February 18th, 2003

Time:1:55 am.
Mood:blissful.
Music:you've got so far to go [alkaline trio].
everything seems like it just fits. i can remember times in the past & laughing hysterically to the point of feeling like i would explode & i can remember crying until i felt like i was imploding. and i can do this, and i can remember this and it's okay. and i'm not angry or whimsical. it's just another chapter of life that i can put away and still look back on. it's not sore & it doesn't make my heart ache to think of it. and i feel so complete right now that i could write a novel, or fly. and not just in reference to prior mentioned situations, but in aspects of life in general. because i'm a good person, and i know good people. and experiencing life & livingbreathingspinninglaughing is enough to make me want to never stop smiling.

you know, and it's okay for me to be immature & bursting in volume at times and then becoming introspective & serious; i'm allowed to have two (or three or four or seventeen) sides to my personality. that's okay. the world needs to learn that. because i'm tired of people acting like i'm either in some uber-elitest genre of people that can't have a good time or an immature brat that can't think beyond the sphere of the land of random. life is not an either/or experience, you can be more than one thing at once.

snow allows for another day off tomorrow. this provides even more time for jen to not do her statistics problems. argh. and as pretty as snow may be to look at or dance through or think about as you curl up by the fireplace, twenty-eight inches of it is just not good in any way, shape, or form.
Comments: 2 - catch me if i fall?.

Monday, February 17th, 2003

Time:1:01 am.
Mood:okay.
Music:look what happened [less than jake].
i really do need to move on. beyond this & close it all up. it's like my life is a horrible book series & i'm stuck somewhere between the fourth & fifth novels. i'm through with the fourth one and it's all done & written and i keep trying to start the fifth but i'm faltering because part of my head ((or is it my heart?)) is still stuck back in that fourth novel. i keep telling myself to let go & i keep saying that if i really wanted to, i could totally disassociate myself. but maybe i'm fooling myself & maybe i really can't let go. maybe it's like my procrastination, where i tell myself i can not put things off to the last minute if i really wanted to, but i really can't. that might be what i'm most scared of in my life. not dealing with procrastination, of course, but the concept of being able to convince myself of something so completely & it really not being true. it reminds me of that Sarte play Dirty Hands where the poltician tells [iforgethisname] that he would never be able to be an assassin, because he's too much of an intellectual & would always have the backthought of what if he was right?. i keep doubting what i'm sure of because i really can't be sure of anything. does that even make sense? lord.

i had a really nice day & am really happy. or maybe i'm not happy, but i at least enjoyed myself. there's supposed to be thirty inches of snow by the time the precipitation is over & i can't say that this is something i'm elated to hear. i have questions to answer about the dynasties of China and then fifty per cent of my statistics problems to do, but i'm feeling less to up to it and instead torment myself with thoughts & writings of the past. i let go once & then reattached myself. and here we are. back at the beginning. in the sense of this entry & in the sense of everything as a whole.

i need to brush my teeth.
Comments: catch me if i fall?.

Sunday, February 16th, 2003

Time:1:38 pm.
Mood:itchy & un poco enferma.
Music:just like heaven [the cure].
i'm really not all about this snow. because, really, winter should be over & snow should stop messing up my plans. nine inches and counting; ten dollars on not going to baltimore tonight. listen to me grumble, oh my.

i've claimed this old typewriter in my sister's room as my own & have relocated it to the hardwood floor of my room, alongside the burning burning heater. there's no ink ribbon & the paper doesn't feed correctly, but that isn't going to stop me from clickclickclicking away. graphite over imprinted typecasting is just as effective as actual ink. and scrolling the paper and moving it around by hand provides for a much more interesting array of letters, words, & sentences.

i must say that i am thoroughly impressed by the number of people & demonstrations in various cities, yesterday. and i wonder if it will really matter. i would like to think it would; and that there's no way Bush can go to war with this much opposition, but my hopes on that are dwindling. because, really, as much as this war has been built up, how in the hell could he back down now? there's not a chance that he could just step down without looking like a horrible idiot, moreso than he does already. and then you have the whole concept of him wanting to 'make his mark on history'. he pretty much knows he will not gain re-election, so why not go out with a bang? and why not help out his oil buddies in the process? don't get me wrong, i don't in the least think anyone should give up on their beliefs & staunchly think that the protests should continue, especially since they're gaining support day by day. because, regardless if the administration listens or if they do as they please, at least we know & will be able to say that it was a war that we didn't support and that's something right there. plus, still have holdout faith that the administration will have enough sense to realize how devastating the war will be, in terms of so many things.

political rantings in the first entry & it doesn't get any better than this.
Comments: 1 - catch me if i fall?.

Blurty for jen.

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