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Wednesday, June 20th, 2007

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    so, I think my facade is holding up pretty good. I had a weak point around five o'clock where I broke down and cried but no one was around and I was in my room so I think that's okay. But, a half hour ago, my mom asked me if I was cutting myself again. I said no, which is a lie because I did last night, but she seemed to believe me. she says her and my step dad only want what's best for me, and maybe that's true on some levels, but they keep asking me to lend them money and they don't pay it back and I have enough financial troubles as is. Anyways, the cutting things worked out pretty good because I couldn't find a knife last night so I used a safety pin and just dug in and scraped across. I made twenty one scratches so today whenever I was tempted I just pressed my hand against it or scratched at it and it would become all irritated and hurt again which was a good feeling.

    I know I said I quit at guys, but apparently I suck at that. There's this guy from my work, A. and he's funny and nice to me and polite and kind of strange. Actually my boss joked that he was the male version of me because he's the same kind of weird. probably nothing will happen, but its nice to like someone that isn't married for a change. I really hope that I can fix everthing in my life, it's just so hard and so much easier to pretend that I'm happy and okay than to actually be it...

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