Hey lush, have fun, it's the weekend
My friends think that when I'm done my two month detoxing I should give up drinking all together. One of them (i'll call her M.) asked me why i like to drink, and here is what I told her:
i'm the one that makes me feel bad about myself because I second guess everything i say, i have conversations in my head because i'm too afraid to say shit out lout. I put on the facade for everyone and when i'm drunk, i feel like its okay to be me, like its an excuse for who i am
her reply: just say what ever you want to, if people don't like it it's their problem and not yours
mine: i try that, i'm getting better about it, but then i'll get home and it's night time and everything's quiet and all i can think about is all the things I shouldn't have said. i don't drink when i'm depressed or angry or anything. I drink when I'm happy. So that i dont over think being happy and remember all the reasons why i shouldnt be happy. because i shouldnt, i really shouldnt be happy. I don't need to drink, its not some necessity i have, it's just preferable to my other options.
I didn't tell her what my other options could be.
They make my drinking sound so bad, really it was just my body reacting badly from E.'s friend slipping me and a bunch of us roofies as a joke. I had to get my stomach pumped. that's what started it all, then i got mono from E. because he's a stupid cheating bastard. and then I drank too much tequila, and I wasn't healthy anyway because I hadn't eaten meat for five years. All of it adds up to make a bad situation, but I dumped E. so I won't get sick from him anymore and his friends can't slip me drugs, and i'll be healthier because not only do I eat meat again, but I'm also taking six different kinds of vitamins a day. Plus, I'm giving m y body two months to detox and cleanse itself. I only really need to take 28 days, but I took two months just to be sure. Plus, it's not like I'm going to be out drinking like crazy every night like I was before. While I was dating E., I spent one to two hundred dollars a night on my drinks and they were only three bucks a piece. This was on top of being a full time university student and working full time at a deli. And I really mean every night. On Sundays we'd go to a friends house for drinking and other than that we'd go to the bars.I was so caught up in drinking away the problems in my life I was causing more. I am so broke right now it's pathetic. But I'm home, I'm out of that atmosphere and I'm away from him-- I don't have any reason to be like that...well I do, but you aren't privy to all the details of my life just yet.