my playlist to the self mutilators of the world... particularily cutters:
1. Hurt - nine inch nails
2. with this knife - smile empty soul
3. feeling small - mariana's trench
4. remember - disturbed
5. send the pain below - chevelle
6. breaking the habit - linkin park
7. numb - linkin park
8. Clumsy - our lady peace
9. Scars - papa roach
10. sicker things - marianas trench
11. Say anything - marianas trench
12. Pain - three days grace
13. box full of sharp objects - the used
14. black dresses - senses fail
15. beyond redemption - HIM
16. bother - stone sour
17. cut up angel - the used
18. If you can't leave it be might as well make it bleed - dashboard confessional
19. last resort - papa roach
20. your song - jamison parker
thats all i can think of off the top of my head, im sure I'll add to it eventually

So M. ...lets call her Sue because then, you'll never figure it out, and A. lets call him Hareton for the same reason... went out with me tonight. We went swimming then to the park and then McFlurries. We ended up talking in the parking lot and even though I told my mom that I didn't know when I'd be home and thatI had my key and phone and I don't have a curfew...she yelled at me when I came home at eleven thirty. she yelled about how big of a failure I was how I always screw things up and all the problems in her life are my fault... earlier today, I found one of the utility knives I used to cut myself with and just moments ago did a real number on my upper thigh...high enough so that they wont be seen when I wear my swim suit shorts. It calmed me down enough to be able to write this all down. It's killing me...like, I know that this is probably preferrable to a crazy scary stalker- but not by much. Now instead of being afraid of what someone else might do to me, I'm worried about what I'll do to me. I get that its noot her fault, I'm not blaming her. I have a disease..I have dysthymia depression, and I have an addiction, the self mutilation. These are my problems and my fault... I just wish she'd at least make a bit of an effort show that she at least understands the potential severity. I really thought she was getting better. I thought I was. Its just that I blame myself for all my problems, and I blame myself for most everything else...I just wish she wouldn't tell me again and again that I'm wrong and at fault when I'm not. I hope I can get everything straightened out so that I can live on my own again..maybe I'll jsut stay in town so that I can visit often enough that I don't start seeing my house through rose coloured glasses (a.k.a. without flaws). Well, gonna try to sleep cuz I have to be up bright and early to walk to work for seven because my mom said she's not driving me now.

we went out for ice cream after work tonight: me m. a. and another guy I work with Z. we went for ice cream and then swimming in the St. CLair River. And I don't think that A. likes me as anything more than a friend, so I'm just gonna back off that because what's the point? besides, I'm going out to the bars with my sister and her friends ( cuz I don't have any of my own). This is my opportunity that I've been waiting for to just go randomly hook up with a guy...at least make out with or dance with one I hope. I've been listening to this song by the weakerthans a lot lately...Left and Leaving. I feel exactly what that songs talks about...its me all over.

so, I think my facade is holding up pretty good. I had a weak point around five o'clock where I broke down and cried but no one was around and I was in my room so I think that's okay. But, a half hour ago, my mom asked me if I was cutting myself again. I said no, which is a lie because I did last night, but she seemed to believe me. she says her and my step dad only want what's best for me, and maybe that's true on some levels, but they keep asking me to lend them money and they don't pay it back and I have enough financial troubles as is. Anyways, the cutting things worked out pretty good because I couldn't find a knife last night so I used a safety pin and just dug in and scraped across. I made twenty one scratches so today whenever I was tempted I just pressed my hand against it or scratched at it and it would become all irritated and hurt again which was a good feeling.

I know I said I quit at guys, but apparently I suck at that. There's this guy from my work, A. and he's funny and nice to me and polite and kind of strange. Actually my boss joked that he was the male version of me because he's the same kind of weird. probably nothing will happen, but its nice to like someone that isn't married for a change. I really hope that I can fix everthing in my life, it's just so hard and so much easier to pretend that I'm happy and okay than to actually be it...

so, since coming back to town i don't really have many friends. one that I've stayed close with is M. she's a night manager at my work. And today she told me that she and I aren't going to be working together anymore. when I asked her why she said it was because no one else listens to her because i don't. the funny thing about that is I'm the only one that stands up for her and explains why she tells us to go over all our aisles to make sure they are properly cleaned, I'm the one that stops them when they're bad-mouthing her. And now she's hinted at the fact that "my attitude" toward her means I might not get the promotion that my boss talked to me about already. I'm really hurt about this. she said that when she asks me to do things, i say no, but neither of us could remember a single time when that's happened. And she can't point out one time when I didn't get all of my work done. I guess what makes me the most upset is that she didn't try to talk with me about any of this, she just waited until I wasn't around and talked to our boss. so now my boss thinks I'm a slacker and rude and undeserving, and I'm not really sure what my friend thinks. But, you know what? I'm just going to have to work harder. I'll workharder and be better and be perfect and then no one will want to complain about me and no one will think anything badly about me and eventually I'll be happy again? I guess it doesn't really matter if i'm happy; I've made it this far right? and besides, I'm so good at faking it these days that my mom even thinks that I'm fine.I just really have to be perfect and then things will be okay. I wish I didn't always screw things up, and I don't even know what I did. I thought I was being a good worker and a good friend and now apparently, I haven't been either. So I'll just have to try harder.

He called me. I was having a really good day at work. on my break I even deleted his number from my cell phone. It was almost the end of my shift and my phone rang and i hit talk and it was his friend Matt. I tried to be polite to him. I hung up, and then E. called. He called me a stupid slut, a bitch and said I was an idiot if I though I could get away from him that easily. I hung up. he called back two more times and I didn't answer. His number is once again saved in cell phone.

I guess he was right, I can't get away from him that easily, because I am terrified of him and think about him constantly, what he's capable, what he's done, what he's said... and I dream about him; what he's done, what he might do... He rules my life.

He knows where I live, because I wanted him to meet my parents. What is there to stop him from hopping on the train and coming here and coming after me? I wouldn't put it past him because for a week straight, he walked four hours across town just to wait outside of my work and follow me home which was another hour away. He knows where I live and I'm constantly working late and everyone is asleep when I get home.

I was actually starting to get cocky about him. being cynically and calling him names. He was starting to lose that power he had over me. And now he has it all back and more because it scares me how easily he can have power over me, even from a three hour drive away.

My friends think that when I'm done my two month detoxing I should give up drinking all together. One of them (i'll call her M.) asked me why i like to drink, and here is what I told her:
i'm the one that makes me feel bad about myself because I second guess everything i say, i have conversations in my head because i'm too afraid to say shit out lout. I put on the facade for everyone and when i'm drunk, i feel like its okay to be me, like its an excuse for who i am
her reply: just say what ever you want to, if people don't like it it's their problem and not yours
mine: i try that, i'm getting better about it, but then i'll get home and it's night time and everything's quiet and all i can think about is all the things I shouldn't have said. i don't drink when i'm depressed or angry or anything. I drink when I'm happy. So that i dont over think being happy and remember all the reasons why i shouldnt be happy. because i shouldnt, i really shouldnt be happy. I don't need to drink, its not some necessity i have, it's just preferable to my other options.

I didn't tell her what my other options could be.
They make my drinking sound so bad, really it was just my body reacting badly from E.'s friend slipping me and a bunch of us roofies as a joke. I had to get my stomach pumped. that's what started it all, then i got mono from E. because he's a stupid cheating bastard. and then I drank too much tequila, and I wasn't healthy anyway because I hadn't eaten meat for five years. All of it adds up to make a bad situation, but I dumped E. so I won't get sick from him anymore and his friends can't slip me drugs, and i'll be healthier because not only do I eat meat again, but I'm also taking six different kinds of vitamins a day. Plus, I'm giving m y body two months to detox and cleanse itself. I only really need to take 28 days, but I took two months just to be sure. Plus, it's not like I'm going to be out drinking like crazy every night like I was before. While I was dating E., I spent one to two hundred dollars a night on my drinks and they were only three bucks a piece. This was on top of being a full time university student and working full time at a deli. And I really mean every night. On Sundays we'd go to a friends house for drinking and other than that we'd go to the bars.I was so caught up in drinking away the problems in my life I was causing more. I am so broke right now it's pathetic. But I'm home, I'm out of that atmosphere and I'm away from him-- I don't have any reason to be like that...well I do, but you aren't privy to all the details of my life just yet.

I actually had a day off of work today. I know it's lame, but I hate when I'm not at work. Its not like I'm the world's hardest worker-- I'm not. I make sure all my work gets done and I help anyone that needs help, and I make sure I'm done on time. But my work is my happy place. It was before I left for university and I'm glad I'm back, my boss is like a second mom and all the other key-holders (night managers) are like sisters. Truth be told, I sometimes wish that they were my family. It makes me feel shitty and guilty though. My mom has had a horrible life and like me she sucks with relationships. Me and her are a lot alike which is probably my problem with her because it forces me to see my faults.

Anyway, that was some nice venting. My playlist today:

1. Dance Floor Anthem by Good Charlotte
2. Everything to Everyone by Everclear
3. Smile by Lily Allen
4. Push by Matchbox Tewnty
5. Solitary Man by HIM
6. I Want My Life by Smile Empty Soul
7. Don't Bother by Shakira
8. Mr Self Destruct by Nine Inch Nails
9. Still Fighting It by Ben Folds Five
10. Trouble Breathing by Alkaline Trio
11. Never Again by Kelly Clarkson
12. Escape From Hellview by CKY
13. Feeling Small by Marianas Trench

When I was little, I had insomnia really bad...now I manage to catch 2 to 4 hours a night which is not too bad I guess. I don't know the relevance, but I suppose it doesn't really matter.

Remember my last boyfriend? I'm going to call him E. for clarification purposes. I wish I could send him a mixtape. That's what I do, instead of telling people how I feel, I make mixtapes, but I never give them to the people, I just listen to them. Anyway, this is what his mixtape would be:

1. Mixtape by Brand New (just because it should be the first song of any mixtape)
2. Fall by Something Corporate
3. I Hope You Die by the Bloodhound Gang
4. Good Fucking Bye by Alkaline Trio
5. Rootless by Damien Rice
6. Hate by the Plain White Tees
7. Behind these Hazel Eyes - Kelly Clarkson
8. Never Again - Kelly Clarkson
9. you Oughta Know by Alanis Morisette
10. Seventy time Seven by Brand New
11. I Will Survive by Cake ( I like the cover better)
12. Obvious by Blink 182
13. Don't Bother - Shakira
14. Fuck it and Fuck You Right Back by Eamon vs.Frankee
15. Platypus (I hate you) by Green Day
16. When You Were Young by the Killers
17. I Don't Love You by My Chemical Romance

That's eough for him I think...there's probably more, that's just all I can think of... I really hate him, I didn't even think you could come to loathe someone so much and so deeply as that. He's definately the biggest regret of my life.

If there's anyone actually reading this, you should read my profile first, it gives my current situation. I don't really know what to say, or if it really matters. when i was little, I was never the popular kid, we moved around a lot because when my dad left my mom for the seventeen year old babysitter, we were pretty poor so I was always the new kid. By the time I was in grade seven, I was adaptable- I could observe people, see what type of a person they were looking for and be that person. I know it makes me sound shallow, but it was my only way to try to cover up how lonely I was feeling. By grade nine I became the trendsetter at school. I always knew the great bands and movies and shows, I always had the perfect little touches to my unifor and interesting hair styles. I wasn't really interested in guys, but I dated anyway. Grade nine is when I started dating my English teacher. we never had sex...just other stuff. Because he was a teacher and I was a student, technically I wasn't his girlfriend and he told me I should still date other teens so that no one would suspect anything-- so I did. I dated this guy from my Junior Achievements business group. the second week we were dating, he invited me to his friend's house to watch American Pie Two. He raped me. That's how I lost my virginity: in some guy's basement, with his friend pinning my arms down while he raped me, with the friend's girlfriend sitting on the other couch turning her atttentions from me to the t.v.. After him, I dated this guy that hit me. He wasn't so bad, I was kind of used to it because my dad and step mom beat me. my mom and my step dad have knocked me around on occaission but I strongly believe I always asked for it. Anyway, my dating experiences were pretty much like those until I left for university. There, I started dating my English prof. we dated for almost a month before I found out he was married. I never slept with him, but I made out with him a few more times before I stopped things. After that, I think I got really reckless. I didn't start sleeping around or anything, I would just go to dance clubs a couple nights a week and make out with guys and dance real dirty and I always dressed boderline scandalous. then, a girl from my work introduced me to this guy friend of hers. I was really drunk, so as usual, we made out. I saw him again at a bar two days later. The bar was across the street from my dorm, so I invited him back to use my phone to call a cab. He misinterpreted and wanted to have sex. I really didn't want to, given my past experience, I've never really been interested in sex or anything, but I was so far gone that at that point I figured it didn't matter because I try to make other people happy and that's what makes guys happy. So I slept with him. I was assuming it would be a one night stand, but he must have liked me. he showed up at my work that night. I must say, he looked better when I was drunk. He was over wieght, and had a receding hairline and just wasn't attractive. he asked me out and so I said yes because since when does what I want matter? We had sex a lot-- I still don't see what the big deal is, which means I've probably never had an orgasm. Then, I met his wife. She threatened to kill me. I broke up with him. By now I was living in my townhouse with my dog. he started following me to and from work and kept trying to break into my house. One night, I didn't finish working until midnight and it's an hour long walk home. when I was cutting through an apartment parking lot, he showed up and threw me against the dumpster. He pinned me on the ground and kept saying that he knew we were soul mates and that he would make me realize how much I loved him. He kissed me really hard and tried to force his tongue into my mouth so I opened it and then bit down hard. He punched me in the stomach and started unzipping his pants. he raped me. And then he followed me home. I wouldn't let him in. he smashed in one of my windows and I called the cops. I didn't tell them about the parking lot. that night I took an hour long shower and the next day, after work, my mom drove the three hours down to my townhouse and we loaded up as much stuff as possible into the pickup truck and we went back home. a week later was my sugar pill week, but I didn't get my period. I was terrified that he got me pregnant. we moved the rest of my things back home last week and I thankfully got my period this time around. I'm working at my old job again and taking the pre-requisites for the BScN program and from there I'm going to go to med school and become a doctor like I always wanted to but never thought I could. I am the perfect little happy person to everyone, but secretly, I've started cutting myself again, something I haven't done since grade eleven. I decided to take two months off of drinking to let me get my health back up and to save some money up after spending a bunch on moving home and have to buy out the lease for my townhouse which will cost $2100 -- never mind the fact that I help my family out with some of our bills, like groceries and the satellite. I only make about $800 a month so it is kind of difficult. Once I have the option of going out and drinking again I want to have a one night stand; I want to make sure that no matter what, my ex won't be the last person that I have sex with. I'd rather it be some stranger that I feel nothing for than somebody I actually think I hate and have bad thoughts towards (I don't ish anything bad on the people in my life, not one of them...except him). I hope my life will start to get better, I feel better already now that I've written some of it down. But I have to go to bed, I work at seven thirty.

If there's anyone actually reading this, you should read my profile first, it gives my current situation. I don't really know what to say, or if it really matters. when i was little, I was never the popular kid, we moved around a lot because when my dad left my mom for the seventeen year old babysitter, we were pretty poor so I was always the new kid. By the time I was in grade seven, I was adaptable- I could observe people, see what type of a person they were looking for and be that person. I know it makes me sound shallow, but it was my only way to try to cover up how lonely I was feeling. By grade nine I became the trendsetter at school. I always knew the great bands and movies and shows, I always had the perfect little touches to my unifor and interesting hair styles. I wasn't really interested in guys, but I dated anyway. Grade nine is when I started dating my English teacher. we never had sex...just other stuff. Because he was a teacher and I was a student, technically I wasn't his girlfriend and he told me I should still date other teens so that no one would suspect anything-- so I did. I dated this guy from my Junior Achievements business group. the second week we were dating, he invited me to his friend's house to watch American Pie Two. He raped me. That's how I lost my virginity: in some guy's basement, with his friend pinning my arms down while he raped me, with the friend's girlfriend sitting on the other couch turning her atttentions from me to the t.v.. After him, I dated this guy that hit me. He wasn't so bad, I was kind of used to it because my dad and step mom beat me. my mom and my step dad have knocked me around on occaission but I strongly believe I always asked for it. Anyway, my dating experiences were pretty much like those until I left for university. There, I started dating my English prof. we dated for almost a month before I found out he was married. I never slept with him, but I made out with him a few more times before I stopped things. After that, I think I got really reckless. I didn't start sleeping around or anything, I would just go to dance clubs a couple nights a week and make out with guys and dance real dirty and I always dressed boderline scandalous. then, a girl from my work introduced me to this guy friend of hers. I was really drunk, so as usual, we made out. I saw him again at a bar two days later. The bar was across the street from my dorm, so I invited him back to use my phone to call a cab. He misinterpreted and wanted to have sex. I really didn't want to, given my past experience, I've never really been interested in sex or anything, but I was so far gone that at that point I figured it didn't matter because I try to make other people happy and that's what makes guys happy. So I slept with him. I was assuming it would be a one night stand, but he must have liked me. he showed up at my work that night. I must say, he looked better when I was drunk. He was over wieght, and had a receding hairline and just wasn't attractive. he asked me out and so I said yes because since when does what I want matter? We had sex a lot-- I still don't see what the big deal is, which means I've probably never had an orgasm. Then, I met his wife. She threatened to kill me. I broke up with him. By now I was living in my townhouse with my dog. he started following me to and from work and kept trying to break into my house. One night, I didn't finish working until midnight and it's an hour long walk home. when I was cutting through an apartment parking lot, he showed up and threw me against the dumpster. He pinned me on the ground and kept saying that he knew we were soul mates and that he would make me realize how much I loved him. He kissed me really hard and tried to force his tongue into my mouth so I opened it and then bit down hard. He punched me in the stomach and started unzipping his pants. he raped me. And then he followed me home. I wouldn't let him in. he smashed in one of my windows and I called the cops. I didn't tell them about the parking lot. that night I took an hour long shower and the next day, after work, my mom drove the three hours down to my townhouse and we loaded up as much stuff as possible into the pickup truck and we went back home. a week later was my sugar pill week, but I didn't get my period. I was terrified that he got me pregnant. we moved the rest of my things back home last week and I thankfully got my period this time around. I'm working at my old job again and taking the pre-requisites for the BScN program and from there I'm going to go to med school and become a doctor like I always wanted to but never thought I could. I am the perfect little happy person to everyone, but secretly, I've started cutting myself again, something I haven't done since grade eleven. I decided to take two months off of drinking to let me get my health back up and to save some money up after spending a bunch on moving home and have to buy out the lease for my townhouse which will cost $2100 -- never mind the fact that I help my family out with some of our bills, like groceries and the satellite. I only make about $800 a month so it is kind of difficult. Once I have the option of going out and drinking again I want to have a one night stand; I want to make sure that no matter what, my ex won't be the last person that I have sex with. I'd rather it be some stranger that I feel nothing for than somebody I actually think I hate and have bad thoughts towards (I don't ish anything bad on the people in my life, not one of them...except him). I hope my life will start to get better, I feel better already now that I've written some of it down. But I have to go to bed, I work at seven thirty.