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A Juliet

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[09 Jul 2003|10:41pm]
[ mood | disgusted ]
[ music | -meshugga- ]

Ich wünsche, dass ich schön war. Alles ich hält; ich sehe häßlich aus. Alles ich tut; ich bin häßlich. Alles über mich ist häßlich!! Ich hasse es .. wirklich ich tue .., den ich wünsche, dass etwas mich schönen .. machen konnte, aber nichts konnte jemals diesen häßlichen schönen Außen.. gerade wie nichts machen konnte mein Interieur schön auch machen. Ich hasse mein Leben an diesem Punkt .. ich hasse Aussehen im Spiegel an einem häßlichen Gesicht! ich hasse es gerade. Oh gut würde keiner von Ihnen mir irgendwie .. gut auf Wiedersehen helfen

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[09 Jul 2003|12:07pm]
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...im flying on tarnished wings.. [08 Jul 2003|09:37am]
[ mood | annoyed ]
[ music | sponge bob * oi oi * ]

Hmm i deffinatly was up very late last night.. i hung out with Rob at his house till about.. hmm 3 in the morning. His house is sort of small but big at the same time i guess... there was a lot of other people there drinking.. so i got 'my drink on' as well. And then came other things.. i can't say them on here because it probably illegal in all 50 states and probably 3 countries in europe.. lol haha. He is a really cool guy but he got me doped up like a bitch.. i don't know what i did all i remember is the bathroom and taking a shower with my close on while a naked chick around 19 was naked and letting me wash her... yeah, that was a strange thing to do.. =\

Hmm, then i came home at 3 and i passed out in my bed.. i had a odd dream that i was in the highschool running from teachers because i got off my bus because i had to much shit with me (because i was late getting on the bus) and it was the first day of school.. so i got off the bus with one of my friends i had when i first moved here (until she moved) and we ran in there and some guy told me my ass was big and he would bounce his dick off of it like a quarter.. lol hah. i know, that is a dumb thing to laugh at but oh well i don't give a fuck.

AAHH!! THE SUN! Damnit, it was raining earlier but now that sun has come out to mock me. It is sayin "oo yeah thats right you cant enjoy me because no one will ask you to do anything with them IN MY LIGHT!!" god, i want to have a natural pale on the 1st day of school. I don't like how ppl use face powder =\ just a natural pale is beautiful so that you glow.. i want that so much.. but how the hell would i get it..? ughh and i hate those ppl with tans that arelike fucking leather *gag* that is sick! icky.. i mean... have you seen those guys with those disgusting tans to where they were were white as paper and then brown as doo doo or something..? that is so unattractive!

Rob isn't like that... rob has pale beautiful skin.. like he is dead.. and his hair is blue and black and he has these beautiful blueishgreen eyes that are so alive. damn he is beautiful..

i wish i could be beautiful *sigh* damn these forsaken looks of mine..


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..drive this curse away.. [07 Jul 2003|10:16pm]
[ mood | pessimistic ]
[ music | my dying bride-roads ]

I made a newer journal.. my old one was basically about danny..parties..and other useless ramblings i tend to say in my journal's.. i doubt this one will be any different.

Today was wretched as usual.. i hate where i live. My neighbor adam is such an asshole.. he expects me to give him my fucking lighter everytime he wants to smoke a fucking cigarette or smoke pot with his friends.. well i don't know how much lighter fluid i have left and i am not wasting it on a stoner who still owes me 3 goddamn cigarettes in the first damn place... what an asshole.

Anyway, life at this point is useless.. i hate everything about myself.. it is just pathetic. I am always wanting ppl do be there for me.. but alas they are not. Even though i take time out of my pathetic day just to help them with their problems.. i guess that doesn't mean anything right..? i guess not. Nobody is there for me when i need them... they only begin to care when i start to contimplate suicide and tell them about new appearing scars.. damn them all to hell. It is fucking worthless tho.. i hate everyone who is having a great fucking summer and everyone who have great boyfriends who are happy and just.. normal.. fuck the norm. I'm no where fucking close to it so fuck it! And this is why i hate myself. Because i have no real purpose for living except to be ignored by all of my 'friends' and family. God damn the world for lying to me and insisting that everything would play itself out and turn out fine.. is that really what they teach ppl in church..? Oh well, fuck whatever they teach you.. it is mostly old ppl who go to church anyway!

Well, i am extremely bored at the moment.. and i don't know how long i will stay up tonight depending on the activity online.. so i will probably update later..

l8r masterbaters.

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