i'm sorry that i am always sorry
that i can't do things right the first time

i am still eighteen. and i am still at school right now. and i am still stressed out about so many things. some that deserve stress, some that don't. calm me down. i wish i had some kind of chemical dependency to rely on. some steady vice that i can be ashamed of. sometimes i wish for weird things. i'll just go write some poetry. because today after school i have to go to plainfield. i am interviewing to be put through the manager training program. i only kind of want to do this. is kind of enough? i don't really know what i want, except for two things. i want you. and i want to express myself clearly. that is all. i feel so bad because you needed me last night and i couldn't be there. but i'm going to call tonight after work. and i'll talk and talk to you. i need to make you so happy. i need to

played with nathan today/tonight. it was amazing. we worked on some new stuff that was amazing. kid left his drum sticks here. i'll return them tomorrow. had nice talking with joey. i work this week. my one and only is sad and i can do nothing to help. its fucking me up

home.
play with nathan soon.
nothing to do tonight, i can't remember the last time that happened

my computer got wiped out and rebuilt. my aim buddy list is trashed, so i need all of you to im me the first chance you get. so i can re-add you. fuckers

i went to a show on friday.
i played a show on saturday.
today was my birthday.

best fucking weekend ever.




when did we decide to lay down our lives. when did we realize that thought will never be enough. we must give ourselves enough room to move, so we can grow into our own. like we have to. this was the perfect thing, i think, to show us how far we have come and how far we have yet to go. but together. always together how long will it take for us to forget, what it feels like to sleep alone. i already cant remember, nights are colder when you're gone

tomorrow i play with nathan/joey/rob/paul. we will see what comes of this. the i'm going to the emerson. and i am going to the emerson, too.

just let me figure everything out, then we will talk

motivation is a fucked up animal

i am at school again. again. always. my week, broken down, should resemble this:

tuesday (today) / school, work, finish english paper
wednesday / school, HCD practice, see allison
thursday / school, work
friday / school, play with joeypaulrobnathan
saturday / HCD practice, play show in new port
sunday / maybe joeypaulrobnathan, maybe birthday lunch with family and allison, maybe work, maybe birthday presents

i want this to be over and done with, i want to be past this present tense, but while i'm here i'll live every second of it

at school. the horror. my love didn't have to go to school today. good for her. sad for me.
a girl in my first class this morning apparently found out that she's pregnant over christmas vacation. merry christmas. nothing like some completely life altering news. chalk the tally up to two girls my age that i just found out are expecting. actually, scratch that. the girl this morning is, i think, a sophomore. seems morbid. in august this years there's going to be a new human being in this world, and a girl who must struggle to finish high school. best of luck, anonymous.

so trey has quit the band. seemingly for good now. i hope i made him realize last night that while some of his reasons may be justifiable, some were not. talking about having motivation and actually being motivated are not the same thing. and i think he sees that.

hello to a child.
goodbye to a friend.

this might be goodbye and strangely enough, i find myself comforted. i haven't written in a while. i feel it coming. fast

i really am the sorriest. and i love you. and i love you

i feel so good about everything anymore. hotel hotel lets play house

my computer has heart attacks. did i tell you that? because it's true. my parents are flipping because we obviously have some kind of virus. they read an article about spyware and had strokes of worry. we now have spyware eliminating software. it won't fix anything. so internet explorer opens and closes randomly. i love it love.

i didn't get to talk to you last night. i had to make a stop on my way home from work (which i left late from) and called at 9.30 but you didn't answer. i left a message. i'm sorry. i miss you. my throat hurts like all fucking hell. i hate school and deadlines and not being with you. things are going to start going my way. soon. i'm getting sick.

www.maybeifwerun.com/ideas ~ tell me if you like this. drew's new idea/s

i work at five. i'll leave another message

today i played with my friend paul and we talked about music things and it was oh grand and i hope this works i fucking hope this works. i don't have much on my plate for the moment, not much to do with school - winter break comes rapidly. rapider than horsepower. and i don't work until wednesday. and i don't work friday or saturday. and i will see you soon