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(4 | Lost and lonely.) [07 Nov 2004|08:18pm] So. How're you guys? I get my expander out. Normal speech! YES! I've been working a lot. A lot a lot. I hate working when I'm sick. I really do. DO you guys want the honest truth? I'm very lonely. *shrugs* Just thought I'd let you know... Read this.. it's my letter to an asshole.. ( Dear You... )

(1 | Lost and lonely.) [31 Oct 2004|09:41pm] "wire your jaw shut, I don't wanna hear it anymore" *sigh* Lonely. I look around me and I'm constantly seeing happy couples. Even Kami has a boyfriend now. Maybe it's the constant kissing of them two, or the time I have alone.. but I miss being unsingle. I was reading back in my journal and I found this little excerpt: from Sept. 22nd, 2004 "I hope hope hope hope this one doesn't get fucked up. I really hope so. I like him... a lot." Wow.. That's depressing, isn't it? Yes, yes it is. SO. How was your halloween? Mine sucked ass. I just walked around with Kami, Chris (her boyfriend), and his friend Justin. I went into work while we were walking around. It kinda sucked. I don't know.. I started writing something last night, but I couldnt finish it. I'm having mad writer's block! IT SUCKS ASS! Your confident words, Make me feel worse. Don’t loot at me with sympathy I’m not the one loosing him, He’s loosing me. I’m okay, I swear it... I need to finish it really bad. I REALLY DO.. anyone wanna help me? (Yes, I rhymed, shut up!) yet another beginning. Wired jaws and locked lips You didn’t mean to break my heart, And I don’t mean to cry. I don’t mean to make you guilty, And you didn’t mean all of what you said. I’ll wire your jaw shut, So I don’t have to hear about her, I’ll stitch my eyes closed, So I don’t have to see your locked lips. She doesn’t mean to be a shitty friend, You’re just mean, I don’t mean to be a human, And have feelings or care. That one is worse. I'm starting to like rhyming, I just can't do it well, so I try not to. GOD DAMN IT GUYS! I'm so mad at them. Okay, I'm done for the night. I think I'm going to go to bed.. by myself, not looking forward to seeing anyone of my own tomorrow...

(Lost and lonely.) [28 Oct 2004|01:17pm] Katie, your subconscious mind is driven most by Love Everyone has a desire to love. But your desire is rooted very deeply in your unconscious and affects many of the decisions you make in life — whether you are aware of it or not. You have an energy about you that inspires people to experience their true feelings of love and act kindly towards others. In this way, you and your drive for loving relationships start a chain reaction of positive experiences. The reason you are driven by love, may be because your unconscious is trying to avoid the opposite of love — hate. You, more than others, may be afraid of experiencing severe discord with others. That may, in turn, heavily influence your choices about relationships and the way you communicate your ideas, wants, and desires to others. With such a strong orientation towards loving others, your relationships hold a very special place in your life. Your capacity to love may be greater than those around you, and therefore you may have more to give in relationships than your romantic partner does. Remember that this is a gift you have and one most others don't possess. Though your unconscious mind is driven most strongly by Love, there is much more to who you are at your core. How true? Not very? I thought so too

(4 | Lost and lonely.) [26 Oct 2004|01:32pm] [ mood | conflicted ] [ music | Tiger Lily - The Early November ] Well... To all those hot sexy guy friends of mine who were all upset when Zac stole me away from you, (haha, Drew and Andrew you queers), I am back on the market! Go me I guess. I don't know. He said he'd rather be with Ariel (his exgirlfriend and a good friend of mine) than with me. And as upsetting as that is, I'm okay with it. Really I am. Now that I'm very much so single, I guess I'm a lot more confident. I wore this really cute blue sweater to school tomorrow, and I got complimented a lot. Okay, I lied. I'm not okay with it. I really am not okay with it. I want them both to be happy, but I'm supposed to look out for myself, aren't I? Everyone tells me so. How can I worry about just myself when they both mean so much to me? I guess what I'm trying to ask is: Should I really sacrafice my happiness for theirs?

(Lost and lonely.) [23 Oct 2004|01:28am] [ mood | In need of revenge on no one in particular ] [ music | Ohio Is For Lovers - Hawthorne Heights ] Don't ever get old enough to give up hope on life. (Me in a moment of shock at the willingness of my Great Great Uncle John to sit in a hospital and whither away. Granted, the man has lead a full life and at the age of 96 and no longer having any close fmaily members maybe it is his time.) Yeah... Watching people die... for the lack of a better term, sucks. In the past Two years, I've had to do that twice and I'm in the process of watching another person who I admire quite a bit do the same. This man is not only the sweetest man, but the most amazing man I've ever met in my life. He's done so many things with his life. He worked so many jobs and has been so many places that most people will never get to do in their lives. He truely is an amazing man. I'm feeling a wee bit apprehensive about going to work tomorrow. I don't know why. I have to work in 13 hours. ooooh yey -_- I'm going to go find someone interesting to talk to.. b-bye

(Lost and lonely.) [21 Oct 2004|08:41pm] I really am a working woman. Yup, I started my job yesterday. Really, it wasn't that bad, and I learned a lot. I can work register, make fries (not as fun as it seems), work drive through, AND clean up after people. I mopped, cleaned tables, and swept. (That was before 4:18) I've been working there LESS than a week, and I've already been late. :/ I was just kinda lounging around and at 4:18 my trainer calls and she's all like "Uh, were you planning on working today?" and I said "I wasn't scheduled. I work tomorrow" and she says 'Uh, did you check the schedule? You work today at four.." so I freaked and got down there in 10 minutes.. haha... Awesome time, eh? Work's not that bad really... I don't like cleaning though. I spent about an hour doing just like the FLOORS. It sucked ass. I'm going to bed.. I'm fucking tired...

(Lost and lonely.) [18 Oct 2004|04:51pm] We-he-he-heeeelll.. I'm in the middle of what could possibly be one of the best books I've read.. ever. The Perks Of Being A Wallflower by some dude with a jewish/polish-sounding name.. It was recommened to me by quite a few people so my BESTEST friend ever picked me up a copy as a part of my birthday gift. (If you'd like to borrow it just let me know and I'll loan it to you) She will be loved. Ah, acoustic songs have the ability to make me cream in my pantaloons. There really isn't much else to write. I NEED A NEW LAYOUT FOR THIS BEAST... But I need a background first... *nudge nudge* Mitch.. hehe

(4 | Lost and lonely.) [15 Oct 2004|11:59pm] [ mood | Angry, yet sad, but very confused ] [ music | Stephan - Senses Fail ] Okay.. the events of a weird, very long, very frustrating night. Things were going a-okay until I mentioned Clint, a one time friend of mine that just so happens to be a white supremist. Zac is a very anti-racist kind of person, ya dig? And I know this, but I can see Clint for more than just a close-minded asshole. I called him a sweetheart (which he is) and Zac got all bum hurt about it. Excuse my ability to see around his pea-brained-ness and see his sweet side. It went like this. Me: Clint's a real sweetheart Zac: pushes me away That was the wrong thing to say. Walks to the car I continue to be all pissed off because he went to pout and didn't want to talk to me. I went over to the car and sat there and waited for him to talk to me. He didn't and my aunt pulled up so she could pick up Kami. So I walked over there and I talked to her for a few minutes. I walked back over to the car. Scene 2! Me: What are the chances you're going to talk to me? Zac: Silence Me: This is ridiculous! How do you expect us to work shit out when you won't talk? I walk away because I'm still hecka pissed off. Scene 3! I walked back over there willing to talk. WANTING to talk. I opened the door and sat next to him and took his hat off of his face. Me: Zac... He put his hat back on his face. Me: You need to talk to me Zac: You know what's ridiculous? Losing your best friend because he's a jew. Me: I didn't hang out with Clint because he was a Nazi, I hung out with him because he was nice to me. Besides, I haven't seen him in AGES. Months. Zac: I'm not pissed off because you were his friend, I'm pissed off because you called him sweet. Me: I had the ability to see through his White Supremist attitude and see that on the inside he was a deent person. Zac: No. Me: You know what's ridiculous? That you came out here and sat in a car and pouted for an hour and a half like a little bitch. Zac: Get the fuck away from me. Me: What the fuck ever! While walking away: (To Chris:) Chris, take your pansy ass bitch friend home. At this point I was so frustrated that I just started yelling... I was being a bitch. Saying I didn't care and being just happy. When I get angry, I get too happy. I got the shirt I had of his and gave it to Chris and gave him the mission to get my MSI shirt back. Zac and I have a very fucked up relationship. We really do. I was talking to my sexy stripping Brazilian friend Chris (he's a mutual friend of Zac and I) and he made a valid point. In a happy realtionship, you should feel as though you partner is your best friend and I really don't feel that. Zac isn't the kind of person I can go with my problems. I don't have many any more, but still. I don't know what to do. I care for him so much, more than a lot of people know, but maybe our little spat tonight was our breaking point. Who knows?

(Lost and lonely.) [15 Oct 2004|11:29am] I have one of those blinding headaches. I can't see much (I can see, but I have all these white spots.. yeah.. it sucks). Ahhhh. The amazingness of having a migrane-like headache. I'm now living in a house full of PIGS. Seven of us in a four bedroom house. Me, my cousin Kami, my cousin Justin and his girlfriend Sam, Lane, my mom, and my dad. Sam and Justin are pigs, and that's making the whole house very... 'touchy'. We're all bitchy and tired. I clean almost all day, while Justin, Sam, and my brother sit on their asses amd watch me clean. It's very very very very annoying. There's been a lot more than that going on around here. Me and Zac are doing okay. He found himslef a job, and so did I. I'm working at McDonalds 25 hours a week for minimum wage. Hey, it's money, isn't it? I can pay my car insurance and my cell phone bill. I'm working with Ariel, so that's awesome. That's it really. Last night while I was trying to fall asleep I had the sudden urge to write, but I didn't. I want to write a monologue of sorts. Or maybe another song. I haven't written anything decent in ages. I supposed I should start hunting for insparation, eh? Well, I'm off to sleep this pain out of my head. I shall write more another time.

(Lost and lonely.) [06 Oct 2004|01:17pm] [ music | Bonus Mosh Pt. 2 ] Ahhh.. I've been 16 for a few days now, and I don't really feel any different. Should I? UHM.. I'm in sixth hour again. Of course, I have nothing better to do with my time in this class. I'm already done with my shit. SO. YEAH. My gosh. I don't know what to talk about. There isn't really anything TO talk about. YOu know? Today, my dad wants to go to jet skiing today, after school. And we leave for California tomorrow right after school. I probably won't get to see Zac today, and I know I won't get to see him tomorrow, Friday, Saturday or Sunday. (I'll be in California... duh. Jesus kids..) SO in conclution, I won't get to see my boyfriend for almost a week. And that sucks. A lot. I'm talking to some little freshman on AIM. Jesus... haha.. I hate little kids. I really do. Most of them are like him. Uhm. What else to say? Nothing. NOTHING AT ALL. I have another 30 minutes. I don't know what class Mandy is in or else I'd text her. This whole having a cell phone business isn't too hard. It isn't too hard at all. It's actually pretty awesome, because I can show everyone what Zac looks like now. hehehe.. He's so awesome. I'm gunna miss him when I'm gone. WELL.. I'm going to go look around ~emolyrics.. haha.. I might be back later.

(Lost and lonely.) [01 Oct 2004|01:20pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | DC - Jamie ] So, sitting in sixth hour. I'm mighty bored and worried about my upcoming weekend. As most everyone knows, this weekend is my birthday (Sunday to be exact). Since my accident, my parents have been keeping their leash on me pretty short. Tonight is homecoming (The game, I won't go to the dance) and tomorrow I want to have a few friends over (10-15) but my parents want me to keep the number to a minimum. That is my minimum Maybe they don't realize, but hey, I have friends. Quite a few of them. A lot of new ones since I started dating Zac. I'd be fine just saying "EFF THE PARTY! Lemme go over to Kyle/Zac/Candy/Rick's house!" (Confusing living situation. Since I'm dating Zac, and Zac is living with the Cox's {Rick, Candy and Kyle} I tend to call it Zac's house, but since it isn't really his house and my mom knows this, she thinks I'm talking about his parent's house. I call it Kyle's house too, but since I dated a Kyle not too long ago, my parents get confused. They think I'm talking about my ex when I say Kyle. I can't call it Candy's house because, well, let's face it, that's just weird. That'd be like me telling my parents I was going over to Stephanie's house when I was going over to Misty's. They'd have no idea who I was talking about. haha) (Jesus, long excerpt... haha) BUT anyways.. I want to just go over there and spend the day with my boyfriend and friends. *shrugs* And about this whole football game tonight, I don't know if I'll even be able to go to that. It's homecoming, so I think that they should let me go, but I don't know. I'd need to find a ride and blah blah blah. You know the deal-e-o, right??? Bah. ANYWAYS! I need a nicotine fix. BUT SHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Jeeeeezus. It's mu 16th birthday in two days. I have two more days without many responcibilities (Jesus, I need to learn how to spell). It's odd. I mean, I know I'm "growing up" but I don't feel it. I don't feel it at all. I'm still just a wee little laddie stuck in a world full of my elders telling me that I need to grow up. I don't know. I'm excited about getting older, but at the same time.. terrified. SO.. I miss my Zac. A lot. Hopefully I'll get to see him today. I miss him so much already! I'm so pathetic aren't I? hehe... I'm just so happy with him. I wonder if Candy'll give me a ride to the game tognihgt. I neeeeeeed a ride. I really do. UHM! I don't know. Time to write random thoughts of the Katness's moment. UHM. Oh I wonder wonder wonder wonder what's in a wonder baaaaaaaaaaall! Woot woot. OHH... DUDE.. I'm so bored. I have like.. 13 minutes left. 1-3. 1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1=13. Did you know that? I need to get that algebraic problem from Jenny and prove to Zac that WE (as in Jenny and I) OWN him becuase there is no possible way that 1=2 nope nope nope nope nope... I LOVE MY ZAC!!! <3 (vee three bitch) Gunna jet! I love you all... *MUAH* ::KAT::

(4 | Lost and lonely.) [27 Sep 2004|10:55am] He's the only person I'll allow to get under my skin. The only one. And why you may ask? I couldn't tell you. Doesn't he realized he fucked up once also? I'm not the only one who has. I'm perfectly happy for the first time since he met her, and he's making me doubt myself. He's worse than the woman who gave me life. *shakes head* Why must I let him do this to me? In other news, I heard some rather disturbing news about my accident this past weekend. If Durham hadn't of switched lanes 2 seconds before we hit the SUV, he would have been in the accident also and all three of us in the backseat of the Neon would definately be dead. If this doesn't make you believe in fate, then tell me what does... I spent almost all day with Zac yesterday. He's amazing. He calls me beautiful. *blushes* (Maybe he needs to get his eyes checked.. haha). He isn't as afraid of my house now. I don't see why people are so uncomfortable at my house. It's not that scary being here. He makes me so happy... *happy sigh* OH OH OH oh oh ho ho ho... haha The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell! Here is how you matched up against all the levels: Level Score Purgatory (Repenting Believers) Very Low Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers) Moderate Level 2 (Lustful) High Level 3 (Gluttonous) Low Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious) Very Low Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy) High Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics) High Level 7 (Violent) Extreme Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers) Very High Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous) Moderate Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

(1 | Lost and lonely.) Lucky to be alive... [26 Sep 2004|10:21am] I'm lucky to be alive. And I'm lucky that I have such a wonderful and amazing boyfriend. Last night around 9:30pm I was involved in a three vehicle accident. The person driving the car I was in was said to be doing 85 MPH, but I know she wasn't. She couldn't have been. We were driving down Indian school on our way back from the bowling alley. Linda (the girl driving our car) was racing Durham (the guy who drove to other car our friends were in). I told her to slow down. but I told her too late. No one was hurt in our car, but three people were taken to the hospital, one of which was in our car. Being the typical ass I am, I screamed and screamed and screamed afterwards. We should all be dead. I could've put my family through it again. God. I'm so fucking stupid. Zac was with me. Thank god. I don't know what I would have done if he wasn't with me. He was so strong and so calm. He wasn't hurt at all thank god. I'm still crying about it. (Of course.. haha) I messed up my foot pretty bad, but it could've been so much worse. I'm lucky to be alive... Once I've had more time to kick myself back into reality, I'll write more. But right now, I think I just need to be alone and think about stuff... (Missing my Zac)

(Lost and lonely.) [24 Sep 2004|08:17pm] WOO HOO.. I have SO many pictures to show you guys!!! ( LOOK HERE!! )

(Lost and lonely.) [24 Sep 2004|12:39pm] [ mood | enthralled ] [ music | SOme dude singing "Rock The Boat" behind me ] So, I didn't get into much detail last night, I didn't have time. I was too busy talking to my Zac. (*giggles* and he's MINE!!) You guys.. you just don't know. He's so sweet. Last night at the game, he was so sweet. I kept telling him Tyler was hitting on me and he'd Hold on to me for dear life and say "mine!" and I am his. All his. I like his so much... and.. Guys, he just makes me so happy. The cutest thing in the world is when we're just kinda sitting there he'll look at at me, and blow me a kiss and then he'll wink. Oh god.. It makes me melt. I'm putty in his hands if/when he does that. *sigh* I dunno guys. I really don't know. I like him a lot. So much. But it's scary. I don't know what's going to happen, and I don't want to think about it. I want to be with him for a long time. A long long time. And it's only been a week. When I said I hadn't liked someone so much since Steven, (I was talking about Kyle though) I was lying. I was in love with Steven. But Zac, he just makes me so happy. For the first time in a while.. I'm genuinely, most possitivly, GRANDLY .. happy *content/happy sigh* So. How're you guys? I have a detention to serve today. My first detention of my highschool life, and it isn't really my fault. I won't get into the story, but it isn't my fault. SO.. Yeah, afterwards, I have to walk to Mandy's house with her. THAT will suck bum. It's hot outside, and I dunno if I'll be able to see Zac today. I hope I can. I miss him already. It's been like, 12 hours. Oh jebums. hehehehe. I'm so hopeless. Well guys. I dunno what else to say. For once, I'm entirely out of words. =-o Shocks me too. Good morning, good afternoon, good day, good evening, and good night! *bows and walks away with a smile on my face* ~~~Katie~~~

(2 | Lost and lonely.) [23 Sep 2004|11:18pm] SO HAPPY! hehehe.. the game rocked even though we lost.. :D YAY KATIE!

(Lost and lonely.) [22 Sep 2004|01:47pm] [ mood | smitten ] [ music | Right now? I have some theme song stuck in my head :( ] I don't have much time, because I'm in class and we get out in 13 minutes, but I wanted to update this and let you all know what's going on. Kami went to the "Crazy House". She's at my house now. She wants to stay with us, and honestly, I want her to. She want's to go back to highschool... WITH ME.. that would rock. I'm dating Zac. You guys. Wow. He's so amazing. He's so sweet and he does the cutest things. If you're my friend, I know I've told you. *sigh* I'm so happy. I really like him. :-D What else? I don't know! Uhhh... My bruise on my cheek is almost gone!!! Uhm.. dude.. that whole thing took me three minutes. WASTING TIME... I WANT TO TALK TO ZAC!! *sigh* He's so sweet. SO SO SWEET. My birthday is in a week and four days. ANNND.. we're taking Mandy to Rocky Point this year!!! (Me, My mom, My dad and her, we're going for 4 days) That's so awesome. You guys have no idea at all.. It'll rock socks. There's a varsity football game tomorrow. And Zac's going, so I might make Kami take me so I can see him. Maybe he'll wanna come over today. Do you think I'm suffocating him? Last night it was so sweet. We were on the phone and he's talking about how much he likes me and how much he already missed me. It was so sweet. It wasn't creepy at all. I hope hope hope hope this one doesn't get fucked up. I really hope so. I like him... a lot. OH.. and I talked to Dave for like, three minutes last night. *grins* I am over him entirely. Isn't that great? Effin Awesome if you ask me. I can move on with my life, like he has with his. *waves* GOODBYE AWFUL PAST! HELLO WONDERFUL FUTURE!! ~~Katie~~

(1 | Lost and lonely.) [19 Sep 2004|10:16am] It sure does feel weird being up this early when I can sleep in. :-/ Anyways.. I went to the show on friday, and I didn't leave without my bruises, lightheadedness, and a new crush. I know. Bad girl Katie. I just broke up with someone, yet I have a new crush. Effed up, huh? Grour. There are some limitations to the amount of likeness here. He works in DTP. Like I do. There's a "No Dating" rule, but when I asked Mandy about it, she said that it was okay if we dated. Good thing I guess. I dunno. I really don't. I mean, I'm not depressed.. haha.. NAH.. not depressed.. def'nily def'nily not depressed. I'm just confused. Besides... He was acting oddly yesterday. I really hope I get to talk to him before tomorrow. ANYWAYS.. aboot him.. (haha @ my canadianness) he's got a MOHAWK.. H O W H O T T?! Jesus.. this kid.. He's so funny, and so cute.. and soo.. soo.. he's just so me, ya know? :) BUT... I must say bbye.. :( I love ya'll.. those of you who read this at least.. haha KAT

(10 | Lost and lonely.) [16 Sep 2004|05:03pm] Well..It's been a long week homies? Hasn't it? Yes, it has been. How're you my lovelies? (not that anyone reads this anymore.. :-/) I'm okay I guess. A lot's been happening family wise. My cousin commited herself this week, my aunt's in the hospital, my mom's a bitch, AND.. My dad got a new harley like, two weeks ago. School's gay too. Miss Spemkowski can bite my ass. She's an effin' bitch. WELL.. I have lots of homework. (yay school) (It's just drawing, so it isn't that bad.. but still.. it sucks!!) Good morning, good afternoon, good evening and goodnight. *BOWS* Katie

(3 | Lost and lonely.) [15 Sep 2004|09:28pm] My little rant about peeing: PEEING IS THE MOST RELAXING THING IN THE WORLD! Think about it. If you have to pee.. you have to go, right? When you actually DO pee, it feels so good, you can't help but go.."ahhhhhh *Relaxed face*" SO.. What would happen if you could relieve stress or anger when you pee? Could you imagine how peaceful our planet would be? Bush: Fuckin' Iraqis... Some Random Helper: Go take a leak dude.. *Mr. Bush pees* Bush: Wow.. They can live..

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