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(Lost and lonely.) [03 Jul 2008|10:20am] You never tell the last of a dying breed, "I told you so".

(Lost and lonely.) [03 Jul 2008|10:20am] You never tell the last of a dying breed, "I told you so".

(Lost and lonely.) [13 Apr 2006|08:39pm] Want in one hand, shit in the other... What I want: I want to be able to look in the mirror and not want to fix something. I want to be able to not worry about money. I want to be able to go shopping without having any regrets. I want to meet someone and have that spark. And have it not fade. I want to walk with my head held high all the time. I want people to look at me and say "Wow". I want to actually do something good for once in my life. I want my parents to be proud of me, no matter what choices I make. I want to know all there is to know. About everything. I want to age gracefully. I want my friends to realize I really do love them. I want people to realize I'm not really all that shallow. I want to stop being judged. I want to stay sober for the rest of my life. I want people to know that I'm not that spoiled. I want people to realize that they're not the only one with problems and things could really be worse. I want to never regret anything I do. I want to make the right desicions the first time. I want to always dance like an idiot and not give a fuck what people think. I want all the shitty things that have happened to disappear. I want to relive my childhood and cherish every moment of it. I want to change the past. I want to look into the future. I want to fix all my mistakes. I want to be everything my parents wish I would have been. I want blue eyes. When I'm old, I want to look back and honestly say "Holy shit, I did a lot with my life". I want my daddy to live forever. I want to own a zillion acres and own as many animals as humanly possible. I want to go to my senior prom and feel gorgeous. I want to go everywhere and feel gorgeous. I want to get over the "issues" I have and just focus on having a good time. I want my doggy to feel better. I don't want to feel ignored anymore. I don't want my parents to look at only the bad things I've done or I'll do. I want to go to close my eyes and see some place peaceful. I want to be in a rock band. I want to be famous. I want all of my old friends back. I miss the old times. I want my brother back. I want a perfect relationship, marriage and kids. I want to be the mother mine never was. I want to be able to look around and see the true beauty of things. I want to take the time to stop and smell the roses everywhere I go. I want to live by the beach. I want to get out of Arizona. I want to be forgiven for everything I've fucked up. I want to always be happy.

(Lost and lonely.) [31 Oct 2005|12:30am] [ mood | accomplished ] So, since my profile got deleted n all my bogs n shit did too... I'm redoing this. The Truths About Me. &♥ I'm happy with my life as it is. &♥ I'm a total dork. I love beign who I really am. It doesn't make me cool, but it makes me happy. So PFFT on you! &♥ I'm not one to push my beliefs on someone. I think that drugs are bad. Would I make you stop doing them? Probably not. Would I be around you tons n TONS? Nope. &♥ I think that smiles.. real smiles are beautiful. No matter how fucked up your grill is. &♥ I hold my friends on a pedastool. They can't do anything wrong. Basically, if you think they're wrong, in my eyes they're not. So don't get all uppity about me gettin pissed if you tell em they're wrong. &♥ The best thing ever? Sitting in my back yard with my homies, chillaxing, and swimming. &♥ I don't have very many friends. And the ones I do have... I trust maybe one. ilu Katie. &♥ I'll admit, I'm judgemental. Everyone is in their way. &♥ I sing all the time. && I suck at it. I know I do, so don't tell me. &♥ I have asthma. &♥ I'm not an emo. I cry a lot.. but guess what.. I'm a girl. I'm allowed to do that. &♥ I tend to get too attatched too quickly. && when things get ready to fall apart, I suck at seeing the warning signs. &♥ I get hurt easily. && I get mad too. But I suck at holding grudges. &♥ I love to dance. I dance like no ones looking. I dance like my life depended on it. hehe. Dancing is siiiiick &♥ I don't like my family. At all. But I love them. So that makes them bareable. &♥ I'm not two faced. I don't talk shit about the people I love. && if you talk shit to me about them? I'll shake my head && I'll ignore you. &♥ I would take a bullet for anyone I cared about. Its just how I am. *shrug* &♥ Speaking of guns n stuff... I like to go out shooting. At wooden targets. Hunting is ucky. &♥ I love pictures. It makes me sad that no one takes them anymore. Pictures are worth a thousand words. With a simple frame, so many memories could rise out of no where. &♥ I have an issue with confidence. It's in me, I know it is.. but sometimes it likes to hide. &♥ I over-think everything. &♥ I'm hard-headed && set in my ways. &♥ No one treats me like shit. I used to let people walk all over me. That shit is over and has been since Josh and I were over. &♥ I hate hurting people. I'd much rather get hurt than hurt someone else. It isn't who I am. &♥ I can be mean and cruel. I can be a sadistic bitch. I can be a lot of things. But I'll never stop being me. &♥ I'm not afraid to take risks. It's what lifes all about. &♥ I think that George W. Bush is a moron and should be shot. Not killed instantly. He should be shot in the foot and left to bleed to death. &♥ The Fifth Amendment is bullshit. Damn it. (hehe, Christopher) &♥ I hide emotions horribly. :D &♥ I won't change for anyone. I won't do anything for anyone but myself. I know it sounds fucked up... but life isn't about other people all the time. &♥ It's taken me way too long to be happy with myself. && now that I am, I plan on keeping myself happy for a long time. I'm not perfect. I know this. I'm not the most amazing person in the world.. I can't walk on water. I can't part the seas. I can't... think of any more biblical references.. haha. &♥ The thing you should know about me... the ONE thing if you plan on being my friend or anything else to me... I hate lying. I hate cheating. I hate being hurt. I hate being put down. I hate a lot of things. Don't hurt me. Don't stab me in the back. Don't talk shit about me. And don't think I'd ever do it to you. I'm not like that...

(Lost and lonely.) The Truths About Me. [17 Sep 2005|11:33pm] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | Bleed The Dream - - Broken Wing ] So. I was on myspace and I saw this thing about something like "The Truths About Girls" and I decided to do one about me. Heeeeere I go! lol ♥I cry a lot. Not because I'm an emo, or because I like the attention, but because sometimes my thoughts just get to be too much. ♥I'm not hard to please. I'm picky, yes. But I'm easy to please. ♥I suck at hiding my emotions. If I feel sad, you'll be able to tell, if I'm angry, I'll let you know. ♥Everything is funny in it's own way. I'll laugh at anything and no one will get it. ♥I hate drugs. I hate what they do to people. I hate what they did to me. ♥I try and do things to where I won't regret them, but the more I try to do them, the more I regret doing them. ♥I wear makeup because I like it. Because I like looking my best. Not because I'm insecure or because I think I'm ugly without it. ♥I'm uncomfortable around people louder than I am. It makes me feel funny. ♥I love it when he makes me blush. I love it when he laughs because he thinks I'm cute. I just flat out love loving him. ♥I know I have very few friends. And even the few I have, I doubt seventy-five percent of the time. ♥I love hugs. Hugs are like... my morphine. ♥I won't cry to you unless I trust you. I'll let you see me cry, but I won't let you comfort me. ♥I've done a lot of things that you wouldn't expect me to. And I regret most of them. ♥I hate distance. Any kind of distance. Two miles or a thousand miles, it's all too much. ♥I know I'm not perfect, and it's way cool with me. ♥I'm done being something I'm not. I'm done pretending. ♥I suck at holding grudges. I get over things in a minute. But I'll always remember what happened. ♥I have a horrible long term memory. ♥I may say that I hate my life, but it could be worse. So I guess for the time being, life doesn't suck that bad. ♥I love Michael Dale Salsman. That's the end of that. No, I'm not single. No, I don't want you to 'hit it'. No, I don't want to cheat on him. And no, I'm not worth your time. ♥

(Lost and lonely.) [26 Jun 2005|02:17am] I want to be somewhere I can see the roads A place where every time you breathe a wish comes true I want to be where love is real And memories of distant days come to life again My good lord. I haven't updated, or posted or done anything of the like in so long... I had a great boyfriend. Had. He broke up with me using the explaination "I don't want to hurt you." How sad? Everyone tells me how much better I can do and how he's not worth it. But he was worth forgiving the first time he fucked me over. And the second. Hell, even the third. At first he told me he was leaving me to do drugs... that was okay, I could have lived with that. I would have known he was headed down the path that I wanted nothing to do with... but then he switched it up a bit. I know this is scary and I know that I'm a retard for even thinking this, but I thought I was falling for him. Emphasis: thought. You know what sucks most? Is I can't be open about how I feel. I want to call him and let him know that I'm hurting, but him and his friend seem to be the type of people that get off to knowing that they're hurting people. His friend came into work today (and yesterday) and I wanted to scream... I couldn't react at all though. He'd run back to Josh and they'd have a good hearty chuckle about it. I wonder if he's even remourseful.. at all. I want to know if he's even giving me a second thought. I doubt he's even hurting or having troubles getting over me too. I wish he'd call me and tell me how much he misses me... but does he? God dammit. I hate this. "Every firsherman has the story of the one they let get away, or the one they threw back because they thought they weren't big enough. When he tells that story to his grandchildred, he'll be missing me."

(Lost and lonely.) [04 May 2005|11:33pm] I'm so annoyed. I shouldn't be getting into this shit, but I can't help myself. Katie has a new boyfriend... and surprisingly.. he's cool. We get along and he's a good time, ya know? I'm so happy for her because she met someone I can stand (not that it really matters if I can stand him or not). They like eachother a lot.. A lot a lot.. they've both told me that they do.. but Katie is conviced he doens't like her, and I can't do anything to convince her otherwise. Everything I say to try and make her see that he really does like her gets twisted. I don't know what else to say to her. I can't convince her and that makes me mad. I want her to just be happy because someone that she likes, likes her back. Why does she have to doubt it? Why can't she just accept it and be happy? I sure as fuck would if I was in her position. (That topic is for another time..) I can't really be all pissed off at her, ya know? But I want to be! I want to tell her how fucking dumb she's being and that she needs to open up her eyes. It makes me so mad!! She has an amazing guy here and she's so unsure about it. I need to stop thinking about it, but I can't. I feel so jealous, ya know? It plays off my last post. Shit kids. What the fuck is wrong with me? Fuck it.. and FUCK you too. I'm going to bed.

(Lost and lonely.) [02 May 2005|11:55pm] I don't know what to write... but I want to write. I'm so sick of this being single bullshit. Seriously. And being around Katie and Laura all the time is just making me more and more... self concious I guess. Don't get me wrong, I love them both, I really do. They're crazy cool and so effin fun to be around... but they get all the attention. From everyone.. I can't feel pretty around them... I literally feel ugly. I know I'm not. I'm not gorgeous.. but god damn it... i deserve to be happy too... I do, don't I?

(Lost and lonely.) [03 Apr 2005|04:10pm] Hmmm. So much has happened the past few weeks since my lazy ass has updated. Obviously I've had time to make a new layout. Which isn't really a new layout. Just a new background, and new colors. And a new icon. I don't really feel like going into frame by frame detail, but I'll sum it up. Single. Dave's with his bitch girlfriend Kat. Fuck 'em both. Me and him bought tickets to go to Taste Of Chaos, but I sold his. I'm horrible, aren't I? Erm. Show. It was fun. I got stepped on and got my shirts stolen. And I missed my favorite band. But I liked the bands I got to see. Ran away. As simple as that. Went to my aunts house. Restraining order is on it's way. *sigh* Social Worker. Yup. At my school, the social worker has taken special interest in me. I'm a fuck up! *grins* Lonley. Like always. Friends. I love them.

(Lost and lonely.) An older blog from myspace. [23 Feb 2005|09:02pm] Sigh So.. I'm surrounded by AWESOME people.. but I feel so alone. So unhappy. So much like the old Katie. And it's horrible. Have you ever just sat and stared outside at the rain and just cried. Not sobbing "OH MY GOD" crying.. but silent tears of discontent. I've done it. I did it today. No one noticed I was crying, which was okay, because they would have asked why and I wouldn't have been able to answer. Do you ever just get that feeling where you dont want to talk to anybody? I dont want to smile, and I don’t want to act happy, but at the same time, I dont know exactly whats wrong either. There isn't a way to explain it to someone who doesn't already understand. If I could have anything in the world, it would be to be alone. People have stopped being comforting, but being alone never was. At least when I’m alone, no one is constantly asking me what's wrong when I don’t know the answer. I feel the way I do just because. I hope the feeling will pass soon and that I’ll be able to be myrself again...but until then, all I can do is wait. Amazing, isn't it? I modified it a bit.. but it fits me so well right now. Honestly? I don't really want to be alone, but it's what works for now. I want to find someone... I don't know who it is or what they're like, but I want them to love me. Just another stupid teenage dream I suppose. I suffer from BHS - - Broken Heart Syndrome

(Lost and lonely.) [18 Feb 2005|09:36pm] In this romantic fairy tale, your love is MIA, and my heart is a POW. </3

(Lost and lonely.) [13 Feb 2005|01:15am] So.. yeah.. I love Dave again guys. Like crazy love. But this time it's so different. I saw him last Thursday when I skipped school. It was so weird. At first, we were strictly friends, talking about our sex lives outside one another, and our past and reminising and just talking about our lives since we broke up the last time... Friends. We went to the mall and hung out and stuff, ya know, the norm for friends and then he had my keys and wouldn't give them back and we did the whole awkward "I want to kiss you, but I can't so I'll stare into your eyes and lean closer and turn at the last second" thing... After that I got kinda quiet and just didn't talk really. We decided to go chill at the park like the good ol' days and just kill time. Once we got there he forced what was on my mind out of me. I miss him. And I hate the fact that he was with Kat. I just wanted to take his hands in mine and kiss all of his pain and confusion away and make everything better for him. He took me on his lap and told me he misses me too. And it happened. We kissed. And kissed. And kissed. (hehehe) I didn't want to leave his side. >> Fast forward to today >> I went to Kami's boyfriends show and took TONS of pictures.. They're good ones too. When they get all the pics online, I'll tell everyone about it. haha. Anyways, so Dave calls me while I'm at the show and I con Kami and Chris into taking me down there so I can see him and talk to him and... basically just be with him. He broke up with Kat tonight. (I know this is fucked up but... *does a little dance*) Just being around him and being able to hold his hands and be in his arms again... It was so... so RIGHT. It felt so perfect. Like I was made to fit into his arms. You guys, I want to be with him again so bad. I want to be Katie and Dave again like you have no idea. I want... I want things to work out again. I want to fall helplessly in love with him and... I dunno. I know this is scary.. but I want to make a life with him. My feelings haven't changed at all...I love him, guys.. I really do.

(Lost and lonely.) [30 Jan 2005|10:26pm] Wow.. I know.. I'm updating... shocks the hell outta me too... Most of you all know how dead set I am about not changing for anyone, but... okay.. there's this guy.. and he makes me want to be better. It scares me, especially because I haven't known him for that long. But there's something about him... *shrug* I don't know what to do with the whole situation.. he knows.. haha.. too much. Maybe I'm too much of a... thinker? Like, I have the tendancy to let the things on my mind get to me... and they do.. waaaay too much. And.. yeah, I feel the need to make people know how I feel. Blah... I'll scare him off eventually, I know it.. but I don't wanna. So.. I'm just going to go with the flow.... (Even though you guys know how much I hate the whole going with the flow thing. I need stability and reliability and PLANS... Blah.. ANYWAYS.. I got out of Ms. Sempkowski's class FINALLY... haha.. I'm in a regular english class now. As upsetting as it is for me to drop one of my advanced classes, I needed it. SO... sleepy time for the Katness... I totally heart you guys... like totally and completely.. Oh yeah.. I got my license on monday of last week.. hehe.. I'm all growed up now..:D

(Lost and lonely.) [17 Jan 2005|12:33am] According to the Which Something Corporate Song Are You? Test... Take the test, by Emily.

(1 | Lost and lonely.) [03 Jan 2005|01:27am] [ mood | crappy ] Mom and Dad are fighting for the first time in what seems like forever.. and it isn't about me. This is a bad one too... *sigh* Slowly, I feel the pain and loneliness creep back into my life. It didn't leave it entirely, but it's making it's presence known. I'm not by any means saying that I hate my life, because I don't... I just wish I could share it with someone. In the estimated 14 hours of music I have on this computer, I can't find a single song that'll make me feel better... :-/

(Lost and lonely.) [28 Dec 2004|03:37am] Sore throat from screaming your name. Bloodied fists from punching the wall in frustration. Tear stained cheeks from sobbing in pain. Maybe I’m in need of sedation.

(Lost and lonely.) [17 Dec 2004|10:16am] I have about 20 minutes to get all this out of my head and onto thise screen, so if it's a little confusing, bear with me, I won't have time to edit it. My Great Escape is scheduled to take place in three years after I'm out of school. I'm going to Ct. I'm going to live with Steven (yes, the exboyfriend). I'm going to get the fuck out of this place. For good. BUT... I'm afraid that it won't happen. I want it to, I really really want it to. But who knows what three years will do to us as people? Hmmmm.. *shrugs* I've been depressed again. No suprise there, correct? It is the holiday season, and I am alone, and I do have to deal with Kami talking about Chris all the time. I'm just depressed. Kami met someone, as I just mentioned. She's so happy. His name is Chris and he's this GIANT. He's 6'7". That's fucking tall. He's really sweet and suprisingly good looking (hah). It just... it sucks a lot. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm happy that her life is going so well for her and that's she's happy, but it's just such a change. Until recently, I was always the happy one, the one with the life that the other dreamed for and now, I know what it feels like to be her. We've talked about how our lives just made a major 360, and she realizes how hard it is for me to talk to her about Chris, and talk to her about how happy she is. I want to be there for her, I really do, but I don't think that I can listen to her happiness anymore without some serious concequences on my own mental health. And I know how selfish and horrible that sounds, and I know that I'm a mega bitch for feeling like that.... but I can't help it. Maybe I need a break. MAYBE Christmas without her will be good for me. For us. As a family. It's so sad, we can't stand to be around eachother that long, but we can't go a single say without talking. *shakes head* I don't know how we'll do this when she moves out. She says I'm moving out with her, but by the time she moves out, I'll only be 17 or even still be 16. It just.. wowo........... She has a date tongiht.. so does Brigitte.. and so do I? Well, I might. One of Chris's friends might come and hang out at the movies with all of us. Well two friends.. one for Brigitte and one for me. *shrug* confused. Okay... it took me long enough to type all that, I need to get hopping... (OH! and in explaination of the lack of entries, I have a regular paper and pen journal now that I'm putting a lot of my time into. I don't really feel like I need to come on here and tell the world about my life anymore... I just.. don't)

(2 | Lost and lonely.) [08 Dec 2004|01:44pm] Shit. Exactly what my life has been. If you look back throughout my journal's you'll see that every time I was depressed, I had drugs, sex, and cutting to run to, and now, I can't. It's so different this time. It looks like there's no end in sight. Sure, if you talk to me, I seem fine, but really... you guys.. I can't hang on much longer. Sure, they all think I'm okay, sure they all think I'm happy... I'm good at hiding shit. It's just personal termoil..... *shrugs* Don't listen to me. You know Brad? Yes, the same Brad I've been in love with for the past three years.. He said he had a crush on me... amazing, huh? Too bad he's my best friend in the world and we botjh realize we can't date because we'll loose our friendship. GOD DAMN IT. I hate realizing I have feelings for my friends. It really sucks. Really really really sucks. *sigh* I'm off to continue my day at home celebrating my dad's birthday... In just three days, it will be exactly one year since I started dating Dave. *sigh* More of a reason to be depressed...

(Lost and lonely.) [23 Nov 2004|10:37pm] Wow. This world is huge. Have you ever noticed that? For one person that cares, there's about a million who don't, and a million more who don't even know you exist. Depressing, huh? Today was an okay day. It could have been better. I hung out all day with my super hot friend Steven. Wowzers. This guy is GORGEOUS. He's tall, asian, AND.. he's got this pretty hair and this pretty lip ring, and and... just wow. Really not dating material.. but.. the verdict? I'd fuck 'im. Haha. WOW. I'm thirsty. That's all for tonight.. I must sleep at least a little.. I have a 14 hour day tomorrow.. (yikes)

(Lost and lonely.) [14 Nov 2004|04:04am] [ mood | cynical ] [ music | Broken-Seether (The good one without Amy Lee) ] Wowzers. It's a rediculous early/late time, depending on if you've been to sleep yet. I'm awake. Not wide awake, but awake enough to update you fuckers on my life. A lot of shit going on with Uncle John (not that any of you care, but I do, so sit back and listen you fuck heads). He's back at home with 24 hour care and there's no hope of him ever getting better. He's ready to die. How depressing is that? That someone is so willing and ready to just die. It isn't like he's killing himself or anything, but still, ya know? It's depressing. That's not even the half of it. He's being taken care of by 'care-givers' that are doing nine hour shifts and it just so happens this little bitch that is one of the care givers HATES my mother. My mom went over there a couple of nights ago and apparently she was 'rough' with Uncle John. Right. This man has been my mom's best friend for the past 5 years. AND apparently she stole some furniture polish from his house when the dirty cunt sent it home with my dad. When my mom and dad talked to the lady's supervisor, the lady said it was a racial thing because my mom had reffered to her own 'funny colored skin'. Jesus. Some people are just so eager to turn everything into a racial slur. Most of the few of you queers who still read this don't know what my mom looks like, but let us just say she isn't exactly the pale-est person I've ever seen. She's an indian and everyone else around her isn't so that's why she has the funny colored skin. It's gotten to the point with the care giver, that my mom can't go over there and be with my uncle john unless she has someone with her. She promised him she'd hold his hand when he... you know... 'passed'. She can't now. Because of that dirty fucking whore. My GOD! What the fuck has this fucking world come to? People are so uptight about skin color that everything anyone says is automaticly assumed to be offencive. I understand that we as human beings have the right to be comfortable where they work, but wrongfully accusing a family member of one of the patients of being a racist? THAT is somewhat rediculous. Even by today's standards. I'm so ashamed of society these days. Other than that how am I? Well, lets just say life hasn't been a fucking picnic recently. Ariel hates me. Oh well. Zac hates me. Who the fuck cares? Seems like everyone these days hates me... hmmm... Maybe I'm not one of those lovable types. *shrugs* Eh, what's a girl to do? Nothing. There isn't anything I can do. Just sit back and laugh at all those heartless, stupid, ignorant bastards who don't realize what they're missing. Romanticly or otherwise. Don't you people get it? The more you hate me, the less I care. *scoffs* I don't need people like them. Really, I don't. I have too much shit going on besides them to care. The funny thing? On one side, she'll sit and stare at me. On the other, he can't even look me in the eyes. Do you guys find that as amusing as I do? They're both immature, childish, ignorant, cold-hearted bastards (literally in one of their cases). Okay.. So I'm a wee bit full of anger. I haven't exactly had the best week. I lost my voice literally, and it's been a shitty week at work and school. I think I'm going to put my two weeks in and let Kami have my job. She needs it more than I do. At the same time, do I have the right to feel somewhat possesive? I mean, I did have the job first. And I did get her that job. *shakes head* I'm so fucking pissed off at the world.

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