|
|
Friday, May 5th, 2006
| |
10:07 am - MOVED ON
|
It's pretty obvious that I no longer update this journal.
You can find me at livejournal using the same name.
Thanks everyone!
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, August 3rd, 2005
| |
9:01 pm
|
|
| Monday, July 11th, 2005
| |
12:07 pm - My Weekend
|
My weekend pretty much sucked. I mean, there was some good things...but one really bad thing basically ruined it.
Good Things:
1> Watched movies: "Saw" and "Wit" both of which were pretty good.
2> Finally met up with Flakey Timm.
3> Had a nice Sunday afternon with my bestest friend Sindra.
However...I lost someone really important to me this weekend.
RIP Doozer...
You were my little grumpy old man...my favorite pet...I'll miss hearing your little paws pat across the kitchen floor...I'll miss hearing you ruffle through my clothes. Mommy loves you.
He died in his sleep. I pretty much knew it was going to happen...Saturday night I stayed home and had to help him get to his water and food. I put him under his blanket and told him it was okay to go to sleep and to not wake-up. That it was time for him to rest and to go to heaven.
The next morning I found him.
Thanks to everyone who has given me moral support. I know he's just some dumb pet...but I really loved him. And I'm pretty broken up about it.
This has been, by far, one of the hardest years of my life.
current mood:  depressed
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, June 29th, 2005
| |
4:52 pm - Humor Me
|
|
| Tuesday, June 28th, 2005
| |
5:58 pm - Ups and Downs
|
Oh, my goodness how life will do a 180 on you...
So...I guess its time for an update...and a confession...but firt the update:
Mr. J & Mr. D
Mr. J and I went on a couple of dates and did a lot of making out. The problem was that Mr. J was just so...small in stature and in body size. The guy is a pip-squeek and I constantly felt like I was about to break him. There's nothing that makes me feel fatter than dating a skinny guy.
Plus, he was sort of shy or...soft about the making out. It was like making out when I was 16...ackward and shy...When I am the one who has to be directing the action (putting his hand on my boob) and when I'm the aggressor...for the most part, I don't like it.
I want a man who will push me against the wall and ravage me...I want a man who knows what he wants and goes for it...I want a man who is fearless and takes risks.
I want everything that Sean was not.
Mr. D has been a royal pain in my ass but boy howdy I want to fuck the guy so bad I can taste it.
Mr. D is in the Army and therefore, flakey as all get out. We have spent many hours on webcam playing "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" and from what I can see...he's got an awsome dick. So it is obvious that we want to atleast make out and touch naughty bits...
So, I finally called him and said, "Look, let me buy you a drink and see what happens." This offer instigates a rather frank and candid discussion on what exactly it is that we are doing.
Mr. D: "I can't have anyone getting attached to me right now."
Me: "I know because you are leaving in 10months...so it would be pretty stupid of me to become attached, huh?"
Mr. D: (stunned silence) "Uh yeah...so I mean, while I really like you and think you are funny...I just don't want to hurt your feelings."
Me: "Listen, I'm not looking for a boyfriend, D, I'm looking for a few cool people to hang out with and have a good time. Let's be honest, I want to have sex with you...and I've done this before so I understand and respect your boundries."
Mr. D: "Wow...um...so you just want to use me for sex."
Me: "You are getting a drink out of it."
We ended up making plans to have a drink at around 8-9pm that night. But when I called him at around 7:45pm to confirm...he said he was at a buddy's house and wasn't going to leave that night.
Motherfucker.
So, I gave him shit and made him feel bad. We've chatted a few times and he wants to come over at the worse times. It's like "No, D, you can't come over right now...I've got guests."
Stupid flakey Army boys...but damn he's hot and I so want to fuck him.
The Others
I got bored on Saturday and called up this guy I met online named Dan...I'm not even going to bother giving him a monocre.
So, I call him up and he invites me over for a bbq with his buddies. I go over and he's a fun loving, cabana shirt wearing stoner. We start boozing and smoke a little and slowly but surely...I get fucking PLOWED...
I mean, I was totally trashed...and we went to the jacuzzi and we fuck around and then we get to bed and I fucking swear we had sex but he totaly denies it.
Next morning, hang-over central. We finally wake-up and we fuck again. And...you know...it was pretty good...not that bad. He's a very nice guy and wasn't treating me like shit and it was just a fun fuck.
However...I really don't want to make it a habit to have sex with guys when I'm that wasted...makes me a ho.
Its nice to know Dan is just a phone call away.
Finally, introducing Mr. T... He's a waiter at a resturant I go to often...and seemed like an upbeat and fun guy. My friend Sindra knows him so she gave him my number and after many weeks of phone tag we finally talked last night.
He seems like a pretty awsome guy...we have lots in common and he's pretty sweet. We'll hopefully get together for a drinkie sometime this week...if not the next.
And finally: THE CONFESSION
So, I had been chatting with the man online for a little bit. And unlke the majority of dickheads with keyboards, he didn't have a running monologue on various ways he'd like to fuck me.
In fact, this guy spoke in a refined and polite manner. He lives out in the bush of alaska and asked if he could take me to lunch the next time he was in town. I said yes (which really probably wasn't the smartest thing to do but I am lucky) and so we set a date.
I showed up at the resturant...a very swanky joint. He was waiting for me with Godiva chocolates and stargazer lillies. We greeted with a hug and proceeded to enjoy a delicious lunch that lasted for 2 1/2 hours. The two of us just talked and talked.
Then it came out...he was in fact married. The marriage had had some rough spots and that in some ways was on its last limb. He has a very gentle, soothing voice and beautiful blue eyes.
He's a 41 year old, pudgy man with a graying beard and a balding head. He's not unattractive but he's a far cry from George Clooney...but I trusted him and enjoyed our time very much. I felt so special in his precence.
After lunch, while he walked me to my car he asked if he could take me to dinner. I said yes and we departed.
Later that night, after some phone calls...he came and picked me up. I had changed into something prettier than what I wore to lunch. He showed up in a suit and tie. He escourted me very politly into the resturant.
But before we got to the resturant he mentioned to me that he had gone to Nordstroms to look for this purse I told him about. It's my dream purse and I'm really just waiting for a good excuse to buy it. He said he spent a while looking for it. So we stopped by Nordies and I found it in two seconds. I at first thought he was going to buy it for me but he didn't.
Dinner was devine. We had a couple of cocktails and listened to jazz before sitting down for the meal. At one point he reached across the table and I gave him my hand. When he got up to go to the restroom, he leaned over and kissed my cheek and stroked my hair. Upon his return he leaned down again and we kissed.
We were the last people to leave the resturant. We got in the truck and he said something like, "Every man in there was jealous of me." And we kissed for awhile. Then he asked if I would be interested in a drive...and I said yes.
We drove about 40 miles to this little town and then turned back around. We pulled over and had some of the hottest making out I've ever had.
Now, mind you, I haven't had sex at this point since Sean...which was at least 2 months ago...and holy crap I'd been so horny I wanted to hump my furniture. This guy got me so riled up I was vibrating.
We drive back to my place and we make out some more...then we get out and it is raining and he has me pressed up againt the wrought iron fence and we're going at it...then I get into the laundry room (which leads to my front door) and we nearly fuck in there...but we don't...but holy crap I wanted to fuck him but didn't know him and stuff. So after doing all sorts of shit...I manage to fumble with my keys...get through the door and say good night. My knees were weak, I was huffing and puffing and I was...all...a flutter.
Fast forward, he returns to town on a Wednesday night earlier then expected and calls me up. He stops by my house unannounced (grrr) and is acting all nervous. I show him around and he departs to go check into his hotel. We plan to meet there in an hour or so.
I pack my shit...and head to his hotel...he tells me to use the valet parking (woot) and to just go straight to his room. I do so...he's totally sweet to me...and makes me a cocktail and we watch the sun set over the inlet and talk. I'm relaxed...and we are talking about the situation...and he pops the question: Will you be my mistress?
Yes...I will be his mistress. We fool around...then we fuck...then I pass out for maybe two hours...then its time to go to work so we fuck more and he buys me breakfast.
I go to work and am totally in a daze...have been up for more than 24 hours with just 2 hours rest. Its lunch so I go back to the hotel room and we have AMAZING sex...twice. I run back to work and am sore and tired and light headed.
After work he picks me up at home and takes me to dinner. Nothing too fancy. We go for a brief drive and talk more about what it means for me to be his mistress...what boundries must be respected...his marriage...blah blah blah.
We go to the airport and check in...he magically gets me through security and we hang out in the VIP lounge drinking martinis and cuddling. It is time for me to go...so he escourts me to a taxi and hands me a bill saying, "This is all I have for cabfair." Not looking at the bill I say, "That's okay I have a credit card and can pay the difference." And he goes, "No, its the opposite problem." I look down and there's a $100 bill in my hand. I refuse it...but he insists and tells me to buy something sexy and lacy with the change.
And I go home.
So...yeah...I'm his mistress now. Here's some of the rules of being this man's mistress:
1> Sometimes he won't be able to hold my hand, introduce me or be phsyically affectionate with me.
2> I'm allowed to see other people...but no unprotected sex with anyone else.
3> I don't inquire about his marriage and he doesn't inquire about my dates.
4> I'm not a prostitute.
5> He is my priority when he is in town. I cancel dates...I cancel plans...and he is my focus.
6> The only thing that is my business is what goes on between us...whatever he does or says to other people is his business. (I made this rule)
7> Everything is on the down-low.
This has always been a fantasy of mine...to be an older man's mistress...his lover. And I figured...when will the opportunity present itself again? I won't be with him forever...but for now I think I'll enjoy the ride.
In September we will be flying to Los Angeles for 1 week. First class...
So...maybe I'm being a bit of a hooker...the sex IS good...and I like feeling worshipped.
How's that for an update?
current mood:  accomplished
|
|
(3 comments | comment on this)
|
| Monday, June 6th, 2005
| |
5:27 pm - UPDATE A'HOY!
|
Hey Everyone...
So...If you all would just go to LJ then I wouldn't be so tardy on updating my blurty. I know...I know...I suck.
So...here's the scoop on me!
1> Sean and I broke up. After 1 1/2 years together Sean decided to break off our relationship due to his issues with himself. Sure, his entire life was up in their, he had no stability and was stressing out...so the logical decision was to break away from the one constant and supportive person in his life.
Makes sense to me...NOT.
( All Up in the Break Up )
2> Now that I'm back in the wonderful world of dating...you can bet your sweet ass I've been busy. I have at the moment two major prospects...Mr. J and Mr. D.
Mr. J I met through a friend of mine...He works with her. Anyway, he's skinny, nerdy, and super sweet. He makes me laugh and we have a good time together. He's got potential.
Mr. D I met just recently...okay Saturday night at a bar...however, keep in mind that bars have been good luck for me. He's a big guy, italian with dark skin and lots of chest hair. He's an excellent kisser...has big strong hands and tats for days.
Compared to Mr. J...Mr. D is like the incredible hulk however, Mr. J is smarter and sweeter. We will see.
Mr. D and I will probably hang out this weekend...Mr. J and I will also see eachother sometime this week.
Did I mention my online soldier boyfriend who is in Iraq? Yeah...talk about shit about to hit the fan. God willing I can juggle all these balls (no pun intended) without anyone getting hurt.
Who is in the lead? Mr. J.
3> Moving on Job Wise...I've been talking this talk for awhile...but now I've actually applied for some positions and there's another one I'm going to apply for sometime this week. I think my boss sort of knows that I need to move on...perhaps because I'm a total bitchy cunt to him throughout the day.
4> Oh Did you all know about me getting robbed? Yeah it still sucks.
5> Shaved my knuckle off.
6> My gerbil died.
AND...oh gosh there's more...just go to www.behindthered.blogspot.com or go to my LJ.
In Conclusion
Here's an emo poem I wrote about Sean and I:
Lover, Upon Leaving Home
Lover, it is too late.
The golden hour of redemption's past
and all that remains are angry scraps
Of conversations and disappointed glances.
Desperation resided in our hand holds
Too afraid to let go but too slick to stay
Grasping you I know that no matter what
You were never mine
And you were never your own.
My heart sits deep within the cavity of my soul
And it sings a lullaby to our memories.
Sleep, it says, for you are no longer wanted
And you are no longer at home.
Lover, I will remember our tangled limbs,
Our salty kisses amongst fearful tears.
I will be standing somewhere distracted
By a moment long ago between us,
The four walls of the bedroom humming
As we made our home in the sheets
Of my bed on a Sunday morning.
My bed, empty will welcome me.
I will find one day another set of approving eyes
Washing me with admiration and splendor.
And you will be a whisper's whisper among
The archives of my life almost forgotten
But still beating wings in the cage of my heart.
current mood:  lethargic
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Monday, April 18th, 2005
| |
9:20 am
|
|
| Thursday, April 14th, 2005
| |
10:51 am - THIS WEEK IN CHELSEA HISTORY
|
|
| Monday, April 11th, 2005
| |
12:18 pm - Here is the shit storm...
|
Man...when it rains it pours...
So, here's the scoop...Sean and I have hit a rough spot...and by rough spot I mean "Holy Crap!"
Basically, things for Sean haven't been too great. His contract is up next month which means he will be without work. On top of this, he's been having a hard time finding another job, his upstairs neighbor is a freaking gorilla, and then there's us...and being in a relationship is work.
I guess it was all too much. Ever since the break-in (in my opinion) Sean seemed to get more and more distant. Our sex life came to a screeching hault, he'd become more despondant and distant...and I started to feel really insecure. He'd pull away and I'd pull him closer. He stopped calling me, so I called him more...he was depressed...I was overly cheerful...he wasn't feeling sexual...I became over-sexual. It all seemed wrong but I couldn't make it stop. I didn't want to say anything because I knew he was depressed and I didn't want to make it worse. I simply didn't know what to do so I just waited for the inevitable...That's when Monday night showed up.
I stopped by his place because my nutty mother sent me a package with gifts for Sean. After we looked at stuff he turned to me and said the most horribly sentence known to man, "I need to tell you something." Oh great...
Sean: I know I've been acting sort of weird lately and that you are worried about me. I've been doing some research and I've come to the conclusion that I'm depressed...like really depressed. I don't know what to do about. Different therapist? Different medication? Going away to a clinic? I don't know.
Me: Okay
Sean: The other night, it felt great just to put everything aside and work on getting my resume done. It felt really good to focus on one thing.
Me: Okay
Sean: And I haven't been sleeping, I haven't enjoyed anything I usually enjoy.
Me: I know.
Sean: So, I think I need a break.
Me: (silent)
Sean: I need some time to just work on myself and get myself together.
Me: (internally freaking out)
Sean: I'm sorry, Chelsea.
Me: Is this a "I need some time alone" break? Or is this a prelude to a break-up break? Because if it's a prelude...let's just get this over.
Sean: No, no...I just need to get better...before I lose you.
Then it became Cry-Fest 2005...the two of us just sat there and talked about the relationship. How he STILL can't say he loves me...how I don't know how much longer I can take it...how he "doesn't feel" and I know this. I started stating things not just for him to hear but for me to hear as well.
I need to be loved.
I need to feel secure.
If he can't provide those things to me...then I can't be in the relationship anymore.
So...we talked more...about what commitment means...about how he wants to get better so he can start the next chapter of his life. "I have to shit or get off the pot, Chelsea. I'm either in it or I'm not."
After I finished crying...I told him that I'm proud of him for doing what he needs to do to feel better. That I'm glad he was honest with me and talked to me and most of all, "You aren't alone, Sean. I'm here for you and you are never alone." Then we spent 10 minutes just holding eachother. He'd play with my hair...hold my hand...hand me tissues.
I don't know what is going to happen. At first I tried really hard to be cool and just be like, "I can survive anything." But then Tuesday night I started to semi-freakout. Then Wednesday I was a snot ridden mess. I had a full blown freak-out...I started to think maybe Sean is so depressed that he's going to kill himself...then I thought maybe it really is over between us. I started to mourn the loss of my relationship even though we hadn't broken-up. Sean doesn't want to be with me...I'm going to end up single...AGAIN.
But I love Sean so much. After talking to my best friend Tom and to my friend Effie...both with different points of view on the matter...I'm feeling a little better. Tom pointed out that we DID NOT break-up and that I gave Sean a chance to step out of the relationship but he didn't leave. Then he said guys are providers and Sean is in a place where he can't financial provide for me, nor can he emotionally. So he needs some time and space to focus on those areas so that he can be a better boyfriend to me. I guess that's how guys work.
Effie agreed with everything Tom said but pointed out that Sean, while being a very kind and good person, might not be good husband material. "What if you get married and you have a baby and he freaks out and leaves you?" I said, "What if I get cancer?" "No, it isn't the same. You know, Chelsea, that you want to have a baby and that you want to get married. Don't get married to him if you even doubt he wants the same thing. Don't waste your time. Even if Lamar (her boyfriend) leaves me, I know he will be 100% there for his children." Yes, it's true...Sean has a lot NOT going for him, but then...so do I. I'm not exactly a walking monument to mental health.
I want to have kids most of all. I'd like marriage..only because it sounds like a good idea. But if I had to choose one over the other...I'd choose children.
I am meant to be a mother. I've known this since I was very young. If I didn't have kids, it would be a waste of my life.
So, I've had my big boo-hoos. I've been tempted to call him or email him, but have managed not to. I have to respect his wish for time and space. We agreed on 2 weeks and I told him if he needed to talk then to call me.
So I'm waiting. I went to an Al-Anon meeting on Tuesday to reconnect with my support system. I'm trying to approach Sean's depression like I dealt with my Mom's drinking...I'm applying the 12 Steps to this hardship and giving it to God. "Let go..and Let God."
Step 1: I admitted I am powerless over Sean's depression and that my life has become unmangeable.
Step 2: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore me to sanity.
Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Etc. Etc. Etc.
So, hopefully, we will get through this and that a new chapter in our relationship will begin. However, there is a chance that it won't work...that either he or I will have to step away from the sinking ship and say "We just can't save this." and move on with our lives. I love him so much...I hope that no matter what he's in my life in some capacity.
Right now...I just miss him. I'm so used to talking with him. I have this weekend with no big plans stretched out before me and I am afraid of wasting the opportunity to be alone and get things done...but am sad that I even have that opportunity. I'd much rather lose another weekend to cuddling, sleeping, running errands and doing chores alongside my love, Sean.
current mood:  anxious
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Thursday, March 24th, 2005
| |
4:34 pm
|
Bacardi 151
Congratulations! You're 137 proof, with specific scores in beer (40) , wine (150), and liquor (113). |
| All right. No more messing around. Your knowledge of alcohol is so high that you have drinking and getting plastered down to a science. Sure, you could get wasted drinking beer, but who needs all those trips to the bathroom? You head straight for the bar and pick up that which is most efficient. |
 |
My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
|
You scored higher than 76% on proof |
|
You scored higher than 84% on beer index |
|
You scored higher than 99% on wine index |
|
You scored higher than 98% on liquor index |
|
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, March 23rd, 2005
| |
3:54 pm - GET RENTERS INSURANCE
|
Alright...I think I'm in a place where I can finally sit down and tell ya'll about my exciting experience being robbed.
First let's get some questions out of the way:
- I'm fine...I wasn't home when it happened.
- They stole all my jewelry and all my laundry money.
- I filed a police report.
- It's the third suckiest thing that has ever happened to me in my life so far.
Anyway, so I come home on Thursday night from a pleasent evening at Humpy's getting wasted in celebration of National Everyone Is Irish Day (St. Patty's) and noticed that my front door was locked in a way I NEVER lock it...However, it is the way the plumber locks my door after he's done work in my place. Hmmm...okay.
So I get into my place and noticed my bedroom door was ajar. I run over and look in and BAM...my big brown beautiful jewelry box is GONE. I call up my landlord (who is as smart as a bag of hammers) and I fucking flip out on her...because I thought maybe the maintenance guy or the plumber stole my shit. So then she tells me to calm down and check my windows. And that's when I saw the blinds to my bedroom window were mussed up. I pulled open the blinds and notice the window has been opened...that there is mud everhwere...and I realized it...
Strangers have been into my apartment. And they took my jewelry.
So, I call the cops, then I call my boyfriend, then I call my family. Then I start making a list of all the jewelry that I can remember from that case.
How did they do it? They pried open the bars on my window, and the latch on my window never really worked so they just had to use some elbow grease and they pushed it open and got it. From the space between the pried bars...it was either a leprachon, a child or a crackhead that got in.
The cops finger-printed and took pictures. My landlord came over...as well as my weirdo upstairs neighbor. Sean showed up and sort of just stood there looking exhausted and hung-over...he didn't know what to do...but he was there...and that was all that mattered.
It physically hurts me to think of what they stole. I mean, my heart breaks over it. That night I was full of sarcasm and humor. I was cracking jokes and acting non-chalant about the whole thing...sort of, "Well, shit that sucks" about it. But the next day I woke-up and imediatly the images of my stolen treasures came tumbling into my mind. The silver broach made with marcarsite and amathest in the shape of thistle, the miniature painting broach I bought in Florence, Italy...so on and so on. Gifts, heirlooms, momentos of travels to foreign countries..gone and being sold so some kid can pump his veins with the dirtiest drug on the planet.
Anyway...so Friday was my day to cry like a bitch. I spent most of the morning just sitting in a daze...and trying to make my house a little more manageable. I stopped by two pawn shops in my neighborhood and let them know what happened...and I went to work for awhile. When I got home I called my mom and cried somemore about the whole situation. Sean showed up and I was totally immobile. I was too exhausted (mentally, emotionally, physically) to make dinner or clean my house. So...he did. I sat on the couch and felt sad and Sean cleaned my house...he even vacuumed. (SQUEE!) Then we ordered pizza, watched a movie and I got stoned.
The next day, Sean had a hike to go on...and I decided to just have a "Me" day. So, I spent the morning watching Sex and the City dvds and playing with Sculpey clay. (I actually made something too! I'll take a picture of it.) Then I went to the Dimond center, watched a movie for free (I get these vouchers in the mail as a secret shopper for movie theaters), and I had a pedicure.
Later, Sean and I hooked up chilled out more. Eh, it was just sort of boring...but in a good way.
As time goes by...it gets...not so much easier but normal. I haven't done anything in my room. The mud and figerprint dust is still on the windowsill, the big gaping space where my jewelry box is still there...and I still get sick when I think of all that was stolen.
My window got fixed, and I'm going to buy drapes and dowels (to prevent the windows being pushed open). I'll be driving to Wasilla to see if the Pawn shops up there have anything...and I'll be dropping off my list of stuff with other pawn shops in town. However, everyone of any authority on the subject of stolen items says the chances of me ever finding my jewelry is slim to none.
My topaz and diamond ring my mother gave me...my matching bracelet I bought in Jamaica...my mother's gold cross she wore as a kid that has little teeth marks from her chewing on it...the earings my uncle bought me...all my pendants...all my broaches...all my chains...gone...I can't even tell you how much it hurts me. Its not that they worth lots of money (which they were) but that I was responsible for the care of these treasures and under my care they were stolen.
I'm embarrassed...I'm ashamed...I'm starting to feel angry and not just sad. I miss my treasures...
---
I've started buying jewelry again though...mostly costume crap...hoping that shopping would serve as a salve on my broken heart. But actually, looking at jewelry makes me think of what was taken and then I get upset. So, the jewelry shopping doesn't last long at all. I really want my stuff back.
---
My mom was saying that I should pray for the assholes who stole my stuff...because how shitty is their life where stealing is not only okay but necessary. No, I don't want to pray for them...I don't want to ask God to forgive them...mostly because I'm not ready to "rise above it" and because I know very little of God and have no idea if he even passes any judgement (good or bad) upon our lives. I'm trying really hard to "give it to God" without also telling God to shove it. Experiences like these really afford me the opportunity to question...not the existence of God (for I have no doubt of his existence) but rather the nature of God.
In Al-Anon we say that the Higherpower wants good things for us...over, in my life experiences so far...I've found too many Not Good experiences have occured to really believe that. Sure, we can say that there's a silverlining to all dark clouds, and I believe that...but I don't think finding the good in the bad is attributed to God so much as attributed to positive thinking. Shitty stuff is more bearable when we can find something good in it. I also do not believe in an evil force superior or equal to God...that is...the devil. I think it odd that God would create a foe that at times can trump his all-powerfulness...even if for moments. See, I believe that God is the creator of EVERYTHING...and if he is the creator of EVERYTHING that include evil...I also believe God is ALL KNOWING...and if he KNOWS ALL...He knows that bad shit is going down...because he made that bad shit.
So, is there a hell? Is there a heaven? I had a dream after my brother died...and in it we were walking through a garden and Ryan was wearing white and I asked what it all meant...what did his death mean? Why did it happen? And Ryan said that "This is not it....this life is not all there is...there is a rebirth."
That rebirth could mean so many things...but it leads me to believe there is no hell and quite possibly there is no heaven. Perhaps the rebirth is that our energy is sent out into the cosmos and made into a star...maybe it means we are reborn as dirt...I don't know...but the idea of heaven is just too good to be true.
I don't think its fair to say god is only good...I don't think that's very mature...the fact is...God is everything...he's the shit and the sun...he's the birth and the death...he's the joy and the pain. And I struggle daily...trying to have faith in something that kills babies and lets women be raped and created mental illness like schizophrenia and pedophilia. I believe in God...I'm just not sure if I like him.
So, yeah, I'm sure some great life lesson will come of all this. I'm confident that not only will I get over this...but I'll be stronger and wiser person for it. Hey, I've been through worse...but that doesn't mean I don't hurt now...and it doesn't mean that I will forever remember the day my safe little apartment was violated and my family's treasures were stolen.
In conclusion: I'd like to send a big FUCK YOU to the crackheads who stole my shit.
current mood:  aggravated
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, March 22nd, 2005
| |
10:41 am - Life Experiences
|
Bold the ones you've done.
01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said 'I love you' and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Done a striptease
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
19. Touched an iceberg
20. Slept under the stars
21. Changed a baby's diaper
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
23. Watched a meteor shower
24. Gotten drunk on champagne
25. Given more than you can afford to charity
26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
28. Had a food fight
29. Bet on a winning horse
30. Taken a sick day when you're not ill.
31. Asked out a stranger and been accepted
32. Had a snowball fight
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
35. Held a lamb
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip
38. Taken an ice cold bath
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
40. Seen a total eclipse
41. Ridden a roller coaster
42. Hit a home run
43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
48. Had two hard drives for your computer
49. Visited all 50 states
50. Loved your job for all accounts
51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
53. Had amazing friends
54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
55. Watched wild whales
56. Stolen a sign
57. Backpacked in Europe
58. Taken a road-trip
59. Rock climbing
60. Lied to foreign government's official in that country to avoid notice
61. Midnight walk on the beach
62. Sky diving
63. Visited Ireland
64. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
66. Visited Japan
67. Benchpressed your own weight
68. Milked a cow
69. Alphabetized your records
70. Pretended to be a superhero
71. Sung karaoke
72. Lounged around in bed all day
73. Posed nude in front of strangers
74. Scuba diving
75. Got it on to "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
76. Kissed in the rain
77. Played in the mud
78. Played in the rain
79. Gone to a drive-in theater
80. Done something you should regret, but don't regret it
81. Visited the Great Wall of China
82. Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better
84. Started a business
85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
86. Toured ancient sites
87. Taken a martial arts class
88. Swordfought for the honor of a woman.
89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
90. Gotten married
91. Been in a movie
92. Crashed a party
93. Loved someone you shouldn't love
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy
95. Gotten divorced
96. Had sex at the office
97. Gone without food for 5 days
98. Made cookies from scratch
99. Won first prize in a costume contest
100. Ridden a gondola in Venice
101. Gotten a tattoo
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on
103. Rafted the Snake River
104. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
105. Got flowers for no reason
106. Masturbated in a public place
107. Got so drunk you don't remember anything
108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug
109. Performed on stage
110. Been to Las Vegas
111. Recorded music
112. Eaten shark
113. Had a one-night stand
114. Gone to Thailand
115. Seen Siouxsie live
116. Bought a house
117. Been in a combat zone
118. Buried one/both parents
119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off
120. Been on a cruise ship
121. Spoken more than one language fluently
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
123. Bounced a check
124. Performed in Rocky Horror
125. Read - and understood - your credit report
126. Raised children
127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
128. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
129. Created and named your own constellation of stars
130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
132. Called or written your Congress person
133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
134. ...more than once? - More than thrice?
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
137. Had an abortion or your female partner did
138. Had plastic surgery
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
140. Wrote articles for a large publication
141. Lost over 100 pounds
142. Held someone while they were having a flashback
142a. Had a flashback
143. Piloted an airplane
144. Petted a stingray
145. Broken someone's heart
146. Helped an animal give birth
147. Been fired or laid off from a job
148. Won money on a T.V. game show
149. Broken a bone
150. Killed a human being
151. Gone on an African photo safari
152. Ridden a motorcycle
153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of 100mph or faster?
154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
157. Ridden a horse
158. Had major surgery
159. Had sex on a moving train
160. Had a snake as a pet
161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
164. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
165. Visited all 7 continents
166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
167. Eaten kangaroo meat
168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground
169. Been a sperm or egg donor
170. Eaten sushi
171. Had your picture in the newspaper
172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime
173. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
174. Gotten someone fired for their actions
175. Gone back to school
176. Parasailed
177. Changed your name
178. Petted a cockroach
179. Eaten fried green tomatoes
180. Read The Iliad
181. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them
183. ...and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
184. Taught yourself an art from scratch
185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
187. Skipped all your school reunions
188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
189. Been elected to public office
190. Written your own computer language
191. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
193. Built your own PC from parts
194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
195. Had a booth at a street fair
196: Dyed your hair
197: Been a DJ
198: Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal
199: Been robbed or mugged
200: Been arrested
---
Update to come soon, promise.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Thursday, March 17th, 2005
| |
3:51 pm - Time Machine - From My Space
|
20 years ago I...
1. found out my parents were getting divorced
2. got a canape bed
3. loved my barbies more than life
10 years ago I...
1. had a great group of friends
2. won my first trophy
3. went to my brothers funeral
5 years ago I...
1. had surgery for the first time
2. fell in love for the first time
3. decided to run away from home
3 years ago I...
1. moved into my first apartment
2. left Bakersfield and moved to Anchorage, AK
3. graduated from college
1 year ago I...
1. started dating my boyfriend, Sean
2. realized my mother was an addict and there's nothing I could do about it.
3. went snowshoeing for the first time
In the last year I...
1. decided to leave my job
2. gained 10 lbs
3. chose love over fear
Yesterday I...
1. saw The Life Equatic with Steve Zizzou
2. went on a double date
3. hated myself
Today I...
1. unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher
2. got an ink stain on my shirt
3. broke a nail
Tomorrow I will...
1. turn in dvds to Blockbuster
2. send a package to my Grandpa
3. snuggle with the boyfriend
In the next year I will...
1. visit my Grandma again
2. find a new job
3. get a new couch
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, March 16th, 2005
| |
4:39 pm - self-pity parade
|
I dunno...the last few days I've been sort of blue...Yesterday I nearly cried three times and I've almost cried once today.
Yesterday my first bout of crying came when I was talking to Sean about his conversation with his Mom. Basically, his mom wants him to move back to Cali so that she can "help him" and she will NOT STOP PESTERING HIM. So he's telling me about this and I start getting a little freaked and try to tell him that he shouldn't move there because he needs to OWN his life and not hand it to someone else. We keep talking about it and then he goes, "Don't worry, Chelsea, I'm not leaving...I'm not going back to California." And I started to weep. He didn't know I was crying and I said I had to go...but WTF?
Then we were watching Sex and the City and there was a scene were this guy tells Samantha that her snatch is a bit hairy and she needs a wax. I said something like "I'd be mortified...that's a big fear for me." And Sean goes, "What that someone will say something about your..." and he pointed to my crotch and I said, "Yes" and started to cry and his response was to RECOIL IN MORTAL FEAR. Grrr...
So anyway, I'm blue...I can't pinpoint why exactly. But here's what I've got on my list of reasons why I'm sad:
1> I hate my job more and more everyday. I slack off and am afraid it will eventually catch up with me.
2> I'm not skinny and for some reason that makes me feel horrible. Seriously, I think I'm a fat pig. I want so badly to get lipo I can barely stand it. I'll write more about this body thing...but simply...If I had the willpower I'd starve.
3> I hate myself for being so petty about my weight. Why can't I just say, "I'm a sexy girl with curves!" The Answer: I think that's bullshit.
4> Why won't Sean tell me he loves me?
5> I miss my brother...
6> My mom has never come to see me in Alaska and I'm betting that she never will.
7> I think I'm addicted to shopping.
Hurrah! I'm lame. I am so amazingly lame. It's funny what triggers the whole "I'm a fat cow" sequence. Usually, a shirt doesn't fit me anymore...or my jeans are tight...or I see my tummy sticking out. I wish I could just choose a fucking diet and stick to it. I DO NOT WANT TO BE 260lbs EVER AGAIN! I did the atkins thing but really...its nearly impossible to do it when you are around someone who is NOT doing it. GOD! He sits there and eats waffles...I'm stuck snacking on a steak. BLEH!
So, basically, my days are spent avoiding actual work, pretending I'm working, and mentally beating myself up over the fact that I'm not a size 12.
Life is grand, ya? I'm starting to reconsider my old diet of: vitamins, diet pills, green tea and anything less than 100 cals. I remember the week I attempted only 700 cals a day. I ended up really sick...but atleast I tried.
Okay...change of subject...
Guys Still Like Me
So, I go into Joann fabrics yesterday for sculpy clay...and there's this pretty cute guy that works there. He's super tall and has tattoos and looks like an ex-con but with all his teeth. We've chatted a couple of times while he's ringing me up. What is this meathead working at JoAnn's for? His mom is the manager (collective "oh right"). So yesterday he's ringing me up and we started this tet-a-tet.
Me: You are so lucky to be ringing me up!
Him: Yeah, it's really made my day.
Me: See, the cool thing is...I know that about me.
Him: Well, thank you for being you.
Me: You're welcome.
Him: My week is now complete.
Me: Mine too.
Him: Your name is Chelsea, right?
Me: Yes it is.
Him: My little girl's name is Chelsea.
Me: Is it spelled "ea" or "ey"?
Him: "ea"
Me: Ah, good the right way.
Then we were chatting about craftiness. I've been focusing on becoming more crafty and try to make something every week or so. Last week, I crochetted a hat (woot) and I told him that. So it turns out that he crochets as well (weird) and even teaches classes at this yarn store on spenard. So then he says he wants to show me this pattern he's working on and me being the total DALT that I am go "Okay" and we go to the back of the store. But he forgot the pattern. Then he's all "Sorry about that" and I said it wasn't a big deal and I start to leave and he's saying something like "I'll see you around then?" And I was all "Yeah sure."
I know I know...I was flirting. But I didn't mean to. I'm a flirt by nature...I flirt with EVERYONE who is receptive to it...girls...guys...dogs...hedgehogs...I don't care...I just love to flirt. But the thing is...now this guy thinks I'm all wanting him. Which...would be fine if I WASN'T MADDLY IN LOVE WITH SEAN.
So later in the day the guy shows up at my office. YIKES! And asks for my business card and says "Maybe we can go out to lunch" and I like a dumbass go "Okay."
Don't worry...I've already told Sean about the guy...so that's out in the open. And I already know what I'm going to say to him when/if he asks me out to lunch "Sorry, I've got plans with my BOYFRIEND...that is THE MAN I AM EXCLUSE WITH AND FUCK ON A REGULAR BASIS AND AM NOT GOING TO CHEAT ON." I think that's pretty clear, yes?
Sex and the City: Addiction #28
I gave up my cable tv awhile ago in an effort to be more crafty and spend less time rotting in front of the tv. The end result: I rent more movies than God. I started to watch the Sex and the City season five dvd...mostly just during my lunchbreak at home...and got hooked. I couldn't wait...I've gone to Blockbuster and have rented several seasons...and am NOT watching them in order (it's more intellectually stimulating that way).
I have to say...I love it...I love it a lot. I can't really relate to a single character but as a whole I totally relate. We have a little of each woman in us...that's the whole point. I remember the first time I saw the show years and years ago...and I thought "This sucks! They are all uppity whores." But after living on my own for awhile and being single for a long long while...I can totally understand what's going on.
PS: My favorite is Miranda...but Mr. Big makes me squishy...Ugh...I want one of those...Mr. Big...PLEASE!
Off to the movies...
Am going on a double date with a friend of mine and her boyf. Haven't really hung-out exclusivly with this chica but so far she strikes me as super cool and very funny. And she's got the prettiest hands this side of the North Pole...I can say that because I'm her spa product consultant...so there.
PPS: I got a Nordstroms credit card...HELP!
current mood:  sad
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Thursday, March 10th, 2005
| |
10:53 am
|
|
| Wednesday, March 9th, 2005
| |
9:52 am - Me So Sexy
|
|
| Tuesday, March 1st, 2005
| |
9:05 am - Crayon
|
You are |
|
That doesn't surprise me...I love a good spanking now and then!
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Monday, February 7th, 2005
| |
8:33 am - Lookie an Update
|
La La La...I'm updating my LJ and my Blurty!!! WOW!
So...let's see...just a few quick notes on totally random things:
#1 I've decided I no longer want to be a Secretary and I'm going to start looking for a new job.
Of course, my boss has no idea about this. But honestly, I simply don't care about what I'm doing here. Even the part of the job I do like more than anything else...I've become complacent about it...that is the Event Planning. For example, I have an event this month that I made up out of the blue called the "Women's Winter Relief Fair" which basically is a cabin fever reliever fair for women. There will be information booths on classes, small business opportunities and volunteer groups. I think it sounds pretty cool...but I never seem to whip up enough interest by those invited...and always have a half-hearted group of people show up for the show. In other words, I'm tired of hitting my head against the wall. Plus, I've decided that I hate: filing, typing, answering phones, writing receipts, sending out memos and all things accounting.
Whatever job I get next, I really don't want it to be a secretary job. As I told Sean the other day, I will consider an office managment job as long as it is a move up for me...not a lateral move. I am considering going into radio/tv ad sales because the money is fairly decent.
#2 I'm looking into graduate school.
Well, I've started looking into getting a Masters...preferably in Psychology but my therapist told me to consider getting one in social work because it is a much more flexible degree. I guess I hesitate to go into that field because I have a preconcieved notion of what being a Social Worker means. I envision some haggared woman with graying hair in a sack dress and faded cardigan frustrated and overworked. But apparently you can have a private counciling practice if you have a MSW. So, we'll see...I'm sort of freaked out about the idea and feel self-doubt about the ability to handle the demands of college...especially since I have the feeling I really just scated through my undergraduate degree. I mean, I don't think I read an entire book even though I have a degree in Literature.
#3 Visiting the Folks in Cali
My visit to California was awsome and I'm so glad I went. I had a great time and really enjoyed every moment of it. In addition, I bought a small fortune in clothes, housewares, brittish food and more misc. crap. My mom was so healthy and normal (for her) and I had a great time visiting with friends and stuff.
So...I look forward to going back again...and not just for the shopping.
#4 Boyfriend and Me
So, yeah, Sean and I are still together...for over a year. We've been through a lot over the past couple of months. One night we nearly broke up...he had a total breakdown and said that "I just don't love you like you love me" and we both totally broke down and cried and cried for hours and we talked about all sorts of things and I finally realized: Sean has severe depression and anxiety. He works himself into a fever and ends up freaking out and breaking down. Imagine his thinking like a hamster on a wheel...it just goes and goes and goes. Poor guy...but I can't say it didn't hurt that he said he doesn't love me. However, I do feel loved by him...I don't feel deprived...
Since then we've had lots of good discussions. I, myself, experience moments of doubt but then I talk to him and realize I have no doubt at all and I totally adore him, once again. Last night I asked him if he's glad that we didn't break-up that one night and he said yes, definetly and that he's very happy to have me in his life...and that just makes feel all squishy on the inside.
If you want to visit my website: www.behindthered.blogspot.com there's even more blather there.
Also, I do most of my posting on LJ nowadays...same username as here.
current mood:  satisfied
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, February 1st, 2005
| |
8:52 am - woot
|
|
| Tuesday, November 9th, 2004
| |
10:02 am - Interesting
|
You are...........
Hunter S. Thompson (aka Raoul Duke). You sweat
rivers, you consume large amounts of drugs and
alcohol on a daily basis. You talk to fast, you
wear large sunglasses and slack off on your job
but in the end your work is eloquent and
original. Only one down point : Your logic is
completely insane and circular.
Fear and Loathing : Which Drug Addled Freak Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
|
|
|
nostalgic
