Chloe's Journal

Thursday, February 12, 2009

3:10PM - 25 random things about me...

Not that anyone care... but to kill the time... why not

1.)I have a new facination for YouTube and i think it's actually almost smarter than Google.
2.)I love art of all forms
3.)I have a phoebia of being tickled. i will die. its scary. the squealy noises i make are cute, ya, but they mean death. so dont do it.
4.)I still have my old elementary era habit of eating PB&J like an oreo. Dip it in milk. (i know...)
5.)I taught my cat how to play fetch. It's badass.
6.)Shopping at Goodwill has worked to my advantage. You should try it.
7.)I need to go running...badly. Being inactive gives me anxiety...
8.)Mayo and Ketchup are FIRE together on a chicken sandwich.
9.)I beleive you can lose touch with who you really are but redemption is possible yet very difficult.
10.)I am a true believer in fate.
11.)Lights turn off around me all the time every day. It's creepy, but I dont mind.
12.)I have this thing with finding fake keys. Well really the keys find me. It's odd.
13.)I'm THE best at finding change on the ground.
14.)I have the best most supportive family anyone could ask for and im appreciative
15.)I have 7 piercings. And 0 tattoos.
16.)I have fantasies about bradly nowell.
17.)I sleep naked
18.)I MISS DANCING
19.)The beach is my one and only love who will always be there for me
20.)I've been in love 3 times...though sometimes i question that becuase each time seems to root more deeply than the last. Maybe i still have yet to be in love.
21.)My biggest flaw is my inability to NOT care. and i hate it. SO much...
22.)sigmund freud is my idol
23.)I will live in Cali one day
24.)I'm a caffeine JUNKIE
25.)Drugs are bad. They told me so...



i really should have gone running instead of doing this.


I just drank a 5 hour energy shot so i'm off to work now....

Current mood: energetic
Current music: kid cudi - cleveland is the reason
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Sunday, February 1, 2009

11:44AM - oh today...

I have so much mental motivation to go and do things to better myself but no physical drive to get me to acheive anything. I just woke up and now i'm sitting on my fouton eating strawberry pop tarts with ranch dressing watching a youtube special on Theta Healing that my Aunt Mary posted about 3 hours go. Its noon and something tells me my Aunt Mary is probably doing more with her day than me. I wish i had the mindset that brought me to disappointment at the end of the day when i realized i didn't live it to the fullest. Maybe this is what the wake up call was for. To remind me that the end could be anywhere unsuspected and to live your life every day to the fullest so that you don't waste a second!
Speaking of...he just called me.... i still worry that what happened didn't affect his habits and he might continue to be a dumb fuck for the rest of his life. Which may not be long if i happen to be right.
So much shit...really. This state i'm in right now...no money, no motivation, no boyfriend, a broken heart, and the only person who comforts me stops breathing on me. At least he made it. I just wish everything would turn around. I'm not even doing well in school. All this craziness stopped me from going to 2 classes last friday. Fuck.
You know, i was thinking and as random as this is i feel an urge to bring it up but. Even my writing skills lack now. I used to be the star writer of my classes. My teachers used to tell me that with one creative writing course i could be on my way to publishing. So much for that, I guess.
Damn, so i should stop bitching about all the things that are going wrong for me and do something.
Here's a start...

Goals:
1) make a weekly routine
2) excercise at least 3 times a week
3) attend ALL of my classes no matter what is going on
4) Do ALL of my homework
5) Ask for more hours at work
6) Do something with this hair of mine
7) Get a fucking tan. I feel malnourished
8) Eat right
9) Clean my bathroom
10) Make a plan and save money for spring break


i'm going running...peace out

Current mood: determined
Current music: none at all
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Saturday, January 31, 2009

10:42PM

So what does it mean when you save someone's life? By mistake, not for a living. A firefighter faces miracles everyday but they are always prepared to do it. It's part of their entire personna and is something they are rewarded for almost everyday. But when it just so happens to be a turn out of a series of events gone terribly wrong but only to be somehow perfectly convenient....Is it a miracle in disguise?

To not sleep on a night where you DEFINITELY need the rest....to stay in the bed for a night at random of a man you feel some sort of desire for but in a way that is unidentified-- nothing sexual, nothing romantic-- just comfort....and regardless of the snoring, and a threat to go sleep on the couch, with just one " no please stay with me" you sacrifice that needed night of rest only to realize it was the best sacrifice you've ever made in yours (and their) entire life. Why on this night would i be with someone i constantly question my fate of association with . Is it destiny? And in what ways will my future actions be affected by this?

If i had not woken up after my 20 minute snooze at 7:30 am he would have died right there next to me. Another young case of a narcotics overdose. Oxycontin 80s and xanax. A terrible mix that an addict can't resist. Though I would never get cought in the mix of those, i was caught in the mix of his own problems and his own intuition. This is where i start to beleive that everything does happen for a reason and perhaps destiny is real. Don't get me wrong, i've always been a firm believer of the two, but to have moving episodes defining them right in front of my very face is something that i can't explain in words what kind of feeling it brings.

I feel a barricade appear in front of my heart everytime i hear someone say " you saved him" or when the two words fall right out of the mouth of his breathing, living self, "thank you". To be the reason a mother still has her only son and a sister still has her only brother, why dont i feel that great about it? I can't be praised for it. There's some kind of guilt that lies beneath the deed. I wonder if its becuase i was the reason he even said " fuck it" and did it up right there in front of me. We were bored. We wanted to have a good time. But i warned him not to over do it and was also totally unaware of his previous intake of Xanax earlier in the evening. I guess maybe he forgot too since it seemed to be a daily routine for him. After that, an ounce of purple syrup, a few shots of whiskey, and about 10 beers, why would one of the stongest pills seem even SLIGHTLY appealing to someone even with an addiction. To me, thats death written all over. To him, its like his words, "fuck it." I told him so and recall saying "people forget to breathe when they do too much of this stuff. you don't want to die." And as we both look back and remember together, the title " angel " falls upon me in his thoughts. But why don't i feel like such an angel. Maybe this is a turning point in my life as well where something so traumatic changes me for the better. Was this a wake up call for him?

...Or for me?

Perhaps both...? But how will we ever know.

I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

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