Sunday, February 1st, 2004
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5:05 pm - KAC!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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No one really knows about this new nickname. Well i was talking with Varland on the puter one night when I was thinking about how my intials spell KAB.... Well i was then like if i marry my b/f my intials will be KAC (NOT the title one)... Varland - KAV...Marshell- KAM....Caleb Rosh - KAR... so you get the point you know... well i was listening to praise and worship music and praying alot. It was about then that i was like ....DUH kymmy.... i have to marry my life to being Christ's servant... so my intials are kaC. Everyone's last intial should be C because everyone should be married to being Christ's servant... so my new nickname is KAC... i like this one best of all for the meaning behind it.... ho and for all you ppl who think i only think bout my b/f 24/7 he is how i will tie this to him... marrying my life to Christ gives my the same intials as if i married him.... maybe i am destined to marry him... for if i marry him i will be marrying into servitude to Christ... i really don't know bout all that but some of you think i only everythink of him so i had to tie it to him for those of who think that....
love
kab
now known as KAC
jazzers
Queen-of-hearts
current mood:  mischievous
current music: The tv talking bout the Country musicrewards.bursts of music
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Saturday, January 31st, 2004
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3:14 am - Carefree Jasmine's other
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this is my other online journal. more secert more outspoken you could say... i am to lazy to switch it all over to this one currently and i like this one also. so here it is. it really is nothing like blurty. i am honest in this one more so than this one. so sara only read if you really wanna know
http://carefreejasmine.blogdrive.com/
love
kab
now known as KAC
jazzers
Queen-of-hearts
current mood:  sleepy
current music: God of Wonders
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3:12 am - love....written about...
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1:31 am - the pain i cause i thought was only mine...now i see it is reflected in all the eyes of loved ones..
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Hey,
This is mainly all sorry to you all. First off I haven't written in a month. And also my recent cutting thing. I am really sorry if this has hurt anyone. I have been kinda really selfish lately. I have been cutting since friday..nothing really major expect tuesday. I am trying my hardest to stop doing this. For some reason it is just always in you mind to do. I am giving it to God. I am learning once again to trust in him and only him. I am still really struggling but so much better. A big burden has been lifted of my shoulders and i havent' completely given it yet. God is Good All the Time. I know some of you guys are really worried about me. don't be. I am giving it to God and being really carefull with many ppl watching my every move. Lots of things have stacked up and it just kinda spillled. I have had no one in the physical world to turn to lately. Sara is to weak, I never see missy or varland, and my b/f isn't in a ppl mood. So I have felt kinda alone. I am really sorry for being such an idiot lately. I now see how it is hurting others. Noone seems to understand I am trying to stop even if it doesn't look like it. I am trying. I have hurt so many ppl I just wish i wouldn't anymore. I have hurt my b/f so much lately by being so dumb. I have wanted so much out of him and it isn't fair for me to ask that of him. After all he has gone through with me it is unbelievable he has stuck with me. I am so tired lately. I never sleep it seems. Hardly eat. My b/f yells at me all the time to eat more but I tried just for him. I just ain't that hungry. I am just so lost guys. I can't be the strong one all the time for you guys. No one is ever strong for me. My b/f tries to be but to many other ppl need him he just doesn't have time at the end of the day to let me have a few mins. for a comferting hug. All I normally need is a hug or a encouraging word every now and then, but by my turn he is tired and worn out and out of hugs and comferting words to say. So I continue standing by myself. And I always will. I must be strong for the weaker few. And i must remain that way with no one in this pysical world helping me. I am sick of reaching out to the few i do try to talk to because it never happens anymore. Namely my b/f. Now when he reads this i don't want him to feel bad even though i know he will. it isn't my point. he does need time to himself at the end of the day to relax. really he does. but i just don't know if i will ever get to also. i never see him, never talk to him, i can't remember what his colonge smells like. We haven't seen each other out of school since dec 27. pretty sad i think. i cant' recall how his hugs feel, or his colonge or even his kisses. and i hate that. but no matter how i try to make him understand i just want time in the future when ever he has time to fit me in it will be ok. but all he does is feel guilty about being a bad b/f when he isn't. what ever ... i really do give up on all friendships. whatever happens in them happens. i ain't in control or even have a say in them just as the way i control the wind, you know.... sorry bout the long rant .... i give it a rest now.... God has drained me today with a lot of thinking... going to go sleep now
love
kab
now known as KAC
jazzers
Queen-of-hearts
ps sorry it kinda turned into a rant bout my b/f. oops sorries and as for the mood it is wiht my self and others
current mood:  disappointed
current music: Complete
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Saturday, December 20th, 2003
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3:14 am - GGGGGRRRRRRR
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i normally don't mind if a friend blows me off for someone else. i reallly don't care. but sara kinda did for it to me. Susan was over so even if i could have gone over there i wouldn't of because of her. i am sorry. sara and i were going to go shopping tomorrow (really today) for christmas gifts but now we can't cuz she went with susan. all susan does is complain about how missy and i spend to much time together and missy never spends any time with her. well DUH because she is always with sara. and vice versa. yeah missy and i hang out alot but not the way they are to gether. i really don't want to hear out of susan's mouth ever again of how i am taking missy away from her. i am not doing that. she is doing it herself by not letting missy get close to her. Susan ruined my weekend with Sara and if she knew it i honestly believe she would be happy about it. well i am not going to be angry any more. i am going to get some sleep so i can go to sara's tomorrow and not be dead
love
kab
jazzers
Queen-of-hearts
current mood:  aggravated
current music: the hum of the computer
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3:02 am - Just for you!!!
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Sara this is for you so you don't have to worry about me. So you can know what is going on and not worry. I love you very much and don't worry about me. Everything will be fine. Have a nice day. see ya soon .
love
kab
jazzers
Queen-of-hearts
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curious