| wish upon a star |
[09 Mar 2004|01:08pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
peaceful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
portside drive |
] |
the tornado was absolutely amazing. i wish i had understood what was happening as it happened. for a brief moment in time i felt as though nature played out my life before me in the best of it's powers. i was in complete amazment by what was going on...but had no idea what was going on either. it came so quickly...and only lasted a short time. it was incredible. and that night i sat in my candle lit room...and i watched the moon. it is so beautiful when there is no other light to interfer with it. there was one star out that night. the sky was completely clear...but there was only one star. so i made my wish. (whenever there is one star...or a shooting star...you have to make a wish) i didn't ever actually get to see the tornado...i wish i had. i love storms. for some reason they don't scare me....rather they intrigue and amaze me....
|
|
| "princess hoar" |
[09 Mar 2004|12:23am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
full |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the legend of chin |
] |
my gosh...how much has happened in the last say two days. in me. not to mention the tornado that came through last night and knocked a tree into a powerline....causing it to catch on fire. our entire neighborhood lost power. but i lit a bunch of candles in my room...talked to some friends on my cell phone and had plenty of time to think....which will proabably account for about the 10 pages of stuff that i wrote in my journal. i don't even know where to start.....but i have made some desicions. faced somethings i have tried to deny.
you know...i didn't really know what i believed...or why i believed it. and that really bugged me. i need to have something to believe in...to fight for. that is who i am...and who i will always be. i have spent all my life trying to bend the rules....trying to give away what should be held back. and until these last couple of weeks...i have never really noticed...or i guess i should say cared. but no matter how hard i have tried to fit in...i have always been different. it was time i faced that. i will never quite fit in...why try to hard. why give away what makes me different...only to be left alone in the end. alone to hate myself for what i have become. i don't want that. there must be a balance...and i will find it. the balance between the contridictions that the world and the church have established. why is it that if you are a christian you can't have fun....if you have standards you can't have friends....if you are not naive you can't be innocent. i am sick of christianity...it has been the thorn in my side. all i can believe is what i know. i have been in times where all the rest of the world has forgotten me...but somehow God came through. even though at most times he seems so far away....whenever i have been truely in need...he has come for me. i don't want to be some weird uptight christian...the ones that everyone knows as some great christian....but never talks to. i want to be the one that people love to be around....because i am real...i am who i say i am...they know i have standards....but more than that i have love. someone people feel safe to be with and want to be with. in a relationship i want someone to love me...to need me and want me...becuase i am different. because i am not the same as everyone else. i don't want to change the world...or to change history right now...i simply want to make a difference with those i care about. why waste what i have left. if i have held it this long...i might as well make it worth holding. i'm not saying this is some easy thing to do...i have finally been given some freedom....and i am doing the right thing with it...! as shocking as this may sound to some...that is not what i planned on doing. but somehow i feel something different in me i have not felt before. and i don't say that lightly....you can ask those that really know me....i never feel things...as far as spiritually...i just don't...i don't know why...i may know something or sense it....but never feel it. all through all my years in p'cola and the revival....i never felt any of the manifestions or feelings others felt. but i feel something in me...that i have not felt before. i am determined to prove all these contridictions wrong. one of the meanings of sabrina is princess. there has to be a reason i was named "princess hoar" ...i mean how much more contridicting can you get?! there has to be some such thing as a genuinly cool...genuine christian. (ugh...i even get sick of using that word...becuase of the connotations it gives....i guess it will be my mission to live a redefination of that word) i want to be a princess...i know that can sound either really lame or really prideful....but that is not how i feel. i truely want to be a princess....in my heart. and i'm not. i am still going to be the same person...the same things will still be funny to me....the same things will still not be funny to me. i am just learning so much stuff. ok well this things is about a mile long....so i should stop even though this is only half of all that has gone on....but by-the-way....i got my haircut today....it isn't to much different....i just got some cool looking longer bangs cut in. and i am getting closer to figuring out what i am going to do when i come back. ok....but i am really tired...so i will talk to you peeps later....peace out.....
|
|
| ....that's what you said.... |
[05 Mar 2004|11:03pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
excited |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
********* |
] |
ok! if the money situtation would only work out...i may actually have the beginnings of a plan here! i know...insane right....but i may have actually found something that would work and work out well. cross your fingers and pray hard!
|
|
| uh...he missed.... |
[05 Mar 2004|09:37pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
slightly discontented |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
i need some new music.... |
] |
umm...i hate money...i just realized that i don't have as much money as i thought i had to come back on. which really bites. somehow i got confused in what i had right before i left for pensacola...and now...well i leave my job in two weeks and i am seeing that i don't have what i thought i had. so i have to try and get some mad hours these next two weeks to try and make up for that. i am going to talk to my boss tomorrow and see what can happen. he loves me so i am sure i can get something going. but still this really bugs me. it wouldn't be so bad if i didn't have to get a car when i get back. but i am going to have to...otherwise i will pretty much be destitute. if that wasn't such a major chunk of my money we would all me cool. but no worries right....everything will work out. i will live on the streets if i have to when i come back. if i go to atlanta maybe i can use one of my brother's cars for a while when i first get there. just until i can get things up and running.
well on a lighter note....i got my first hickey today! hahahaha....he missed and hit my chin. no actually blame it on my neice. i was holding her and she obviously got really hungry because she attacked my face and started sucking my chin for all she was worth. i took her to missy and told her that i thought she was hungry and when i pulled her off.....bam!...there was my hickey. we all busted out laughing. i was devestated....my first hickey...from a baby! that is sick and wrong! where is the glory in that! hahaha. don't worry i'll play it up good though...i should have taken liberty back and made the mark bigger....no make up is going on that spot baby! ok...well even though i have nothing to do and no one to call i am going to go and find some way to be useful. peace out.....
|
|
| just one kiss....please mary.... ;) |
[05 Mar 2004|02:21pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
drunk |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
silence ... is golden |
] |
ok....you know you're in trouble when 50 and 60 year old guys that you work with are hitting on you!! kind of robbing the cradle don't ya think? i tell you what....there are some old players where i work. yesterday when i asked one of them to get me something....he told me i could have anything my little heart desired...but (with a scary smile) it would only get him in trouble. i smiled and said...hey...i'd still be innocent... or i love the times that gino walks up and gives me a hug...but as he continues to talk to me and walk...keeps his arm around me....yikes! but he buys me food all the time on my break....haha! two can play that game. oh i love my work...and these are the old guys. of course....but what really made my day was when i found out that one of my managers that used to be in love with me is now dating this other girl that i work with. the funny part is that...this girl and i used to make so much fun of how he was in love with me. she would be like oh...here comes your lover...and i would say...oh no...he's all yours and then we would see who got stuck with him. and now i find out that oh they decided to go out! how fickle people are. you would think if you were going to go out with someone it would be someone you were actually interested in right? i find it so funny. the first month or so i was there all these guys were all over me, but i have built up my name...haha....there are only a few that still persist in trying to get something. but i have shut most down. am i to picky? no....only go for the ideal right? " tall, dark, irresistably handsome, and melancholy..." sigh...(that is a movie line if you missed it) i am in such a weird mood right now.
ahh...so ok...i leave for thailand in less than a month? what's up with that?! crazy...i am having to go through all my stuff and figure out A- what i am taking, B- what i am keeping for later, C- what i am getting rid of. oh my. but good news...i may be getting a car! snap! my sister is selling her car and buying my parents...so i want to buy their car so i will have a car when i come back. but i really want to...i love that car. there are a lot of complications still to be worked out...such as someone taking care of it while i am gone...settling on a price...all that jazz. but if i get it when i come back i am going to have to find all the car people i know and have them help me fix it up a bit. and i want to get a bra for it again. but that is all in the way far away. mmm...next big question would be where i am coming back....charlotte looks less and less inviting everyday. there are not to many perks here....but it is not ruled out. i know i want to live in a city. no more of these little nothing around towns. i would love to live in new york....and though it is possible...it would be a stretch and i would be alone. i really want to have some friends where ever i move back. but that won't really determine things as much as college will. well this is already way too long...so i am going to jet. though i know i will probably get on later with this mood i am in. but anyways....enough about me....talk about her...the hair, the eyes, anything...pick a feature! (sorry...movie line again) it is going to be one of those days.....
|
|