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Thursday, May 15th, 2008
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6:41 pm - Was it worth it?
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Dear you;
Here I am again with blurred memories of you passing before my tired eyes. The still-frames in my mind no longer instigate anger in my soul, but instead a sort of disappointment that perhaps you'll never understand. I'm weary from the battle you waged against me. Oh darlings, you were clever; for it wasn't a battle of wits, or words, or sticks and stones. It went much deeper than skin and emotion; it was a battle of the spirit; oh yes your reckless undertaking of my very soul.
You see, trusting you as much as I did, I gave you the deepest and most sacred part of me so very willingly. And in turn, you simply used me to further your personal agenda; oh yes, it's what you thought to be your ticket to heaven; when it seemed to me you had opened up the floodgates to hell. If I could ask you one more thing, I'd wonder if using my vulnerabilities to manipulate me got you any closer to your God?
I see now that wisdom doesn't transgress into the human soul with increasing age. Perhaps, it's quite the opposite. Does timely desensitization toward the vulnerable human condiiton make someone less of a fellow human being? A fellow spriritual being? As my memories of you fade into the background, it's crystal clear before my eyes now; that you, my older friends, fully intended on using me with careless disregard to how it would affect me. Perhaps, you did not forsee my reaction, which was ten times amplified with rage and anger; but you should have seen me, I wasn't invisible or emotionless.
And although, my loves, I've forgiven you, I don't think I'll ever be able to uncry these tears, unbreak this heart, or unhurt the parts of me that you sliced through with your razor edge of selfishness.
Considering all the mistakes I've made in my life, I might have to say you are the one I regret the most, but you're also the one I loved the most. Bitter, bitter irony.
Was it really worth it?
Love you always,
Your little sister "in Christ"
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| Saturday, March 22nd, 2008
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9:38 pm - Forgiveness...
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Dear people who wronged me,
To all people who have done me wrong, you are forgiven, whether you caused me a day of hurt, a week of heartache, or a lifetime of self-loathing. I am not angry, upset, spiteful, hateful, vengeful or frustrated. I hope you know that you are beautiful, timeless, cherished, and most importantly loved despite all your faults. Today, here, now, I'm calling out to this higher being called God, undefined by any particular relgiion. I ask for repentance for all my sins, and for the sins of others. I hold myself accountable.
I am turning a page in this fraying book called my life. It's not a new beginning, or a false sense of renewance that comes with erasing the past. Let the shadows come out of our closets and be exposed to the light, naked and vulnerable. Let self-reflection resolve what ails our humanity. Let us strive, not for perfection in goodness, but simply innocent motivation in our goodness. I have no ulterior motives, only love in my heart. God give us all the strength to forgive and forget, to love and be loved, to fall apart and to pick ourselves up once again.
Let light invade the darkest corners of your subconscious.
Love,
Just a very small, insignificant girl in a very big world
current mood:  peaceful
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| Thursday, January 3rd, 2008
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12:39 am - Sage advice I didn't take
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Today, I found myself giving someone advice about a boy that clearly didn't deserve her because he was only looking for sex, and she deserved to be respected for more than just her body.
The irony of the situation is that I should be taking my own advice. Although the situation is completely different, I think what needs to be done is quite suprisingly the same.
If I had even a shred of dignity, just a little bit of self-respect, I wouldn't beg and grovel for you to stay like I've done for so long. It's clear that you don't care about me at all, so then why can't I just move on with my life?
Yes, it's because I'm totally and completely pathetic. And I DO NOT deserve to live. I'm a complete failure at everything, at school, at work, at friendships, at relationships, and very basically at life. I suck. I'm a complete and utter screw-up with no future whatsovere.
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| Wednesday, January 2nd, 2008
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8:18 pm - I wanted you to stay...
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We laugh when we want to cry
We smile when we want to frown
We lie when we want to tell the truth
We hide when we truly want to be found
We prepare for war when what we want is peace
We pull out our guns when we want to hand out hope
We prepare our fists when what we really want is to caress
We push away when all we want is to be held in secure arms
We have unsatisfying disconnected sex when we only want to be loved
And we walk away when all we really want is to stay.
People are unpredictable like that.
I've learned that the only guarantee in life is that there are no guarantees at all.
And the truth you'll never know, is that I really wanted you to stay.
Despite how I pushed you away.
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| Tuesday, January 1st, 2008
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11:22 pm - I wish I didn't care...
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I know I said I didn't care anymore...that I was stronger.
I guess...I guess I'm not...because all I can think about right now is how much I miss you, and how much I wish you were still a part of my life.
I think I just reached a new level of patheticness.
Cheers to me for always defining myself by the people I surround myself with, instead of trying to figure out who I really am on the inside. *Sigh*
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| Friday, December 28th, 2007
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11:20 pm - And...
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And I'd say something...I really would, if I only knew what to say.
It's no longer about not knowing where to begin, or how to write the middle, or when to glue on the end. It's simply - well it's simply, ugh, it's hard to explain that right now, and for a while, I haven't been able to speak. So much has happened.
It's interesting how between biology and chemistry and math, I've lost my ability to communicate. I guess I just need to reconnect with my soul once again. I feel so disconnected.
University is shredding the human being out of me. The question is: Do I want to be cold and unfeeling and empty like one of my smart professors? Or am I vwilling to give up a little bit of my career, of my personal goals, of my planned future, to have a love, a hope, a life in between. I don't know.
I don't really know who I am anymore. And...that's the first self-reflective thing I've said in a very, very, very long time.
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| Thursday, September 27th, 2007
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12:35 pm - Today I stopped trying to be the epitome of everything you wanted me to be
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Dear you,
There's no tell-all letter. There's no revealing of the self through a private journal. There will be no more damage to my self-esteem, my self-image. There will be no more insecurities, and taking all the blame. There will be no more pressure on me to change into the person you want me to be. There will be no more begging or apologizing. There will no longer be a you and me.
It's over. There's no going back. There's just stability and happiness in the now, and the now is all I want right now. Sorry, but there's no way in hell, I'm making the effort to keep you in my life anymore.
I'm done. Good riddance.
This is goodbye.
Me.
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| Saturday, September 8th, 2007
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2:04 am - RIP Mr. D
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I just heard that a teacher who taught at my high school passed away - all they told the students is that he in an accident. (the high school I graduated from).
He had dyslexia - but struggled and persevered. He was an amazing teacher and person, and although I never knew him well, I know that he deserved more time in this world, especially considering he's left behind a family: his wife and children. Life can be so UNFAIR.
I know in my heart that God has a plan for him, and I need to keep telling myself that to keep from letting the sorow of the situation overcome me. He was lovely, and I want EVERYONE to know that. I hope everyone who did know him, even if barely, I hope they'll take a moment to reflect on what has been lost.
I didn't really know him, but I loved him. I hope that before he passed away, the last thought on his mind was the knowledge that he was very much loved and appreciated.
Rest in peace, amazing Mr. D, you have left imprints on more hearts and growing minds than you'll ever realize.
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| Wednesday, September 5th, 2007
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11:27 pm - The hallmark truth is the only lie I ever told
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When I said I loved you, I lied. I lied to myself.
How could I come to believe in the existence of love, when the logic and science that has cushioned my behind, and kept me from jumping off dangerously high cliffs, is the same knowledge that disregards love as anything that's existence can be proved.
How could I forget that love was created for all the wrong reasons: for money, for business, for manipulation, for false delusionalism, for everything I can no longer stand for, after the way I have fallen.
But now I realize that you fell too. I never acknowledged that before. But as long as I had you on that pedestal, you were happy. And when I came to face your humanity and it's many flaws, you were no longer an angel in my eyes. That's when you fell. You fell hard too, and in the process of this realization, I really hurt you.
You see, I was a child again, both innocent and cruel. Unthinkingly, irrationally, uncaringly, unknowingly, walking all over your feelings like you had walked over mine.
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| Sunday, August 19th, 2007
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9:39 pm - Falling...for your lies. Or is it the truth?
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I have a secret. I think I'm falling in love with him. Only, I don't think it's such a good idea. He seems too good to be true. He might be toying with my feelings, and I'm too afraid of getting hurt.
I refuse to fall again. Give me a parachute first, and maybe I'll reconsider. Maybe I'll trust again. Maybe. Just maybe.
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9:10 pm - The paradoxical shapeshifting of matter
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Blood is thicker than water and love is thinner than ice. Isn't that why people skate on hearts, and prick fingers to empty bodies? Relationships become heartbreak, then lead to temporary pleasure-seeking.
Unfulfilling emptiness. It's all I knew.
You See,
I thought I was bleeding away our relationship.
I even believed I could vomit us away as wine.
I thought it was my Epiphany
And now I truly See,
I want us to be the dew at dawn,
Hanging delicately from your finger tip
Ungraspable, fragile, existence,
A brief caress of renewal.
Falling, falling, untouchable once again.
You are the little hope I have of change,
A promise of self-honesty,
A breath of fresh air, of new life.
This might be my Epiphany...
But who knows? Perhaps, I'm just fooling myself into thinking I've actually made some progress.
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| Tuesday, August 14th, 2007
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5:26 pm - You shouldn't be my everything...
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Everything I write is for you, and only you. When will I begin writing for myself?
Only more brutally incoherent honesty with myself more than anyone else will tell. Only then will I begin to pick apart a love from the ashes of this relationship. Only then will I begin to understand the unhealthy relationship I formed with you. Only then will I begin to understand myself. Only then will I begin to understand what it takes to change.
Only...only then will I begin to understand what it takes to move on. The unavoidable moving on is something I would willingly avoid, but knowing what I know now, I cannot.
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| Monday, August 13th, 2007
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10:13 pm - The night out...
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Oh, yes, I finally went to a night club downtown with my friends, for a friend's bday party. I was a little afraid b/c things get out of hand sometimes - shootings and stuff.
And, honestly, it didn't really float my boat. Well, first we had dinner at Boston Pizza - which I wasn't too happy with b/c the pizza had pineapple on it, and it kind of grossed me out. I don't like fruits on my pizza. Then, one of the girls ordered a long island iced tea, and the birthday girl was pressured to drink it, after which it was passed around the table so everybody could have a taste. When it came to me, I politely declined, although the peer pressure was high, you know everyone sort of pushes you, even though you politely decline. I guess I probably looked like a complete weirdo for being the only one who didn't drink.
And well, then when we got to the club we wanted to go to - it was sold out - something to do with caribana festival the day before. So we went to this other night club, and I didn't really see anything special about it. It just involves drinking, then dancing, repeated over and over again. At some point, it really began to smell - somewhere between alcohol, smoke and sex. I was dressed in a skirt and a top, and my heels were killing me! I will remember that for next time - don't wear heels next time - only comfortable shoes!
Anyway, I don't think think clubbing is something that fits me. It was all about men so incredibly desperate for sex. I had a guy grab my arm, a guy feel up my ass, a guy fully thrust his body into mine from behind and so on. I also got a bit of someone's drink on my arm. It was not amusing. Although I did see some people grinding which was kind of interesting. It was all very new though - b/c I've been to a lounge before and that was quite enjoyable b/c the crowd is more mature - people are decent and polite and all that.
And one of my friend's had a bacardi shot or something like that - she handles her liquor very well - we can safely say she's been drinking a lot ever since university. Anyway, one of my old guy friend from high school was also there. And for a bit the others ran off, and I was too busy resting my feet to notice, and then it was only us. So, I got worried about finding them, and so to appease me so he suggested we look for them. Unfortunately, we didn't find them, but we ended on the roof, which had lots of chairs and couches, so I grabbed my chance to sit for a bit. He kept asking me to buy a shot, so he could have a little, but I was adamant (by the way he was supposed to be our designated driver!). Once I make a decision, it sticks, I guess it has a lot to do with my sense of personal integrity, and I was absolutely not going to touch alcohol, especially considering I didn't feel safe AT ALL in that envrionment.
Anyway, half the time we were going up and down the stairs, he was holding my hand, and can I say that I didn't exactly resist, b/c the environment made me nervous? So anyway, when we were sitting down and talking, he asked me for my number - I only have his msn. Yes, he also pointed out how last time he asked me for it, I said I lived on a bike which was only b/c I knew he had a thing for me (well he kissed me and I really wasn't interested). So when he was dropping everyone off, he dropped me off last, and he suggested a walk in the park at 3:00 am?? And he said he'd definitely call me, so we could go out?? And it bothers me b/c everytime I"m the slightest bit nice to him, he takes it too far, and thinks I like him in that way. And I just don't. And I have no idea how to explain to him that we just don't have any chemistry not now or ever. I don't mean to sound harsh; it's just that we've been through this before, and more than once, and he doesn't get the message. I've turned and toiled over how to put this to him nicely, but he takes nice for something more than it actually is - nice is "I really like you as a friend". Sometimes I just don't think I understand how the male world works. So I'm not going to try to figure it out for now.
I just don't want to lead anyone on. Needless to say, I am not in a place in my life where I'm ready for a relationship at all - I have way too much baggage. I need to work on myself. That is all.
I guess it made for an interesting experience - but I don't know if I'll ever do that again. It was one of the very complicated nights of my life. Hmm.
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9:56 pm - I just don't know anymore
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I know I said I'd keep trying. I know I said someday I'll let you into these secret ponderings and thoughts. I know I said I'd write a tell-all letter from the heart.
Well, I'm finally almost finished with my honesty letter, and I'm doing fashionably well with expressing my feelings in this blurty, BUT I just don't know if I should write you anymore. Perhaps, it's healthier to just forget about you, and leave everything the way it is. Perhaps, that letter was my peace and my release. Perhaps, I need to make all this I do for me, and not so it becomes something I prove to you.
I guess I'm saying, I just don't know if trying to mend our relationship is the best idea - perhaps, things are meant to be left the way they are. After all, if you really cared about me, wouldn't you have made an effort to fight for me, to keep me in your life?
I hope you know that I'll always love you, but the question I can't keep asking myself is: Do you love me? I'm sorry, feeling this insecure all the time just isn't worth it, b/c it's a predictor of the future of our relationshp. I need to know you can be there for me without constantly judging me physically, mentally, and emotionally before I make any set decisions.
Blurty, what do you suggest I do in this situation? Does rectifying this mean I send my honesty letter, and let the people I care about into my secret other life? Hmm.
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9:09 pm - To begin, to begin, to begin once more...
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Where do I begin? I've been away for a while, and so much has happened since then. I almost feel too exhausted to write it. Perhaps I will not express all of it.
I was very happy when I found out I got an A on my paper. I had a 90 going into the exam, but have no idea what my mark will be after the exam - which I thought went rather horribly. I pray that I do well - the good mark on my paper was exactly what I needed to motivate me. The prof said my story was lovely, although a little too poetic at times - which took from the story itself - but that my analysis was thoughtful and competent.
Oh, how wonderful it is to finally feel in control again. It is such a blissful feeling. I feel like making all the effort now - to work hard enough to get all 90's next year, to fully embrace my dream of going to med school, even to some very cool place for a co-op research term. I think I'm getting ahead of myself, but I feel someone has mended my spirit once more, and I don't want to leave that feeling b/c it is the one that keeps me going.
You know, in my senior year of high school, I took a writing class and I was doing quite horribly in it; well by my standards - the teacher didn't like my writing. And I took her word to be everything, and allowed her to break my spirit - so I went to university with a broken spirit and no motivation. But I feel like all that has changed - who is she to discourage me when my prof likes my writing? This ego boost was exactly what I needed. I am so completely filled with happiness, but trying not to go overboard.
I feel as if this is where the brook meets the river, if you know what I mean, just like Anne met Avonlea. This is where my overwhelming ideal nature meets reality; a healthy balance. I hope this feeling isn't temporary - I could use it for next year!
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| Friday, August 3rd, 2007
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5:37 pm - I am...
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5:21 pm - Owwies and memories
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Have you ever placed a dora band-aid on a child's scrape or imaginary boo?
Have you coaxed a child in pain by "kissing it better"?
Ah, the quick fixes; the ways of children...
If you've lived long enough, you know what I'm talking about. The innocent believe that their pain can be chased away with a simple band-aid, a hug and a kiss. But we know better.
Because some owwies cannot be fixed with band-aids. Those are our invisible owwies. The ones that turn into memories, then pasts, then regrets until the amount to nothing but insanity, fear and hopelessness.
So you see, some owwies are better left untouched, because those are our forgotten forbidden failures.
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| Sunday, July 29th, 2007
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11:53 pm - Stupid me
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Now I remember. You had deception written in your eyes. I saw it right from the beginning. If only I had known how to read. If only.
Then perhaps, I wouldn't be living every single day of my life in self-doubt, and self-blame.
It takes two to tango baby, and you took me, spun me around for a bit, and then carelessly threw me on the floor.
I'm caked in blood that is invisible to you. Then why is my heart still chasing after you? I hate myself for only ever feeling love, and never knowing hate. I guess the joke's on me.
Stupid me.
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| Saturday, July 28th, 2007
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6:50 pm - My older friends...
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That evening when I accepted Jesus into my heart to be my saviour and my guiding light is forever imprinted into my memory. I remember S had looked like an angel even in her baggy "gym" clothes. I had run over and embraced her, as I always do. She felt so small and so frail in my arms, with those tired eyes of hers. That look of hers almost had me worried.
Well, that's when I met M, her husband. He was standing behind me quietly and I hadn't even noticed. So very sneaky. Well, until S pointed that out to me. M was the complete opposite of S in appearance. He was this huge, muscular guy. He had definitely kept up his cop image.
I was relieved to find he had brought a bready Greek snack for his wife. So sweet. And then we got to talking, first about random stuff, and then about God. M seemed like the kind of person that could talk for hours. S was silent; listening I suppose, her face impassive and emotionless. Well I already knew how difficult it was to gage her emotions or what was going through her head. And M, well he had the softest, kindest, warmest eyes I think I'd ever seen. So trustable. He reminded me of a gigantic teddy bear. His tough exterior betrayed his gentle manner of observing, speaking, and simpy being.
You know, I think he was one of those people who can speak with their eyes; no need for words. And well, S, I couldn't quite tell what lay behind those beautiful brown eyes because she hardly ever made eye contact. But I guess, the only thing I could say I saw there in moments when she did look into my eyes, was this type of innocence that is difficult to find in someone who's 30.
And among some of the last few things that were said between us, we said a prayer. And the moment that really melted my heart was when M said "I don't know about S, but I love you". Everytime in e-mails, he'd repeated that "with love...with buckets of love" etc. However, I don't remember S ever saying that. I guess I must be incredibly sensitive to get hurt over a tiny thing like that, right?
Well anyway, we had parted ways at that point, but not before sharing a warm embrace. S had smelled of bread and home. She reminded of a childhood I'd never had. And considering it was the beginning of winter and was getting cold outside, S offered to give me a ride home, b/c I had walked and had not worn a jacket. And if you knew me, you'd know I have a tendency to believe I'm invincible. Of course, M had left earlier for his Chiropractic appointment, and before he'd gone, he placed his hat on my head.
Those people were my saviours. But even to this day, I have difficulty describing my relationship with them; you know giving it a label. I have no idea what it meant, or what it means now. All I know is that I love them, and that is something that will never change, regardless of how confused I am right now about religion.
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| Thursday, July 26th, 2007
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1:59 pm - Brutality...
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I have deleted my dream. I strongly believe it is a bad omen to write out dreams about rape. After all, I'm going to be all on my own again in about a month. I can't be afraid of every shadow in the darkness everytime I have to walk across campus at night. I need to be strong.
However, I will be looking into suitable weapons for protection purposes. A pocket knife? A handgun? Is it legit?
I have so much to do, and so little time. *Sigh*
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