Forbidden Snowflake's Journal

Monday, August 16, 2004

10:26AM - School - finally

Third day of school, English. To anyone who might still read this, I have a xanga now (www.xanga.com/users/spiralingcage) and now I will be using this blurty strictly for updates in the various communities. See ya!

Current mood: awake
Watch me starve.

Sunday, August 8, 2004

7:38AM - Random, from bukowskis_widow

i have .. [x = true]

[x] been drunk.
[x] smoked pot.
[x] kissed a member of the opposite sex.
[x] rode in a taxi.
[x] been dumped.
[x] shoplifted.
[ ] been fired.
[x] been in a fist fight.
[x] had sex.
[ ] had a threesome - kissing or otherwise
[x] snuck out of your parent's house.
[ ] been arrested.
[x] made out with a stranger.
[ ] stole something from your job.
[ ] celebrated new years in times square.
[x] went on a blind date.
[x] lied to a friend.
[x] had a crush on a teacher.
[ ] celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans.
[ ] been to europe.
[x] skipped school.
[x] thrown up from drinking.
[x] lost your sibling.
[x] played 'clue'.
[x] had a sleepover party.
[x] went ice skating.
[ ] dropped x.
[ ] cheated on a bf/gf.
[ ] been cheated on. << Not that I know of.
[x] had a sweet sixteen.
[ ] had a quinceanera.
[x] had a car.
[x] drove.


Do you...
[ ] have a bf.
[ ] have a gf.
[x] have a crush.
[ ] feel loved.
[x] feel lonely.
[ ] feel happy.
[x] hate yourself.
[ ] think youre attractive.
[ ] have a dog.
[x] have your own room.
[ ] listen to rap.
[x] listen to rock.
[ ] listen to soul.
[ ] listen to techno. << "Breathe" dance remix !!
[ ] listen to reggae.
[x] paint your nails.
[x] have more than 1 best friend.
[x] get good grades.
[ ] play an instrument.
[ ] have slippers.
[ ] wear boxers.
[x] wear black eyeliner.
[x] like the color blue.
[x] like the color yellow.
[ ] cyber.
[ ] claim.
[x] like to read.
[x] like to write.
[x] have long hair.
[ ] have short hair.
[ ] have a cell phone.
[ ] have a laptop.
[ ] have a pager.


Are you...
[x] ugly.
[ ] pretty.
[ ] ok.
[x] bored.
[ ] happy.
[x] bilingual.
[x] caucasian.
[ ] black.
[ ] mexican.
[x] asian.
[x] short.
[ ] tall.
[ ] grounded.
[ ] sick.
[ ] a virgin.
[x] lazy.
[x] single.
[ ] taken.
[x] looking.
[ ] not looking.
[ ] talking to someone.
[ ] IMing someone.
[ ] scared to die.
[x] tired.
[ ] sleepy.
[ ] annoyed.
[ ] hungry.
[x] thirsty.
[ ] on the phone.
[ ] in your room.
[x] drinking something.
[ ] eating something.
[ ] in your pjs.
[ ] ticklish.
[ ] listening to music.
[ ] homophobic.
[ ] racist.


s p e c i f i c s
1. do you do drugs?: yes
2. what kind of shampoo do you use?: anything; whatever my mom buys.
3. what are you most scared of?: myself
5. who is the last person that called you?: saul
6. where do you want to get married?: i don't want to
7. how many buddies are online right now?: 4
8. what would you change about yourself?: my weight.

f a v o r i t e s
1. color: black, magenta, orange
2. food: none
3. boys names: michael, brian
4. girls names: heather, mei
5. subjects in school: debate
6. animals: cats

h a v e y o u e v e r
1. given anyone a bath?: dogs, small children.
2. smoked?: yes
3. bungee jumped?: no.
4. made yourself throw up?: yes.
5. skinny dipped?: yes
6: ever been in love?: yes
7. made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: no.
8. pictured your crush naked?: ..actually, no
9. actually seen your crush naked?: no.
10. cried when someone died?: yes.
11. lied: yes.
12. fallen for your best friend?: no
13. been rejected?: yes.
14. rejected someone?: yes.
15. used someone?: yes.
16. done something you regret?: yes. a lot of times.

c u r r e n t
clothes: pink dragonfly thing, blue bra, jeans, and striped abercrombie shirt jacked from racheal (woo-hoo thanks stef!!)
music: nothing. jena is asleep
make-up: foundation, concealer, eyeiner, mascara
annoyance: that i forgot how close we are to school starting. and not knowing where my keys are
smell: cold air
favorite group: the who/smashing pumpkins
desktop picture: on my computer it's a scale that says 105...but jena's is a cool black and white landscape pic
book youre reading: the walking drum by louis l'amour for ap euro/world
in cd player: jack off jill
in dvd player: club dread
color of toenails: blue, black, yellow

l a s t | p e r s o n
you touched: saul. i hit him
hugged: stef and heather
you imed: cory
you yelled at: sister
you kissed: ...like i'm gonna remember

a r e | y o u
understanding: sure.
open-minded: sure.
arrogant: at times.
insecure: definately
interesting: depends
random: at times.
hungry: no.
smart: yes. that is the one thing i will give myself
moody: yes.
hard working: can be, if i want to.
organized: sometimes
healthy: ...right.
shy: inside, totally. outside, no. make sense?
difficult: yes.
attractive:
bored easily: sometimes
messy: sometimes
obsessed: about certain things


R A N D O M

In the morning i am: either asleep or totally wired. like now.
all i need is: MY FUCKNG CARE KEYS!!
love is: not real
i dream about: everything that i try to block out

o p p o s i t e s e x
what do you notice first: hair/smile
last person you slow danced with: no clue
worst question to ask: what DO you eat? (both from people that know i am vegan when i do eat and from people that know about my quasi-ed)
makes you laugh the most: matt
makes you smile the most: saul/mike
who has a crush on you: right.

d o y o u e v e r
sit on the internet all night waiting for that someone special to im you?: first part yes, im part no
wish you were a member of the opposite sex?: yes
wish you were younger: yes.
cried because someone said something to you?: not outwardly

N u m b e r
of times i have had my heart broken: 1
of hearts i have broken: haha right
of guys ive kissed: while drunk or sober?
of girls ive kissed: ditto. i'm bi
of continents i have lived in: two
of tight friends: 5-7 depends
of cds i own: haha. lets say this: stef wants to by me more/a bigger case
of scars on my body: numerous

F i n a l Q u e s t i o n s
1. do you like fillings these out?: sure.
2. gold or silver: silver.
3. what was the last film you saw at the movies?: don't rememeber
7. favorite cartoon/anime?: daria/south park
8. what did you have for breakfast this morning?: nothing
10. who would you love being locked in a room with?: michael o'connell. baby them i culd get him to just explain it all to me. either that or woody harrelson. we'd get stoned together!
11. could you live without your computer?: i could, but i would choose not to.
12. would you color your hair? yes.
13. could you ever get off the computer?: yes.
14. habla espanol? no and don't want to
15. how many people are on your buddy list?: 37
16. drink alcohol? enough that some of my friends "jokingly" call me an alcoholic. give me a couple years, guys.

Current mood: thirsty
Run a mile Watch me starve.

3:38AM - Pot pot pot

Yay. Stoned again. Not yay, because it made me do something stupid.

Now that I have sobered up, I can remember what I did and I feel like an idiot. Damn.

I IMed O'Connell, telling him that I was stoned, and then got into a quasi/pseudo argument with him about: me. God I'm stupid.

Current mood: crappy
Current music: Nothing, just me
Watch me starve.

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

8:31PM - Yes and No

He keeps IMing me and talking to me. And I can't understand why.





I have made friends with a really cool guy...but he knows O'Connell. Me and my damn ability to pick 'em. Another Bishop Kelley kid.

Current mood: anxious
Current music: None
Watch me starve.

Saturday, July 17, 2004

12:30PM - Running empty on adrenaline

So, we had our tournament. And I won 2nd place FEX!! I have been freaking out about it for so long. And yet, the happiness is pulling at me, placing me once again limbo. I have been hating myself so much this week. Eating and eating, binging like there's no tomorrow. I hate it. Yesterday, I had three orders of fries (one of them cheesy), two ice cream cones, a pice of cake, a bowl of cereal, a bag of pretzals, and apple, pringles, a package of gushers, two baja chalupas, and a rocky road cone from braum's. so to everyone that rags on me for not eating: is that so much better? is hating myself with every single wonderful bite worth the hate and anger that i put myself through afterwards? is running to the bathroom to try and throw up everything in my stomach until my throat is bleeding and i can't breath because i'm trying so hard not to cry that much better? i know what i'm doing to myself. i know and i DON'T CARE. i try so hard and reach so hugh, trying to grab an ideal that is entirely unknown to me. do i know what i want? not a fucking clue. but it doesn't mean that i won't try to get it anyway. i have been on the verge of tears and the edge of a breathless gasp of anger all week. i have thought to myself, every single night since i have been here, how easy it would be to go overdose in the shower? it would be, wouldn't it? i have to fight myself at night not to get up and do it. but why? why am i trying so hard to fight it? i can't answer that question, i can't and i don't know why. somewhere in me, somewhere in some deep part that i can't see i have the will to live. but the bigger part of me tells me to starve myself, waste away into nothing. to leave. i have no fear of 'heaven' or 'hell'. i'm already trapped in my own and i would do anything to get out, if i just knew how. please, just leave me alone. can't you see that i am doing this to myself because i want to? i want to be skinny i want to be thin i want to be pretty and perfect and desirable and i just don't want to be me. i don't care what you think about what i do to myself. i don't care. stop wasting your breath and leave me along about it. you can't change me. how can you. i can't change me.

Run a mile Watch me starve.

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

6:35PM - Let's try again

I have skipped dinner, been sleeping through breakfast. Ate lunch. Actually, I didn't really eat lunch, I ate junk food. Two ice cream cones, a piece of cake, a bowl of Luckky Charms (or some facsimile thereof), a p b & j on white bread, and a glass of blue Powerade. That is disgusting. I am so pissed at myself.

As soon as I get done here, I am going jogging. Five miles; I dont' care how long it is. I'm scared to weigh myself. I was 112.75 last time, but I know I've gained weight. I know it.

So Mike knows. What was it he said; 'You know I can't, in good conscience, let you keep doing this?' Well who is going to stop me? And don't they just understand that comments and attitudes like that only make the desire increase?

I am honestly more scared of being fat than dying. Fear death? Fuck that. Why would I run to it and wish for it so much if I feared it? I only don't die because I have this goal in mind. Idealistic? Maybe. Reachable? If I can manage to stay in control.

105 is my mantra. That is what I think about all the time.

Off to go run and get rid of some of that disgusting food.

Current mood: aggravated
Current music: Vendetta Red
Watch me starve.

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

9:44PM - Fuck. and a sigh.

So, here I am at camp. Everything is wonderful. Everything is happy.

Except for me.

So, I'm here with some of O'Connell's friend. Fucking O'Connell's friends, everyone loves him, he is so awesome.




I hate him.



I tell myself that I don't, that I have no reason, but I honestly hate him more than any other person alive on this planet.


Fuck him. Fuck myself.

Current mood: Too complicated
Current music: Bright Eyes - Haligh
Watch me starve.

Sunday, June 13, 2004

12:35PM - 600¥will get you an hour

so, i`m in the nagasaki airport right now, waiting for the plane. at one of the little rent-a-internet things, catching up on stuff. if i have more typos than normal, bear with me, i can`t quite figure out this damn keyboard.

leaving for hawaii as soon as the plane is here! will be there for a couple of days, then it`s back home. have a hell of alot of presents for people. let`s see, a complete list:

nayelly
mike
dillon
stef
megan
lacey
erin
angie
heather
shannon
emma
james
brian
elyse
cici

that`s it. if i left your name off the list, i apologize profusely! i forgot/ran out of money. sorry!!!

anyway, as you can problably tell, i am in a great mood. japan will do that too me. and hawaii! it`ll be awesome.

Current mood: awake
Current music: mando diao
Run a mile Watch me starve.

Monday, May 24, 2004

5:46AM - Eh

Doing this before I forget...the icon is from Icon Makers, a community, obviously. islandofhope is the maker.

Current mood: Like anything has changed
Current music: Seriously.
Watch me starve.

4:58AM - Siphoning

God I just have so much STUFF in my head that I need to get it all out. So, my lovelies, bear with while I spill.

I am so fucking nervous about seeing him on Thursday. I am elated and excited and joyous that I am leaving for Japan in a week. I am slightly upset at how the possibility that we will get back together pisses N off. I am kind of hurt that she hates him with such a passion. I am understanding as to why. I am confused that I am allowing myself to go back into this situation. I am apprehensive about what he thinks of me. I am irritable and needing a cigarette SO BAD. I am ashamed that I am allowing my withdrawal symptons to surface at inoportune moments (like talking to him). I am so depressed for reasons I don't know. I am angry that C is gone. I am hateful and vengeful to all those damn altruists in the world that just DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I am so in love. But not the good happy love; the love that aches down in the core, because you know that you have given so much of yourself to this person, the only person that could change you, that could ask you to change and you would do it willingly, without any hesitation, because he means more to you than you. And it's knowing that he is the only person that can ever truly hurt you because of it. And knowing that he knows it. Knowing that he thinks you should hate him, that you should, by all rights, become a catty little teen that hates her ex because he 'broke her heart'.

But that the thing. His leaving was (and is) just another thing that I love about him. He was taking care of himself, the only person that he is and ever will be obligated too. I don't believe in the doctrine of self-sacrifice. If he had stayed in a relationship with me, regardless of his own happiness, because he felt that he owed it to me, I would have lost the respect for him that I have. And don't try to pull any of the 'love is sacrifice, if he loved you it wouldn't matter' crap. Be 1) love is one of the greatest values EVER, in which case it would NOT be sacrifice, and 2) if he loved me to the point that it didn't matter then he wouldn't be suffering.

I don't know how I am going to act when I see him. I want to just hug him and hold onto him and never let go and beg him to never hurt me again and just cry. Fall in his arms and cry and tell him everything that I have been going through lately; all the pain and aching and longing and how even though I have tried to shut him out and move on I can't because I LOVE HIM.

But will I ever? No.

I refuse to let anyone know how much he means to me. Well, ok, I'm sure he knows it, but I can't say it. I feel like it would become too real if I ever said it outloud. It scares me. Love scares me.

I have never felt good enough for him. For anyone, in that matter. That's why I try so FUCKING HARD. But even in trying hard I still manage to screw it up. Always.

I know I will never be good enough for him.

I shouldn't even know him.

I wish I had never met him.

I remember the night I was crying after one of the tournaments (which was shit - I never cry. Especially in public). I screamed that I wished I had never met him and never have allowed myself to ruin my life this way. At least with C I can have the comfort of knowing that it wasn't my fault. But I can't do that this time because I know that it is. Don't as me to explain, because honestly I don't know, but it had to have been my fault. Somehow. Even indirectly. It was.

I want the world to just open up and swallow me. Erase all existance of my being. Not like it would ever matter. Like it says in TCHG, 'History is never changed, it always fits together like a jigsaw puzzle. It just gets rearranged a little bit'. That's exactly what it would be. I would never have existed, but a less screwed up version would have. See? Better for everyone.

Oh god. I am so tired. This is rambling a bit, even for me.

Night.

Current mood: No idea. No idea at all.
Current music: Modest Mouse
Run a mile Watch me starve.

4:47AM - Couterfeit memories?....

I found this on dollhead.org...and I wanted to...I don't even know when I read it. It all just choked up in my chest and heart when I read it. It's C and I all over again. Anyway, I'll let it speak for itself.


||?||

Two hearts that shouldn't
Talk to each other become close
In a town much like a prison cell

People speak our names
On the street in hushed tones
Oh the stories they'd tell
If anyone would listen

You come from a town where
People don't bother saying hello
Unless somebody's born or dies

And I come from a place where they
Drag your hopes through the mud
Because their own dreams are all dying

And when we walk down the street
The wind sings our name in rebel songs
The sounds of the night should make us anxious
But it's much to late when the fear is gone

I will meet you in the Next Life, I promise you
Where we can be together, I promise you
I will wait till then in Heaven, I promise you
I promise, I promise

There's so many fighting
To get past the Pearly Gates
But nobody ever wants to die or get saved

Their intentions aren't that good
And I can smell the asphalt
That's their personal road to hell being paved

And when we walk down the street
The wind sings our name in rebel songs
But it's much to late when the fear is gone

I will meet you in the Next Life, I promise you
Where we can be together, I promise you
I will wait till then in Heaven, I promise you
I promise, I promise

I will meet you in the Next Life, I promise you
Where we can be together, I promise you
I will wait till then in Heaven, I promise you
I promise, I promise


Creepy. Very much so.

Current mood: cold
Current music: Modest Mouse
Watch me starve.

Sunday, May 23, 2004

9:10PM

Gaaaaaah. I hate being like this.

Ok, I'm going to see him on Thursday. We are going to Border's, and I'm assuming we are just going to talk. Because we need to.

WHAT THE HELL?!!?!

I am going to hold the stupid, secret little hope in my heart that he does love me and wants to get back together because it's ME that he loves, not who I pretend to be, not the person that tries just so hard but has become so used to being second best.

And now logic is going to punch me in the face. Awesome.

Did I ever believe that he loved me? I don't know.

Current mood: confused
Current music: Amadeus - the movie
Watch me starve.

Saturday, May 22, 2004

3:01AM - God I hate it. (Part II)

Ok. Ok. So- ok.

What do I want?

I what him. Oh god. I don't want to want him. It's hell and torture and I've gone through it already.

But I love him so much.

Everyone hates it. All my friends do. I know it; they tell me that they don't like him and that he's bad for me. I know he is. But I don't care.

But I've done such a good job of taking care of myself lately that I don't think I want to get back into anything involving him again. I'm in control right now. I still purge occasionally (not so much anymore because N really hates it), but I have been good about what I eat, when I eat, how much I eat, and making sure I take my pills.

My head hurts. I need a cigarette so bad.

Current mood: crushed
Current music: Pink Floyd
Watch me starve.

2:56AM - God I hate it.

The first half of the conversation is cut off. Text limit on AIM.


hedoesntclassify: yes, i do.
hedoesntclassify: i want to know, and if you hate me, i totally understand.
TheDormouseCries: I would be much more likely to tell you what I though if I hated you
TheDormouseCries: Because then I wouldn't care
hedoesntclassify: like you once told me...
hedoesntclassify: you can't hurt me any more than i could hurt myself.
TheDormouseCries: I don't know if I can say that now
TheDormouseCries: Make of that what you want
hedoesntclassify: how much do you think you'll hurt me?
TheDormouseCries: I don't think I actually can
hedoesntclassify: do you want to?
TheDormouseCries: No
hedoesntclassify: i'm lost.
TheDormouseCries: You said that you didn't want to hurt me. But what I don't think you realized is that what you did hurt me more than anything else you ever could have done
TheDormouseCries: I never said anything about it because I didn't want you to know
hedoesntclassify: that's what i was afraid of...
TheDormouseCries: I wanted to deal with it myself because at that point I didn't feel I could trust you. So I didn't
hedoesntclassify: god, i feel horrible...
TheDormouseCries: Don't
hedoesntclassify: why shouldn't i?
hedoesntclassify: after all, it is my fault
hedoesntclassify: the cutting, you almost getting kicked out, everything...
TheDormouseCries: Because you dod what you felt. That's all you were entitled to do. You didn't owe me anything. You took care of your own
hedoesntclassify: i owed you everything i promised you
TheDormouseCries: You don't owe me anything. I only take what I have earned.
hedoesntclassify: you being hurt wasn't earned...
TheDormouseCries: Yes. I earned the pain by not doing things rigt.
hedoesntclassify: it's not your fault that i was a fucking moron, and an ass to you
hedoesntclassify: you didn't earn that, that was my stupidity
TheDormouseCries: You weren't an ass to me. A moron? Eh, it's subjective.
hedoesntclassify: i was a total ass to you.
TheDormouseCries: How
hedoesntclassify: there was like a period for two weeks when we were supposed to be together and i was just fucking doing that whole 'oh im busy' thing
hedoesntclassify: when i needed to talk to you
TheDormouseCries: Really
hedoesntclassify: you remember
hedoesntclassify: when i saw you at district
hedoesntclassify: and we were barely speaking, you know...
hedoesntclassify: i was being avoidant.
TheDormouseCries: So was I
hedoesntclassify: then can we be friends again?
hedoesntclassify: i miss you nicole.
TheDormouseCries: I'm not sure
hedoesntclassify: well
hedoesntclassify: can you call me tomorrow?
hedoesntclassify: and if not, well, i understand
TheDormouseCries: It
TheDormouseCries: 's not like I hate you or anything. Honestly, I just don't know if I want to get into another hellish situation
hedoesntclassify: if we're just friends, we won't have to worry about that.
hedoesntclassify: do you just need time?
hedoesntclassify: or do you just want to deal with it later?
TheDormouseCries: Ok, look. I'm just going to assume that you know what I think about you. That's is why I don't want to 'just be friends' or anything like that. It kills me, ok? Normally I can handle knowing that I'm, at the most, second best. But not this time. Not when it matters this much.
hedoesntclassify: then what do you want?
TheDormouseCries: If you don't know then why should I bother saying it? You won't understand it.
hedoesntclassify: because if you don't tell me, there's no way i can be sure.
TheDormouseCries: What do you think.
hedoesntclassify: i think you want more than friends or nothing at all
hedoesntclassify: *Want to bhe
hedoesntclassify: ***BE
TheDormouseCries: Exactly
hedoesntclassify: how can that ever happen if i can't see you first?
TheDormouseCries: Did I ever say I wouldn't see you?
TheDormouseCries: Besides, I don't want you to do anything that you don't want.
hedoesntclassify: and if we want to be more
hedoesntclassify: we have to start with being friends first
TheDormouseCries: See, this is where it all dies. As of now, I have pretty effectively managed to block off what I feel. I don't want to start feeling again. Not if it could end up this way again. I'll snap.
hedoesntclassify: but we have to start somewhere, don't we?
TheDormouseCries: We tried. And obviously it didn't work.
hedoesntclassify: but it can.
TheDormouseCries: How do we know?
hedoesntclassify: i have faith in you.
hedoesntclassify: i thought you'd do the same...
TheDormouseCries: It's not necessarily that I don't have faith in you, but that I don't really feel like your, well, heart would really be into it
hedoesntclassify: i don't know what to say...

Auto response from hedoesntclassify: Hello, your computer has been infected with the Amish computer virus. Since the Amish don't have computers, it's based on the honor system. So please erase all the files from your computer. Thank you.

hedoesntclassify: i'll call you tomorrow, if that's alright.
hedoesntclassify: i need to sleep, i really think i'm about to pass out.
TheDormouseCries: I won't be home tomorrow. I'm over at Nayelly
TheDormouseCries: 's
hedoesntclassify: shit
TheDormouseCries: What?
hedoesntclassify: when should i call you?
TheDormouseCries: It doesn't really matter. You can even call me on her phone, I guess
hedoesntclassify: alright...
hedoesntclassify: i'm going to go to bed before i die.
TheDormouseCries: Ok
hedoesntclassify: sleep well.
TheDormouseCries: I'll try
hedoesntclassify: thank you.
TheDormouseCries: You too.
TheDormouseCries: Clarification for tonight: part of my mood is nicotine withdrawal.
hedoesntclassify: ah.
hedoesntclassify: ok.
hedoesntclassify: good night.
TheDormouseCries: Oiyasumi nasai

Current mood: discontent
Current music: Pink Floyd
Watch me starve.

Monday, May 3, 2004

10:47AM

Height: 4’11”
Weight: 120-125
Lowest Weight: 110
Highest Weight: 130
What weight do you want to weigh: 100
What eating disorder do you have: bulimia/anorexia
In Depth
How many calories do you eat in a day, on average: anywhere from 300 to 1000, but never more than that
Do you throw up your food on occasion: Way more than I should. Way more.
Do you want to look like a supermodel/actress: Not really
Are you in some sort of extracurricular sport, i.e. soccer or track: No
Has anyone ever teased you about your weight: No
Have you ever fasted? If so, for how long: Yes. The longest was for three days, but I was really busy at the time, so the stress got to me and I passed out after school.
Do you take laxatives to get rid of food/calories: Yes
Are you 'inspired' by models/actresses: No
Have you ever been hospitalized for your ED: No
Have you ever ingested Ipecac to induce vomiting: What’s Ipecac?
Have you ever tried to recover from your eating disorder: Once.

Body Image Q's

Do you constantly see yourself as fat, even though others say you are not: Not necessarily, it’s more that I hate the fat I have on my body, and I know I’m not thin, the way I want to be thin.
What part of your body would you change: Stomach, thighs, butt, a little on my arms.
On a scale of 1-10, how happy are you with your body: If 10 is high...4ish.
Do you judge your value/merit solely on your weight/body: Depends on my mood
Because of your body appearance/weight, have you become severely depressed: Sometimes
Do you constantly compare your body to supermodels/actresses: I compare my body to everyone's.

Health/Food

Do you think you eat healthy enough: For my age bracket, I eat pretty damn healthy
Are you morbidly afraid to eat carbs: No…I’m a vegetarian, so I have to eat lots of breads and pastas
Fat grams: To an extent
Calories: Hell yeah.
Are you often tired/fatigued: Yeah. I have insomnia
Do you feel more energized after eating food: Actually, I usually get sleepy
Do you eat meat: Vegetarian
Do you eat your food in a certain way? i.e. cut it up into small pieces, etc.: Yes. I chew it as much as I can so that it will come back up easier...
Do people tell you that you look sick or famished?: No, people just tell me I look tired
Have you ever thrown up blood?: Yes...especially lately
Is your heart bpm above 49?: I don’t know what that is
Do you have fainting spells from lack of eating?: Only once

Other Stuff

Do you think the media is at fault for the prevalence of eating disorders: No
What's your opinion of Pro-Ana?: Free will and all that. It’s their choice. I know that I’ve made mine.
Do you have any other mental disorders? i.e. Bipolar, BDD, etc.: Been diagnosed as bipolar, but I don’t really believe it.
What's your favorite food to eat: Rice and a raw egg
Favorite drink: Orange juice. Or vodka.
Do you often wish you didn't have an ED: Occasionally
Do you want to recover: Can you ever really ‘recover’ from something like this?
Is it bad of me to want my parents to see what they're doing to me: My parents aren’t the ones who do it to me, I do it too myself. I know exactly what I am doing to myself but I do it anyway. I could care less if they knew.

Ugggh.

Current mood: aggravated
Current music: Nirvana
Run a mile Watch me starve.

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

10:56AM

I hate being me so much.

He didn’t have to fucking tell me. I know she’s pretty and sexy and smart and strong and proud and all that shit. But I didn’t want to hear it from him. It was a fucking slap in the face and I’ll be damned if he knows it. I hate him for it. Whether he knows he did it or not, or whether he knows he can do it or not, be cut it down deep. What ever happened to not wanting to hurt me? Isn’t that what he said? Fucking liar. I never believed him; and I’m sure he knows it. Why does he ever even call me anymore? And why does he ever pretend to care. I would rather have him hate me than pretend to care about me. Fucker.

I DON'T WANT TO BE ME ANYMORE.

Everyone loves the blonde girl. She's happy and sunny and smiling and pretty and dumb and everyone cares about her. When she's sad, everyone cares and fawns over her and wants to know why. She doesn't have a thought in her pretty little head (and yes I know that I'm sterrotyping here but fuck it) and SHE IS JUST SO DAMN PERFECT. And I know that I can never be anything like that, ever. I hate it. 'Gentlemen prefer blondes' 'Blondes have more fun' GODAMMIT I DON'T WANT TO BE THIS ANYMORE. If I have to be asian, I can at least be a pretty stereotypical asian, but no, I can't even fill that stereotype correctly.

I just don't want to be anymore.

~Saraba

Current mood: depressed
Current music: HATE
Watch me starve.

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

10:41AM - Mother Madness

I hate my mom right now. She trashed my room, looking for my journal. And she found it. I am so fucked right now. She just got done getting pissed at me because of my cutting addiction, and now she knows about my ED. She doesn't understand that I NEED TO DO THIS. I used cut myself to punish myself, now I starve myself to punish myself. I need the fucking pain to cope. Being who I am though, I was able to manipulate my way out of some of it. I only have to eat one meal a day right now (I gave her the 'talk' about how if she makes me start eating alot now I'll just get sick and puke it up anyway). I'm just going to eat breakfast, and that's eat. Metabolism boosting and all that. She will never get me eating all that disgusting food again. Well, eating it and keeping it in me, anyway. God I hate her. She sucks. Thank god she is so weak. She can never enforce any of the rules she puts on me.

*Smacks & Kisses*

Current mood: bitchy
Current music: Modest Mouse - Good News for People Who Like Bad News
Watch me starve.

Saturday, April 17, 2004

12:11PM - Seventeenth

Fucked up and lost some control.

I hate being home alone. I'm supposed to be cleaning my room, but I'm too pissed off right now.

I was just going to c & s the ice cream, but I decided 'What the hell, I'll purge it afterwards', so I took a couple of Advil and started eating. But then when I went in to purge, I was only able to get about 1/4 of it back up. I was so pissed at my inability to purge. So I took 3 more Advil, and went up to my room and took 5 laxatives. I'm getting the food out. I don't care how.

~Saraba

Current mood: & pissed
Current music: Bright Eyes
Watch me starve.

Friday, April 16, 2004

5:44PM - Sixteenth

Hate me.

~Saraba

Current mood: bitchy
Current music: Bright Eyes
Run a mile Watch me starve.

9:35AM - Fifteenth

I took a nap when I got home yesterday. It sucked; when I woke up I was disoriented and went downstairs and started eating. I realized what I was doing about halfway through and freaked out so I ran in to the bathroom. I tried to purge so bad but I just couldn’t get it back up. I started breathing really hard and getting really hysterical and I lay down on the floor and started to cry. I tried one more time to get it back up, but my throat was hurting so much my then. So I got up and went outside and started running. I just couldn’t stop; I ran until I almost fell over because I just couldn’t breathe anymore. I was so pissed off at myself for allowing my attention to lapse and allowing me to eat.

Later that night I had to eat dinner because yesterday was my little brothers’ birthday, so we had dinner together. I ate a small bowl of rice and an egg, then ran into the bathroom and took a shower. I wasn’t going to purge because my throat was hurting so much, but I was compelled to. I purged and purged until my stomach was completely empty, then I filled it up with water and I purged again. I just had to get the food out of me – I felt so gluttonous. My throat hurts so badly; I know I won’t be eating for a few days. But then again, that’s what I’ve been trying to do all along.

My stomach is...not hurting, more like spazzing. It feels like I'm being poked by something on the inside. Gee, I wonder why (heavy on the sarcasm).

M is at state right now. I'm glad; if he calls me I don't really know what would happen. No one, no one living anyway, would have the ability to break my resolve the way he could. I hope he never knows that. I don't want him to know that he has that kind of control over me. I only want control over myself. Which I have.

~Saraba

Current mood: bitchy
Current music: Bright Eyes
Watch me starve.

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