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Wednesday, July 2nd, 2003
5:55 pm - Don't You Know You're Driving Your Mamas and Papas Insane? Let Me Make It Plain.
I know I've been gaining weight. I know I stopped caring about what I eat. I know I swore I was over it and looked at vintage porn pictures to convince myself that women weren't really supposed to be straight lines only.

But hell. I just got on the scale and it said 119. This. Must. Change. I will not let that stupid trip put me over 120. No. Just. No.

I've lost five pounds in a week once. I can do it again


In other words: I'm back.

current mood: determined
current music: David Bowie - Oh! You Pretty Things

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Thursday, April 3rd, 2003
4:22 pm
I want to be tiny. I want to be tiny. I want to be tiny.

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Tuesday, April 1st, 2003
9:15 pm
Had a mild nervoud breakdown this afternoon.

Yeah. That was fun.

Treadmilled this morning for a half hour and this evening for just over an hour, like yesterday. Around 866 again today, give or take a few. Went out to lunch with my dad. Went to Macaronni (sp?) Grill and had half a lasanga. Had the over half PLUS some spaghetti for dinner. UGH! I could throw up, but I won't. I'll just eat really light tomorrow, since all food make me want to be sick because of today.

Did not enjoy today. Stupid nervous breakdowns.

current mood: cranky

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Monday, March 31st, 2003
8:08 pm
I burned a total of 866 calories today, on the treadmill. (In two sessions.)

Damn.

EDIT: So... according to howstuffworks.com, I burn 1320 cals a day, just sitting around (body weight times 12). Plus what I burned exercising- that makes 2186. I'm over estimating a lot and assuming I consumed about 1,000 calories today. So, subtracting my food cals from the burned cals brings me to 1186. That should be how much I burned today! So it should really only be like I consumed 134 calories!

I am so working out this much all the time if this is what that means.

current mood: accomplished

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10:23 am
I used to write. I know you wouldn't think it from reading here, but I write pretty well. I like my stories. I have four book ideas at the moment: 2 childrens books and 2 adult ones. One of the adult books is incredibly Salinger, actually, but still completely my own.

I have written anything in a long time. Like, over a month. I think it's because of the 'anorexic tendencies.' I wonder what would happen if I stopped thinking about my weight all day and focused on my stories like I used to.

I think I lost, like, a pound from yesterday, but it's hard to tell because I only have a needle point scale.

Treadmill yesterday. An hour. 563 cals. Treadmill this morning. Half and hour. 256 cals. Stopped early because I was bored and tired. Will get on again before dinner and burn a total of 600 today. Then I'll eat less than that. It'll work.

Right.

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Sunday, March 30th, 2003
12:39 pm
New layout! I finally figured out how to put up a picture for the background image. I picked the Grace Kelly in a bathing suit picture from my last entry, because I liked it so much. Hopefully this journal has some glamour now. It was bothing me, having no glamour.

I started a fast this morning and I've got to stick with it. I always forget how much I want to be skinny when I get with other people, or step away from the computer. Tomorrow I think I'm going to play sick. I'll tell my mom tomorrow morning that I think I caught something from one of the kids at work Saturday night and feel really crappy. (You can always say you caught something when you always work with small children.) Then I'll stay in my room and quite for the rest of the week and see where I am at the end.

I just need to fully expect to do this. I've found my problem is I never truly expect to go through with these things, so I need to hold myself to it. You know. All that jazz. This time, I will. I will I will I will.

Hmm.

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Saturday, March 29th, 2003
9:10 pm
I found a few images that make me personally want to be thin. Or at least, beautiful, and being thin is the surest way to achive the beauty.

Read more... )

Not the usual supermodels, but I like them better. More real beauty.

I'm going to get new journal icons and colors.

current music: Billy Joel - Piano Man

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Thursday, March 27th, 2003
7:12 pm
Ugh. Just- ugh. I hardly exercised at all today. Some running, but hardly anything. I ate too much. I feel sick. This is not good.

I'm annoyed with my family. Usually I really love me family- we get along great- but right now they're super irritating and I'm getting angry with them, just over everything. I think it's that I've done so bad today, I'm taking it out on everyone else.

I want to give another go at fasting. Tomorrow. I'll do things tomorrow to keep from eating. I cut out a lot of pictures this morning to put in a thinspirational scrapbook, but never pasted them. I don't know... I'm reading The Sun Also Rises and have decided Hemingway isn't really all that bad after all, so I can always lock myself in my room and read all day.

I should keep reading books like that- The Great Gatsby again, maybe, something along those lines. I like books with beautiful women in them, because there's more to them then the tan skin and white smile the magazine girls have. They have sparkling eyes and clever words and I feel less shallow when I try to loose weight and be beautiful. Because they have grace and substance and . . . I don't know. I just would rather remind myself I want to be Daisy than, like, J. Lo. There's more real beauty, I think.

Fast. Tomorrow. No food. Beautiful creatures don't need food. Food is heavy and disgusting and weighs them down. And beautiful girls need to be light as air to walk on the clouds.

P.S. - Does anyone want to chat on AIM or MSN? I think it would be really great if I could chat with folks, and not even just about dieting or anything. About anything. It would be much appreciated. AIM- BlackRibbonDoll MSN-days_like_this8785@hotmail.com

current mood: annoyed

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Wednesday, March 26th, 2003
5:48 pm
*sigh*

My best friend is taller than me. She's skinnier than me. She's prettier than me. I don't know when it happened but I can't spend time with her anymore without feeling like a total hag. I'm not beautiful, but I'm pretty enough to be happy... but when I'm around her I totally forget what I look like and only notice that she's the one being beautiful and I'm not. She's always talking about this guy was checking her out and that guy was staring at her... and I never get any of that.
Plus, we always hang out with this guy Chris (who was her friend first and only mine be default) and he's, like, in love with her. She doesn't care- she doesn't like him back as anything but a friend. And she can order him around and give him puppy eyes and everything and he just adores her. And I don't have a single guy friend. Not like that, you know? (I'm homeschooled, it's not like I get out much anymore.)

So it's just making me feel so crappy. Because here I am desperately trying to prove something with a borderline eating disorder, trying to starve myself to be a tiny bit as thin as her, and she doesn't have to. She doesn't have to obsess or be unhealthy. She doesn't have to beat herself up over calories or feel bad about eating lunch. She just eats what she feels like whenever and doesn't even notice.

I just wish I wasn't so ugly sometimes. I wish I didn't feel like this.

-------

In other news, I got these hotdogs that are only 40 calories. Oscar Mayer Fat Free. I don't know if they're the same as emokid05's 'Smart Dogs' but they're good enough for me. Only... I don't like hotdogs. I probably should have thought of that before, but oh well. I'll try one for lunch tomorrow.

I did the treadmill this morning, walked for half an hour, and went on a hike with my mom this afternoon for about an hour.

I'm so bored.

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Tuesday, March 25th, 2003
6:32 pm
I just ran half a mile. Straight. Not the most efficiant calorie burner, really, when you factor in it took only 6 minutes and I could have walked longer with an incline, but it's the longest I've ever run at once and a pretty good start, I think. My parents are at my little sister's softball game, so I took advantage of them not being here. They wouldn't have let me back on the treadmill since I spent a half hour on it this morning and went for a hike this afternoon with my mom.

So, I'm going to let myself have some tacos for dinner, when they get home and we eat. I figured I better reward myself r myself isn't going to ever want to run a full mile.

When they talk about an hourglass figure, and having the same measurements on bottom and top... so they mean the top is including your bust or right under your bust? Because my bust is 34 and so are my hips at their widest point. I want to know if that counts as an hourglass or what. I want my waist way smaller, though, because I found a gorgeous vintage dress I want to buy! The waist measurement is 24 inches and I'm 26. I want to fit it!

Ok, I'm babbling. I'll go now.

current mood: annoyed

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Sunday, March 23rd, 2003
9:59 pm
Bad news. A while ago, my brother and I (we're pretty close, actually) made a verbal agreement to be 'exercise and diet buddies' but nothing ever came of it. Now he wants to really do it, which means he'd notice and pay attention to my eating habits. Fuck. I guess I just have to skirt around it and hide things the best I can.

That's sort of a pain in the ass.

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9:07 pm
Treadmill today! Over 550 calories! That was over an hour- the last twenty minutes I had the speed at 3.4 and the incline at 9. It was wicked hard and seemed to take forever but I did it.

Ok, so, my job is working at children's birthday parties. It's a local children's bookshop, small and cute and lovely, and on the weekends we do birthday parties. Dressing up as Cinderella or another character, puppet shows, face painting, that sort of thing. The problem is, I'm always around pizza and cake! It's horrible; I didn't even think about how much I'd be around food when I took the job and now it's sort of miserable. So that's why today I had a (small) slice of pizza and a (seriously tiny) piece of cake. It sucked.

I'm going to start a fast tomorrow morning. Until Friday, if I can really manage it. I've already told my parents I'm going to cut out fast food and resturants from my diet. Just to see if I can, I said. They don't think much of it since I'm always doing weird things just to see if I can. (Saturday I took a vow of silence for a whole hour. I broke it without thinking because I saw a cute boy and made a comment.) Then I figure I'll convince them I'm snacking when I'm not and fien sick at meals.

Sigh. Anyway...

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Saturday, March 22nd, 2003
10:26 pm
I spent the night at my friend's house last night and totally binged. She hardly eats anything, she's thin as a rail (and way prettier than me to begin with) and yet everytime I go over to her house, all we ever do is go out to eat, or snack in her room, or something. It's so horrible! She had unopenedboxes of Oreos, Cheezits Ritz Bits, and Pringles. So I snacked on them. And then I ate hardly anything all day, but came home and my mom made my favorite food (chicken with mashed potatos and Stove Top). So yeah, that's not good.

But something happened this afternoon. We went to the mall, and for a second I was tempted with all those food court smells, but there are always all those posters in the stores and skinny girls around the mall, so I didn't dwell on eating too long- I got thinspired, I guess.

I also felt incredibly fat.

So I decided to really loose this weight. Five pounds by the end of the month! And that's only, like, a week away! So I think I'll try to fast, or at least get away with as little as possible to eat. I feel like I have something to prove, even if it's just to myself. And I just so want to be really thin.

So, I'll get ready tomorrow- eating a little bit and motivating myself all day. Then Monday I'll start with no food for as long as I can. Woo!

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Thursday, March 20th, 2003
10:41 pm
Oh my God!

(That was a good 'Oh my God'... I think...)

It got kind of long, so I'll cut it. Just because it's feel rude not to.

Read more... )

...

You know, none of this sounds anything like me. It feels like all this thinspiration and counting cals stuff is like a language and now I speak it and I just don't sound like me. I don't want to be anorexic. I'm not going to be anorexic. I won't call it anorexic.

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11:14 am
My plan is a diet for the rest of the month. 5 glasses of water a day, at least. 1 slice of toast for breakfast. An apple or carrots for lunch. And then a fruit cup or half a sandwich for dinner.

I think that's pretty good. I'll try to skip food whenever possible, but I gotta have something to keep me going.

I finally put my goal into numbers. 105 by the end of the month. 100 by the first of May. (My brithday is May 7th and I want a spring shopping spree by then, so I want to be thin!)

So far I've only had the toast. I think I can do this. I pigged out yesterday (don't even want to think about it) so I've got to make up for it!

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Tuesday, March 18th, 2003
10:56 am
Had today:
Half a glass of orange juice = 60 - 70 cals.
Half a tortilla = 50 cals.
Nine carrots = 35 cals.
Ranch dressing (Light) = 80 cals.

Goals today:
No lunch. Had lunch, but itty bitty lunch. (Carrots)
No snacks.
5 glasses of water. (I'm horrible about drinking water.) --- Two down, three to go!
Treadmill, stretches and stomach crunches. --- Check!
Strength training, if time. --- A little.
As little dinner as possible. (Try putting salt on food when no one's looking.)

Treadmill time : 45 minutes. 322 cals. (100 fat cals.)

Subject to edit throughout the day.

current mood: determined

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Monday, March 17th, 2003
8:40 pm
I finally broke down and got a diet journal. A food journal. An obsession journal. I don't want to be anorexic or anything, but I've gotten very concerned about my weight and trying to eat just a little to loose some pounds.

Tomorrow I'll really get with this; hopefully it will be easier to stay in control when I have a focus, someplace to keep everything in order.

I really don't have time for anything more, at the moment. Tomorrow!

current mood: optimistic
current music: Bruce Springsteen - Thunder Road

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