dreaming fleur's Journal
20 most recent posts

Date:2011-07-18 23:13

this past weekend, j. asked me if things could have been different.

while i stumbled out an answer saying something along the lines of what is is, i don't really know. did we ever really love each other, or do we just understand each other? i don't think i ever really allowed myself to love him, and so i never did -- but i do think fondly of those nights and days we shared.

as we said goodbye, we lingered a split second longer than we should have, although i'm not sure if he noticed.

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Date:2011-03-08 19:09
Subject:believing in love

recently i realized that i actually believed in love.

like ... full heartedly, with muscle pumping, believed in love.

i'm not sure when that turning point came, whether or not i actually love a. but he makes me want to be better because he always supports and cares for me in a way that i can truly feel.

am i human after all.

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Date:2011-01-31 21:59
Subject:falling ...

so many ways to fall. to fall:

- in love
- out of love
- head first
- in control
- out of control
- in perfect velocity
- synchrony ...

the point is, they can so often be so many facets of the same thing. these days, life feels like it's different. it's something i can't quite pinpoint or lay my finger on. i feel simultaneously lazier and more energized. simultaneously more settled and elated.

i have someone whom i love and who loves me in return. i have a job i deeply like and enjoy and leaders who believe in me. i live in a city i love and which has in turn embraced me. in short, i have all the necessities in life in the recipe for a "happy life."

simultaneously, it seems like god is smiling at me telling me i'm not ready yet. i always feel slightly out of control and unsure, as if he is telling me: not yet, not yet. your heart is not pure yet, which will emerge the black or white swan?

i know confidence is what builds relationships and doubt is what tears it down but i always deep down inside, doubt myself. that i'm not good enough that i'm just ... me. but really, i have someone whom i love and who loves me in return ... should this not be enough ...?

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Date:2010-12-12 13:47

i am a fake renaissance woman.

that's right - you heard me. fake.

i'm like a shiny new present for shredded papers - on the outside, you want to open me, to look inside, because the packaging is so shiny, you're drawn, like moths to a flame. but when you open it up, all you find are crumples and remnants of the possible. because those shreds, represented what this person could have been, but chose instead to destroy.

i am not perfect. i am not whole.

i am just ... another human.

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Date:2010-10-22 02:45

no matter our progress going forward, we must never forget our past

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Date:2010-10-10 16:47

j. and i had a really good talk last night. very honest, very direct, very much so an open heart to heart. i really enjoy that i can have this kind of conversation with him and that we are at that level in our relationships where we are comfortable with each other to know that we can be 100% honest. i think that's something to strive for in every relationship.

i'm not sure where it really leave us except in this gray area where we are well, an extension of the other person's life. we all hang out in different circles but it is nice to know that we can come back to each other.

i always thought i could never marry j. but i know that whomever i do marry, i want to be able to have that same level of honesty and open communications that i think really are the stuff of GREAT marriages and partnerships.

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Date:2010-09-01 13:45

what is wrong with me. why can i not admit that it bothers me. that this whole ... whatever the FUCK this is is not RIGHT.

j.j is right. i need to cut this off before it kills me.

i am so set on what is possible that i neglect to see what IS

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Date:2010-08-18 22:08

today, i sat at a table full of couples or otherwise committed individuals. and for the first time, i felt profoundly alone.

in the sense that, i really wished i had someone to go home to. i almost texted j. on the spot but my judgement served me better as i refrained from pursuing a dead-end. what is wrong with me?

is it in my nature to become attached even when i tell myself i won't be? is it my fear of commitment finally being outweighed by my need to feel ... validated?

i've come to grips that i will forever lead a paradox life; i want to be accepted by social convention but yet i actively seek to defy social norms. i want to achieve professional success and yet i fear embracing professional responsibilities. i want to lead a vagabond life yet i crave the feeling of being rooted.

is this why i want to leave san francisco? is it because i want to explore alternate ways of life.

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Date:2010-08-12 22:36

some nights you feel incredibly lonely and just want a hug.

tonight's one of those times.

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Date:2010-07-08 10:56

today i received the e-mail -- the "after careful consideration of your application, we regret to inform you that we were not able to take your application to the next stage" type of email. the type of e-mail that no one ever really wants to receive.

i admit that in this recession these letters are probably a dime a dozen. but i was hurt ... i wanted this so badly that i had alowed myself ot believe that i was good enough.

maybe im just not good enough for anything ...

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Date:2010-06-27 09:42

i think last night was the first night i felt like i "blacked out" -- meaning there are parts of the night which i just don't remember. at all. i fuzzily remember standing outside and being really pissed/incoherent and throwing statements at j (okay, not fair to him) and i remember the hurt i felt when he just said "i gotta go check on my friends" and walked off and didn't even look back.

i also remember seeing a coldness in his eyes that i didn't know/want to admit that he was capable of.

i don't think i'm evolved enough yet for something like this.

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Date:2010-06-21 00:06

i used to think it was ridiculous but now i think it's more and more reasonable to move to nyc for a someone like t.

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Date:2010-06-13 03:13

you know, i can't help but feel hurt by what has happened. even though j. and i came to the same conclusions, and i shouldn't have opened his computer to check my e-mail as i always do to see that chat screen sitting there, my insides want to scream that i wasn't enough.

saying "goodbye" even if you will still be friends is never easy; i always try to be so strong so strong willed and so independent but inside, there is a girl who just wants to be loved and love in return.

i remember how upset i was as i walked back to bed, shaking. j. was already drifting off to sleep as i quietly said "i shouldn't have come here tonight." as he tried to fumble around for words, saying that perhaps we should give it another try, i stayed silent, and perhaps then - the truth came out.

"it's hard for me to give it my all when i know you're still making up your mind where to go"

and that was it, there was no way i could contest that. i knew -- as well as he did -- that if i stayed because of him, we would both be miserable because i would always wonder what if.

but why won't he be a man and just tell me about k?! i always appreciated his honesty and now i don't know -- are lies worth protecting your loved ones over?

i'm not sure. should i even bother trying to waste breath, time, and perhaps tears to gain closure? why can't i just close it myself?

r. was right -- someone was bound to get hurt eventually. and i feel so bad. i feel like i'm just stringing jw along in a way; i feel like there's something there but i'm not ready for any type of relationship, as this past week has shown.

i just want to call him and ask him all these questions but i'm scared -- i'm scared to show that i am vulnerable. susceptible to human emotions when he has so clearly been able to move on.

perhaps that is why our relationship was so "perfect" -- because rather than confronting problems we live them like hamster balls within our own respective corners, toying with them along the way.

ugh. thank you word, you ARE my one constant.

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Date:2010-06-13 01:27

i've never really written about my dad in the kindest of tones; and today, i want to remedy that.

it's days like today that make me realize that really, he just has a different way of expressing things. dad, thank you for waking me up every morning from middle school through high school, for making me my lunches, no matter how soggy the sandwiches. for never complaining about the important things and mostly, thank you for caring.

my dad gives the most amazing pep talks; even though he is not the greatest communicator on a daily basis, he has the uncanny ability to pinpoint the challenges you are confronting and offers several solutions for your choosing when you most need it.

thank you dad.

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Date:2010-06-09 23:14
Subject:saying goodbyes

goodbye my almost lover / perhaps that what-if was never meant to be
i hope you're always happy, i hope you're always free

up in the stars our names are written,
i don't want to be just another number,
i don't want to be just another name.

i want to be a story.

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Date:2010-05-22 22:32
Subject:pushing forward

"you are TOO special" said my mom -- a euphemism for ... "wtf are you really doing with your life"

at times, i don't really know either. what AM i doing?

where do i want to be? who do i want to be? who do i want to be with?

behind the facade of independence, i've realized i'm someone who needs extreme validation. i need to be loved and feel appreciated. i need to know that i am WORTH something even though that is really a pretty stupid statement.

i keep telling myself that this -- whatever this is that is between j. and i -- is something i want. but i don't think it really is. i don't want just an eff-buddy because i think physical and emotional intimacy are intertwined for me. i don't think he really knows what he wants either but for him, the cost is lower -- he is sure -- at least for the short-term year -- what his plans are.

i, on the other hand, am like a seagull lost at sea.

waves, carry me home, carry me to a place i can call my own, give me hope, and give me drive. give me the will to brave this storm.

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Date:2010-05-22 10:54

i don't necessarily miss us; just the us we used to be.

i really miss having that je ne sais quoi connection.

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Date:2010-05-16 18:11

they're a funny thing -- whether you like to or not, after awhile, you start forming attachments. some times, it's worth it and it becomes a relationship that causes you to grow with time. other times, it's a fool's journey. you walk and you walk, and you know that the path doesn't seem quite right, but yet you still hold on to that probability -- however trite -- that things may work out in the end.

and you keep walking. onward. from oe road to the next, on this journey of fools ...

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Date:2010-04-24 10:03
Subject:my dad is a douche.

there, i said it.

my dad is a douchebag. he puts people down with no reason and is the single greatest recurring image in my nightmares, even into my adult life. when i was younger, my greatest motivation to succeed was so that i could leave the family. it instilled with me a sense of fierce independence but simultaneously, it created a need to be validated and loved while at the same time an armor defense to never let anyone affect me that much.

i always thought that leaving my childhood home would make the problem better, but over the years it has only been illuminated. like a slow-cooking casserole, it is always on the back-burner, especially as my brother still lives in the same house under unreasonably stringent conditions.

a. is right -- you can reason with a reasonable person or a person who accepts logic; but our dad is the opposite - he is unreasonable and for someone who is so set on the scientific process, lacks all logic and reason when it comes to personal relationships.

i have googled emotional abuse far more often than i'd like in an ever-diminishing hope of finding some way to break through; but you can only help those who want to be helped. to him, he feels like he is fulfilling the "greater good" -- and perhaps that is where his own resilience comes from. he is a micro-manager no matter where he goes but the only place it can manifest is within his own family.

what scares me the most is that i see traces of him within me. the impatience, the hyde/jekyll effect, the incapacity to adequately communicate, and the streak of irrationality. perhaps what saves me is a recognition of that, and the want to change it.

parents - no matter how strong-willed you think your children may be, you have an impact far beyond any you can imagine.

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Date:2010-04-18 15:58
Subject:my sanctuary

i've always suspected that one reason i've never fully made this blog private is that secretly i want someone to stumble on it again and see these posts that are me ... in the most honest form. not that the feelings here won't change and that the perspectives will shift but that the words represent what i'm thinking ... right here, right now ...

it's been confusing lately; where do j. and i stand? should i care to be in this gray area? maybe j.j. was right ... there's no time for these complications in my life right now.

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