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Friday, January 24th, 2003
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5:53 pm - GiNA's
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I'm at Gina's! Hooorah!! Ok, so I haven't written in here for awhile. And don't really feel like writing... yet here I am writing.
the SWEATER SONG! Ahhh. Weezer.
Anyway, this is goodbye for now.
xoxo- carrie
current mood: drained
current music: weezer
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| Tuesday, December 31st, 2002
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9:47 pm - MO' MONEY LESS PROBLEMS
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None of my friends really know or understand this... but I'm poor. I really am. My family has always been pretty poor. My mom doesn't even make enough money to pay all of the bills... much less pay for food or other necessities. Sometimes we go weeks without food in the house. It's tough sometimes not being able to hang out with my friends... because I can't afford to pay for a movie.. or go somewhere else that charges money.
My teeth have been crappy my whole entire life. I haven't seen the dentist since I was what, eight years old? I'm seventeen now and my teeth are getting uglier and uglier with each passing day. If I had a pretty smile, I'd be so much more confident. I'd be able to laugh, without covering my face.. or holding in my laugh. I'd be able to smile wholeheartedly whenever I was truly happy. I'd be able to eat more comfortably around others... I'd be able to do my favorite thing in the world better.. act. The main reason why I even started acting was because I was so self conscious of my teeth. They disgust me... and prohibit me from being comfortable with my appearance. All of my friends can smile for pictures. Me? I can't. I just give a little half smile which doesn't reveal any of my crooked, yellow, broken teeth. People tell me that they don't notice my "defect" until I point it out... but that's most likely not true. And if it is, it's because I try to not show my teeth. I wish people who had nice teeth would realize how lucky they are... to smile.. laugh.. and not be trying to hide something at all times. Braces hurt... but constant toothaches and cavities hurt even more and aren't beneficial in the long run.
Little comments have been made about my teeth throughout my life. In eighth grade I was leaving class early for some reason and some stupidass kid yelled out "Dentist appointment?" And I shook my head and he said "You might want to schedule one." Of course him and his friends started laughing. I went home that night and cried for hours. Last year, this kid I know and who I am semi good friends with started calling me "Chippy" because of my chipped tooth. People don't realize it, but it hurts me more than imaginable. I try to not let the little things get to me... but EVERY DAY I think about how happy I would be if I had nice teeth. When I'm older and start making money, the first thing I'm saving up for is braces and a cap for my damn front tooth.
But for now, it's more posing for photographs with my mouth closed while everyone else shows off their beautiful, straight, white teeth.
It's not only my teeth though... we only have one tv in our house.. my little tiny tv. We don't own a house... we move all the time because we get kicked out because we can't afford the bills. True, my brother and I both have computers but mine was given to my brother from our cousin.. and my brother paid for his by himself with lunch money and saved up money from birthday and christmas presents. We've gone years without cable television, not enough money to pay for it. We've gone without phones.. without water.. without electricity. Heck, we've even gone without a house.
None of you know what it's like to live in a car.. sleep in a car.. clean yourself in public restrooms... and then go to school acting as though you have the perfect home life... having school psychologists pick at your every word... trying to find what you really mean. They analyze everything. What's the psychology behind "I have to pee"? I mean seriously, that JUST means that I have to pee damnit. I don't know.
I would love to be able to get glasses... I have no idea where my last pair went. I didn't lose them though... I have a feeling my mom took them just to get me in trouble with my dad.
Oh yeah, my dad is supposed to pay child support but do you actually think he does? No.
I hate living like this. It would be nice to get a Christmas present under the tree next year. God knows I didn't get one this year. I know that isn't what Christmas is about.. but it hurts. It does. Maybe a pair of pants or a shirt for back to school clothes? No, don't have the money.
It's just so hard. I need to save my money.. and get out of here.. and learn how to support myself. I hate my life sometimes. I hate it.
Nothing works. I'm not even going to graduate highschool. It might be better if some freak accident happened and I died somehow. I'm not going to kill myself... my faith in God has kept me from committing suicide. But.. if a car hit me as I was crossing the street... then that wouldn't be suicide... or if I was in a plane crash.. or I got some fatal disease... that wouldn't be suicide either, right? What about dying in my sleep? Wouldn't that be a peaceful way to go? With my teddy bear in my arms, all warm and cozy in my bed? That wouldn't be suicide, right?
Anyway, I'm off to bed.. in my warm cozy bed.. with my teddy bear in my arms. Maybe I won't wake up in the morning? I can only hope.
current mood: depressed
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9:38 pm - NEW YEARS EVE NiGHT
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Mike is a dickhead sometimes... he's going out with his friends tonight.. which is cool and all I guess... but eh. We were talking online a couple of minutes ago and I told him I was bored.. so he suggested I go watch tv. I mean seriously, it's New Years Eve... you think a guy might possibly want to spend some time with his gf... or at least treat her a little bit nicer while he goes out and parties with his friends all night.
Kiwi---------: I'm just... BLAH
Kiwi---------: bored out of my mind.
Die------------: I'm sorry honey
Die------------: I could come over there
Die------------: but
Die------------: your mom would kill me
Kiwi---------: and then cut you up and feed you to the dog. [my mom's pretty vicious]
Die------------: eeeeek!
Die------------: lol
Kiwi---------: ahhh... the vicious one is calling for me
Kiwi---------: brb
Die------------: lol ok
Kiwi---------: hey
Kiwi---------: sorry about that
Die------------: it's ok honey
Die------------: you should watch TV or something maybe tehre are some good movies on?
Kiwi---------: eh.
Die------------: or you could just dream about me....lol
Kiwi---------: haha... riiiiight
And what's with HONEY? If he calls me that one more time, I'm gonna smack him. Ok, so I'm not.. but I should.
My tooth is killing me... AHHH.. I wish we had dental coverage. I'm in so much pain.
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5:52 pm - NEW YEARS EVE
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Another lonely New Years Eve has crept up on me. I feel as though I'm the only person in my circle of friends not doing anything spectacular. Mike might come over for a bit... but he's gonna go hang out with friends later. I wouldn't feel right being with Gina and Michael [her bf] even though Gina said something about me spending some time with them. They deserve alone time! haha.
Gina spent the night last night and we had lots of fun. We goofed around all night and talked and lalalala. We were lying down before sleeping.. and we started taking random pictures of each other... and tried to avoid the camera... it was hilarious. Our camera war resulted in plenty of blackmail pictures [mainly of me].
I got a Christmas card in the mail today from Becca from NMG. YAY! It made me smile.
James is still a dickhead... BLAH. But it's ok. I'm used to it.
I'm eating olives.. and am bored with this entry... so farewell.
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| Monday, December 30th, 2002
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5:47 pm - @ GiNA'S
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It's gina.. We are over here, carrie said i could write in her journal; so i am. Carrie and I are listening to the Mama's and the Papa's. It my sisters birthday so we are having spaghetti, becuase we are vegi's. it's all good, i love spaghetti.. uh.. carrie is laying on my floor now. hehe. LoL we just made up a hand dance! yay! carrie was taking a picture of me and i ran into the window... carrie i love you and i have no idea what i am writing... La La La... humm deee dumm... we are hand dancing now!! to a good song... still, i haven't a clue what i am writing... okay, heres carrie...
--------------------------
Hey buddies. I'm at Gina's... I already wrote in her journal... and now she wrote in mine... and we're traders... welll.. trade journalers.
HAPPY JANEL DAY. WOOHOO.
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1:37 am - HEADACHE
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Headaches seem to bring out a side of me not many see. Headaches cause me to think... or does thinking cause me headaches? It's as if all the thoughts inside my head twist and turn and eventually wrap themselves around my brain cells. Then... my head pounds.. with too many thoughts... and no release. So basically, when I'm suffering from a headache, I release my thoughts by writing about a wide variety of things. So bare with me here.
The rain is my peace. Most seem to dread the winter [except for Christmas, of course]... but I find the rain rejuvenating. It's as if it's cleansing my spirit.. and cleansing my negative attitudes towards others around me. It's fresh, and natural, and cool against my usually burning flesh.
I used to think that everyone wanted to be in love... but I'm not sure so much anymore. I don't think I'd be strong enough to handle love. I'm a strong person but sometimes I feel like I might be too critical of myself and my feelings. I've never been in love... not even puppy love... and that is completely strange for a 17 year old girl to have never felt as though she was in love. Isn't it unusual? It seems as if everyone I surround myself with is in love, or has been in love.
I'm not looking for love. Why would I be looking for something without having the slightest clue of where it might be hiding? I guess that love will just find it's way to me if and when it's meant to happen. But my doubts are high and my hopes low. I just want simplicity. Happiness. No drama. No lame high school crap.
My mother has never been married.. neither has my father. Is the ability to love and be loved hereditary? I hope not. For my sake... I surely hope not.
Television is the worst it's ever been. Perhaps when I was younger I was more susceptible to enjoying cheesy programs... but now it's as if our entertainment is all focused on Howard Stern, MTV [girls who lack respect dancing around nearly nude in music videos starring rappers who's lyrics focus on b!tches and hoes], and lame cartoons that lack the creativity of generations before. I mean, what could ever beat the unique concept of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? A sponge living in a pineapple under the sea is in no way as sexy as Leonardo, Raphael, Michaelangelo, and Donatello. I mean come on people! Sheesh.
I have become extremely anti-social lately. Is it because I don't like people... or because they don't like me? It might just be that I feel as though my words aren't as meaningful as others'. I'm not a very deep person with many layers. I'm not intellectual. Of course I have my own views and opinions and I would love for my voice to be heard and my words to be absorbed by others... but I'm not about to speak for people who aren't willing to listen. Of course if someone cared to ask... I would most likely respond... but Gina is one of the only ones who cares to listen to my rambling.
And so, this entry has become just that. A bunch of rambling that most likely no one will care to read. But that's perfectly fine with me. As long as I still hear my voice, then I am happy... for that is proof that I am not being suffocated by others. My voice will not be drowned out... just put to rest... until someone cares to ask me.. cares to talk to me.. and cares to break through the wall I have built around me.
My headache is gradually fading away... to come again some other day... and bless my journal with yet another set of unspoken thoughts.
Goodnight.
current mood: content
current music: Recording of the rain... so soothing...
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| Sunday, December 29th, 2002
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8:50 pm - JAMES SMELLS BAD
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I feel so unappreciated sometimes... as if none of my efforts are noticed. For example... James. He doesn't appreciate me whatsoever. It really hurts. I mean, I'm incredibly nice to him and I go completely out of my way to do favors for him. But do I get any thanks? No. I just get complaints. He says that I'm one of his best friends yet do I get any recognition for anything I do??
I took care of him at a party a couple weeks ago. He was completely wasted and sure, that's a normal occurance at high school parties... but I still feel an obligation to my friends to help them out when they're at their low points. So, I was the one helping him walk... the one making sure no one was fucking around with him... and he told me that he wanted me to take care of him.. so I did. But the, afterwards... he pretended like nothing ever happened.
A couple days ago James asked if I could burn some cds for him. Turns out... he wants over a hundred songs burned. Of course, I say yes. I waste hours and hours of my time finding the songs and remixes and everything on Kazaa. I download the songs and send them to my brother... my brother burns them... then I make a playlist... I write down every song that's on the cds... and the order and everything. And then.. right before I'm about to save, the computer crashes and I lose everything. UGH. So of course, I start all over again... And I'm still in the process of rewriting the playlist. Sure, James said he's gonna pay me... but still. So then, I give him the cds.. and he gets online later and starts complaining that a couple of the songs aren't "album quality" and they need to be redone.
It's like... don't be a dick about it or anything. I didn't do this for the money... I did it for a friend. But if he's not going to treat me like a friend then what's the fucking point?
Another thing... James has a website... on his website there are pictures of friends and such... of course, I took EVERY SiNGLE picture with my digital camera [minus one].. but do I get credit for the pics? Of course not. And there's also a shoutouts page. But James has too much pride to mention my name. Asshole.
He comes over to my house all the time just to stop by or "chill" as he would say. A couple times we just went and hung out on the weekends.. drove around.. nothing too exciting but that's besides the point. At school though... of course he pretends like we're not friends. Nope. I don't matter to him. All that matters is those stupid little freshman sluts that follow him around and lead him on to no end and then end up hurting him. Of course, he comes running to me everytime another girl turns him down after leading him on for so long. He let's his dick lead his way and it gets old after awhile.
I've told him that he doesn't appreciate me and he says it's bullshit... but it's not. UGH. Fuck him... and fuck me ever doing anything to help him.
Oh well. He smells bad.
current mood: pissed off
current music: "Tiny Pants" -Aquabats
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4:50 pm - UGH.
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So here I am with another tough decision to make... I like Mike and everything but there's something about him that makes me not want to be with him. Perhaps it is his obsession with calling me "Baby" or "Honey". I'm not a baby damnit. And I'm definitely not honey. Perhaps it is the fact that he's taking things way too far... way too fast. All he wants to do is physical things. He doesn't even want to talk at all. He hasn't taken me out of the house to do something nice... all he wants to do is take me into his bedroom and lock his door. It feels like he's using me... good thing he has nothing to use me fore considering I am NOT going to put out for him. NO WAY iN HELL. I need to break up with him... but I don't know how.
current mood: confused
current music: "Big Crash" -Less Than Jake
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1:54 am - OH GEEZ
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Haha... ok, so I just updated but I have some good news for you all. An incredibly good looking guy supposedly finds me "attractive". He's a really cool guy too. I have a boyfriend but oh well. It's not like I'm going to hump this guys brains out or anything. Sheesh. I'm not THAT much of a whore. haha.
Of course, Gina sent me her and Max's conversation in which they discussed the situation!!
twink926 (1:22:10 AM): It makes me sad, carrie doesn't think she's attractive...
CypherEND (1:22:28 AM): hmmm....well collin thinks shes attractive
twink926 (1:22:42 AM): really???????
CypherEND (1:24:41 AM): yah.....not suprising, shes his type
[ pause ]
twink926 (1:26:57 AM): what did he say to you?
twink926 (1:27:17 AM): lol... sorry i'm a girl, as much as i'm not normal, this is the normal highschool part of me
CypherEND (1:28:50 AM): oh i think everyone has a little of the "tell me more" urge...........cant give you exact words, but i do know he finds her attractive
[ pause ]
CypherEND (1:32:00 AM): yup..i think thats why it works..i want you and he likes her...he was downtown looking for us at 8 on friday, but went home
twink926 (1:32:19 AM): aw man!
twink926 (1:32:25 AM): he likes her?
*LoL* That makes me happy. haha. I don't feel as ugly as I usually do.
current mood: dorky
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1:03 am - ALOHA
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Welcome to my new journal. I'm not good with introductions so I'm thinking that I'll jump right into things... now if only there was anything to jump into... hmmm.
I'm Carrie... I'm 17... I'm a senior in HS... and I'm not even going to try to define myself.
Oooh. That was an introduction. I'm cool. Haha. Anyway, it's early and I haven't gotten much sleep lately so I must be getting off to bed. Plus, my mom told me to get off the computer in ten minutes.. but that was about an hour ago. If she awakes, then I shall be doomed.
Goodnight.
current mood: drained
current music: None.. if I had any playing.. it would awaken the mom.
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