Nick's Blurty
 
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Below are the 3 most recent journal entries recorded in Nick's Blurty:

    Thursday, July 24th, 2003
    10:54 pm
    Before i forget it
    i was telling heidi about a dream i had about nicky.. it's the only one i've had that i remember, but i thought 'i'd better put it on here so i won't forget it, either.

    Lime Fish 7: ok.. well i was in this hallway.. and it was really empty.. there were doors all along it, kinda like a hotel hallway.. and the door i can thru was green.. but the walls and everything else, even other doors, were bright orangey-yellow.. and down the end, i could see another hall area, going like a T to the one i was in.. i was in the l part of the T.. and there were ppl walkin by the mouth of the hall i was in.. so i walked up to there, and i looked down the hall both ways, but i couldnt see where the ppl
    Lime Fish 7: were goin' or where they were comin' from.. then nicky came out of no where, he's like "you're not supposed to be here" and drags me down the other end of the hall i was in, and he's like "you aren't supposed to be here, you have to leave right now" i'm like "no it's aiight, calm down" and he goes "no, leave." i'm like "nicky its ok" and he goes "i MEAN it, you have to go before they see you" i'm like "who?" he goes "all the people" i'm like "those people?" he goes "yeah, they can't see you yet, and they
    Lime Fish 7: can't. so you have to leave." i'm like "ok.. so come with me" he's like "DUUUHHH i cant" and kinda forced me back out the door i came thru...thats all i remember of it
    Lime Fish 7: i know there was more, but thats all i remember
    Wednesday, July 23rd, 2003
    1:15 am
    Poem for Nicky
    The first time that my eyes landed on you
    You looked like a blood-red raisin laying there
    Inside a plastic bubble, wrapped in a blanket
    Subjected to a million people's stare
    You had every feature of a human being
    Ten tiny fingers, and ten little toes
    I couldn't believe that you were a part of me
    That you even had my nose
    Hardly any hair was atop your little head
    Your movements were so slight
    But the first time my eyes landed upon you
    I love you with all of my might
    The first time that my arms wrapped around you
    It was my seventeenth birthday
    And there were no words that come to mind
    That I could have had the breath to say
    The feeling of your weight against my chest
    Your fingers wrapped around mine
    I didn't want to put you down again
    Even when the nurses said that it was time
    I could have sat there for the rest of my life
    There was nothing else I wanted to do
    I would hold you forever if only I could
    It was the first time my arms wrapped around you
    I remember the first day
    That your voice reached my ears
    The sound of that first word
    Couldn't be replaced in years
    "Daddy"; the way your lips formed the word
    Made my insides grind to a stop
    And I felt so full of pride for you
    That I thought I might pop
    When you opened your mouth and my name tumbled out
    I couldn't believe the sound in my ears
    And the first time I heard it
    Is an experience that won't be doubled in all my years
    I can't remember all the firsts
    We shared a lot of them, though
    And I wish that you were still here
    We've got so many more firsts to go
    The first time you drove a car
    The look that was on your face
    Or that first time that you were in high school
    And you'd won the track team their race
    The first job that you got on your own
    The first time you went out on a date
    Or the look in your eyes
    The first time you believed in fate
    I wanted to share with you
    The first game of the season
    And listen to excuses
    When you came home late for no reason
    I didn't get to see your wedding
    Or your children and wife
    I feel like I got cheated out
    Of watching you experience life
    You shouldn't have had to go just yet
    There's so many things you haven't tried
    And there's so many more firsts we could've had
    If only you had not died
    12:18 am
    tonight
    well this feels oddly familiar.. sitting and typing in a blurty thing.. i kind of did miss it, i guess, not a lot, but i did.. it'll be easy to remember it this time.. its been a horrible couple of months.. horrible 23 years, really, but i'll get over it... eventually i guess anyway. it's nights like these that i miss nicky the most. i made the horrible mistake of looking at my old blurty to see what i'd last written.. it's pathetic.. i stopped before he died.
    look at some of the stuff i wrote 'bout him:

    Today Nicky was playing with a kick ball here on the bus, and he kicked it, and it hit me in the head. When it did, I told him to go outside with A.J. and Brian, so he did. A few minutes later, the kickball flew by my head again, as a window smashed!

    Question of the day: Are Baby Banana's the same as Regular Banana's just little? Yes, they're still gross, still all phlemmy and Banana-ish. Can I convince Nicky of this? No. Will he eat them? No. Is Banana his favorite fruit? Yes. Why won't he eat them? Because they're "not the same". They're the same damn thing, they just don't take up as much room packing (or in your stomach) as regular ones. They're like the perfect banana for a kid his size...

    We're in Vegas now - whoopie! - I was on the bus this morning as we rode into town and I was like pointing the lights out to Nicky, I'm like "look, see the lights on that big casino?" and Nicky goes "what's a casino?" I'm like "it's a place where people go to play games" and he goes, "Like an Arcade?" I told him, "Kind of, it's like an arcade that you make money for playing". He goes "NEAT! Let's go there!" lol I had to explain to him why Casinos can be BAD as well as "fun and good".

    Nicky feels insecure because he had a nightmare. It was a LONG night, all bumpy and stuff, and I busted my butt last night at the show. Nicky wasn't tired, either, he was all chatty the whole ride. By the time we got to the hotel here, I felt like a walking zombie or something.

    Well, Nicky needed new sneakers today, so we went to the mall here in Denver. We got in there and it was really incredibly crowded. Nicky has a one-track-mind when it comes to sneakers, he has to have whatever's "the coolest", so it takes him awhile to pick out shoes when he needs them. Then he wears them to the ground. He's incredibly thankful, too. He gave me a big hug and thanked me about twenty times for the new sneakers.

    nicky was really a good kid, wasn't he? :( i miss him like crazy..i want him back so bad, it's incredible. he was a good lil boy, he never hurt a flea, and i never really appreciated him until it was too late. does that make me a bad father? sometimes i think it does.
    i miss my lil buddy :(
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