shattered   
10:03pm 05/05/2004
 
mood: frustrated
music: Mest:Chelsea
I dont know why we're not talking - its not even a recent problem, its been going on for a while now. How can you be by someone's side over years of troubles and great times and have nothing to show for it in the end? I don't understand the mentality behind it all. I don't know how you can confide in people who have hurt you and who you despise the majority of the time and not me. I am the only one who has not let you down, I have always been here for you. And now here we are, barely speaking. How do people so close fall apart? You are such an important part of me and my life, and I can't imagine not having you around to share everything - but I cannot live like this. Being pushed aside for people who don't even know you, why? Does our time together mean nothing anymore? Have you thrown it all away? I can't answer these, and I feel as though I can't even ask you about it. This is so frustrating! Is this my fault? I'm not sure what to do, where to start - I wish I could fix whatever this is, but I don't think I can.
I feel so left out of your entire life lately. I am always the last to know anything good that's going on.. and I'm the one who NEVER knows when something is wrong. Am I that untrustworthy? Are we that much less friends than we used to be? Why do i suddenly find it so difficult to tell you these things? We were never this distant. If this is the definition of "best friends" then I think I'd rather just be one of your acquaintances, someone you hate to be around but love to share the details of your life with. I just want to be let in. I want to be able to know what's going on inside your head.
Should I give up trying?		  
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House   
08:07pm 13/04/2004
 
mood: amused
music: Brand New - Soco Amaretto Lime
SO.. people came over tonight to have my parents sign papers to sell the house and whatnot. The lady said that the house could easily be sold THIS weekend. How weird. I knew it was going to happen, but at the same time I didn't really believe that I wont ever have to live somewhere else. I can't really imagine what it'll be like being somewhere new. I hope dad's new place is nice. yay for me, when the house sells, mom's buying me a car. I do have to pay car insurance, but hey... it'll be well worth it. this way I can live with dad still.. and drive to school. good times.

I can't wait for my birthday, and to see Brand New in concert. I'm hoping its as great as I think its going to be.

that's about all for now... I know its been awhile, I'm such a slacker		  
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aw   
09:33pm 02/04/2004
 
mood: crappy
music: Brand New - Last Chance To Lose Your Keys
Alex M. told me he liked me today. so cute. lol. The kid is kickass.. I can say that much. But I can't stand the way he follows Dani and everything she does... ugh. Its a big turn off.. def.!

went shopping last night... bought some GREEN CONVERSE ALLSTARS! goddamn right I did... haha
got some clothes at Hollister as well, good times.

umm.. goin to work tomorrow.. then spendin the rest of the day with DRock.. yay!


that's about it...



\its girls like you that make me think I'm better off/		  
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uhm..   
10:12pm 31/03/2004
 
mood: cold
music: Brand New - Secondary
Well.. I didn't get to write last night because I sort of had a breakdown of some kind.. oh it was horrible. Darren stayed and talked to me for over an hour online while I cried like the baby we all know I am. I don't know what I would do without him by my side, he is truly my best friend by all means. I have never known a friendship like his. We have our bad moments, and people may not agree with the way our friendship is, hell.. sometimes I don't agree with it.. but he has always been my shoulder when I needed one, and for that I am greatful. I will never leave his side no matter what bad things happen between us or what people think. I guess I'm just lucky to have him.

I'm so glad he's coming home Saturday, I desperately need to spend time with him, he's the only person in my life that gives me any kind of hope and belief in myself. I just hope he realizes how much I need him..


-+-Back in school they never taught us what we needed to know, like how to deal with despair-+-		  
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right on   
05:32pm 30/03/2004
 
mood: blank
music: Brand New - Play Crack The Sky
went to Syracuse to watch To Kill A Mockingbird today for English... it wasn't too bad, but now I have so much homework to do for tomorrow that would have originally been due today... blah


DRock's comin home this weekend, yay!

That's about it for now, I'm pretty bored, so I might write more later.



-I like it, the farther I get out-		  
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Sunday, Sunday   
09:12pm 28/03/2004
 
mood: happy
music: None
Didn't do much today...

went to wal-mart, then to Beanpa's house.. then to tops.. then to subway.. then to wal-mart again.. then came home.. then went back to town.. haha I suck.

anyway... my birthday's comin up.. and I'm all excited to spend it with DRock and my boy Dustin.. its gonna rock.. I'll talk more after the fact...its a secret right now... *wink*

Yeah, that was about all that happened on this day...		  
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eh..   
11:58pm 27/03/2004
 
mood: tired
spend my day at work, like usual... then went to Kenne's with Courtney. we watched Gothika... one of THE worst movies ever made. it was so predictable and boring, Courtney and I figured out how the movie would end before the first 20 minutes were up.
LAME.. that's all I have to say about that.

I'm dead tired though.. so that's all for today		  
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wow   
09:50pm 26/03/2004
 
mood: calm
music: Brand New - The Shower Scene
Was supposed to go watch Taking Lives tonight.. but of course.. drinking always comes before anything else, so we didn't go. I'm home, on a Friday night. oh fun.

Its not all bad I guess, I'm talking to Alex M. this kid kills me, he's awesome.
And I'm playing penguin swing, while DLing Brand New. not bad, not bad.




-sent out the SOS call-		  
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moley   
09:49pm 25/03/2004
 
mood: lazy
music: Brand New - The Quiet Things No One Ever Knows
Got my hair cut off today... also frosted. no one will like it but me. so fuck you all, i don't care.

anyway.. I'm talking to kenne about how messed up our friendship is. he agrees. i guess that's a good thing, at least we're on the same page. we have the single most retarded friendship ever. we talk so much shit and argue a lot.. and just treat each other badly... its great. its a completely horrible basis for a friendship. i guess that's' why it works so well. we're pretty honest with everything, because we don't really care what the other one thinks. its just how our fucked up friendship works. i like it that way.




-i wrote this song for you, to show how I'm sellin out-		  
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Oh the BURN!   
09:10pm 24/03/2004
 
mood: mellow
music: Steppenwolf - Born To Be Wild
Well, Nikki and I DID start the "Assassinate CENSOR Club" last night.. that was awesome. I'm proud to have that accomplished at least. lol.

Umm, today I burned the roof of my mouth on my pizza bagel, its all swollen, it sucks.

Darren just sent me a link to a picture of some guy passed out after he puked all over the bathroom... it was the most disgusting thing i have ever seen. and YES, it was worse than the whale's penis on locker #100. Trust Me.

That's all I have to say...


=bada dadada... I'm lovin' it=		  
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goody goody gumdrops?   
09:42pm 23/03/2004
 
mood: amused
music: Simple Plan - Perfect
remember Marla? well.. if you don't.. this should refresh your memory... loud, annoying.. obnoxious, immature, I want her to die. remembering yet?

Anyway... I've just found out how many people actually AGREE with what I've been saying all along. And boy, does that make me HAPPY!!! haha. I'm a horrible person. But so is she.

DaOthaOnMyPetah: seriously..CENSORED FOR PERSONAL PROTECTION I'm gonna crash her little tower and burn her world to the ground.. and she's not gonna like it
n Nez5 e: YAY!! :-D
n Nez5 e: this might be the happiest day of my life!


Semper Alucinor: Support the killing of "dumbass piece of shit waste of space and air really really dumb people" and make your world a better place!


see...? haha... she's in for it now. fuuun times...


+emily, you saved the day+		  
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I don't know...   
06:56pm 23/03/2004
 
mood: blank
music: Roseanne... lol
so far, this week has been completely uneventful. I kind of enjoy it. lol.


Hmm.. right now, i'm talking to Becky. Haven't talked to her in a long time. She's a fun kid to talk to. Speaking of fun kids.. i finally talked to DRock for a second tonight.. lol. Its been a while... kinda weird not talking to him everyday. I missed him... no, not missed... MISS.. I miss him.. ah.. life is grand..

adios



(^) but I'm not, not sure.. not too sure, how it feels to handle everyday. and I miss you, love(^)		  
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blub   
06:09pm 22/03/2004
 
mood: satisfied
music: Rancid - Red Hot Moon
Hmm... well.. nothing happened today except another sweet fire drill, thanks to the Ag. class.. lol

Thursday I get my hair cut... and I start job searching.. woohoo...


That's seriously all I have to say about today... Its been an all around satisfying day.. lol




--Summertime.. and the livin's easy--		  
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Blah..   
10:02pm 21/03/2004
 
mood: tired
music: Brand New - Mix Tape
Hmm.. lets see.. where to start. Oh yeah, I went to watch Kenne and Joel play indoor tonight with Brooke... and we went to Little Caesars.. I paid, of course. And that is the extent of my Sunday. Hope you enjoyed reading it....


Oh yeah, I need $554 to Adopt Baby Blue. (yeah, its a car)... if you would like to contribute.. get ahold of me and I'll give you details haha.



-i keep on fallin-		  
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Another Typical Saturday..   
03:44pm 20/03/2004
 
mood: drained
music: ELVIS! - Don't Be Cruel
Well lets see... I went to work. Wasted a day of my life behind a desk waiting for phone calls. 3 came. that was it... 6 hours for 3 phone calls and minimum wage. work is gay!

Umm I don't have anything else to say really... going out for CHINA FOOD for Lauren's 20th birthday. then probably coming home and going to bed, I'm drained, from doing nothing. guess depression will have that effect on you. eh.. whatever.

I did go to the movies last night.. And watched Secret Window.. it was good. Not as good as the book though, of course. I wasn't actually supposed to watch it yet, mom wanted to take Lauren and I to see it, oh well.

That's it...



Her mind is tiffany twisted
she got the mercedes bends
she got a lotta pretty, pretty boys
she calls friends		  
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What a day..   
03:33pm 19/03/2004
 
mood: bored
music: Brand New - Jude Law And A Semester Abroad
We didn't have school today, and I don't know about you... but this has been the shortest day off ever! I woke up at 10.. and here it is.. about 3:30 and I feel like I just woke up. I did absolutely nothing productive today. Eh.. oh well.

Anyway.. DRock's comin home tonight and I think he's bringing his new girlfriend. At least, that was the plan.. so I'm thinking I won't be seeing him while he's here. That's all right though, I'm not too upset about it. I would like to meet her someday though, just to see what she's like. I dunno...

I have nothing to say about today other than that.



+this is one more day on the verge of tears+		  
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Tricky, Tricky..   
10:29pm 18/03/2004
 
mood: irritated
music: Brand New - The No Seatbelt Song
Called mom today to tell her about my report card. She told me she bought me a random present, because she thought I might like it. *flashing lights* MY MOM? Hello... anyone else see the problem here? My mom does not buy random gifts. I think she feels guilty, or feels like she has to do nice things for me now that she's left. I guess that's a normal thing. But I don't like it. I don't want gifts that are meant as bribes, I don't want to feel like she's giving me things so I won't hate her in the long run. I think its ridiculous. It makes me somewhat angry.

You wanna know what else makes me angry? I was cheated out of sausage day! because there's no school tomorrow. UGH!! Why does god hate me so?


~I remember I kept thinkin that I know you never would, and now I know I want to kill you like only a best friend could~		  
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An act of God?   
03:57pm 18/03/2004
 
mood: shocked
music: Brand New - Failure By Design
For the first time in all the years I've been going to school I am on HIGH HONOR ROLL! woot! haha...

I would like to thank... sausage day, for encouraging me to go to school and try my best..

what else is there to say that could top that? nothing.
but I can complain about a little something. There's this girl, we'll call her Marla.. well anyway, she annoys the HELL out of me. Imagine if you will, a girl that has less friends than you can count on one hand, she's loud and obnoxious and evertime she speaks you just want to push her off a cliff, that is Marla. Her biggest, and most annoying flaw though, would have to be that she actually BELIEVES she's better than everyone else around her. The harsh reality being that she is in fact, not. I hate being mean to her because she is from time to time, a good friend... but some days, like today... I cannot STAND her!
I would continue to complain, believe me, I could ALL day about Marla!... BUT...I don't want to ruin this good moment I'm having because of my report card. haha.


*stop these looks and letters, this isn't for the better*		  
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Random JoEl-ness   
10:22pm 17/03/2004
 
mood: silly
music: Brand New - Soco Armaretto Lime
FatJoel: hows the rash?
FatJoel: :-P
DaOthaOnMyPetah: HAHAHAHA
DaOthaOnMyPetah: that is the grossest thing to say to someone
FatJoel: lol
FatJoel: hahaha
FatJoel: it is pretty gross
FatJoel: but i was trying to bond with you:-P8-)



FatJoel: ill start calling you kitty
FatJoel: like dogg
FatJoel: but for girls



FatJoel: you can call me kids
DaOthaOnMyPetah: alright
FatJoel: it will just be like a reminder that i am overweight
FatJoel: like the equal of 2 kids
DaOthaOnMyPetah: hahaha
DaOthaOnMyPetah: umm.. I think TJ Smith told me I weighed the equivalent of 3 cows today:-\
FatJoel: oh
FatJoel: i disagree
FatJoel: i think you the equivalent of three sheep:-P






>and heres to you, Mrs. Robinson		  
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a BIG something I forgot to mention..   
10:02pm 17/03/2004
 
mood: aggravated
music: Bowling For Soup - Emily
Ignorance. There is SO much of it around I just can't even deal with it. I don't understand how people can talk to much, yet know so little. First of all, with all this Passion of the Christ stuff... if you don't know why the movie was made, don't watch it. If you didn't understand the movie because you didn't pay attention... shut your mouth. See, its fuckin simple! (as Jack Black would say)..

And another thing.. this isn't really related to ignorance at all, but WHY do people insist on taking everything everyone says and does as a personal attack? I guess that falls under being plain 'ol IMMATURE. I can't wait to get out of highschool. This is the worst time of my life, wasn't it supposed to be one of the BEST times? 10 months... and i'm finally GONE!

Speaking of gone (i'm off on another tangent here but... bare with me.. this is my time to shine.. haha...) I'm thinking about going to Louisiana again.. well for the 1st time, but this is not the first time I've thought about going. I'm not sure if I'm completely ready for college yet. We'll see I guess when the time comes near. I don't know if I want to go THAT far away from the people I care about. Risks of being forgotten, all that shit that probably wouldn't happen, but is always in the back of everyone's mind. Its a vicious cycle... somehow.. I'm not sure how, but i had to incorporate that into this entry somewhere... hah.

((I remember the look in your eye, when I told you that this was goodbye))		  
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