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[19 Feb 2008|02:59am] |
I am going mad.
I don't know what to do. I have to decide by 11 tommorow morning.
I should know by now, i don't know why this is so hard. I don't know why I am so conflicted.
I have this amazing oppertunity, that a year ago i would have jumped at.
I have been offered a job in japan.
I have wanted to go to Japan since I was nine.
I've wanted to move far far away for even longer.
But something changed. I changed. I can't even put my finger on why, but I don't want to go. God I don't want to go.
So simple right, just don't go.
But oh no, I am miserable here. I am too old to be living at home. I hate it.
I dread going to sleep because i dread having to wake up and face anonther day.
I'd move, but i have nowheres to go, nothing to do, no direction, no reason to waste my life not doing something.
So here, falling into my lap is my perfect oppertunity, my 'dream'.
And I don't even want to think about.
Please don't make me go.
And then there is one more final complication, Tim, my boyfriend.
I am mad about him.
He makes me happy.
We've been dating off and on for pretty much the past five years.
So if i leave, well, he will stay here.
I can't ask him to wait for me. Thats not fair, he was happy without me, and long distance is long and painful.
it fucking sucks.
So what will make me happy?
well
Japan
Pros
adventure,
purpose,
not being here
and the cons.
being fucking lonely, hiding in a tiny apartment leaving only to go to my sucky job, and going a bit crazy as I tend to do when I am alll alone
Staying here, which doesn't mean necessarily in my parents house
Pros
being with my boyfriend, although still possibly long distance, but shorter long distance.....
Having friends :) and a car and all my stuff
The possiblity of a job I might actually like, or going to school to do something....
Cons
Being fucking here
not knowing what the hell to do with my life
Wasting money
Having nowheres to live....
So, conclusion, japan makes more sense. Right?
Right?
So why is it that just thinking about going makes me want to cry?
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