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[23 Oct 2008|07:23pm] 2 comments|Melt my heart?

[09 Sep 2008|01:04am] Today I went to Osaka. I was on a mission, sort of. I wanted to find the miracle fruits cafe, which is this cool cafe where all the food is super sour, but you eat this, pill or something, that affects your taste buds, so sour tastes sweet. How fucked up is that? Anyway's, its one of those weird Japanese things that I really wanted to try. So I headed to Osaka. I was unsuccessful in my quest. I wandered about Namba all day. I went to a massive, complicated maze like mall, Den Den town, and a whole lot in between. I ate lunch at a Hawaiian restaurant. I love Hawaiian, but the food was only mediocre. I finished buy Tim's birthday presents. I managed to find what he asked for. But I was reluctant to buy it, it totally wasn't as cool as some of the other options. So I am officially done shopping for his birthday. Honestly, I can't buy any more. It's funny, There is this really nice Gundam, that's $150. Its so cool, and huge. I of course wanted to buy it for him. But no, Because I really can't afford to blow that much on his present... Especially because with shipping it would have been well over 200. But because I didn't buy him that one big thing, I ended up buying a ton of smaller stuff, which in the end cost me a lot more than that single awesome Gundam would have..... And I haven't even shipped it yet.... Ah well. I can't help but spend money on him. There is just so much stuff here in Japan that I know he will love! And so much fucked up stuff that I have to buy for him.... yep. Also today, during my random meandering's I found this whole street of restaurant supply stores, so cool! Sadly I can't really buy anything, because kitchen ware isn't stuff I can bring back to Canada, and I really don't want to shell out money for something I can only use for a little while. But it was cool to look at the weird and interesting Asian cooking stuff. I saw sooooo many Takoyaki makers! And this street led me on to another shopping area, with a whole store full of Takoyaki themed stuff!!!! It was soo cool. I wish I could have bought more, as it was I only bought a little stuffed version of a takoyaki and a cell phone charm. But they are so damn cute!!!!! So I had been wandering all afternoon, Remembering the direction I had come in, so as not to get lost. But really, I was just wandering, and when I was done shopping, and tired, then like magic, I found I had ended up in the exact spot where I had started my day.... It was really bizarre, completely unintentional, and honestly, quite remarkable, I mean I had been walking for hours, picking random interesting looking directions to follow.... yep. It was awesome. Melt my heart?

[01 Sep 2008|09:38pm] Yesterday I was supposed to meet James and Tomo for lunch. I waited for ages, but they never showed. So I went to Ikea, well, I took the bus to Ikea, but didn't go in. I mean there was a big line up! It's just wrong to go to a store, and tehn have to wait in line to buy stuff, just freakin wrong. Anyways, instead I went to the walmart like superstore. I believe called, Super Center. It's wonderful, so many japanese things all in one air conditioned place. I didn't buy much though, some jewellery and a little hand mirror. Really, I'm trying to only buy the things I really really want, since I only have so much room in my luggage. Then I returned to sannomiya, and went off in search of the Temple next to Tokyu hands. I went a bit astray, really quite astray, but found it anyways, hidden admist buildings and bikes. It was lovely there, like all Japanese temples, Its like a santctuary admist all the noise and bustle of Japan. For whatever reason the japanese are obsessed with noise, every store is blaring stuff, announcements, sales, who knows what, on mulitple speakers. It's a very loud very frantic cacophany. Most stores also have posters and ad's everywhere, so it's not only an auditory cacophany, but a visual one also, add the thousands of people everywheres, and it's exhausting. The temple's are the opposite. Many are near empty, a few Miko's runnning the charm stand, there is no noise except for the occassional ringing of the prayer bell, or lately the call of the Cicada's. Both noises I found loud, and irritating generally. But you walk in the tree filled temple, and the city noise drops away, no longer the piercing call of "Irasshai-mase" as you walk past a store, but to insulated from all sound, but those singular two. The visual world simplifies, no kanji signs screaming for attention, no flashing lights, or tv screens. I think if you took a temple, and dropped it into a city back home, it would lose all it's appeal, all the peace it has to bestow. It's as though the contrast between totally different worlds, is what gives it the power to affect me. Melt my heart?

[31 Aug 2008|12:19pm] Tim says: deathscythe Tim says: heavy arms Tim says: wing zero Melt my heart?

[27 Aug 2008|10:43am] Right. NO MOPING! It's been decided. Melt my heart?

[04 Aug 2008|11:30pm] Today is the 4th of August. Five years exactly from Tim's and I's first kiss. Everything is ups and downs. It's been a complicated five years. Most, if not all of it, my fault. My problems, my issues. fuck right. I love him. I've loved him for so long. But that hasn't stopped me from putting him through hell, putting myself through Hell. for some reason he still stays by my side. Although after this last time it took a hell of a lot of persuading. If he was a much of a Bastard as I, I certainly wouldn't put up with it. He's the best part of my life, you know, the absolute best. All I really want is to be with him. But I am here. If I wasn't dating him, I doubt I would be here. Yeah yeah. If I want to be with him so much, I should just go home. He gives me strength. I wouldn't have been strong enough to come here without him. even though it took all the determination I had to leave him...... And If I wasn't dating him now, I couldn't stay here. I would be too lonely, I would be too lost. Even though I am agonizingly lonely without him, even though it is physically painful sometimes to never get to see him. I want to go home. He tells me everyday, come home. But everyday I say no, not yet. I cry, I dream about him, I miss him. But I won't come home. Not yet. I have to.... I have to do this. I have to be here, and try and make this whole goddamn experience worth how miserable it has made me. I have to do it, so I will have no regrets. This was my dream, for years this was the one thing I wanted to do when I go out of school. It hasn't been my goal for a while now..... But I have to fulfill that stupid dream, so I don't wake up in a year, or ten, feeling that I should have stayed. It's not what I want, and in someway's it is. I have a comfortable apartment, I love living alone, I like the food, the shopping, the opportunities to see and try things I have never experienced, I like my job, my co-workers, my students. I like having a purpose and making money. I love not being home. I am lost, I have no idea what to do about my future, about a job, about school, about where to live or what to do. And I don't want to make decisions. So being here is perfect. It is somewhere's, doing something, without doing anything at all. Best of all, for as long as I am here I don't have to make any decisions. In that way I could stay here forever. But the truth is, I'm not Happy here. I'm in a holding pattern. and the last time I remember being happy was when I was with Tim. I don't laugh, I don't smile, I try to get through each day. It's not terrible. But OK, isn't what I want. I want Tim. And because I am here, I am making him unhappy. I never want him t be unhappy again, especially not because of me. he deserves better than that. Melt my heart?

[27 Jul 2008|12:38am] So day, I was a little bit psycho. Damn it, which included the over dramatic, stupid drama queen move of hanging up on my boyfriend. I hate girls that pull shit like that. Today, I am having a bad day. Work itself, not so bad, busy but normal I suppose. But for the first time in months, anxiety has started re-surfacing. That panicky chest pain feeling, the hyper ventilating, the out of body feelings of panic. And I am becoming depressed. I've been trying so hard, and doing so well. I haven't been anxious since the beginning of April. That's months! But today, today I started panicking, for no perceivable reason. I have been gone for nearly four months. The first month was absolute agony, but the second, third, and fourth months, up until this week, had been going along well. I had of course missed Tim, but between the knowledge all this is temporary, and getting to talk to him lots on the phone, I've been fine. But It's been too long, I am sick of it. He say's come home, and its painful. I love that he wants me home, but it makes me ache to say no. I keep wanting to go home, keeping thinking about sooner, sometimes I look at plane ticket prices and fantasize about going back. But I know I can't, not yet. For as bad as I am feeling now, if I went home now, in a month or two I would be feeling far worse. But all this stupid anxiety and being sad, and feeling lost, and unfocused, and like I will never achieve anything. Make me behave in ways I hate. I am trying trying trying not to be that girl. And all today was, was me looking forwards to talking to Tim. I had been looking forwards to it all day. I had been invited to go out tonight, ( to go out to what is apparently the best gyoza restaurant in Japan, then out drinking.) but I came home instead, so I could talk to Tim. Because I knew, talking to him would make things better. I would be happier, and maybe I could push away the stupid anxious feelings. But he didn't want to talk. he's busy I know. So I was like, ok no prob. But then I hung up, and the despair started to overwhelm me, he had been cranky and distant. But, I thought, I was being quiet too, and If I called back, and tried not to be distant myself, he would talk, and be his wonderful self, I just wanted to listen to him for a few minutes, and feel loved and happy. But I guess it was a bad time.... Melt my heart?

[24 Jul 2008|11:49pm] I was talking to Colleen (She was at Grandma's and I was doing my monthly, I'm still alive call), and she invited me to come to Shanghai at the beginning of October. So I discuss with my boss the possibilty of taking two days off. I mention tuesday and wednesday, because they are the slowest days of the week, and I have very few classes. Her response, 'Oh, I don't know... you have kids classes...." I have kids classes every day but Thursday. Plus Its more that two months ahead of time.... Plus in general I have few classes, and October isn't anticipated to be a busy month. Then she said, "Maybe you could try in November." .... Which is no good, since Colleen doesn't have time off in Novemeber.... *sigh*, what it really is, is they don't want teachers to take days off. And I was sick all week, strep throat and an ear infection :( But i only have on vacation day built up.... So I didn't want to take a day off. And plus, the day i was really really sick (saturday) tehy wouldn't've let me anyways.... I would have to be in the hospital for them to let me take a sick day on a saturday. STUPID JOB Melt my heart?

[16 Jul 2008|11:53pm] ughhh I think I am getting sick. I don't feel too bad, but my throat is sore, and I am having trouble swallowing. plus my voice seems weak. Like I will lose it. I probably will actually. It happens to me often. plus i keep getting dizzy, kind of disoriented. not so pleasant. I have to be like dying before they will let me take a sick day though. Maybe I will lose my voice? It seems like something weird to wish for. ah well. I will probably be fine tommorow! Plus I am scared to go to the doctor. It's all in a forgein language, and I would have to go with my boss, so she can translate. That would be terrible. Melt my heart?

[15 Jul 2008|12:51am] I think I am lonely. That's the source of my persisting bad mood. I'm lonely. It's funy isn't it, that I didn't even realize why. I am the sort of person who like solitude, and quiet. But it has been more than three months with little interaction but the most superficial. I have to deal with, talk to, associate with people all day at work. Even on my days off I often have work or work related things. I hang out with people I have met here, I go out, experience things. But I have no one I would really consider a friend. No one I would miss if I left. And on friday, this little girl, this little girl who is even my student, but who likes me, and is ever so sweet. Ran all the way back just to give me a hug, she bypassed all my coworkers, and even her own teacher, just to give me a hug. And i've been in a bad mood ever since. I miss my friends, my family, my cat, and most of all my boyfriend. Melt my heart?

[14 Jul 2008|11:29pm] [ mood | restless ] Today I went to Osaka. Nothing dramatic, and I didn't want to go... I went to meet with James's Japanese teacher. Because I might myself start taking lessons. But with being cranky, and the heat, and being basically broke.... Well I didn't want to go. But I went, apparently James got engaged (Yay him!). I like his fiancee, shes really down to earth, and funny. So went went to meet with him Japanese teacher. The lessons are pretty inexpensive, and she's willing to come to Sannomiya to meet me for the lessons. Which would make it all a whole lot cheaper for me (yay!). So I am pretty sure I will start. I am in Japan, I need help learning the language. Plus it kind of renewed my determination to get something out of being here. Honestly I didn't want to come here, I don't need to be here. But it once was my dream. And so I am determined to get all I can out of this trip. I refuse to have regrets. Melt my heart?

[13 Jul 2008|11:01pm] [ mood | bitchy ] [ music | in the end - Linkin park ] I'm in a bad mood. Have been for days. I could give a list of reasons why, but they are probably all just things that are bugging me because I'm in a bad mood, not the cause of it. I don't know why. I really don't. Melt my heart?

[13 Jul 2008|05:20pm] I am sitting in my living room, listening to Linkin park, the old Hybrid Theory stuff, working on my writing. It's funny. Seven years ago, this is what I used to do all the time. Now I am half a world away, older, I've gone to university, moved out. But I haven't changed. I haven't changed. Melt my heart?

[13 Jul 2008|01:08am] Time is ticking away. Thee weeks are going faster and faster. It seems as though it was just last weekend, as though july just began. It's good. But it means I have to leave here. Or make a decsion.... really a bunch of decisions. God damn I don't want to make decisions. That's why I came here. I'm not ready. I know exactly what I want, but its one of those things that are pretty much damn well impossible things. You know, life dream and all... Fuck. Actually, I don't mind so much. I just want to go home and don't want to go home. Ugh. I am not happy here. But I am not unhappy. I am neutral, getting by. So its fine. I want to be with Tim. More than anything. But I absolutely can't go home. I'm not moving back home. It makes me want to die. I am not being over dramatic. really. Thats teh main reason I came here. To get away from where things were heading again. Hence teh wanting to/not wanting to go back. I want to be iwth tim, but i don't know what to do other wise. His plans are all up in teh air. And i don't want to move to an apartment, and move all my stuff yet. Now is the time to do something. before i move all my stuff. before i have to move all my stuff before i get settled, before we both find steady jobs, or something i don't know i want to leave i don't want to leave I just want to see him damn i wish he was here Melt my heart?

[01 Jul 2008|11:55pm] [ mood | morose ] Summer is my least favorite time of year. Always has been. And now with summer upon us, I am.... contemplative. I had nightmares last night, which is a normal enough occurence, but ofcourse they have a tendancy to make me think morbid things. Or at least, more morbid the the usual things I think. So today I was think about what I would do if I only had six months to live. Lovely thoughts huh? It's not something I wanted to think about, it's just when I get an idea in my head, well it sticks. And that made me reasess everything. I don't know why I'm here. It seems so pointless. I'm really not getting much out of it. Money I suppose. But what I want is to be with Tim. thats obviously not all I want, but life is just kinda empty without him. But I can't move back home, and I still have no money. So I have to wait..... And because of the nightmares, the paranoia has crept in again.... We are so far away, he has so much so much closer. I would even understand if he moved on..... But I don't want him to. I Miss him. He would probably tell me these thoughts are stupid. I agree, and they are pointless to fret over. I agree. But like i said, when I get a thought in my head, I can't make it go away. Maybe tonight I will have good dreams, and tommorow will look brighter.... maybe. Melt my heart?

[28 Jun 2008|11:15pm] muhaha we are having the where is the relationship going talk. poor tim Melt my heart?

[23 Jun 2008|03:41pm] I miss tim Melt my heart?

[11 Jun 2008|12:02am] [ mood | happy ] My weekend was lovely! Monday I went to Sannomiya. The plan, attempting to get my Haircut. It sounds like a simple task, but wehn you don't know any hair related Japanese, and barely any Japanese in general.... well getting a haricut in japan, kind of a daunting task. But I brought a photo of what I wanted with me. The hairdresser spent 4 minutes trying to get my hair perfect, really all that time was completely unecessary, but she did a wonderful job. I wish tipping was more permissible here, she really deserved one.... But I think it would be rude? And I don;t know how to ask if giving a tip would be ok.... Then I went shopping. I found a Book store, with a whole little section fo English books! I was ecstatic. Seriously, I don't think I have been that excited in two months. Then came teh difficuly task of choosing only a couple! So painful. I bought two which I have been wanting to read! And pratically skipped out of teh store. Seriously, I was so so happy! Then more shopping. I really need some summer clothes, but no luck finding anything... I did find a whole little mall of Otaku stores htough! Books, mangas, models, etc. etc. It was wonderful!!! And then I stumble across this little store that sells, My Little Ponies! new ones, and the Old ones from the 80's!!!!!!!! It was the last thing I ever expected to find here in Japan. I didn't buy anything, since they were approximately $20 each.... but wow. Melt my heart?

[04 Jun 2008|11:42pm] May 18 2008 Hiruko Shrine, near Hyogo Melt my heart?

[26 May 2008|12:00am] I got paid, my first full paycheck. I was absolutely shocked when i saw how much money for a monnths worth of work. by the time they took rent, taxes, etc. i was left with $1,100. For a month of full time work, working pretty much six day weeks. I can't believe it. So today, as I was wandering around my little area of Japan, I couldn't help but wonder what the point of being here is. I mean I am working six days a week, I get home from work so late that everything is closed. I work Friday's and saturdays, so all the fun activites I get invited to go to, I can't go. basically there is one day a week in which I have any time to do anything. I won't get more than two days in a row off until the very end of august, and I will be lucky to get two days in a row before then. So when am I going to travel around? I could take a day trip to tokyo, but wait, they aren't exactly paying me enough. So I am here, trying new food, which I love ( i can't eat at restaurnts that often because everything closes when I finnish work....). Sadly there isn't much else. I want to do things, take classes, like in a martial art, in tea ceremony, in kimono's all that neat stuff they have here. But the way things are now, I might as well be back in Canada, it's a hell of a lot cheaper, I will the same amount of money, and I will have more free time. Blah to Japan. Melt my heart?

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