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[27 Aug 2008|10:43am] Right. NO MOPING! It's been decided. Melt my heart?

[04 Aug 2008|11:30pm] Today is the 4th of August. Five years exactly from Tim's and I's first kiss. Everything is ups and downs. It's been a complicated five years. Most, if not all of it, my fault. My problems, my issues. fuck right. I love him. I've loved him for so long. But that hasn't stopped me from putting him through hell, putting myself through Hell. for some reason he still stays by my side. Although after this last time it took a hell of a lot of persuading. If he was a much of a Bastard as I, I certainly wouldn't put up with it. He's the best part of my life, you know, the absolute best. All I really want is to be with him. But I am here. If I wasn't dating him, I doubt I would be here. Yeah yeah. If I want to be with him so much, I should just go home. He gives me strength. I wouldn't have been strong enough to come here without him. even though it took all the determination I had to leave him...... And If I wasn't dating him now, I couldn't stay here. I would be too lonely, I would be too lost. Even though I am agonizingly lonely without him, even though it is physically painful sometimes to never get to see him. I want to go home. He tells me everyday, come home. But everyday I say no, not yet. I cry, I dream about him, I miss him. But I won't come home. Not yet. I have to.... I have to do this. I have to be here, and try and make this whole goddamn experience worth how miserable it has made me. I have to do it, so I will have no regrets. This was my dream, for years this was the one thing I wanted to do when I go out of school. It hasn't been my goal for a while now..... But I have to fulfill that stupid dream, so I don't wake up in a year, or ten, feeling that I should have stayed. It's not what I want, and in someway's it is. I have a comfortable apartment, I love living alone, I like the food, the shopping, the opportunities to see and try things I have never experienced, I like my job, my co-workers, my students. I like having a purpose and making money. I love not being home. I am lost, I have no idea what to do about my future, about a job, about school, about where to live or what to do. And I don't want to make decisions. So being here is perfect. It is somewhere's, doing something, without doing anything at all. Best of all, for as long as I am here I don't have to make any decisions. In that way I could stay here forever. But the truth is, I'm not Happy here. I'm in a holding pattern. and the last time I remember being happy was when I was with Tim. I don't laugh, I don't smile, I try to get through each day. It's not terrible. But OK, isn't what I want. I want Tim. And because I am here, I am making him unhappy. I never want him t be unhappy again, especially not because of me. he deserves better than that. Melt my heart?

[27 Jul 2008|12:38am] So day, I was a little bit psycho. Damn it, which included the over dramatic, stupid drama queen move of hanging up on my boyfriend. I hate girls that pull shit like that. Today, I am having a bad day. Work itself, not so bad, busy but normal I suppose. But for the first time in months, anxiety has started re-surfacing. That panicky chest pain feeling, the hyper ventilating, the out of body feelings of panic. And I am becoming depressed. I've been trying so hard, and doing so well. I haven't been anxious since the beginning of April. That's months! But today, today I started panicking, for no perceivable reason. I have been gone for nearly four months. The first month was absolute agony, but the second, third, and fourth months, up until this week, had been going along well. I had of course missed Tim, but between the knowledge all this is temporary, and getting to talk to him lots on the phone, I've been fine. But It's been too long, I am sick of it. He say's come home, and its painful. I love that he wants me home, but it makes me ache to say no. I keep wanting to go home, keeping thinking about sooner, sometimes I look at plane ticket prices and fantasize about going back. But I know I can't, not yet. For as bad as I am feeling now, if I went home now, in a month or two I would be feeling far worse. But all this stupid anxiety and being sad, and feeling lost, and unfocused, and like I will never achieve anything. Make me behave in ways I hate. I am trying trying trying not to be that girl. And all today was, was me looking forwards to talking to Tim. I had been looking forwards to it all day. I had been invited to go out tonight, ( to go out to what is apparently the best gyoza restaurant in Japan, then out drinking.) but I came home instead, so I could talk to Tim. Because I knew, talking to him would make things better. I would be happier, and maybe I could push away the stupid anxious feelings. But he didn't want to talk. he's busy I know. So I was like, ok no prob. But then I hung up, and the despair started to overwhelm me, he had been cranky and distant. But, I thought, I was being quiet too, and If I called back, and tried not to be distant myself, he would talk, and be his wonderful self, I just wanted to listen to him for a few minutes, and feel loved and happy. But I guess it was a bad time.... Melt my heart?

[24 Jul 2008|11:49pm] I was talking to Colleen (She was at Grandma's and I was doing my monthly, I'm still alive call), and she invited me to come to Shanghai at the beginning of October. So I discuss with my boss the possibilty of taking two days off. I mention tuesday and wednesday, because they are the slowest days of the week, and I have very few classes. Her response, 'Oh, I don't know... you have kids classes...." I have kids classes every day but Thursday. Plus Its more that two months ahead of time.... Plus in general I have few classes, and October isn't anticipated to be a busy month. Then she said, "Maybe you could try in November." .... Which is no good, since Colleen doesn't have time off in Novemeber.... *sigh*, what it really is, is they don't want teachers to take days off. And I was sick all week, strep throat and an ear infection :( But i only have on vacation day built up.... So I didn't want to take a day off. And plus, the day i was really really sick (saturday) tehy wouldn't've let me anyways.... I would have to be in the hospital for them to let me take a sick day on a saturday. STUPID JOB Melt my heart?

[16 Jul 2008|11:53pm] ughhh I think I am getting sick. I don't feel too bad, but my throat is sore, and I am having trouble swallowing. plus my voice seems weak. Like I will lose it. I probably will actually. It happens to me often. plus i keep getting dizzy, kind of disoriented. not so pleasant. I have to be like dying before they will let me take a sick day though. Maybe I will lose my voice? It seems like something weird to wish for. ah well. I will probably be fine tommorow! Plus I am scared to go to the doctor. It's all in a forgein language, and I would have to go with my boss, so she can translate. That would be terrible. Melt my heart?

[15 Jul 2008|12:51am] I think I am lonely. That's the source of my persisting bad mood. I'm lonely. It's funy isn't it, that I didn't even realize why. I am the sort of person who like solitude, and quiet. But it has been more than three months with little interaction but the most superficial. I have to deal with, talk to, associate with people all day at work. Even on my days off I often have work or work related things. I hang out with people I have met here, I go out, experience things. But I have no one I would really consider a friend. No one I would miss if I left. And on friday, this little girl, this little girl who is even my student, but who likes me, and is ever so sweet. Ran all the way back just to give me a hug, she bypassed all my coworkers, and even her own teacher, just to give me a hug. And i've been in a bad mood ever since. I miss my friends, my family, my cat, and most of all my boyfriend. Melt my heart?

[14 Jul 2008|11:29pm] [ mood | restless ] Today I went to Osaka. Nothing dramatic, and I didn't want to go... I went to meet with James's Japanese teacher. Because I might myself start taking lessons. But with being cranky, and the heat, and being basically broke.... Well I didn't want to go. But I went, apparently James got engaged (Yay him!). I like his fiancee, shes really down to earth, and funny. So went went to meet with him Japanese teacher. The lessons are pretty inexpensive, and she's willing to come to Sannomiya to meet me for the lessons. Which would make it all a whole lot cheaper for me (yay!). So I am pretty sure I will start. I am in Japan, I need help learning the language. Plus it kind of renewed my determination to get something out of being here. Honestly I didn't want to come here, I don't need to be here. But it once was my dream. And so I am determined to get all I can out of this trip. I refuse to have regrets. Melt my heart?

[13 Jul 2008|11:01pm] [ mood | bitchy ] [ music | in the end - Linkin park ] I'm in a bad mood. Have been for days. I could give a list of reasons why, but they are probably all just things that are bugging me because I'm in a bad mood, not the cause of it. I don't know why. I really don't. Melt my heart?

[13 Jul 2008|05:20pm] I am sitting in my living room, listening to Linkin park, the old Hybrid Theory stuff, working on my writing. It's funny. Seven years ago, this is what I used to do all the time. Now I am half a world away, older, I've gone to university, moved out. But I haven't changed. I haven't changed. Melt my heart?

[13 Jul 2008|01:08am] Time is ticking away. Thee weeks are going faster and faster. It seems as though it was just last weekend, as though july just began. It's good. But it means I have to leave here. Or make a decsion.... really a bunch of decisions. God damn I don't want to make decisions. That's why I came here. I'm not ready. I know exactly what I want, but its one of those things that are pretty much damn well impossible things. You know, life dream and all... Fuck. Actually, I don't mind so much. I just want to go home and don't want to go home. Ugh. I am not happy here. But I am not unhappy. I am neutral, getting by. So its fine. I want to be with Tim. More than anything. But I absolutely can't go home. I'm not moving back home. It makes me want to die. I am not being over dramatic. really. Thats teh main reason I came here. To get away from where things were heading again. Hence teh wanting to/not wanting to go back. I want to be iwth tim, but i don't know what to do other wise. His plans are all up in teh air. And i don't want to move to an apartment, and move all my stuff yet. Now is the time to do something. before i move all my stuff. before i have to move all my stuff before i get settled, before we both find steady jobs, or something i don't know i want to leave i don't want to leave I just want to see him damn i wish he was here Melt my heart?

[01 Jul 2008|11:55pm] [ mood | morose ] Summer is my least favorite time of year. Always has been. And now with summer upon us, I am.... contemplative. I had nightmares last night, which is a normal enough occurence, but ofcourse they have a tendancy to make me think morbid things. Or at least, more morbid the the usual things I think. So today I was think about what I would do if I only had six months to live. Lovely thoughts huh? It's not something I wanted to think about, it's just when I get an idea in my head, well it sticks. And that made me reasess everything. I don't know why I'm here. It seems so pointless. I'm really not getting much out of it. Money I suppose. But what I want is to be with Tim. thats obviously not all I want, but life is just kinda empty without him. But I can't move back home, and I still have no money. So I have to wait..... And because of the nightmares, the paranoia has crept in again.... We are so far away, he has so much so much closer. I would even understand if he moved on..... But I don't want him to. I Miss him. He would probably tell me these thoughts are stupid. I agree, and they are pointless to fret over. I agree. But like i said, when I get a thought in my head, I can't make it go away. Maybe tonight I will have good dreams, and tommorow will look brighter.... maybe. Melt my heart?

[28 Jun 2008|11:15pm] muhaha we are having the where is the relationship going talk. poor tim Melt my heart?

[23 Jun 2008|03:41pm] I miss tim Melt my heart?

[11 Jun 2008|12:02am] [ mood | happy ] My weekend was lovely! Monday I went to Sannomiya. The plan, attempting to get my Haircut. It sounds like a simple task, but wehn you don't know any hair related Japanese, and barely any Japanese in general.... well getting a haricut in japan, kind of a daunting task. But I brought a photo of what I wanted with me. The hairdresser spent 4 minutes trying to get my hair perfect, really all that time was completely unecessary, but she did a wonderful job. I wish tipping was more permissible here, she really deserved one.... But I think it would be rude? And I don;t know how to ask if giving a tip would be ok.... Then I went shopping. I found a Book store, with a whole little section fo English books! I was ecstatic. Seriously, I don't think I have been that excited in two months. Then came teh difficuly task of choosing only a couple! So painful. I bought two which I have been wanting to read! And pratically skipped out of teh store. Seriously, I was so so happy! Then more shopping. I really need some summer clothes, but no luck finding anything... I did find a whole little mall of Otaku stores htough! Books, mangas, models, etc. etc. It was wonderful!!! And then I stumble across this little store that sells, My Little Ponies! new ones, and the Old ones from the 80's!!!!!!!! It was the last thing I ever expected to find here in Japan. I didn't buy anything, since they were approximately $20 each.... but wow. Melt my heart?

[04 Jun 2008|11:42pm] May 18 2008 Hiruko Shrine, near Hyogo Melt my heart?

[26 May 2008|12:00am] I got paid, my first full paycheck. I was absolutely shocked when i saw how much money for a monnths worth of work. by the time they took rent, taxes, etc. i was left with $1,100. For a month of full time work, working pretty much six day weeks. I can't believe it. So today, as I was wandering around my little area of Japan, I couldn't help but wonder what the point of being here is. I mean I am working six days a week, I get home from work so late that everything is closed. I work Friday's and saturdays, so all the fun activites I get invited to go to, I can't go. basically there is one day a week in which I have any time to do anything. I won't get more than two days in a row off until the very end of august, and I will be lucky to get two days in a row before then. So when am I going to travel around? I could take a day trip to tokyo, but wait, they aren't exactly paying me enough. So I am here, trying new food, which I love ( i can't eat at restaurnts that often because everything closes when I finnish work....). Sadly there isn't much else. I want to do things, take classes, like in a martial art, in tea ceremony, in kimono's all that neat stuff they have here. But the way things are now, I might as well be back in Canada, it's a hell of a lot cheaper, I will the same amount of money, and I will have more free time. Blah to Japan. Melt my heart?

[25 May 2008|11:59pm] last night I actually got some sleep. Weird dreams as usual, but nothing too stressful. But today I have been feeling out of it. Just this weird out of body feeling. Melt my heart?

[22 May 2008|09:58pm] It’s been a long week. I haven’t been sleeping. I keep having waking nightmares. I don’t know if they are the sort of thing other people have. I lay down, snuggle into my pillow, and lay there until I am sort of falling asleep, then I will see something, a gigantic bug, or think of something so terrible. But it’s before I am asleep. It’s like, when you fall asleep, and start dreaming about walking or running, and your body twitches as you try to walk, and you wake yourself up. Except it’s the opposite, where my body is falling asleep, but I am still conscious. Every night it has been like this. When I finally do fall asleep, have honest to goodness nightmares. And I keep having sleep anxiety attacks. I didn’t even know it was possible, but I will wake up, and be in the midst of a full on anxiety attack, I can’t breath. I wish I was home. I would really like to go see the doctor. I feel so out of it. I keep walking into things, I reach for something, and it’s not quite where I think its going ot be. I have lots all coordination, and I feel all shaky. But I can’t go to the Doctor. I am in a foreign country, I don’t speak the language, I don’t even know how to make a Doctor’s appointment. So I did go, I would have to take my boss, to translate. Then they will just think I’m crazy. I don’t think they will understand anxiety. I just need some sleep. 2 comments|Melt my heart?

[19 May 2008|05:36am] Today was great! I visited a temple near Kobe (center), and visited harbour land! Along with lots of fun shopping! Melt my heart?

[12 Apr 2008|09:54am] My apartment is Cool. The door is unlocked not by a key, but by a little metal dog tag. The inside lock glows in the dark, so you can see it. My kitchen is about 2 feet big. Even more tiny than anticipated, and literally not a counter in their, but its all brand new, and pretty. The Fridge is one of those bottom freezer drawer things that I have always wanted!!!! The bathroom is in two rooms, a toilet in a closet, and a wet room. The toilet is one of those freaky modern one, there is a CONTROL PANEL for it. It does many things ( some of the buttons have pictures.... I have no idea what the rest do, and I am kind of scared to find out.) One feature that is kind of bizzare, is a heated seat. The neat thing though, is ontop there is this fountain thing for washing your hands! The other bathroom, literally since it contains a bath, is what I call a wet room. Since you close the door and the whole thing is like a shower stall. The living room, is, small. I did ofcourse expect that. My tv is a flat screen HD though! And bonus, there is a loft! When I say loft, I mean an area of about 3 feet in height, but width and length wise it is the size of the whole apartment except for the living room. There is a ladder to get up to it. I had a loft bed back in Canada, so I decree it my bed room. Infact it is indeed intended as such, there is a recessed area with outlets, and cabel hook up, a window that takes up the far wall, and its own light and switch. So all in all my apartment is bigger, and FAR nicer than expected. Ooo wait, I forgot the coolest part, I have a little screen, so I can see who is at the door on my phone! So cool. Melt my heart?

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