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[30 Sep 2009|12:29am] |
It's now officially my 24th birthday.
It's both painful and depressing.
Anonther year passed. Nothing has changed, except now I'm older.
Maybe I shouldn't have come home from Japan, and wasted a whole year waiting....
Just waiting.
I HATE birthdays.
I'm to cranky to be eloquent.
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[07 Sep 2009|10:40pm] |
*GLOOM*
I'm in a bad mood.
and cranky.
Even though I had a lovely day with Tim.
Really, lovely.
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[07 Sep 2009|01:11am] |
So I've spent much of the day taking pictures of... Myself...
Am I dreadfully vain?
Maybe...
But mostly I've been working on my other blog, my make up/skin care blog.
So I took tons of product pictures.
And today, I was happy.
I like having a project. Creating things makes me happy.
But I took all the pictures of things that I could.
So I had to move on to pictures of myself, because all of the make up blogs I like best show examples!
It's no fun to just take some ones word that this such and such product makes my eyes pop.
no, you want to see it!
SO that's what I'm doing, but the result is I'm taking tons and tons of pictures of myself, with this light and that light at this angle, then this, then this...
It's waaaayyyyy less fun than taking pictures of other things, like tooth paste :)
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[04 Sep 2009|01:24am] |
So sleepy.
God damn.
Our future is ambiguous...
*cries*
But I can't bear to leave him.
Not again.
Nothing else matters without him
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[21 Aug 2009|03:17pm] |
I started a new position at work.
Sigh being transferred sucks....
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[24 Jul 2009|12:23am] |
I'm lonely.
I've been sick since sunday.
Sicker than I can remember being in a long time.
My family has been away.
So I've been all alone.
My voice is almost non-existant.
And since I might have Swine flu..... I can't see anyone.
It's only been five days, but It's felt like weeks.
Literally, I've been so sick that every hour has felt like many.
I couldn't even sleep to pass the time, I wake up every hour.
Now I'm feeling better.
It's stupid to be lonely.
It has served to remind me that I don't want to be alone anymore.
I miss Japan. I dream about it... I want to go back.
But I was right to leave.
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[30 Jun 2009|12:55pm] |
I bashed my head on the radiator last night as I tossed in sleep.
Maybe that account's for my sour mood this morning.
Although more likely, it's the taint of my dreams still lurking.
I dreamt about university, I dreamt about the pointlessness of my life, I dreamt about getting older.
The problem is, all the things I dreamt about are my current reality.
I've passed the age to fit in at University.
But I still haven't moved my life forwards since graduating.
I'm still wallowing in hesitation.
I'm still lurking in my parents house, unguided, unfocused, without goals or aspirations.
For a while, that was ok.
For a while I convinced myself that I didn't need to make a decision right away, that it was ok to wander....
But I'm sick of it.
I'm so tired of being here, in this backwater, hick of a city.
I HATE it here.
Like the teenager I long ago was, I hate the confines of this ... place.
But I've still done nothing to escape.
There are excuses, sure.
My boyfriend, whom I adore, he's still here. His family, my family, all are still here.
I'm broke, quite literally.
But they are excuses.
I'm lazy, and maybe a little scared.
Here is... comfortable, and easy.
Basically it's safe.
It's just not enough. Not anymore.
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[19 May 2009|10:10pm] |
I'm in LONDON!!!!!
Whoot!
Today we went to Hamleys's, the Gigantic toy store.
It's Massive... Six or seven stories.
We also went to sulfridges, the Marble arch, Trafalga square, Buckingham palace, trocadero...
So much walking :)
But it's good.
Plus for dinner we ate at an Irish pub.
Mmmm Guinness and Fish and Chips!
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[14 Apr 2009|06:47pm] |
One thing I think is super important is to remember not to compare the relationship to what it was at the beginning.
Like when you felt so close, so compatible, and so happy...
I think we tend to think that the relationship should always be like that...
I know you've been through a lot of relationships, and studied this stuff in philosophy, but It's like you can't help but wonder if something is wrong with the relationship when you aren't as happy as you were, and things are different...
(stupid Media)
SO eve though it's the change that's made you uneasy, it's not really good to look back and think, oh he's changed, oh I've changed.... oh our relationship is different now is that good or bad.
All that matters is can you be happy with this person? Is your day better because he's there? Is he the person you want to talk to about everything? And... do you like the person who he is now...
It sounds cheesy.... But if the person he is now is a person who can still make you happy, then this is just a rough patch, and you can work through it.
It took me forever to figure all of this out... even though mentally I knew that relationships change, and the initial feelings of closeness always go away... It's different when you go through it.
But one thing I don't think you will ever regret is trying to make it work. Give it a little more time, and see if the changes, make him into a little bit different but still lovable/loving person.
But one thing I really think you shouldn't do, is compromise your happiness (Not to sound like doctor Phil...). So if you try and get past your fears about him being obsessed with facebook and all of these changes, but you are still uncomfortable, and still unhappy, than it's ok to let the relationship go.
So give it time, and really try. That way you will have no regrets.
-M
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[05 Apr 2009|11:57pm] |
I've also being driving myself crazy.
I've bee teasing my boyfriend about getting married.
But it's making me paraoid... I don't want to be one of those girls who drops hints.... ad then make the guy all poanicky and pressured....
But... I can't seem to keep my mouth shut.
I don't even want to get married right now.
Plus I really son't want a wedding....
So why do I kep making pointed jokes?
I'm an idiot?? Maybe.....
What it really is, is my Tim wanted to get married, way back in the early days of our relationship.
I didn't ( I hate being tied down...)
Then we went though lots of mess, and ended up here, steady, happy, together.
But all teh mess made me realize that regardless whether or not marriage is stupid, I love Tim,
so someday..... when we are older and in a more settled (ie decent jobs, not living with our parents, etc.) place in our lives, I would like to one day....
But Tim, for a while had flipped on his perspective on marriage.
Cinsudering all the mess our relationship went through, I understand.
I think the jokes are my way (not so subtly damnit) of checking to see if someday, maybe he would possibly want the same thing.
It's stupid... and oh so girly.
I just don't want my heart to be all broken again....
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[05 Apr 2009|11:56pm] |
Last week was a long, bad week.
I had an IUD put in on monday, ad oh my fuck, it hurt.
I didn't expect it to be some mind numbingly painful.
It's almost been a full week, and I still feel all bruised and sore.
If I'm sitting up for very long I start to ache....
then bleed....
Gross.
I didn't expect to be in pain for so long...
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[30 Mar 2009|10:05pm] |
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Like an alzheimer's patient in a whore house....
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[07 Mar 2009|12:44am] |
There are things I can't forget.
It's true as we get older, things change. Life gets harder. We grow, we change. But I think more than anything, we learn to deal with shit.
We suck it up and get a job.
We deal with more complicated and fucked up shit, and take on more responsibility.
But I think, really it's the opposite.
We figure out how to make the outside better.
We learn how to look like.... what we're supposed to be, who we are supposed to be.
But inside, we just get more fucked up.
....
It's never going to stop bugging me.
I can't get past it.
I decided to try.
I decided it was worth it.
Maybe it is.
But I can't forget. I try, when i find my train of thoughts heading in that direction, I do everything I can not to think....
Even thinking I will not think about it.
is enough, enough to not be thinking.
It's at the edge of my thoughts. always
There are worse things. I am sure I will see them as i get older.
But nothing has ever bothered me, broken me, this way.
So is it worth it...
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[22 Jan 2009|12:52am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 restless |
] |
It seems I can ever escape the feelings of restlessness.
I had a wonderful day, I was happy, I had fun.
Now that I have returned to my home, now that I'm alone, I feel....
Empty.
Lost.
..
I think I am at the place in my life when I don't want a plan.
I need a plan, but I want to say fuck it all and DO something.
I am here, exisiting.
Day after day, struggling to make it through a job that is going nowheres.
Living for my empty days off.
I want to LIVE.
I have a plan, I have a purpose, I have a dream.
I keeping working towards it, though the work is endless, though my efforts seem pointless.
It's not enough.
Then there is Tim.
I love him.
I ran off to Japan.
It was my dream once.
It was wonderful.
I was empty.
So instead I have turned around and gone the opposite way.
I want a middle ground.
I want to make the restlessness go away,
I don't want to be empty.
There is no middle ground.
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[09 Jan 2009|02:18pm] |
*smiles*
Yesterday was awesome.
My mood has been going down hill for the last while...
I don't know, just tired of work, tired of people constantly being around, tired of my family....
Yesterday my Boyfriend and I finally had a coninciding day off.
We had lunch, hung out, did a little shopping.
Nothing overly exciting.
But it was wonderful.
I've him.
Werid, but trying to catch an hour or two to hag out, when we are both tired, it's not the same.
So yesterday, was just wonderful :)
I'm really happy.
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[18 Dec 2008|06:43pm] |
There is a career I have dreamed of since I was a little girl. Something so perfect, so wonderful, that I never tell anyone (well nearly) that is something I have even considered doing.
The desire is too close to my heart, that the idea that it might not be in me to do, that I might never succeed, leaves me hollow.
It's too dear to share. It's too wishful to bear others scrutiny.
None the less, I have been working towards its, in bits and pieces, the possibility never far from my mind, for a goodly number of years.
But the odd part is, though it is my dearest dream, it would also be the worst job for me.
I procrastinate. I am unreliable, possibly unpredictable.
My chosen profession requires a level of personal commitment I am simply incapable of.
The position requires less interaction with strangers, with people, and ugh how I loathe people.
So it is attr4active to me.
However without forced social interaction, perhaps I will wither, or become strange on my own.
But most significantly, it would require for me to put myself out there. Allow myself to be judge, evaluated, by others, by strangers....
Worse, by people I actually know.
Even with only praise, even if everyone would think I was brilliant, to let someone evaluate something so personal, it horrifies me.
And finally, I don't even think I am very good.
I could bear everything else if I could just be good.
The level of personal satisfaction would be incomprehensible.
But I'm not.
So.....
I keep going anyways.
TO not, would deny who I am.
To invite regret.
So onwards I forge.
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[18 Dec 2008|03:46pm] |
I miss japan.
I've been home for over two months. My thoughts though keep flicking back to japan.
It's never far from my thoughts.
Maybe I wouldn't miss it so much if I wasn't here in sydney. The place I want to be least of all the world.
Maybe if I had a job that gave me purpose, that I was good at, that enjoyed, rather than one which is only tolerable when its not busy, and essentially I don't have to do my job.
It's not that I was happy.
Maybe I am never happy.
But I was doing something.
I could go out and do something exciting, have once in a life time experiences, whenever.
I had oppertunities, adventures, I had fun.
Here..... the days blurr, there is but one thing I look forwards to.
For that one reason, I don't regret coming back.
It was time.
I just can't stay.
Even for him.
I want to do something.
I want to go out and have fun.
I missing going drinking after work.
I miss spending my weekends shopping in Osaka, and having the money to do so.
I long for the solitude of my perfect apartment.
There is a saying that of three things, job, home and relationship.
It is possible to only ever have two of the three.
I traded a job and apartment that I were really growing to fit me.
That were really starting to create a life I was fitting into and enjoying, for the third.
I have no regrets.
I just miss the rest.
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[28 Nov 2008|10:37pm] |
Today I got my computer back!!!
After 2 months with HP being fixed, finally finally, it has been returned.
Plus, this time it appears to be fixed!
yata!
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