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Heart of Flame

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[12 Apr 2008|09:54am]
My apartment is Cool.
The door is unlocked not by a key, but by a little metal dog tag. The inside lock glows in the dark, so you can see it.
My kitchen is about 2 feet big. Even more tiny than anticipated, and literally not a counter in their, but its all brand new, and pretty. The Fridge is one of those bottom freezer drawer things that I have always wanted!!!!
The bathroom is in two rooms, a toilet in a closet, and a wet room.
The toilet is one of those freaky modern one, there is a CONTROL PANEL for it. It does many things ( some of the buttons have pictures.... I have no idea what the rest do, and I am kind of scared to find out.) One feature that is kind of bizzare, is a heated seat.
The neat thing though, is ontop there is this fountain thing for washing your hands!
The other bathroom, literally since it contains a bath, is what I call a wet room. Since you close the door and the whole thing is like a shower stall.

The living room, is, small. I did ofcourse expect that. My tv is a flat screen HD though!
And bonus, there is a loft! When I say loft, I mean an area of about 3 feet in height, but width and length wise it is the size of the whole apartment except for the living room.
There is a ladder to get up to it.
I had a loft bed back in Canada, so I decree it my bed room. Infact it is indeed intended as such, there is a recessed area with outlets, and cabel hook up, a window that takes up the far wall, and its own light and switch.

So all in all my apartment is bigger, and FAR nicer than expected.
Ooo wait, I forgot the coolest part, I have a little screen, so I can see who is at the door on my phone!
So cool.
Melt my heart?

[12 Apr 2008|09:53am]
Saturday April 12th

Today I checked out of my tempoary lodgings at the Weekly green, my hotel in Osaka. Packing up, and cleaning up everything is a quick process, I just shoved everything into my gigantic hawaiian print bag, everything needs to be washed anyways.
Then its time to check out. A surprisingly simple process, I gave the man the key, and I was free.
Luckily he didn’t charge me for that time I lost my key. We were warned at the beginning of the week, that it usually was $10 to be let into the room. Nothing this time though :)

Then it was off to work.
Its Saturday, and I have to go to work. This is a stupid job I have to say. We spent a couple of pointless hours in meetings, and then a ridiculous little pinning ceremony.
The Pin for my company, the little tiny thing with the company name on it is property of the company. If I happen to lose it (which knowing me is likely), I have to write a personal letter of apology to the president of the company.
...

Anyways, after the ceremony the Manager of my school comes to escort me to my apartment. This entails taking the subway, then an hour long train ride, then anonther subway. All of this with my gigantic hawiiain bag, which is sadly not one of those nice rolling bags. Nor is it designed for easy carrying. In fact is kind of like a gigantic garbage bag made out of hawiaian print fabric, with handles. The handle, ofcourse I break about ten minutes into this venture.

So at the end of the Train ride, we arrive in Kobe, the city in which I will be living. We trek up multiple flights of stairs (sadly without escalators), onto find the subway.
Then I find out that rather than going to my apartment, we are actually going to work.
My new work, at my new school.
Blah.
The subway stop for work is at the very end of the subway line, my apartment is in the middle, so we are passing right by it.....

We arrive at the end of the line, I drag my bag up a few more flights of stairs, and we arrive at the school, its directly over the subway station. This pretty much rocks, because it will minimize my commuting time!
I am brought into the brand new school. Its tiny, but nice.
I meet my co-workers. They seem quite nice.
Marco, the other forgein teacher shows me around the school, and gives me a brief tour of the area.
The School, which is a top a subway station, is also basically within a big shopping area, so there are a couple of grocery stores, a whole bunch of resteraunts, and two nice sized book stores.
It’s a good spot actually.
After the tour, Marco goes off to teach a class, I sit and play my game boy, until the Manager is ready to take me to my apartment (2 unpaid hours later....)
The other piece of luggage I had brought to Japan with me, which I had ay to sent to work, is here in storage. So I drag it, out. This bag is a very large rolling bad, with a nice long, broken handle.
*sigh* luggage really doesn’t like me.
Oh and the weight of my bags? Both are just under the limit allowed by the airlines, so basically they are damn heavy.

I drag everything back down to the subway (notably dragging two very heavy bags down a set of stairs sucks almost as much as trying to drag them up....)
And back on to the Subway to go back the way we came!

We arrive at Shin-nagata. Where I will now call home. The station, thankfully, has an elevator to the street. So we take that (yay!)
Then we walk the two blocks from the station to my apartment.

My apartment is a second floor walk up. Some nice guy carries the heavier bag up for me!
And we are there. Apartment 202.
The door is unlocked. Yay. I have arrived!
Melt my heart?

[06 Apr 2008|08:16pm]
It is Day two of My Japan journey.
It is 2pm atlantic, and 10am here in sanfranciso
I am sitting here waiting to board my flight to Japan.

Yesterday, was Long. I arrived early for my flight, 8am, having been awake since 5, and having gone to bed at 4.
But the ride ot the airport went quickly and smoothly.
All was well until i got into the line to check in.
Only 4 people were in front of me, all going on the same flight.
So i stood and waited, spoke to the man behind me who was a Washington native (and therefore heading home), and the woman ahead of me who was heading down to florida. both quite nice people.
And so we wait,
and wait
and wait.
9am arrives, and nothing.
The woman ahead of me goes off to find out whats going on.
And discovers our flight has been cancelled.
CANCELLED
Things start moving, I am feeling stressed, and wishing feverently i could just go home.
My journey hasn't even started and I already want nothing more than to go home.
Finnally its my turn at the ticket counter. I am told that my travel agent should have called me, and should have rerouted me.
(stupid Mari Abe)
But the guy took care of it, sending me to Chicago instead of washington.
This is all fine, until he tells me when the flight is leaving.
4:30 in the afternoon.
It's 9:05 in the morning!
But there are no other options, so we tag my bags, and i drag them over to put them over on the conveyor.
Now in the halifax airport you have to drag your own bags, down the hall, after they have been tagged, so they can be x-rayed.
One bag goes up and off.
The other they pull aside to be searched.
I cheerfully move aside with it, I know there is nothing of interest in there.
The guard chats me up, asking where I live, because I look eereily like one of her daughters children, and she is sure she knows me from somewheres. The anonther woman comes over to help, and we all yank open the broken zipper.
Then I see it, my godamn vibrator, just sitting there right on top.
I had meant to stick in a sock.
I didn't care if the X-ray people saw it, and tehy would even hidden in a sock, but its anonther thing entirely for it to be sitting there out in the open, while two strangers search my bag.
They dig around, completely ignoring it, while i completely mortified, pretend it is simply not there.
They find nothing susicious in my bag.
And infact it is my makeup bag that looked suspicious (how, i don't know.....)
So my suitcase goes off on the conveyor..........
And I hurry off.

It is only 9:15 (god that was a loooong 15 minutes...)
I am only a 20 minute drive from my boyfriends place, but he doesn't have a car.
But my grandma, she is also not very far, and she has a car.
Since I have 7 hours before my flight, i use my last quarter to call her.
She picks up, asking me how i'm doing.
I tell her about my flight being cancelled.
She mimes concern.
I ask her if she could pick me up
No, she has to wait for the floor guys.

My only other option would be a cab, which to go back to my b/f's and back to the airport would cost about 80 dollars.
But seven hours!
Anyways, I don't go.


I go off to a computer desk, thinking, well I have my laptop along, with all the seasons of friends, at least I will have something to do.
I sit down on this bizzarely comfortable chair, and pull out my laptop, immediatly realizing that I had actually packed my laptop cord into my luggage.
Which means, no way to power the stupid thing.
So what to do? My laptop has a two hour battery, I have a seven hour wait ahead of me, but then two flights, one to chigago (3 hours) and then to Sanfrancisco, (5 hours), and I figure that using the laptop on the plane, when I am squished into a narrow middle seat is the far better use of its power.

So I pull out a book.
I am about a chapter into my book when i see i small movement.
Its a little chicakdee, then theres anonther, and anonther.
4 in total, tiny little adorable birds, inside the indoor airport.
The land right in front of me, and hop along the ground, pecking for food, or fly around chashing each other.
Its a beautiful sight.


----

so hours pass.... My book is excellent at least, and I spend time wandering around the airport.... boring, boring.
Finnally its time to go through security to catch my flight (which takes all of 2minutes, so i end up having to wait an hour before actually boarding.)
Luckily, witht eh change of flights, my seats also changed, so for both flights I end up with window seats!!!
On the flight ot chicago, there are two empty seats across the aisle, so the woman assigned to the seat next to me, actually moves over there, leaving, wonderfully the two seats all to myself.
The first flight, isn't so bad. although, already I am tired.
I arrive in the MASSIVE chigao airport, and exit the plane, I look around, hoping to go to the bathroom, get something to eat and all that, but i glance up at the clock.
It says 6:12.
My mouth drops open, it couldn't be.
I hastily dig out my ticket.
Godamn, my flight leaves at 6:30, it started boarding at six!
I glance around at the signs, one points me in the direction of the proper gate, i rush in that direction.
I make it in time.

---

The flight from Chicago to San francisco is agonizingly long. I have been blessed with a window seat, but the two seats next to me both contain people. diretly next to me is a man named Sarje. He's really nice, and Engineer in Sanfrancisco.
we don't really talk much though, I am really out of it, being exhausted, home sick, and stressed.
they lay the Movie, The golden Compass. I've never seen it, and though not an excellent movie, intresting, and amusing. The acting of Dakota Blue something is excellent though!
And everytime the plane bumps, I freak out.
I am so passed tired.
I keep thinking about how rare it is that plane crashes happen, but how everyone pretty much dies when they do.
And I can't stop myself thinking about it.
Then i think about how if I was going to die, i'd rather not know ahead of time, like go in my sleep, or something along those lines.
Which is not a good thing to start thinking, because then I start thinking that if I fall asleep the plane will crash.
But it is 2 in the morning, and i am so tired.
But i can't sleep, just in case.
I know its not at all logical, but i can't stop myself from thinking it, and thinking about all the people i would miss.
But as we are reparing for landing, we fly really low of teh water front, I discover that San Francisco is the most beauttiful city I have ever seen at night, the sky is cloudless, the lights are beautiful.

and the plane arrives safely in sanfrancisco.

I get my luggage 9with luckily no long wait at the luggage conveyor or anything!) and without too much difficultly i find where the hotel shuttles come. I drag my luggage, the large overweight suitcase on wheels, whose handle i manged to break, and so have to basically carry, and the other two bags which i have to sling over my sholders, and combined feel like they weight a ton.

I plop them down and wait for the shuttle to the 'good night inn'
shuttle after shuttle passes by, but they are all for the big hotels, the same ones come over and over and over again. I am waiting, swaying on my feet, and shaking, thats how tired i am. I just want to be home, and if not that, somewheres where I can lay down.
I haven't eaten since lunch time (its now 3 or 4 in the morning) because of the stuid chigao thing. but I am too tired to even care.
Finnally an hour later, the shuttle arrives, and transports me teh 5 minute drive to hotel.
I check in ( My first time ever getting a hotel for myself, or staying in one alone!)
The woman marks on a map where my room is.
So I go out the back door, the hotel is more like a motel, so all the doors go outside, and drag my bags down a looong looong path.
I look for my room.
i don't see it.
Why? because it's up stairs.
And the only way to get upstairs, is to take the stairs, no elevator.
i go over to them, and for a minute, i just stand tehre and look at them. I stand there swaying on my feet, thinking about how I was barely able to drag all my stuff this far, how i am literally trembling with exhaustion, and now i have to carry my bags up this long flight of stairs.

I manuver the bags hanging from my shoulders into a better position, and hoist up my gigantic rolling bag. I can barely lift it an inch of the ground, and i half drag, half carry it all upstairs.
I make my way over to the front, and up a few mini steps, but my room is in the back.
I want to cry, those stupid mini steps had just about done me in, and i had not needed to drag everything up them.

I drag my bags around back, and find my room.
I open it up, dump everything inside, and fall onto the bed.
I am too tired to move, or cry, or even sleep.
I just lay there.
After a minute or two, with out the crushing weight of my bags, i get up, put the chain across the door.
And I know I should try and call Tim, my boyfriend. I promised I would.
I desperately want to, but the effort seems like too much.
I have no idea where my phone card is.
I search.
I can't find it.
Now i really start crying.
I don't have the strength to go out, to try and get anonther one, to try and do anything, and I can't afford to just use my credit card to call.
i go and lay back down again, i turn on the tv, find discovery channel, which comforts me because it is my faovrite channel back home, and after a minute, i am calm enough to look for my calling card one more time.
i find it.
Thank god.
Call Tim.
It is so wonderful just to hear his voice.
I am unbelivably home sick, deserately wishing i had never gone on this stupid trip, and just plain miss him.
He was awake, though it was early in the morning, he had been waiting for my call.
and at that moment, it was so worht finding that stupid card.
I let him go after just a few minutes.
But, talking to him made me feel so much better, so much stronger. Like I can actually do this.
Melt my heart?

[04 Apr 2008|09:52am]
April 4th 2008

My morning in San Francisco was unexciting. Contiental breakfast at the hotel, a beautiful walk on a lovely sunny california morning, and then it was time to get ready and go.
I re-organized my luggage a little, so the large suitcase was no longer top heavy and inclined to tip over, and i got some duct tape from the front desk, fixing the broken handle, so I could actually pull the thing along.
In fact, with those improvements i felt almost cheerful.
The shuttle arrived a few minutes late to take me to the airport, but teh driver was nice, and took me to the exact place i needed to be!
San Francisco airport is quite large, and so I was quite worried that I would have trouble finding where i needed to go, but no problems, and i was done and through security in about 20 minutes.
So i was left with more than an hour before my flight was supposed to even start boarding.
I changed some money to Yen, and found this really cool vending machine that sells electronics, like Psp's and battlefront 2 (the game), it was like the neatest most high tech vending machine ever!

I found a comfortable spot to sit in front of my gate (which was really easy to find :) )
and plugged my computer into a socket (I remembered to put the power cord into my carry on luggage this time!!!!), and watched Mad money ( a terrible movie) until it was time to board.


The flight from san francisco to Osaka, Japan, is about 12 hours (not including the hour ou spending sitting on the plane before boarding and taxing through the airport and such.... all in all it ends u being over 13 on the plane itself.)
My seat was the middle of the middle. The worst seat of all, right in the middle of four other seats.
But luckily, very luckily, the seats on either side of me are empty! So I end up with tons of space.
At each end, there is some one sitting, a man on one side, and a japanese woman on the other.
The Man looks like a proffessor.
We chat during the long wait for the plane ot take off, He is an English teacher in Osaka, teaches at a private school. he's been teaching there for 20 years!
He offers me lots of advice on life in japan, and by the end of the flight we have exchange emails, in case i need anyhelp or advice while I'm over here!
Melt my heart?

[03 Apr 2008|09:51am]
It is Day two of My Japan journey.
It is 2pm atlantic, and 10am here in sanfranciso
I am sitting here waiting to board my flight to Japan.

Yesterday, was Long. I arrived early for my flight, 8am, having been awake since 5, and having gone to bed at 4.
But the ride ot the airport went quickly and smoothly.
All was well until i got into the line to check in.
Only 4 people were in front of me, all going on the same flight.
So i stood and waited, spoke to the man behind me who was a Washington native (and therefore heading home), and the woman ahead of me who was heading down to florida. both quite nice people.
And so we wait,
and wait
and wait.
9am arrives, and nothing.
The woman ahead of me goes off to find out whats going on.
And discovers our flight has been cancelled.
CANCELLED
Things start moving, I am feeling stressed, and wishing feverently i could just go home.
My journey hasn't even started and I already want nothing more than to go home.
Finnally its my turn at the ticket counter. I am told that my travel agent should have called me, and should have rerouted me.
(stupid Mari Abe)
But the guy took care of it, sending me to Chicago instead of washington.
This is all fine, until he tells me when the flight is leaving.
4:30 in the afternoon.
It's 9:05 in the morning!
But there are no other options, so we tag my bags, and i drag them over to put them over on the conveyor.
Now in the halifax airport you have to drag your own bags, down the hall, after they have been tagged, so they can be x-rayed.
One bag goes up and off.
The other they pull aside to be searched.
I cheerfully move aside with it, I know there is nothing of interest in there.
The guard chats me up, asking where I live, because I look eereily like one of her daughters children, and she is sure she knows me from somewheres. The anonther woman comes over to help, and we all yank open the broken zipper.
Then I see it, my godamn vibrator, just sitting there right on top.
I had meant to stick in a sock.
I didn't care if the X-ray people saw it, and tehy would even hidden in a sock, but its anonther thing entirely for it to be sitting there out in the open, while two strangers search my bag.
They dig around, completely ignoring it, while i completely mortified, pretend it is simply not there.
They find nothing susicious in my bag.
And infact it is my makeup bag that looked suspicious (how, i don't know.....)
So my suitcase goes off on the conveyor..........
And I hurry off.

It is only 9:15 (god that was a loooong 15 minutes...)
I am only a 20 minute drive from my boyfriends place, but he doesn't have a car.
But my grandma, she is also not very far, and she has a car.
Since I have 7 hours before my flight, i use my last quarter to call her.
She picks up, asking me how i'm doing.
I tell her about my flight being cancelled.
She mimes concern.
I ask her if she could pick me up
No, she has to wait for the floor guys.

My only other option would be a cab, which to go back to my b/f's and back to the airport would cost about 80 dollars.
But seven hours!
Anyways, I don't go.


I go off to a computer desk, thinking, well I have my laptop along, with all the seasons of friends, at least I will have something to do.
I sit down on this bizzarely comfortable chair, and pull out my laptop, immediatly realizing that I had actually packed my laptop cord into my luggage.
Which means, no way to power the stupid thing.
So what to do? My laptop has a two hour battery, I have a seven hour wait ahead of me, but then two flights, one to chigago (3 hours) and then to Sanfrancisco, (5 hours), and I figure that using the laptop on the plane, when I am squished into a narrow middle seat is the far better use of its power.

So I pull out a book.
I am about a chapter into my book when i see i small movement.
Its a little chicakdee, then theres anonther, and anonther.
4 in total, tiny little adorable birds, inside the indoor airport.
The land right in front of me, and hop along the ground, pecking for food, or fly around chashing each other.
Its a beautiful sight.


----

so hours pass.... My book is excellent at least, and I spend time wandering around the airport.... boring, boring.
Finnally its time to go through security to catch my flight (which takes all of 2minutes, so i end up having to wait an hour before actually boarding.)
Luckily, witht eh change of flights, my seats also changed, so for both flights I end up with window seats!!!
On the flight ot chicago, there are two empty seats across the aisle, so the woman assigned to the seat next to me, actually moves over there, leaving, wonderfully the two seats all to myself.
The first flight, isn't so bad. although, already I am tired.
I arrive in the MASSIVE chigao airport, and exit the plane, I look around, hoping to go to the bathroom, get something to eat and all that, but i glance up at the clock.
It says 6:12.
My mouth drops open, it couldn't be.
I hastily dig out my ticket.
Godamn, my flight leaves at 6:30, it started boarding at six!
I glance around at the signs, one points me in the direction of the proper gate, i rush in that direction.
I make it in time.

---

The flight from Chicago to San francisco is agonizingly long. I have been blessed with a window seat, but the two seats next to me both contain people. diretly next to me is a man named Sarje. He's really nice, and Engineer in Sanfrancisco.
we don't really talk much though, I am really out of it, being exhausted, home sick, and stressed.
they lay the Movie, The golden Compass. I've never seen it, and though not an excellent movie, intresting, and amusing. The acting of Dakota Blue something is excellent though!
And everytime the plane bumps, I freak out.
I am so passed tired.
I keep thinking about how rare it is that plane crashes happen, but how everyone pretty much dies when they do.
And I can't stop myself thinking about it.
Then i think about how if I was going to die, i'd rather not know ahead of time, like go in my sleep, or something along those lines.
Which is not a good thing to start thinking, because then I start thinking that if I fall asleep the plane will crash.
But it is 2 in the morning, and i am so tired.
But i can't sleep, just in case.
I know its not at all logical, but i can't stop myself from thinking it, and thinking about all the people i would miss.
But as we are reparing for landing, we fly really low of teh water front, I discover that San Francisco is the most beauttiful city I have ever seen at night, the sky is cloudless, the lights are beautiful.

and the plane arrives safely in sanfrancisco.

I get my luggage 9with luckily no long wait at the luggage conveyor or anything!) and without too much difficultly i find where the hotel shuttles come. I drag my luggage, the large overweight suitcase on wheels, whose handle i manged to break, and so have to basically carry, and the other two bags which i have to sling over my sholders, and combined feel like they weight a ton.

I plop them down and wait for the shuttle to the 'good night inn'
shuttle after shuttle passes by, but they are all for the big hotels, the same ones come over and over and over again. I am waiting, swaying on my feet, and shaking, thats how tired i am. I just want to be home, and if not that, somewheres where I can lay down.
I haven't eaten since lunch time (its now 3 or 4 in the morning) because of the stuid chigao thing. but I am too tired to even care.
Finnally an hour later, the shuttle arrives, and transports me teh 5 minute drive to hotel.
I check in ( My first time ever getting a hotel for myself, or staying in one alone!)
The woman marks on a map where my room is.
So I go out the back door, the hotel is more like a motel, so all the doors go outside, and drag my bags down a looong looong path.
I look for my room.
i don't see it.
Why? because it's up stairs.
And the only way to get upstairs, is to take the stairs, no elevator.
i go over to them, and for a minute, i just stand tehre and look at them. I stand there swaying on my feet, thinking about how I was barely able to drag all my stuff this far, how i am literally trembling with exhaustion, and now i have to carry my bags up this long flight of stairs.

I manuver the bags hanging from my shoulders into a better position, and hoist up my gigantic rolling bag. I can barely lift it an inch of the ground, and i half drag, half carry it all upstairs.
I make my way over to the front, and up a few mini steps, but my room is in the back.
I want to cry, those stupid mini steps had just about done me in, and i had not needed to drag everything up them.

I drag my bags around back, and find my room.
I open it up, dump everything inside, and fall onto the bed.
I am too tired to move, or cry, or even sleep.
I just lay there.
After a minute or two, with out the crushing weight of my bags, i get up, put the chain across the door.
And I know I should try and call Tim, my boyfriend. I promised I would.
I desperately want to, but the effort seems like too much.
I have no idea where my phone card is.
I search.
I can't find it.
Now i really start crying.
I don't have the strength to go out, to try and get anonther one, to try and do anything, and I can't afford to just use my credit card to call.
i go and lay back down again, i turn on the tv, find discovery channel, which comforts me because it is my faovrite channel back home, and after a minute, i am calm enough to look for my calling card one more time.
i find it.
Thank god.
Call Tim.
It is so wonderful just to hear his voice.
I am unbelivably home sick, deserately wishing i had never gone on this stupid trip, and just plain miss him.
He was awake, though it was early in the morning, he had been waiting for my call.
and at that moment, it was so worht finding that stupid card.
I let him go after just a few minutes.
But, talking to him made me feel so much better, so much stronger. Like I can actually do this.
Melt my heart?

[23 Feb 2008|05:23am]
The Panic attacks have started again.
It's 5:30 in the morning, the sun has started to come up, and I can't sleep, because everytime i lay down, I start to think, and then i can't breathe.
I'm not ok.
I keep being tempted to call tim.
I really wish he had stayed the night.
But I can't, he is asleep.
I just want to hear his voice, hear him talk, have him distract me.
Just something so I can get a couple hours sleep.
even now, the panic is there just under the surface.
I feel like any moment, I am going to drown.

I think I am breaking.
I really really don't like this descision looming over my head.
During the day I'm ok.

I can't take this.
I wish someone would help.
I keep asking for advice. But no one seems to want to give it
All i get is, 'do what you want', or 'I don't want to stop you.'
If i knew what i wanted i'd be ok.
I don't want someone to make the desicsion for me,
I just need help figuring out what the best descision is.
2 comments|Melt my heart?

[20 Feb 2008|02:35am]
On one hand, there is a tingle of excitement at the thought of going. Thinking of the things i would like to do, a tiny little bit of excitement.
But then tehre is teh crippling, physically painful agony, can't bear to think about it, talking about except for when I am doing my best emotionless self brings me near to tears.
And teh panic attacks.
I am trying to sleep, and I can't breathe, I can't breathe.
I haven't had panic attacks for months and months, not since the call center.
I was doing so well.
And these are so much worse.
Tommorow I will be ok, in daylight I will be able to pretend i'm ok, that i kind of want this.
I don't know what to do, but I can't sleep, I can't breathe, and I can't stop crying.
Somehow I don't think I am making the right choice.
But everybody else thinks so.
I don't know what to do.
I feel like I can't stop.
Help please
Melt my heart?

[19 Feb 2008|02:59am]
I am going mad.
I don't know what to do. I have to decide by 11 tommorow morning.
I should know by now, i don't know why this is so hard. I don't know why I am so conflicted.
I have this amazing oppertunity, that a year ago i would have jumped at.
I have been offered a job in japan.
I have wanted to go to Japan since I was nine.
I've wanted to move far far away for even longer.
But something changed. I changed. I can't even put my finger on why, but I don't want to go. God I don't want to go.
So simple right, just don't go.
But oh no, I am miserable here. I am too old to be living at home. I hate it.
I dread going to sleep because i dread having to wake up and face anonther day.
I'd move, but i have nowheres to go, nothing to do, no direction, no reason to waste my life not doing something.
So here, falling into my lap is my perfect oppertunity, my 'dream'.
And I don't even want to think about.
Please don't make me go.
And then there is one more final complication, Tim, my boyfriend.
I am mad about him.
He makes me happy.
We've been dating off and on for pretty much the past five years.
So if i leave, well, he will stay here.
I can't ask him to wait for me. Thats not fair, he was happy without me, and long distance is long and painful.
it fucking sucks.

So what will make me happy?
well
Japan
Pros
adventure,
purpose,
not being here

and the cons.
being fucking lonely, hiding in a tiny apartment leaving only to go to my sucky job, and going a bit crazy as I tend to do when I am alll alone


Staying here, which doesn't mean necessarily in my parents house

Pros
being with my boyfriend, although still possibly long distance, but shorter long distance.....
Having friends :) and a car and all my stuff
The possiblity of a job I might actually like, or going to school to do something....

Cons
Being fucking here
not knowing what the hell to do with my life
Wasting money
Having nowheres to live....



So, conclusion, japan makes more sense. Right?
Right?

So why is it that just thinking about going makes me want to cry?
Melt my heart?

[11 Feb 2008|05:24pm]
So I am back in sydney again.
I didn't get to go to the ball.
I guess its not really important. But I really wanted to go. It just reminds me of that first ball we went to, back in first year university, when Tim looked so cute in his Tux, and I was so happy.
And since this is the last year of his under grad, well its kind of our last chance to go to one.
So i was all excited just to go and dance and have fun with him.
But I guess it just wasn't in the cards for me.
Melt my heart?

[31 Jan 2008|03:06am]
[ music | The pierces - secret ]

I can't sleep.
I can never sleep.
It's 3 am, at 11 I was exhausted, ready to drop off.

I can't sleep, because the sooner i go off to sleep, the sooner I have to wake up and face tommorow.
Not tommorow Jan 31st specifically,
But tommorows in general.

It's this life.
Each day weighs on me,
heavier than the last.
Until I feel as though I am drowning
Until I don't know which way is up.

I can't breathe.
This life is choking me.
I can't face it for much longer.
I can't do this.


So what am I going to do?
Follow my pattern, and run away.
Run away from the inescapable, all the while destroying the few things that I do treasure?

It's a lose lose situation.
Stay, and die a little more everyday. Become a shell of my self.
Or leave, to go nowheres,
And have nothing, for I will have to give any chance of coming back.

I am so lost.
So I have stayed.
Here I know and all.
But I can't sleep,
and I know exactly why.

Melt my heart?

[26 Jan 2008|02:15am]
[ mood | happy ]

Tim bought me kenny's today
A big yummy pepperoni pizza.
Today was awesome.
I am happy

Melt my heart?

[24 Jan 2008|04:18pm]
:)
Tim has come home for a couple of days. He brought me a random present from chapters.
It's so cute, its a little library set. *laughs* its so nerday and adorable. It has one of those little stamps with the date and everything.
:D
Melt my heart?

[22 Jan 2008|12:33am]
[ music | a perfect circle - weak and powerless ]

It would prove that nothing has changed.
but I didn't, which just means its all fucking inconclusive.
I know nothing has changed, i know everything has changed.
It doesn't really matter anyways.
Or it does
I am so lost.
this reality is of my own making. My actions, the sum of my decisions have lead me here.
And i truly believe I deserve what I get, karma and all that.
and maybe thats the heart of the problem.
Go ahead, break me, use me, abuse me.
It doesn't matter, because I will just believe I deserve it.
Truth.

It's only half the problem.
The other half is the absolute certainty about what I really want, and since i can't have that, the absolute uncertainty about everything else.
So i am just drifting along.
And it's painful.
Each day is just a little bit worse.
I can't sleep, because I don't want to have to wake up and face tommorow.

I am making no progress, because I have no goals.
The freedom is killing me.

and it has lead me to the exact same place where I felt desperate and trapped.
Ah the irony.

and I won't say anything, because all this is my fault anyways.
I have nothing to say, because nothing I could say would change any of it anyways.

Melt my heart?

[09 Oct 2007|09:06pm]
I am Broken.
Tim did things with a girl. He replaced me. So easily, so quickly.
Whereas I, months later love him with all my heart. I am heart broken. Absolutely.
Buts its not just the replacing, which pains me, quicks me to the quick.
Words cannont express how bad I hurt.
I could have dealt, would have been ok, if he had've told me before.
before we had sex. Then simply I wouldn't have not had sex with him.
I did it because it was Tim the man I love. Even if things couldn't be magically better, for a little while i could be happy and close to him. Touch him. And remember us being happy.
To me it was making love even though i hate that phrase, and I olny cried because I was so happy because I had missed him that badly.
But he did things with me, knowing all this.
After he had been with someone else.
God how could he do that.
He went out of his way to seduce me. Used my feelings for him to get me into bed. Played on my feelings for him
But its tim, and I didn't think he was like that.
I mean i did know that it was something he had kind of planned. I just figured it was kind of like me, who didn't actually plan to, was just excited to see him, and was happy to let things take there course, maybe.
But even that night, I hesitated, and said I loved him, and missed him, and just wanted to be with him.
And he said all the right things, that made me think, even if he din't love me, that maybe he missed me too, and felt something.
I guess not.
I would never ever have a one night stand. I just can't hop into bed with someone I don't love and trust implicitly.
And after 4 years, i thought I knew him, I trusted him.
And I was happy. For a few hours.
That was the worst part.
His moving on, I want him to be happy, and since i am leaving, us being apart only made sense. Its something I can/could accept.
But for him to just use me. That hurts.
If he had been upfront at all, then it would have been okay.
If I had decided to do things, than that was my choice.
But I didn't get to make that choice.
And now, He hurt me in so many ways.
I haven't felt this hurt, this betrayed, in, in, I don't even know how long.
Maybe never.
And considering the awful crap I get put through, thats something.
I can't take this. I just can't.
3 comments|Melt my heart?

[09 Oct 2007|08:44pm]
[IMG]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v32/fires_dreams/kdm_ncop_ws_032.jpg[/IMG]
Melt my heart?

[08 Oct 2007|04:40pm]
The weekend was, crazy? Is that the word I want to descirbe it.
No, its not, not really. It was indescriable. I am without a word to capture what it meant, what it did, how it felt.
It was good and bad, bitter sweet.
and painful :P
I was sick. Which sucks.
I was heartbroken, which sucks more.
And I was Happy, which makes the heartbroken all the worse.

I am so lost, so confused. I want, nay I need so badly to get away, to escape Syd.
I hate it here.
but in escaping I am losing what makes me happy.
I have to go, because there is nothing left here for me. And nothing has changed.

And that about sums everything up. Nothing has changed.
Melt my heart?

[04 Oct 2007|05:35pm]
I have deicded to keep track of how long I agree with the conclusion I came to yesterday.
Today- I still agree.
Today was borning. I am actually still at work, but I didn't really feel like reading. I am tired. I don't want to be here. But at least I have tommorow off and I can sleep!
thats it break is over
boy that was quick!
Melt my heart?

[21 Sep 2007|06:34pm]
*yawns* I'm still at work, its almost 7 on friday night.
But ofcourse, I don't really want to do anything anyways. Although I do have plans wit Erin tonight, which is good, and I do want to hang out with her. Which is essentially why I am on the computer now.
Melt my heart?

[19 Sep 2007|05:18pm]
I am currentlyat work, and I'm so tired its painful.
hate this job. I've been trying to speak to my supervisor since last thursday. He simply seems to have no time for me. Its starting to piss me off. I mean I realize he's busy. I do get that. Buts its been almost a week, a week. My problem is not complicated. I just want him to sit down with me for like five minutes, and then i will know what teh hell is going on.
I got here this morning, and had no idea where to sit. No one there to help.
My first break was an hour late because I couldn't get in to find out when my break was.
I am just so sick of this.
They don't care for individuals at all.
My work, my contribution doesn't matter at all.
and I don't even want tehm to care. i mean whatever. Its just I deserve the most basic of respect.
I want to quit so bad.
Just two more weeks, and then, tehn maybe i will be able to!
Melt my heart?

[10 Sep 2007|09:06am]
Work dominates my life.
Its omniprescent, even when I'm off.
Only saturday off this week.
I don't want to go back today. I don't need the money. I don't care about the money.
I can't face anonther week. I just can't.
But i don't know what else to do. I don't really have nay other options.
I just have to remember just 3 more months.
1 comment|Melt my heart?

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