The Cries of a Tortured Soul's journal

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Thursday, November 6th, 2003
I think its been too long
for this to all go wrong
you lost what i thought youd win
i wont try this again
you played yourself
in front of me
to save yourself
some dignity
and if you die
before you should
at least you know
that youre no good
so tell me how's the rest
i'm fine with second best
it's all that i can say
not coming back this way
for all the kids
you said you hate
but now you say
it's only fate
so if you die
before you wake
i pray the lord
youre not a fake (haha these lyrics suck its just in my head cause i play emogame too much . . . must . . . stop . . . playing . . . AHHHHH )
so this is how it ends
redempt by all your friends
it doesnt have to be
this way for you or me
you played yourself in front of me
to save yourself some dignity
and if you die before you should
at least you know that youre no good

^ the fight song for emo... geez i should get a life

current mood: tired
current music: lyrics of "this is the good life" audio adrenaline

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So this is it. Divorce. It's final. It's starting to become a reality to me. My parents had to discuss different "times" we were to spend time with them. It's required by law. My dad was showing me old pictures from when I was a kid. It was really . . . really . . . sad to see. He was begging to play ping pong and talk and stuff . . . I guess it's a reality to him too.
At dinner, he asked me what I thought about the divorce. I told him he had many opportunities to prevent this scenario . . . and then he yelled at me and said I WANTED them to divorce. No. I didn't want them to, but in the end, it's only right. My mom's going through so much pain, and so is the family. My dad then told me, we would never see him again. He chose to live in the Philippines with Lilibeth . . . We'll never see him again.

As much as I say I hate him . . . there's a tiny percent of me that remembers who he used to be. Sometimes I think, "could I have accepted him as a father despite of everything he has done to us?" Maybe I could have, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I could have spent time with my dad. I could have ignored the facts. I didn't. I tried to make him change. I tried to make him stop. It was useless. He never cared to stop. I'll never see my father again. He was crying . . .
Without my dad here, it's going to be really tough on my mom. She works hard enough as it is. I only see her for like five minutes every other day. She works EVERY day, and twice a day too. I'm lucky to see her for that five minutes. My mom will have to work more to support us. Maybe I'll have to get a job again. School frustrates me. I'm failing every class. How the fuck am I gonna go to college with that? No one's gonna pay for me. No one's gonna get me a car. No one's gonna give me a place to live. I have to do it for myself. How am I supposed to support myself when I'm supposed to support my family? I'm so stressed.
Oh, joy, my friends are fighting every day too. And I lost another friend. . .
What made me tear (I'm a dead soul, I can't cry even if I forced myself to) was the thought of us moving. I'm not sure if we're going to renovate the house or not. My mom says it's really expensive to live here. I'm moving? What? I can't move . . . I thought we were going to work on this house. I thought my grandma and uncle were going to live with us. I thought we were going to get a second floor and all. What? I can't leave. A few companions I still have and . . . for once, something good happened to me. AND NOW I'M GOING TO LOSE IT!?

current mood: sad
current music: ... its the music from the E word

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