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Tuesday, October 28th, 2003
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9:51 pm - so tired
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i just dont care what anyone has to say about me anymore. accuse me all you want. point your finger at me all you want. call me whatever the hell you want to call me. i hope you all realize what i meant when i said this in the beginning of august:
el (2:09:54 AM): ive got to learn to depend on myself
ngel (2:11:10 AM): if i dont then how will i ever know if im able to stand on my own
someone once argued:
wen u shut out ur friends from ur life and they cant understand wats goin on its not good
cause they start to drift from u
^ so i did the exact opposite. i let everyone know what was going on. and what happened? they got annoyed and irritated. they said "i was too dramatic".
"everyone gets annoyed wen u talk...but i get scared wen u dont"
well whats better? talk and have everyone leave you cause ur too 'depressing' or shut ur mouth and move along . . . faking smiles here and there, but grieve within? i used to do choice a. now im saying "screw u" and going with choice b. i predicted this so damn well months ago.
with the betrayals of close friends. those with no dignity and forget what they did to the people they call friends but point the finger at you for the deed they did to their 'friend'. the blindness of those around me. the stupidity of society. the cruelty of a place wrongfully titled 'home'. you cant rely on anyone. the people i thought i could depend on . . . they all leave one by one. i knew this was going to happen. i embraced solitude.
sad...
current mood:  tired
current music: bolero
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6:09 am - aaaaaaaaaaaca
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yeeeeeeesterday:
pre-1st per: jenn wasnt listening to me . . . shes slipping. yeah. she is. i showed mel and stace a document that declares the truth. jesse damned my books.
art: filled out papers. drew but it wasnt very good.
history: chilled with the history whores heheh as danielle titles us. no bloom. talked all per.
spanish: battled to stay awake. lost battle as soon as hr bell rang.
geo: we got compasses. i hurt myself on accident many times. damn that sharp object of pain. jesse wouldnt let me sleep. i tried to. haha.
lunch: i forgot to visit danielle :( . ian is annoying.
english: read.
chem: lab. neill likes flirt queen heheheh. hes another victim. poor soul. dadada test tomorrow gonna fail.
after school: chilled with mel, stace, danielle and andy
came home: walked in the rain and thought . i am now "too dramatic" "too sad" and "too focused on events". funny thing, i saw it coming i told them all what would happen . i always predict and im right most of the time.
went to brig's confirmation practice.
did work.
this morning my dad put a pan in my bookbag. wtf?
current mood:  annoyed
current music: blackhole sun
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, October 26th, 2003
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1:42 pm
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whose the gayest man alive
(ken is, ken is)
who is the biggest asshole here?
(ken is, ken is)
who should fall into a pit?
(ken should, ken should)
and have many spikes at the end of it?
(ha ha, ha ha)
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, October 23rd, 2003
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6:23 pm - yea... so... im yea...
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more friends disappointed that i cant hold a mask anymore. oh well. im not chasing anyone anymore. leave if u wanna leave. im not holding you back. i cant believe she acts as if she's clean of everything. yeaaaaah. dad for some reason is acting all guilty and shit and sucks up to me and my sis - - in a way he reminds me of my grandma. i told him off good though told him to tell lilibeth that i want her to die for me. hope he relays my message.
current mood:  confused
current music: bolero
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| Wednesday, October 22nd, 2003
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11:05 pm - heeeeeeeeeeeeeheeeeeeee!
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im laughing because... theres so much these people dont know, theyre gonna feel retarded when they know, if i decide to let them know. those people arent even worth my time, knowing they dont know what the hell they are talking about or anything. ah screw everyone.
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| Tuesday, October 21st, 2003
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4:07 pm - i smile
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what makes you think that it'll all work out in the end.
afraid to feel bad. better off to try and pretend. I'm
immortal, immune to all that is wrong. just keep on wishing.
crossing my fingers. so long. is this helping? i'm growning
weaker each day. can't stop whining.
still afraid of what i might say or reactions, that control us one and all.
It's mine, it's pure and as decent as i can make myself.
Inside, we all know, only the strong survive.
Why don't you think about that?
so now i'm bleeding on myself yes once again.
seems i trusted another deceitful freind. my fault. should've known the deal.
keep your friends close, but your enemies closer, for real.
seems easy, but nothing could be so hard. trying to guess lifes
dealing. what's the next card? I'm surely folding.
i don't like this hand at all.
Keep those eyes wide open, here comes a blind side.
maybe things happen for a reason and wherein lies the answer.
to overcome the grieving of lifes unruly lessons. i'm handed
in sucession. it builds my pain which makes me strong.
Why don't you think about that??
current mood: cynical
current music: flaw "only the strong"
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, October 20th, 2003
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9:24 pm - ...slave trade
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Bus ride. Batteries didnt work for CD Player. Sat there with headphones on so everyone thought I was listening to music, when really I didn't feel like people asking me stupid questions like usual. Dark out, nice.
0 0 0 - Chilled with the locker gang. Hah. Laughed at the corner sluts. Hah.
Jenn: WHY IS OUR LOCKER SO MESSY ALL THE TIME, MONIQUE?
Monique: Well, Jenn, what do you expect, I'm brown and all . . .
Mike: !!!!!
0 0 1 - Art. This bird is making me frustrated. I painted over all previous painting with gray and black. Jess and I talked for like 2 seconds. :-/ . One day I'm just gonna show up at her house and be like remember back in elementary . . . Thoughts forced their way.
0 0 2 - Talked with Mel, Jenn, Andy, Joe, Danielle. History class - - talking about one of colonie's biggest problems - - different currency. Mr. Bloom held up an eraser, then he lifted my arm ... when he could of just taken the pencil in my hand:
"Now, what if Pennsylvania's value is erasers. Why would it trade with Monique?"
::Aside to Danielle:: CAUSE NO ONE WANTS A BODY PART
"Oh. Brown slave trade. I see your devious ways."
I'm really concerned about Danielle and the health of her mom. I pray for them, and ask you do too, even if you aren't that much of a prayer . . . I'm not either, but please. I hate Don.
0 0 3 - Spanish. Sub. Chilled with Tiffany. She's so cool. Some stupid kids were making this girl cry. I got so pissed. The kids got kicked out and sent to the office.
0 0 4 / 0 0 5 - Geometry-try-try. Teacher gave out grapes. I am now poisoned. Damn hunger makes me vulnerable.
0 0 6 - SAW STEINMETZ! OMG! then.. he left before i could talk to him. Danielle and I chilled for awhile. Went to lunch. About to punch Ian. Hah.
0 0 7 / 0 0 8 - I was attentive the first twenty minutes. Teacher's 2 year old son threw an apple at a girl while pumpkin picking. I thought that story was funny, cause I thought back of the family tape I watched 2 days ago where I throw a chair at my family members at age . . . 2 or 3. Then we had to go over this sheet, and I was staring at it too long cause we were moving so slow, and I fell asleep. Woke up at the bell, rubbed eyes, and dizzily roamed halls.
0 0 9 / 0 1 0 + 11 - Did lab. Partner is in good mood today. Afterwards, took test. Did ok... I guess? We uh yea ate candy the whole 2nd half of lab. I smuggled it in my 2nd compartment of powder heh for my friends.
After school - fed the birds (friends). Went under tree - - Danielle, Mel, and Mike. Lit tree on fire. My imagniation - - HAHA LIGHT THE TREE ON FIRE AND IT GOES UP LIKE A ROCKET.. hahaa... im weird. yea. *throws sticks* "woah mel has an antigravity shield" .. hmm "watch, it doesnt hit mel" *throw stick and it hits her* ddddddddddddoooooooooooooooo doooooo do... im so bored
current mood:  lazy
current music: Kittie "Charlotte"
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| Sunday, October 19th, 2003
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9:48 pm - what do these dreams mean?
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2 in the morning i wrote the longest piece ever.... its below
ive had many dreams... but id rather not talk about them. theyre... kind of aggravating. the dreams inspired me to channel my feelings through forms of art, writing, and music. by the end of the day, i had drawn an extremely emotional ... well at least to me.... piece - - you'll have to see it. I think I could have not done the shading on the nose though.. looks weird... the 'lullaby' and open space on the end.... hmm i think i should go over that with more flames. Heh. I just did. Ok, looks somewhat better if I didn't draw a straight line across it. Meh. Alright,anyway, I added more to "Sanctuary" (my ... 4th book thing), and I wrote an ok song. It's called 'KNELL FOR THE PSEUD" ... this is inspired by my.... rather not so good dream...
Today, I went to Andy's pumpkin thing and chilled with him, his gf Kimmie (shes very nice by the way), Jenn, Mel, Jenna, and Michelle. We had fun and ... I learned something.... I felt extremely depressed from hearing this. In the end, it motivated me to rethink putting my mask together... I later visited my grandma. She broke her ankle since the last visit. I hate nursing homes... scent of death. Depressing. Anyway... yeah, today was an artistic day.
My dreams cant help but make me suspicious.
current mood:  predatory
current music: "somebody, someone" korn
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1:55 am - ... its for you
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This is for ... yeah....
"Boulder" by Monique G. (Not so much done for song quality or rhyme scheme, just to get my thoughts out)
The last person I'd expect this from was you
The last person I had by my side
The last person I had a belief in
The last person I'd expect to make me cry
Where exactly do I start
I can name so many things off the top of my head
I cut the rope and let your boulder sink
Everything and everyone I used to know is dead
Until you can figure out who the hell you really are
And for once just be yourself
Or at least pick one face to wear
Hope it's for you, not for everyone else
Encouraged me to go along with it
When I reached heaven, I wasn't allowed to breathe
I wasn't permitted to taste the flavor of bliss
I kept it inside never to wear it out on my sleeve
When the false-infatuation was over
Swore your undying hatred for "your friend"
While I was still missing all that was gone
You persuaded revenge would make the pain end
So we were in it TOGETHER
You wouldn't let me back out
So we were in it TOGETHER
Directed me to take anger's route
So, can you explain to me why
The very next day I couldn't comprehend what you said
You had just previously bad-mouthed "the enemy"
Those were your exact words, get this through to your head
Thanks for standing by me
After all the times I stood by you
And if you really think I'm twofaced
For playing devil's advocate, then you are too
At least when I had something to say about "your friend"
I wouldn't go up to "the enemy" with praise
You used to deny it being that way
But you admitted to it within a few days
So tell me what the hell that was about
And why you had to haunt me with meaningless things
And ignore my requests to stop showing me that
With each action executed, I watched the clippings of my wings
Instead of flying, I plunged into darkwater
All the bobbing dead bodies around me
My ankles shackeled to the ocean floor
The surface, the only thing I strived to see
I fell away to myself
when you fell away from me
Did you mean to say you were losing someone else
Is this a guilty or innocent plea?
It wasn't so much the fact
that the separator was who it was
It was that after all I ever did for you . . .
You think it doesn't hurt, but it does
Couldn't you at least
do the favor in return
Instead of silently kill me
And sign me up for a second burn
You were losing me then
But you were focused on a nobody
Someone you gave degrading titles
This was your new tendency
Never wanted to accept this
Lips stayed silent for awhile
And then one day I snapped
One of us is swimming in denial
What do you mean when you say
"I was just agreeing with you"
How is that being a true friend
I need no sympathy, that was nothing new
If you're mad at me for saying
It would be okay again
Then be mad at yourself first
We're running in another dead end
So, in a way I was doing you good
I gave you freedom of opportunities
And if not, then I gave him a shot
He now hates me, but I'm thankful for my immunities
More tombstones were added to the cemetary
The cemetary that exists in my head
The past won't return anytime soon
It lies lifeless in a puddle of red
Blowing me off for "the asshole"
I soon learned to not even care
I just let the both of you go
Solitude was wanting me there
The night I was out to destroy myself
Not even listening to a tortured soul
Ignorant response, so a handful of pills
Mixed with some alcohol
Usually the routine was to snap me out of it
A condition I warned all about
Found myself disappointed, alive
Death evaded, did nothing but kick and shout
How did everything switch like this
Past memories of when you'd ditch
And talk badly about your "friends"
And then in their presence, another side switch
I ponder about what you said to the one
who now thrives off of petty hate furiously
Cause if you can talk about others that way
I'm interested to know what was said about me
Actually, no, I don't really care
I'm not hurting as much in this state
Embracing solitude, an old friend from the past
Another repetition in fate
And how can I forgive when
You're not appearing to know what you're apologzing for
How's it all gonna be better
If you're only looking down at the floor
Look into my eyes
And see the pain in me
See what you've done
See those that you denoucned and how bad you turn to them in need
I look at you now and you're not even yourself
I'm not saying that I'm the same
Because I'm no longer who I used to be
That time you had perfect aim
We were in it together
Why did you back out
And leave with everyone else
Is that what friendship's about
So many stands I took for you
So many things I respected
Never wanting to violate your requests
Never was anything like this suspected
I care how this affects those around
Never wanting to have them being tossed from one to the other
Like children witnessing their parents fight
Remembering the favor I asked of my father and mother
When they pretended everything was okay
And they played with me as if there was never any fights
I felt so happy, I needed them both
Without the reason to point out who's wrong and right
So, why couldn't I coexist when they needed us
I wasn't healed, I still was dying
Maybe it was dishonest to agree
Maybe it was a bit like lying
Never wanting our friends to fall apart cause of us
The intentions I had were good
Why should we let our friends be upset like that
Something like that happening never should...
Then there was the times
I really had to talk to you
But you'd frickin toss me aside for the "ENEMY"
Witnesses even said it was true
So to recap the reasons why I am this way
I'll repeat the things mentioned before
Read my lips carefully now:
Don't be feeding off me anymore
Pick a face and stick with it
You aren't correctly portraying yourself
And stop talking all this shit
And if youre gonna talk about someone
Don't suck up to them the next day
And when someone's about to commit an act
Don't fucking act as if it's quite okay
Don't say that it wasn't serious
Pay more attention to those that need you
Instead of just taking from them
And rather than ignore everything, see it through
I still won't ever understand why
There was such a switch in sides
I had always backed you up
But, you chose to back up lies
I'm sad for the others
The way you've treated and spoke
These things make a person ill
These things make a person choke
They look up to you
And this is what you do
You curse their name without them there
And then suck up to them when they see you
You denounce his name so bad
And you told me he was the enemy
WE WERE IN IT TOGETHER
And now you gravel at his feet, don't you see?!
And what about the times you left me
Desperate calls going out to you
But because you were focused on him
Well, there was no way of getting through
And what's with the display you have
You're being untrue,
You're acting as if youre someone else
you're not being you
For everything you've called me
You're just the same
If I'm a twoface for pretending it was ok
Then you are for the "I was just agreeing" game
If I'm a twoface for trying to make it easy on our friends
Then, you are for all the words you spewed
It's ashame they'll never know what you said
Can't think of the first thing that disputed
And if I'm not showing "interest"
Maybe it's because you never identified the conflict
To heal after everything you've done
Everything was so explicit
I'll never heal unless these problems end
To carry on to the future, please learn:
You have to kill the past ties
Or forevermore you'll burn
So, if you choose to "reconcile"
Then, why don't you fix what's wrong
I have my own flaws too, I know
Sorry I can't always be strong
And yes you are a human
And you're allowed to make mistakes, but then . . .
A mistake isn't a mistake when recognized
And repeated again and again and again
current mood: tired
current music: loved ones - ptw
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| Saturday, October 18th, 2003
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8:23 pm - happy birthday sara!
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Look at me now. A piece of shit like you. Look at me. You left me, so fuck you! Everybody leaves me. Everybody's gone. Watch my father leave me. ::stretches in boredom:: YYYYYYYYYYYYYeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaah. I'm here. bored. Very bored. Today, I was doing chores... haha Melanie heard my dad in the background, every two seconds he thought of something new for me to do. The real estate agent came and looked at the house and measured all the rooms. Mom's in a real good mood today. Im confused though. I thought my mom was keeping the house and my dad was moving out . . . ?? It was funny cause she said yesterday she was talking to Mike outside of her work, and there was a blackhaired girl and a guy named Brandon and it was around 800/830 hahah. yup. Its a small world . Perfect Inertia. As I was doing chores, I overheard my mom being retarded on the phone about introducing herself, snatched it, it was Joe. S'all good. Went to Gamze's house - - big party for little Sara. She looked so cute. Jenn, Gamze, Kim and I were chilling. We met Jenn's bf Mike at the park. Went back. Talked more. I went home, promised mom I'd make sis dinner. Made dinner for sis. Then.... just lied around the house and played keyboard and sang.
current mood:  bored
current music: mudvayne "cradle"
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8:22 pm
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5:13 pm - wow...
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11:46 am
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When I was a small child, my parents would always fight in front of my sister and I. We’d always be tossed from one side to the other, and forced to choose who was wrong and everything. We hated it. We needed both of them, and they just became people who were hellbent on bringing the other down. I didn’t want to do that to my friends. I hated it myself. So, why couldn’t I reconcile for them? Not for me. Is that being two-face? I made peace for everyone else, when I didn’t feel ready to be friends again. I just didn’t want to fight anymore. Everyone was upset with us. I wanted to benefit the greater half. That isn’t being two-faced, but it’s dishonest.
“You were just trying to be the better man. Your intentions were well-meaning. You wanted peace for your friends, and yourself as well, but you weren’t feeling okay yet.”
“I just thought of something. Mike told me the other day that he and his friend had this headache, and it was a really bad headache, and they were walking down this dirt path and out of nowhere a poodle came and started barking its ass off. The headache got so much worse. They were screaming for it to stop barking, so when it didn’t, the poodle went flying!”
Wait. That has nothing to do with this.
“But do you see what she’s getting at? I did it for others, not for myself. Perhaps it was wrong, but, I’m sorry, I’m not healed yet.”
“You have your own reasons for not feeling better with her, and I finally realize that (not because you just said that) and I think you two should still try and resolve your problems with each other . . . no matter what the outcome is. Do what you think is right. Not what other people want.”
“Even if we don’t end up like before, I just want to make peace and coexist in hangouts, similiar to how I enjoyed it when my parents made peace with each other. Even if it really wasn’t the way my gullible self saw it. You see what I’m saying or no?” I asked.
“I do see what you are saying. That is exactly what my friend wants me to do with my enemy. He hates not hanging out with me anymore, because he is always hanging out with him.”
i still think of last night. it was so peaceful. i should have spent the whole night there.
current mood:  calm
current music: coldplay "clocks"
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| Friday, October 17th, 2003
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11:08 pm
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im sad. no find anyone at beach. . . or maybe wen i first fell asleep in the hour of seven.. when i was sleeping under the palm tree? or when i was at the jetty and i looked across to the parallel jetty and saw people there and flashlight or lighter light in the jetty.. i went to check it out, but the road ended.. and a big body of water separated the two jettys on the inlet. i shouted at the people, they didnt seem to hear me. it gets cold after awhile. then i made a trip to the phone and back and phone and back and phone and back... anyway, i got to think in peace. it was beautiful. black sky. black coastline, u look down past the inlet and u see a collage of lights . . . beautiful silvery tinge to the waves. dead. no one there. was so serene. thoughts were sad. and i remembered my dream when i stood on the jetty. i took perm. marker and wrote MO right by the light. well, im really tired... heh fell asleep in car. my body still is freezing and numb.
current mood:  cold
current music: nothingface "patricide"
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5:48 pm - teach me how to walk on water
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... in the past two days ive had two counseling sessions. theyre not my favorite thing. they provoke frustration and it just makes my mind a mess... my mom had to come in for the first one. ehh... and as im typing this my dad and my mom are fighting. my dads such an asshole. umm.. yeah.... im now a twoface. whether its true or not. ill take whatever you call me. the story behind my decision. hm. never mind. it doesnt matter. never mind. summary - as a young young kid. parents fight. tossed back and forth. forced to take sides all the time. tough. why should i do that to my friends. idk. .. yay now my dads yelling at me g2g
current mood: predatory
current music: thrice "deadbolt" (piano ending is nice)
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| Thursday, October 16th, 2003
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10:13 pm
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I'm so fucking pissed .... or depressed.... i cant tell the difference right now. I'm so fed up with EVERYTHING. Everyone. I just want to get the fuck away from this place. I never reached out to people after I awoke from the dream. I was doing just fine on my own. God, can you just please answer one prayer? Make it end. Make it end already. I don't want to keep walking in these shoes anymore. Finish me off.
current mood: depressed
current music: flaw ~ my letter
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| Wednesday, October 15th, 2003
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7:42 pm - my dad = asshole
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.. how long can a man talk on the phone? since like 3 my dads been on the phone and now its like nearly 8. im takin a 5 min break to update this thing. . . im really stressed so please everyone excuse me for my absence in my communication skills. . . ive got so much shit to do today, and well, i would take a break like this and use it to call my friends, but the assholes still on the phone. i need to be updated on everyone. anyway.
pre- going to school -> dads a bitch. wrote shit ALL Over my artwork. thanks for the appreciation.
0 0 0 - chilled. everyones happy . . . good for them. well jesse didnt feel good. diana wants me to call later.
0 0 1 - art. painted bird still. looks crappy. oh well. i wanna talk to jess really bad.
0 0 2 - chilled with mel, stace, danielle, and steve. slept in class. mr. bloom let me get away with it. shit. i forgot to return the uniform. damnit. hey wait i have an excuse. HA! they LOCKED the locker rooms! merrrrrrgh.
0 0 3 - spanish . . . hmm . . . ?? haha i saw stacey through the window thing.
0 0 4 / 0 0 5 - late to geo?? i think?? i forgot. mel's sad. i tried to draw a comic of me using telekenisis . . . against . . . dude i forgot..??!??!??!?! wow. i suck. mel looked sad and told me to call her later.
0 0 6 - jesse horrified at my locker. straight to lunch. HAD a lunch. hmmmm. oh yeah. ian attacked. andy and cliff sat at our table. andy drew a picture and a quick sketch of me. cools. dablada. on way to english joe gave me a note. damn dad. went
0 0 7 / 0 0 8 - went to english in library. not much use for a diagram group.
0 0 9 / 0 1 0 - the kids that looked down on me for sleeping SLEPT and now they feel all immature. HA. . . ::blink::
0 1 1 - gym. locker room locked. chilled with the alyssas, steve, and hoff. punched steve with my ring.
stayed after with mel, danielle, jeremy. lit tree bark on fire. found a ball. bus ride home with enemies of monique.
came home ...
“Tomorrow we’re going to have a talk with your counselor,” my mom said.
“Yeah,” I said, knowing it would bring me much anger, for no one would ever take my side against the perfectionists in the art of lying.
“We’re” as in my mom and I.
“You really need to change your attitude.”
“Mom, dad started accusing me yesterday of doing drugs and not ever going to tennis since school started. I quit two weeks ago. I did go to tennis. I didn’t enjoy it. Okay? I can’t take it when I am accused.”
“You had an attitude.”
“Mom, who wouldn’t? You took the word of the biggest liar I ever knew in my entire life. He lies to you. He lies to me. Why would you believe him over me? I always stood by you. You know I don’t lie to you. I wouldn’t lie to you.”
“You should have listened to your voice.”
“My voice was calm.”
“See? You’re yelling.”
“Believe me, mom. Yelling is when you yell, accuse me, and won’t let me talk, and I yell over you, and you yell over me, and I yell over me, and then my heart feels as if it is about to explode for some reason. It hurts to always see the liars are always putting me in the ring of fire.”
My dad walked in the kitchen.
“You should get adopted! Since you always talk about your friends caring for you more.”
“You’re going off-topic,” I pointed out, hoping my mom would see.
“I’m not ever doing anything for you!”
“Oh, and I’m not used to that?”
“Don’t ever ask me for anything,” he said.
“The only thing I ever asked you for was to be a real father,” I said, “You couldn’t even do that. And you’re right. You never do anything for me. Always yourself.”
My mom realizes how off-topic he is.
“We were talking about why she quit tennis. Adoption came out of nowhere. You just like making big fights,” my mom said.
“You stay out of this, you trouble maker,” my dad said.
“You’re the source of everything. Why don’t you come into counseling? You’re the core of the pain,”my mom said.
“Shut up, asshole!” my dad yells, trudging down stairs.
“All you ever do is turn your back, and point fingers away from you. You’re the ASSHOLE. Always running away. Poor excuse of a father, husband, and person!”
My mom and I agree on one thing. My dad’s a bastard. He’s the one driving us at each other. He’s the reason why we’re so miserable and stressed underneath it all. No one bothered me more than my father. I hate him so much. No one knows how much I hate him. They can’t feel the cold that runs through my blood when I see or hear him.
Remember how I mentioned I think something happens with my mom?
“What happens when dad goes into your room in the middle of the night. It’s odd,” I said.
She got silent.
“He wants something from you. Doesn’t he?”
“Yes,” she admitted, “He tries to touch me, but I don’t let him.”
I was so angry. Felt like I could just kill him. I will die hating my father.
I don’t think I have time to go online today. I asked my dad for the phone, but he’s been fucking on the phone for the past four hours. I really hate my dad. Wish he’d come to school tomorrow. Ignorant chicken shit. I want the phone damn it.
hope you're alright
It's been rough for me
current mood: aggravated
current music: flaw - my letter
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| Tuesday, October 14th, 2003
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4:35 pm
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ok.... ok.... in order...
MONDAY: AUTUMN THING . . .
Jenn, Diana, Kim, Gamze, Jesse, Mel, Stace, Danielle, Justin, Devin, and I just chiling and locking poor souls in the basement, watching the Crow, eating like it's the end of the world, and then going outside and having multiple bonfires and throwing lighters in there so a big combustion takes place. Bye, Lighter :(. GAMZE! >:o. Yeah .. so... yeah... The entire time I was worrying about my parents, so I really couldn't enjoy myself. When they all left, my parents didn't say anything, lucky there . . . but . . .
TUESDAY: BACK TO SCHOOL
really bad dream . . .
0 0 0 - listened to thrice cd for the last time before returning it to gamze. chilled.
0 0 1 - art. painted bird. too many bad thoughts forced their way.
0 0 2 - chilled with mel joe... who went to A MUDVAYNE concert at krome (i think thats where fata is playing) in south amboy... lucky... then danielle whos going to a 311 concert with stacey... yea i never get to go to concerts. class was ok... didnt fall asleep for once.
0 0 3 - heh... drew pictures of that rutowski kid..? that his last name? burning in a pit =)
0 0 4 / 0 0 5- i was late to geo! but jesse wasnt haha. mel looked sad.
0 0 6 - visited danielle. went to lunch. attacked. tried to write about my dream. couldnt.
0 0 7 / 0 0 8 - went to library for project.
0 0 9 / 0 1 0 - fell asleep 3 times. got in trouble and teacher thought it was publicly humiliated. nah. why should i be all embarassed i was sleeping? stop being boring and maybe i wont sleep.
0 1 1 - gym. did laps. yay.
stayed after - - mel wasnt there contrary to what she said. saw jenn. jenn and i chilled. immature kids yelled "hey thats the girl u like" to their friend, "hey girl with the black hair my friend george likes you" i blinked and jenn pointed and laughed and it was stupid cause they were being retarded throwing shit at us and tapping me and running away so i yelled retarded things and jenn threw the planner in the garbage and they went garbage picking. got on the bus jenn and dustin and i were yelling shit out the window at them. weird conversations on the bus. . .
came home.
dad's an asshole. lies to my mom. mom believes him like a big idiot. she gets on my back. my dad gets on my back. yelling at me. no say in anything. whatever they say is truth, whatever i say doesnt count. why bother explain the truth when they accuse me of shit. said "i didnt" . to them - - raising my tone, having an attitude. i was calm as i ever was. now im pissed. because thursday my moms like IM GOING INTO YOUR SCHOOL AND TELLING THEM HOW MUCH OF AN ATTITUDE YOU HAVE etc etc. So, like, now i look like any other whiney teenager with a good life but exaggerates it cause of their attitude . . . I'M NOT ONE OF THEM!! So now my counselor person wont help me. She'll take my mom's side no doubt. I hate this. My voice is drowned out by the choir of a million lying voices. Great their yelling at me again. wtf.
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4:31 pm
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I'm really really really sick of this ""family"". And I'm really really really sick of those who can't see past the surface and eat every lie so easily . . .
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| Monday, October 13th, 2003
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1:01 am - I WAS STARRRRRRRRTLED
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So tired. Quick entry. Chilled with Danielle and Jenn. Went to Kinkos. Went to youth. Ian didnt mess up my hair as bad. Traumatized BLUEBERRY. Split into groups. In Kt, A...started with an A . .. , and Mike. Attempted to make boxes. Couldn't. Drank hot chocolate =). Jenn and I discussed . . . =) . ::Sigh::. :). Ok. Enough. Mom's being nicer to me. Danielle made me din din. Watched funny movie ... i forgot what its called... the world explodes 2000000 times in it. Autumn thingy tomorrow. yap. 2-7.
mr. cittadino: why is monique always in this gym? (6) she's in my class for last period.
danielle: ...................................................................... her last name is guz
mr. cittadino: .......................................................................................................yeah i know.....................................................................................................................................................she's in my attendance book.
danielle: ................................................................................................................yup ::sits down::
current mood:  optimistic
current music: ... :)
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