The Cries of a Tortured Soul's journal

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Sunday, December 7th, 2003
1:22 am
i get lazy

-joe has found all weak points . . . i will die more rapidly now . . .
-fight with gamze for her treatment to the friends shes tossed aside and replaced with preps
-lost diana? i believe so?
-mel mini dispute - - im pessimistic and to her thats bad
-jenn is very sad - - gamze...
-danielle and jenn are good friends now
-jesse is a glitter hippie
-justin and devin = ackabackalackamakca
-steve is moody
-mike and danielle - fight
-icker is icker
-hoffman watched me eat my scantron - - got 2 q's right
-devin is a girl scout
-danielle k is chipper
-alyssa finished her drawing tired

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Friday, November 28th, 2003
11:22 pm - . . .
working on this music video project has made me cry for the first time in months. the music triggers more memories unable to be captured on camera. but, making this video, combined with the powerful music, it made me cry . . . i havent cried in so long, im still crying. it hurts to watch how happy all of us were back then, and how we killed our dreams and were at each other's throats in the end. i will be the first one to admit i miss the way things used to be. i miss the old group. i miss my sisters, i miss the 'fuckin five'. i just really miss them. thats what these tears are for. i miss innocence. i miss the way things used to be. it will never ever be like that ever again . . .therefore i weep. i never got to say goodbye . . .

current mood: sad
current music: SALIVA - REST IN PIECES

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9:29 pm
You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.

What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
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monique's thanksgiving was dysfunctional.

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Sunday, November 23rd, 2003
7:35 pm
Today, I woke up to my dad saying I never called him. I reminded him of the great mistake he made. He shut up. My mom took all of us out to the OB diner. The waitress was so nice, but my family was so rude. They all had frickin’ attitudes. I felt embarassed to sit with them. We came home, and I set out to pick up my pictures and then I went to Jenn’s for awhile. My stomach killed, so I ended my journey.
When I came home, my sister’s friend was over. She was SLAMMING on one of my children! MY PIANO! AHH! I retreated to my room in anguish. Her friend called my sister’s best friend and left degrading messages. Her best friend is the nicest girl I know. How could she leave messages like that?
Then, my mom came home from shopping, and she was pissed the house was a mess. #1 my dad is very messy, #2 my sister’s friends are messy. The house was pitiful. My mom got angry at all of us. My dad put blame on me. I yelled at my dad. Then, my sister was really hungry, but no one wanted to make dinner. They all argued like fucking kids.
My dad and mom were coming after my sister in the kitchen. They had her backed up to the door. As soon as they were about to beat my sister, I stepped in the way to defend her and took the blow for the brat. They looked at me with anger for getting in the way. I wouldn’t move. I hate when I look around me. My FAMILY is shit. They’re always making a big deal on little things, but never focus on REAL problems. My friends are hypocrites and will not permit people to be themselves. I’m ready to blow up the world. What the fuck happened to it? Well, I’m going to go.

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Friday, November 21st, 2003
4:23 pm
for all those that have judged me
without knowing a single fact
for all those i put trust in
and watched them betray me
for those that i shared blood with
but allowed the blood to be tainted
for those that had to be swept away
to please everyone by being a fake
for all those that have told me to be myself
but then turned the other cheek and complained about me
i scream fuck you
and leave a stain of red across your throat
if you cannot accept me
for who the fuck i am
and the type of fucking lifestyle i live
then fucking die
because this world
could use less of your kind

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Wednesday, November 19th, 2003
10:43 pm
god you dumbass.

What swear word are you?
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i dont know what it is, but ive been really depressed lately. i guess its my subconsciousness or something. there are things i do not tell people. i am not allowed to be sad. i am not permitted to tell others what the hell is going on in my head. its funny, how people are incredibly selfish. im no machine. i have veins. not wires. i feel. actually, i can put my finger on it. i know what it is. i just cant say it because people are stupid. this is what they do to each other. i get so pissed when they ask me for help, but if i ask them for help they flip me off and tell me im fucking too sad all the time. i cant even suffer properly. i dont feel like going to a counselor and i dont feel like pissing off the remainders of friends. i turn to writing and piano and art and the like, but sometimes i need to talk to someone. but then i dont want to. look at me, im a living bottle. what we bring to life, we bring to death.

i learned alot about my childhood past from my mom. i know who sylvia is. i know why my sister was sick, and why she is the way she is. i know the karen and susan judge story. i know why he got fired. i know that my mom didn't want me as a baby, and i know that she did abuse me for that and all but . . . ergh. the family story is quite complicated and twisted. i never know who is truly guilty. i ended up telling my mom about teh emails i found between my dad and ulanki. lilibeth was mentioned and so was nubia. fuckin whores. i got their email addresses too. well. i hope i sleep off this depression.

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Sunday, November 16th, 2003
5:02 pm
Your soul is bound to the Solitary Rose: The

"When I wake up alone, the shades are still
drawn on the cold window pane so they cast
their lines on my bed and lines on my

The Solitary Rose is associated with loneliness,
melancholy, and patience. It is governed by
the goddess Merope and its sign is The Sword,
or Unrequited Love.

As a Solitary Rose, you may be summed up as a
hopeless romantic. You desire love and have so
much love to give, but thing just never seem to
work out the way you want them to. In life,
you can be very optomistic, even when things
are gray and nothing works out to your

What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?
brought to you by Quizilla

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4:27 pm - here im between darkness and light
saturday - sat consisted of hanging around with gary (kinda like my uncle, he's my dad's best friend from highschool and friend of the families) and my dad . . . these last couple of weeks, i was just thinking this morning, have been harmonious with the family considering the divorce is coming up faster than we all know. but of course, whenever i say something, the opposite happens. which i'll say why later in this entry. around four i went to the jetty and hung with joe, in which god sent swarms of fishermen, seagulls, joggers, planes and obnoxious boardwalk goers to annoy us and kill us . . . dying a total of nineteen deaths with the addition of tidal waves and plane crashes. i could have stayed there all night if i wasnt so vulnerable to cold (convulsion attack). heh i cant determine if it was dream or not again. heh.

sunday - today i was going to do all my homework but i got a call from mel and jenn (who said wed go to the store with a call from 10 pm last night in which i was half asleep). Melly's doing fine, just always working. Jenn and I discussed Danielle, we really are worried for her and we hope she's alright. She's going through such a tough time right now. We'll pray for her. Today, Jenn and I rode bikes to the Dollar Store and then the video store where we bought candles. THEY SMELLED SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOOD! OHHHH MAN.

Early Xmas shopping. Ssh. Um. Yeah. So we went back to my house and we were playing in the basement to a few songs, mostly Thursday, and then she left to go to Mike's for their one month. woo! Now, being the lazy person I am, wish to find some answers by using the internet for my damn homework rather than looking in a book. So, I accidentally hit a link to yahoo mail, and what i saw pissed me off. my dad's inbox. yeah, i kinda set it up for myself, but that pisses me off. all his girlfriends' emails. in fear of getting caught and beat again, i rushed in PRINT KEYING the emails and pasting them in paint and saving them. I have 20 screenshots. A few photos too. . . him kissing olanki and him with lilibitch. sickening. yeah, so im really upset right now with the things ive read that are up to date. fuck this.

current mood: sad
current music: three days grace - home

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Saturday, November 15th, 2003
11:43 am
ive been writing a lot lately. songs are going good. christmas break im going to continue temple of baast, i miss writing that story, but it requires MUCH time and concentration, and i havent been getting enough of that lately. i tried out for vibes on thursday. results are posted monday. woo. im anticipative. hmmmmmmm. i saw master of command yesterday with my family, it really brings out the beauty of war. other than that ive been working on my songs, homework, SHIT i have a project on a map, damnit, fuck, ill do that sunday. hah ,and ive been working on the christmas video present. jenn broke my first tape though . .. =-o! well, im really sad that i dont have enough money to buy anyone anything .i need to get my family something first, so no one buy me anything. i cant get anyone anything. this is the last time im spending the holidays with my family before my dad leaves, (right after) and i wanna focus on my family ...

updates on everyone else:

joe is insane on thursdays and his spleen hurts like a mutha.
stacey's bday is comin up! and mr. b's song is a hit.
don is a dickhead and i hope danielle is okay
melly is the best coffee maker
jenn has hemroids
diana takes me too seriously (heheh)
jesse hurts people with compasses.
the gym crew is dysfunctional and disturbed . . . very
kim is going to a fata show and i think i may be going to depending on my dad's mood of driving
jenna wants a donut
ive been saying hi and good morning to gamze
andy spilled a drink on himself
becca and jess scamper down hallways.
neill recommended jin roh.
liz is in a new band.
my lunch table is psychopathic and alyssa is on victim #13,934,002 heh.

~ Events in December ~

7th - SR Show at the Saint in Asbury $10.
11th- VIBES. $7.
12th - FATA show at the Krome. $12 i think, check it out.
26th - Christmas Gathering at my house *crinkle tear* . . . i really will strive to get gifts, but dont get me anything, i wanted to present the video and have a good old christmasy time :) (monique doesnt talk like that haha)
31st- Traditional Mo and Jenn reminiscing time

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Tuesday, November 11th, 2003
9:59 am
there is nothing i can do to prevent the future

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Monday, November 10th, 2003
10:24 pm
i like chips [10 Nov 2003|09:52pm]
[ mood | bored ]
[ music | wait and bleed ]

today was a WASTE of a day. there was NO point of going to school. The assignments were . . . play games. Oh please. If that was the task, then why the hell did I go to school? I always am frustrated in school because I am always falling behind. On top of that I was puking in the morning! I COULD HAVE STAYED HOME. 30% of the school was absent, I think? It was too easy to manuever the hallways. I stayed after for Danielle, BUT THEY LOCKED ME UP IN THE LIBRARY, SEIZED MY CD PLAYER, AND THEN YELLED AT ME BECAUSE OF THE CONTENT IN THE LYRICS I WAS READING. FUCK OFF!!!!!!! When the bell rang I got to talk to Danielle for .2 seconds. JC was there. Kid always sounds like a broken record. Wha-Wha-Wha-Wha-Whats up-Whats up-Whats up-Whats up-Whats up-Whats up. . . etc. Da da dum. I came home and worked on everyone's Christmas present. I'm being a perfectionist about it so . . . yeah it took many hours. I got an unexpected call from Angela. Haven't heard from her in awhile. Other than that, my mom told me my dad's retiring the 22nd of this month. Then, he's going to move out once the holidays are over. I feel like shit. I shouldn't, but I do. i didn't even get him anything for his birthday. This is going to be the last time we celebrate the holidays together. He's going to live with Lilibitch . . . beth. . . bitch. . . Yeah. My mom told him "she only loves you now because you have money, but when you don't, then she's going to throw you away". My dad asks, "well if it doesn't work out with her, can I come back?" Don't even ask. So, it's sad that he thinks of his family still as a back up plan. That's bullshit. I don't know. He never tried. Never even in the end. ::Sigh:: You really do take everything for granted . . . Owwww my stomach. Oh yeah, that reminds me, on a much higher note, my weekend was completely awesome I was pretty much hanging out with Jenn and Joe the entire weekend. Mel was whisked away to work, Diana was doing her own thing, and Danielle and Stace were off in Freehold. The eclipse was really cool looking, I don't really recall watching an eclipse prior to . . . I remember being sent inside the school for a solar eclipse back in elementary, while the classes that made box-suits were excluded, but that was it. I'm all out of chronological order. Forgive me. Jetty was filled with fishermen heh but I admire the beach. I thought about my family situation. To be honest, I have no idea what the hell is going to happen. My mom can't pull it off. Sure, we're going to keep the house, but that doesn't mean we can't be evicted. I don't know. <- How many times have I said that (idk) ? Sat, surprisingly I was allowed inside the Jenn house. Hah. Her mom wouldn't leave my pizza UNzapped. Heh. Funny. Then I rode out in the blustering cold and walked with Joe and reminisced (spelling?). Sunday was the day of Joe's show. He and his band were AMAZING. Jenn and I got really motivated just by watching them. I felt "pre-show butterflies" for them, something I missed feeling . . . shit the talent show auditions are in 3 days and my voice is all coughed up. Sucks. hahah what if my talent were to sing, play piano, and puke on cue. HA. I observed their function. Dedicated musicians driven by the love of music. You just get this feeling when you watch them. It's . . . a word I can't really find. I'll think of the word someday. Jenn made fun of me because of my too much fog thing. ::Shakes head:: I'm a failure . . . just like JENN! AHHH! hah. Dododo. Oh yeah, Mike went too. We all went to Cluck U, but I wasn't feeling too well so I didn't eat, the most I ate was a few pretzel sticks, fruit, and vanilla frosting. a cookie. heh. I lied down on the couch at his house while they were playing downstairs. I recognized some PI songs. I was aiming to puke on Jenn, but, I didn't puke. There were many people over, it was all fun. Joe really is a virtuoso - - not just in music, but in everything - - observations, art, aesthetic views, his writings, and dedication into music. When I came home, Jenn took over my computer and I just worked on my art sheets. Then this morning, I puked and went to school. Makes sense right? ::Shrugs:: Later.

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Saturday, November 8th, 2003
9:07 am
so this is it
ive prepared for this
but now that its here
im not sure about this
u said that it
would be the last of u
i remember how much
i shouted i hated u
so i guess one day
youre gonna walk out that door
and youre not going to return
u chose to live with that whore
i guess it shows what really matters to you
i dont know why i feel bad after what you put us through
but i told you since i was in seventh grade
you had the chance to save yourself
well heres the scenario, heres the outcome
no one to blame but yourself
i threw myself in suicidal thoughts
"save us" was my cry
i watched you turn away
without even saying goodbye
you had the chance to steer your ship
out of the way of jagged rocks
well you didnt save us or yourself at all
out of range from the docks

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8:55 am
im a hyppppppppppppppppocrite. ::pulls on hair::

current mood: shocked
current music: my own voice repeating in my head like the tell tale heart

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Friday, November 7th, 2003
6:40 pm
In this empty room
All the chairs are unoccupied
The open casket
Holds a body that lived
Way too long past the death
Of her soul
Her long black hair faded gray
Her open black eyes
Allowed tears to escape
The cool night
Apologized for being late
And with its breath
Collected her into its arms
And sung a lullaby of rain
As the banshees shrilled
They too, delayed
There was no name
Upon the tombstone
For she never truly existed
And the grave was dug out
By those she cared for
The ones that killed her
And her last breath
Was a question to God above
Even in her final moments
He did not answer her
He hushed her crying and
He laughed when he cut her veins
She lifelessly fell back onto her bed
And painted her sheets red with her wrists
A fountain that bled out her entire story
And she lied there until
Morning would find her
Daylight touched her pale face
Neutral on the discovery
The bell didn't ring
The people muttered
"She was just a ghost trapped inside a body"
They took her body
And carried it to
this empty room where
No tears are shed
She never truly existed

~ "Late" by Monique G.

current mood: sad
current music: the martyr

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6:22 pm
heh, its funny really, everyones gone now

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Thursday, November 6th, 2003
9:39 pm
So this is it. Divorce. It's final. It's starting to become a reality to me. My parents had to discuss different "times" we were to spend time with them. It's required by law. My dad was showing me old pictures from when I was a kid. It was really . . . really . . . sad to see. He was begging to play ping pong and talk and stuff . . . I guess it's a reality to him too.
At dinner, he asked me what I thought about the divorce. I told him he had many opportunities to prevent this scenario . . . and then he yelled at me and said I WANTED them to divorce. No. I didn't want them to, but in the end, it's only right. My mom's going through so much pain, and so is the family. My dad then told me, we would never see him again. He chose to live in the Philippines with Lilibeth . . . We'll never see him again.

As much as I say I hate him . . . there's a tiny percent of me that remembers who he used to be. Sometimes I think, "could I have accepted him as a father despite of everything he has done to us?" Maybe I could have, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I could have spent time with my dad. I could have ignored the facts. I didn't. I tried to make him change. I tried to make him stop. It was useless. He never cared to stop. I'll never see my father again. He was crying . . .
Without my dad here, it's going to be really tough on my mom. She works hard enough as it is. I only see her for like five minutes every other day. She works EVERY day, and twice a day too. I'm lucky to see her for that five minutes. My mom will have to work more to support us. Maybe I'll have to get a job again. School frustrates me. I'm failing every class. How the fuck am I gonna go to college with that? No one's gonna pay for me. No one's gonna get me a car. No one's gonna give me a place to live. I have to do it for myself. How am I supposed to support myself when I'm supposed to support my family? I'm so stressed.
Oh, joy, my friends are fighting every day too. And I lost another friend. . .
What made me tear (I'm a dead soul, I can't cry even if I forced myself to) was the thought of us moving. I'm not sure if we're going to renovate the house or not. My mom says it's really expensive to live here. I'm moving? What? I can't move . . . I thought we were going to work on this house. I thought my grandma and uncle were going to live with us. I thought we were going to get a second floor and all. What? I can't leave. A few companions I still have and . . . for once, something good happened to me. AND NOW I'M GOING TO LOSE IT!?

current mood: sad
current music: ... its the music from the E word

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6:00 am
I think its been too long
for this to all go wrong
you lost what i thought youd win
i wont try this again
you played yourself
in front of me
to save yourself
some dignity
and if you die
before you should
at least you know
that youre no good
so tell me how's the rest
i'm fine with second best
it's all that i can say
not coming back this way
for all the kids
you said you hate
but now you say
it's only fate
so if you die
before you wake
i pray the lord
youre not a fake (haha these lyrics suck its just in my head cause i play emogame too much . . . must . . . stop . . . playing . . . AHHHHH )
so this is how it ends
redempt by all your friends
it doesnt have to be
this way for you or me
you played yourself in front of me
to save yourself some dignity
and if you die before you should
at least you know that youre no good

^ the fight song for emo... geez i should get a life

current mood: tired
current music: lyrics of "this is the good life" audio adrenaline

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Thursday, October 30th, 2003
4:29 pm
my dreams keep me alive. ghosts of the past, they live in me. they no longer exist today, but their words do. they are ashamed of who they have become.

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Wednesday, October 29th, 2003
8:11 pm
aww jenn just called me and told me kim is sticking up for me and that she understands what im going through. . . thank you so much. i need people who understand.

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7:27 pm
hm, whats been up. uh hm. my sis got confirmed yesterday, practiced for it monday. walked in rain monday. thought of all who have betrayed, all who will betray, and how i will carry on. there is only 1 from the original group that still remains true to me. besides her, there are five others i trust. and thats IT. until the last one betrays me, i will still hang in here. how many hypocrites can there be? so blind, so sad. ive watched hypocrite #1 - - who trashed the house of, talked about, and lied to "bobby jimmy ralphael" suck up, #2 - - miss i hate "bobby jimmy ralphael" but let me go tell "bobby jimmy ralphael" how great "bobby jimmy ralphael" is, and #3 - - i talked so much shit about you yesterday, but now i'm gonna try and talk to you, monique. Yeah. people are great specimens, arent they? anyway. i talked to my 7th grade self in my dream. went to sleep 1030 woke at 1 in the morning, then i went back to sleep at 3 and saw my 9th grade self. woke up at 520. my strength was renewed. i will do fine on my own. i have done fine in the past. after all, monique does mean solitairy advisor.

current mood: amused
current music: chop suey

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