again

with this sickly delusion of something better candy apples dripping their crimson sweetness like blood onto the dirty floor glistening drops turn to pools of sugary death metaphors.

would you be my valentine my bloody valentine
i won't scratch holes in your cheeks i won't rip out your spine
i won't break your fingers apart i won't slice your eyelids off
i won't wrench open your ribs and puncture your lungs
i won't cut your throat and pull your tongue through it
i won't sip from your wrists and drown at your neck
i won't kiss you as you're dying
i will i will i will
just love me you fool of the universe
just destroy me

it's wednesday

cold everyone says they're cold but i really am very cold sick tired i want to climb into a big nest or a cave dark warm and quiet hold me close yes you're there too there holding me it's not real though this is just writing just htoughts just imagination taking stupifying labyrinthine paths to distract me from this desolate arctic bed i sit in building a pretense of hope and you. where's my diet cherry coke and my sandals and the warm humid breeze i want it i want it to fill my cracking dessicated lungs new air for a new life fresh molecules to make my blood run hot force it's way through parched veins make me new again make me real again no more false kisses and hidden burning scraps of flesh no grinding teeth down to the jaw

a smoldering stare a heart throbbing with that hot blood hands aching to reach out
lavinia is not far away

about you (to be continued...)

falling
from that high up window i was sitting on the ledge chipping paint scraping the backs of my thighs as i sipped a can of diet cherry coke and peered down at the distant ground stretching out below me thinking of the cliched balcony scene and if she was so in love why didn't she just jump down there and break her legs or her face and he could just carry her off and they could have been together then even though that doesn't sound particularly pleasant. i blow hair out of my eyes and take another sip lick my lips savoring the sickly sweet of aspartame left on them i want a kiss but i know i won't get it from the boy i want it from so i try to distract myself with other things focus on the edge of the sill cutting into my legs or the ache in my wrist from leaning on it my thoughts shift constantly random bursts and sparks spinning like a carousel with you standing still at the center. i want to reach out touch your shoulder so you'll know what i feel like but i can't get through the swirling mess of animals and chariots if i tried i would be rendered lavinia my hands hacked off tongue cut out left in a daze with no way to explain
tingling in my foot brings reality sharply back into focus and i can see everything so clear it hurts i don't know where to look. as my eyes adjust i drain my soda and crush the can, throw it watch it fall to the street below.

and eternal evenings.

makes me smile.


too much too much work.


let's breathe sweet vitriol and opium
let our blood flow with morphine

Take a step up and dust your knuckles off
crack the joints as you tense in anticipation
there's that rush forcing it's way back to your fingertips
the buzzing sensation as you clench and unclench fists
you're talking but not really paying attention
watching for the opportune moment
you take a wary shot and it falls short
in that second when they're laughing at you
you reach out again from an angle
and their head pops back from the blow
eyes wide open with shock
there's that familiar sting in the third knuckle
cracked from driving it into that cement wall over and over one night
there's that telltale line of blood
trickling down their chin
you won
it doesn't matter what happens after this
every fight is a fight to the death
you just never get there because they pull you off first
as far as you're concerned it's over now

Date:	2006-10-22 23:14
Subject:	The Penguin Russian Course.
Security:	Public
Mood:	disappointed
Music:	Robert Smith singing in my brain.

I just find I've been very frustrated by everything lately. There's been a persistant ache pounding in my head and today everything seemed so ugly and cheesy and lame that I never wanted to take another picture again. I feel uninspired and completely exhausted by everything and everyone. I want to stay in my bed all of the time in the dark and just sleep. But even that is horrible and makes me feel even worse. I don't know what to do.

Not interesting. Not at all.

Should I try to get into an art school? Is it, too, just a waste of my time and money? Would i be just as uninterested in everything there? I don't even know. How am I supposed to figure it out? I don't know why everything seems so pointless to me.

I'm talking to Haze on IM. I miss her a lot. But I hope that being away is good for her, I hope she's getting great experience and learning a lot, and that she'll come out of school excited for her future. I hate the future. I'm not excited for it at all. I also hate the present however. And some of the past as well. I wish I could go back and fix it. And then just die.

I started reading a beginner's book on russian. I don't know how anyone can speak that language, it is so confusing. I'll have to find somewhere to take a class. I want to learn greek as well.

I registered for my courses for the spring. I'm taking Drawing II, Printmaking I, 3-D Design, Painting I, and Voice Class. I was going to take choir, but then I'd have class from 9-4 with no breaks at all, and that didn't sound so fun... but I don't know, maybe I'll end up adding it back in. We'll see. I was going to take photo again but it wasn't listed... maybe she'll have it as an independent study. I still want to do a semester abroad or in some other place in the US. I guess in the fall? Or maybe I can do some sort of summer thing. We'll see.