|Subject:||yes, i am alive|
finally an update. i am officially out of highschool- forever. YES. ill be 18 in august and how great, on the same day warped tours in buffalo:-D. im stoked. just helped the same kid who i gave a pink mohawk dye his hair aqua. how fun. i have not a lot of hair left by the way, i got most chopped. today was enjoyable, went to the bmx show with my boy and frankothy and saw brandon, rhis brother, johanson, ryan, john, and a couple other kids. very nice. man im gonna miss jamestown. me and nikki and myles threw a big paper airplane off the bridge too- that was great. i wonder what people thought when they saw what we were carrying. is oral sex sex???? who can answer that question... well i went to a psycic, she says im psycic. lmao. oh well. good times. i feel constipated. im out for now
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|Music:||shit music- read the journal and ull understand|
its been a while my friend. quite some time. well, lets up date you all... last night i went with aaron while he got his transverse lobes done. they fucked up like 4 times and they hadnt done that peircing in the 10 years they have been peircing. he had to spend the night so he didnt pass out at the wheel on his way back home. my parents prolly wont care when i tell them- they are out of town. i cant wait to get peirced myself. i kinda want a monroe or madona or whatever they are called. i think they are pretty. im listening to old shit music- but it makes me feel good inside. its the kind of stuff i used to listen to when i was depressed- before my first concert, when i was still best friends with lauren, when i used to live on the computer and matt was still alive for me to love. he would always make fun of me for loving blink 182, but i always grew up on them- ir emember first hearing them in first grade and falling in love. haha. great times:). ya know, life has stages. its like, a gigantic stair case. each section is a different set of stairs to reach the top. ya look down and you gotta have faith u wont fall, and u look up and you gotta have faith ur legs can carry you there. each set of stairs has a different feeling. i look behind me, i look down, and its a blur, they are so far away they arent clear anyway. they are fuzzy, like my dreams. but i can still feel them stirring up inside me. my calves ache from the pain it took to get me there but the sweat ive acquired cools me off and gives me the reassurance to keep going. i wish i could thank matt for getting me through. i wish i learned how to help people like my boy from how matt helped me. my nose is running, lol. i guess im more nervous about moving on than i thought i was. im afraid to leave jamestown- i hope my arms are large enough to embrace all my past as well as acquiring a new future. i want to swallow it all. and never shit it out ;). shit happens though, and then u flush. its inevitable. i dunno what will happen, but i guess i gotta try to be ready for all of it. i need a hot shower. its 1:09 and im still eating breakfast. i dyed my hair pink again. did i tell u that already? some kids told me i look like the witch from the hot chick, haha- who knows. well im out friends. keep on truckin, keep on lovin, and whatever u do, stop the thuggin.
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|Subject:||prom and shiz|
|Music:||was listening to ramones, clash, + other oldschool punk|
so i just got home from prom night. it was an alright dance. went with the perfect guy, got to hug the teacher who also happened to be drunk who ive been obsessed with and he told me he thought of me the other day while watching court tv about this anarchist girl who was suing a school and he said "thats my nicole", and my friends and i got to push a car out of about a foot of mud. it was fun. afterwords we went to rachaels and watched sections of a bad porno while everyone else smoked and drank. then my boy and i went for a walk and hopefully in about 2 or 3 hours well be on our way to alleghany, but idk if we can go or not. im gonna try to stay up the entire night. i really wanted to spend the night at his house but i didnt want his mom to freak out. its been quite a week though. especially with another friend in the er. i saw her tonight though, she looked good- her and i need to hang out definately. and we think we found her problem with some drug interaction deals. unforutnately, i found out hardcores ex cheated on him cause hes telling me about it right now. seriously, this girl is terrible and hes had nothing but problems with females. it sux. i gotta go though, maybe ill post some pictures some other time. my brother may be coming home drunk... lol
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it's been a couple days. todays been shitty. really shitty. i went to the albright knox museum but i almost wish i didnt go on the feild trip. a lifelong friend of mine attempted suicide in school. she drank iodine and went to the er, they wouldnt let me in after school to see her. im freaking out. this is the fourth time this school year shes been in the er for incidences like this. i dont want to see another slit on her wrist or another pound on her ankle. i miss her, i hate this disease. i dont know what to do to help her. i dont know how. im scared. i dont want another one to die. everyone i get close to seems to die or leave me. trent, matt, dead. lauren, lisa, pushed away. what now? i cant take another. im extremely lucky to have the family i have and im extremely lucky to have alex. he came over today and we talked for a really long time about everything. he held me when i was on the verge of tears. im so scared. i cant lose anyone else. its hard to get attatched to people. i dont know anymore. i miss trent, i miss matt, i miss the happy steph, i miss lisa, i miss lauren. im gonna be missing a lot more next year. just breathe nicole, take one step at a time. at least right now u have your mom and alex. and nat and dave are an email away and dad is just a phone card and a phone call away. just breath...
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*when people die, they take a piece of us with them*
im so tired. im so scared.
|Subject:||my life is constipated.|
|Music:||rancid, used, distillers, greenday, ltj, cky -its a comp|
my life is kinda stuck in a rut in jamestown. i dunno whats next, and its makin me feel vulnerable. i just wanna be free, ya know? im calm now. well not calm, but not seething with rage on the edge of combusting with violent fits of terror. idk why that shit happens sometimes, its not common at all. im hoping it only happened cause of the changes in my life goin on at the moment. yesterday i went to salvos with lauren and paygo which was pretty awsome. we went to alfies and talked to bobby too. then we went to the mall and met up with jared, mykle, louis, and justin c. i also saw nikkihole up there. she got contacts finally, im happy for her. today i was supposed to go to erie with payge and lauren and payges boy but they got in a fight so that didnt happen. i want to go skatin at master bater, but i dont have transport now that my rents are off somewhere. *yawn* im cold. i dunno where my boy is im supposed to have called him yesterday when i got home but it was too late to call him. and i should prolly call him today but i dont like calling people for some reaason- prolly cause i have bad hearing and its difficult for me to actually communicate with anyone on the phone... too many concerts without earplugs. i dunno if im goin to the alkaline trio show in lackawana or not yet, but i should really call up brandon. i dunno what i did with his number. mastersplinters been havin some lady problems lately- friggin heartless girl- girls can be so mean. yeah, the kids i was supposed to chill with before prom are bein retarded- they are 'embarrassed' to be around me. what the fuck is that about: if ur embarrassed to be around me, dont sugar coat it. straight forwards the best way to be, i dont take people who beat around the bush very well- id rather just chop the tree down if u know what im sayin. and if ur embarrassed to be around me, dont pretend to be my fuckin friend and dont use me. im seriously sick of the shit lisa pulls on me. i wanna know what the hell offends her about me that shes gotta be such a bitch all the time. i wonder what elsabeths doin right now, shes supposed to hang out with me this weekend. i wonder where kiahs @ right now too, she seems to be have gone for a while. i bet shes in puertorico with her family. speaking of i wish i didnt have tan lines. but i guess its my fault for fallin asleep in the sun and getting burnt. i should prolly go get dressed right now since im still wet and naked. later kids.
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|Music:||against all authority- all fall down.|
intense heat envelopes my head; i can sense the temperature radiating from my every orface and epidermis. the warmth engulfs my body as my mind seems to implode into the endless pit of utter oblivion, yet the question remains unanswered. what pathogen inflicts its agony onto my feeble corpse? what nefarious virus pangs me with dirangement? why am i chosen to be the bearer of loathing and abomination? the urge usurps my inner being, thus catalysing my inclination towards entropy to errupt into a blood bath of rage. the red velvet liquid swallows my flesh and exterior. its mollassis viscosity is only surpassed by the deliberately slow motion of every circumventing, asphyxiated clock. the dull, jagged instrument impales the constituents of my muscles over and over and over again; each incision accelerates in depth and assault as my physical denunciation of mental well being strikes my innermost viceral core. the survival instincts lay listless and thwarted in the heap of unadultered anarchy and self destruction. the chaotic ruins of girl quiver lifelessly as if possessed by the six headed beasts of terror, her vision fades away. and it all turns black...
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hmm- excellent randition of recollected past nicole! great job! make urself sound like u belong on jones hill in that padded room. hey- writing helps and no i havent cut myself in about a year. what i dont understand is why im feeling the same anger i did last year when i did. last year i was with andy and i was suffocating- i was strangled by my stupidity of staying by the side of a complete dick wad. and the saddest part about it was i let him be the dick wad and make me feel that way. for some reason im feeling that way again. idk why. maybe i do and i dont want to admit it. i think something inside me is telling me that this stress is uncool of growing up to get stuck in the 9 to 5 world and the limits of my boy from his mom are angering me- or not even that. maybe im just afraid that his and my relationship will go to the shitter. i dont know what it is. it cant be my uterus- im not on the rag this time of month, so im not sure. maybe its something with my body. especially since i started to notice my unneccessary futile concern with body weight. i dont wanna have an eating disorder yet i binge and feel guilty- luckily ive only purged maybe 3 times in the past month. i wonder if something is wrong with me. i hate it when other people are like this and i hate feeling vulnerable. i cant stand it. maybe thats what this is- a control issue or something. im not sure... i cant believe im sayin all this shiz publicly. but i know that maybe it will help me if i get it out instead of locking it in like i usually do. at least its helping me progress in art. today i was sitting on an upside down table and i felt like i was in a cage- and i liked it. that is unnatural for me. anyone who knows me knows that this isnt the way i normally act. im bubbly, bouncy, spontanious .... i dont understand whats going on with me. lets see- do i have any other news? um, proms gonna suck i think- my boy cant do anything, im still stoked im graduating number 12 out of maybe 400 students in my class, i finished some color combinations for my comic, tommorow i get to see justice renquist, tuesdays physics day at darian lake, sundays the alkaline trio concert, saturdays hangin out at jems place to watch ex band mates mourning glory practice, fuck the albright knox trip to the art museum is the same day as physics day. fuckin a. id prolly have more fun at the museum but i already paid for physics day so i might as well go. uhhh, i dont wanna take a shower tonight- ill try to inhale the water or something ridiculously stupid. idk. *moans*
|Music:||afi (all hollows ep), doa, rise against, osker (treatment 5)|
yet another perfect day at school. ive been workin on my sketch book too- now its reinforced with about 2 lbs of masking tape and stickers from arbitrary locations. after school i chilled with my boy and with his best friend- we watched jack ass- my boy's mom told us to turn it off when it got to the "Sand Vagina" song and the penis ran into it. lmao, toilet just read a great quote to me: "Certain springs are tapped only when we are alone" Anne Morrow Lindbergh. HAHA, i know mine is- especially if i'm @ ampland.com or any other such site. so burrito man tells me yesterday that he asked god for a sign and i gave it to him- either i'm god or i'm supposed to be christian i guess. it's kinda strange a lot of people have been tryin to convert me lately. who knows. i wanna go skate but its rainy. i should prolly go to master skater to work on vert shiz- or as the pennsylvanians call it: master bator. speakin of, one of my really close bi friends has a crush on my bf and was talkin to me about a 3some. it's funny what wanders ur way in life. i dunno what i think about that- after all one of my goals in life used to be bein fuct by 2 guys at once- but idk how i feel about it anymore. of coarse the whole idea turns me on (has a thing for gay guys) but i wouldnt know how my boy would feel about it or i would actually feel about it. i dont wanna think about it to be honest right now, other than to laugh at my luck. thankfully another friend of mine who doesn't follow the status quo when it comes to sexuality wants me to room with him in college- i think that would totally rock, he's a kick arse friend. unfortunately, i found out today what i had suspected about one of my girls is true- she has an eating disorder. at least she admits it now; i'm gonna find her some help i hope. i know what it's like. my bro was home today- hes goin to my college for grad school so it is a huge relief i'm not doin this completely alone. i have no idea how to handle finances. and i can't drive so i'll hit him up for transportation XD. muhahaha. i'm skilled. i'm doin pretty good right now. i'm ultra thankful for my friends, family, and my boy. just hope they have as much faith in me as i do in them. well i'm out for now- i've got some inking to color:-p.
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|Subject:||mykle says: r u using those communism metaphors again?|
|Music:||bad religion- process of belief.|
i have wrapped hell in a snowy blanket of demise... yes. i have conquered my physics class! well actually, i took the ap, so now all that's left is projects and group work and videos. fuckin stellar. i came up with a new idea for a comic strip too that im gonna work on with my bro (hardcore, master splinter, whatever u wanna call him, of coarse). its gonna be rad; the subject=filth*gutter goddess*. it's great cause ive been workin with art to illustrate for literature. i'm working on illustrating a poem too. exciting stuff. lisa gave me a solarization i begged her for today too- i'm gonna put that in some art too, im stoked. she's ultra talented with photo shiz. hopefully i'll get involved with photo now that ap is over for art- im crossin my fingers dr. peterson will let me go to the dark room during her class. i recieved my financial aid package for ub, and the debt is coming closer and closer to reality. u gotta understand that i've never had a real job except for doing other kids' homework in school and gettin paid for it. i've never had a lot of money. speaking of- i gotta save up for nofx's newest album. well i'm out for now mateys... watch out for pirates
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|Subject:||but i'll wait, i'll wait till the seasons change...|
|Music:||tsunami bomb- invasion from within.|
today's been good so far. alex came over:-p. i think i needed that. we found a deformed dandelion that looked like a piece of celery, lol. ummm, i did a charcoal drawing and i started two paintings due to his modelling. oh yeah, he got stopped by some little kids cause he was wearing eyeliner and they asked him if he was a 'gawth'- it was hillarious. then i proceeded in telling them i was the crazy one, we were related, then i picked up a random orange we found. i ate part of it and now my moms pissed. i told her im preparing for when i can't pay off my student loans and ill be a gutter child. she was angry i feel kinda hurt since i only live with her right now and its mother's day and all. thats a pisser. i have to finish college us history 2 homework which all i gotta do is find another add to hand in- i found a really interesting example thats totally sexist... it will be good for discussion on audiences targeted by products and advertisement. i also have my ap physics tommorow. i have to leave the best classes for it, too. i'm gonna get a one on it- either that or be the first person to score negatively on it. speaking of, i guess some of my friends who take ap euro history got stuck in an elevator, called 911 cause they had to take the final, and 911 thought they were pranking. funny story. i got some advice from one too that i think everyone needs to follow more: never harm the individual or u will get lynched. *coughcough* as another tells me he wants an emotional three some. haha. crazy people. i would be dead if i had no friends. i feel bad cause i dont talk to them as much as i should. who knows. i guess im a failure sometimes- in the words of a wise person: I'm sick of school, but I know that after I graduate life is just going to get worse.
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*sigh* where from here?
my computer is from 94; need i say more? i can't figure out how to change bitmap files into jpeg ones, and as a result, i have no photo to put up. i need to shower and i smell bad. not to mention, theres a tornado watch again- see i knew something wasnt right and i just couldnt tell what it was. today should be interesting. i should probably be studying for my ap physics exam on monday- stupid college coarses suck, especially when i'm the stupid one. yay, my boy just figured out the picture thing for me, woohoo. well i gotta go put it up and get clean. stay safe on the high seas matey.
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hmm, by the way im tryin to figure out how i include other pictures on this thing...
Goddess of Wind, calm and cool and under control.
You don't like getting personal with too many
What element would you rein over? (For Girls)
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|Music:||afi- sing the sorrow.|
yeah, so its early in the morning and i just got an online journal thing. lets see- today i had the acappella concert, and after words i painted. it was alright, not the best. somethin doesnt feel quite right- kinda depressed; i'm thinkin it was just the atmosphere of where i was painting. it happens sometimes. thats why painting on my own is better than with most people. i'm listening to afi- repeatedly- i'm too lethargic to change the cd, and i like it besides. but the hidden tract is kinda creepy at the end- kinda like how i can't listen to at the drive in at night time cause it'll make me paranoid and afraid. so i'm talkin to kids online. i love my friends, all of them. they're unique and they actually care about people- well the ones i'm talking to right now do. yeah... one of them likes this girl and he likes her, but she's a youngin- they're 16 and 13, respectively. he cares about what other people think of the relationship. why should anyone ever have to sacrifice themselves for an appearance; i wish i knew what made people care. my mom and dad weren't thought of as 'acceptable' either cause he came from an impoverished pr family with 15 people living together and she came from a judgemental family who didn't think he was american enough or somethin. but yet they've been together since highschool and now they're almost 50. not only that but they not only love eachother, but they are in love, still. that woulda never happened if they gave a shit about what people think. i dunno, maybe i'm an angry child or maybe i'm just tired. prolly just tired. i should remove my contacts. come to think of it, i'm not quite sure why i created this journal, it's not like anyone's gonna read it anyways. maybe it's just a way for me to fix what's off balance right now.
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