feelslikefire's Blurty Friends [entries|friends|calendar] feelslikefire [ userinfo | blurty userinfo ] [ calendar | blurty calendar ]

opinioooonnnn please [03 Jul 2008|12:17am] thinandhealthy [1cigarrette] ( My plans have been destroyeeed! ) 1 comment|post comment

[03 Jul 2008|12:10am] 1cigarrette BLAH... change of plans... so the whole treasure-hunt idea was great and all but it turns out that we're going to DINNER with his whole family after 8pm... so... yeah... scratch that out... because unless i'm going to ask him to drop me off and then pick me up(which im not) it won't work... so i'll save it for an anniversary or something... so... i was thinking... he's coming to my house at 6pm after work where I can give him balloons and a gift... and then act as if that was all.. then to dinner with the fam... after that... when we're done... i'll tell him i have a surprise but we have to go back to my house because i forgot something (pretending the surprise will be elsewhere)... then asking him to get out of the car and do the whole dark house with candles - rose petals - lovely music - i STILL want a big painting or photograph of the moon (which he can keep as a present)... and then just bubbbly wine and chocolate covered strawberries or something andddd... sexy undiesss hahah... sounds like a (backup) plan? post comment

[01 Jul 2008|09:50am] thinandhealthy [1cigarrette] heeelp! ( birthday gift help ) 2 comments|post comment

Monday? [30 Jun 2008|05:05pm] secrethoughts [ mood | happy ] Food ( Read more... ) Tonight, D and I will probably walk Mug for awhile in the park, which will be nice. Not exactly a real calorie burner, but I'll count it as activity. ;) Tomorrow we'll probably go to the gym. Seriously, getting all this extra sleep has been amazing. I feel so much better. This weekend, for the most part, was good. Yesterday, kind of sucked though. The suckitude started when our friends invited us over to their swimming pool. Now, I've been doing better with this whole pregnancy body image thing, but I don't have a swimsuit that fits, and honestly I don't want to buy one. I'm just not there. I feel like it would cause massive ungluing and a horrible body/self schism that I'm just not ready for at this point. Anyhow, he was seriously pissed that I wouldn't go buy a swimsuit and go swimming, and we had a big fight about it, and I ended up spazzing and crying, and it sucked. He still doesn't get it. Thinks I should feel beautiful , that I should be proud of my expanding figure, and that I should want to flaunt it and all that, and while that's true, and while I know it's true, knowing what should be doesn't make it so. External knowledge doesn't equate to an internal reality.. I wish it did, but it doesn't. Hell, right now I'm trying to work on my regular, non-pregnant body image. I'm not ready to embrace and flaunt my body in its current state. Whether or not he knows it, he's seriously lucky that I haven't gone into complete hermitude! Honestly, swimsuit meltdown aside, for me I think I'm doing well. Bottom line, we didn't end up going to the pool, and he apologized for upsetting me. Poor D. Seriously, I wish I could be... Whatever. Anyhow, after my minor melt down, we went to the gym, where I had a a killer weight workout, and after that we ended up going over to their house for a fully clad dinner, which was nice. I made (and obviously didn't drink) mojitos, which everyone seemed to enjoy. Seriously, I make a killer mojito. For dinner, we had pasta. Good times. The day before that we saw my parents. It was nice.. We had pasta then too. I also got my hair cut, which was seriously long overdue. It looks so much better now. On Friday, I think Mike (former housemate) came over for dinner; we had a great time. Honestly, I wish we got to see Mike more. Also, we had pasta. For the record, I'm boycotting pasta for...like...ever. Actually, we saw Mike on Thursday, but I'm still boycotting pasta forever because that is still too much pasta in such a short period of time. I think Friday basically ended up being a lazy blah day, which was nice too. And that pretty much wraps it up! post comment

[30 Jun 2008|02:30am] 1cigarrette so, once again i find myself trapped in the whole "its-the-boy's-birthday-on-friday-and-i-dont-know-what-to-do" dilema... see... my birthday was fantastic... and i had already thought about going into a hotel and decorating it with petals and candles and whatnot... butttt... i was talking to the boy and i think he'd like for me to do something (cooking of course)... besides, a simple hotel room in the area is like $80dlls at least... let alone a nice room... which i hadn't really thought of... blah... SO... i was thinking the following: have him do a short drive around the city with little clues over some places... and lead him to lovely notes all over the city... then to tricky spots... like to his house... then someone else's house (so that he thinks he might be going there) at the end of that... lead him to my house... make some dinner and buy some wine and do a nice trail of candles and petals leading up to my room... where i'd already have everything set up to look gorgeous and maybe buy huge pictures of the moon and stuff like that (we're total moon-lovers) and set up for it to look romantic and play some trova music (which he loves) and have dinner sitting on the floor with a short table and of course buy sexy undies for the 2nd part... lol... and maybe get him a simple gift of something he likes...... possible problems: 1. The whole touring around the city MIGHT just annoy him... or he just MIGHT love it... you never know... 2. I really can't cook (but of course i could figure it out for 1 night) 3. I HAAAAVE to bribe my sisters to get out of the house in order for it to be more romantic... 4. I hope things are not too expensive because I shouldn't really spend money ackkk... opinion? his birthday is 4th of July... so... yeah... i need it quick... oh... and if you want to suggest anything for dinner... (he loves argentinean food -meat- but really he likes everything.. specially if i cook it...) thank yooooooooooooou! post comment

[29 Jun 2008|08:36pm] blarneystoned After days of eating like a queen. (ex: I had a belini yesterday...) I was good today! Back on the wagon... post comment

[27 Jun 2008|01:11pm] 1cigarrette on may 23rd... i posted this: Initial weight: X kg Goal for my birthday (June 24!): X-2 kg Goal for August: X - 3 kg Goal for December: X - 5kg And then just maintain, maintain, maintain... So im back to strategic calorie counting... And... I'm actually today... X-2.5 (3 days after my birthdayyyy)... So... goal 1- DONEEEEE!!! I just need to maintain the weightloss and lose .5k more for august... tra-la-laaaa 1 comment|post comment

[27 Jun 2008|12:00am] thinandhealthy [thespian15] [ mood | annoyed ] It's time for a little good news, bad news. The bad news... My station at work is closing today/Friday and I am guessing it will probably be closed for at least 2 weeks. With that said, I don't know how much time I will have to be on the computer, so if I go missing for a few days at a time you will know that I am just lost some where in Mother Mayo's system. *help* The good news... While I would prefer to be on my own station, this will get me away from my lovely coworkers for awhile. Bad news Pt. 2... I am sure this means at least two weeks of babysitting confused patients. The part of this job I hate the worst. Sounds like a good time to come down with a nasty Summertime cold. hehehe........ post comment

omg... [26 Jun 2008|10:47pm] ohaiyogozaimasu ...I just realized that I wrote a post about being cured and then slipping up a couple of months ago... What the hell? I'm having serious issues gathering my thoughts today. Did I really think that I would be cured that easily? Is it actually recovery if you slip up? I have no idea. I think that I seriously devalue my successes in my life, regardless of their size. Why is it so hard for me to be happy? I need to be stronger. post comment

I've been nonstop bingeing... [26 Jun 2008|10:20pm] ohaiyogozaimasu [ mood | tired ] [ music | wooden ships - steven stills ] ...for probably 5 days now. I'm not really counting, though. Yesterday it was sour patch kids, today it was donuts, monday it was tortillas or something. I've been working out, so I've really only gained a pound, its nothing that isnt reversible, IF I STOP BINGEING LIKE RIGHT NOW. Anyways, my throat is fucking killing me. I'm kinda at a loss, you know? I think I might need a higher dose of concerta. I need to stay strong through the next week or so and pass this fucking exam. I'm losing focus. Maybe tomorrow I'll take 72 instead of 54mg. I know, I shouldnt. But I'm so afraid of falling asleep and then using food to focus. I really need to just sit down and do this. I need to figure out why I can't focus. What is it that is making me binge? Is it really because I've never been under this much pressure before? Am I really that stressed out? Do I fear failure? The weird thing is that I dont feel pressure or oncoming failure. I'm worried about what will happen after I pass the exam. I'm mostly worried that I will pass the series 7 and then fail at real life. They'll say "start trading" and I will lose thousands of dollars... but I've looked at what people do in lower pressure business jobs and it just seems boring. I dont want to sit at a desk all day doing spreadsheets or putting things together for clients. I really want to be making markets or working in a hedge fund. Blah. I have no idea. DPPs seem cool, but I dont have enough money to do that yet. I just wish I would stop bingeing. I can't start gaining weight... there is a huge emphasis being put on my image. I need to be thinner. I need to crush both men and women with intelligence regardless of what they look like or how much they know. Yes, I realize this is insane. But, my youth is on my side. Companies are looking for young people. Young women going into Day Trading are rare... believe me, my company is all old white men over 40, as is the majority of the stock exchange. Honestly, though... I'm trying to look more inward to figure out whats going on with me. This isn't about food, this isnt about my body image. I feel thinner than I have in several years, and while I dont feel thin, thinner is a step. I know that I've spent the majority of my life running from things instead of facing them head on. I also know that I've effectively tricked the entire world into believing that I have extreme self-esteem and that I wont let anyone walk all over me. But, in the end I let people shove me around and I'm fucking terrified that I'll try to find something new to do, even if I have found something that I love. I fucking love options. But I thought I loved fixing the health care system, teaching English in Japan, life guarding, medical care, etc... I'm worried that my obsession with end and that I will end up doing the same thing I did with Japanese come the end of the year: I lost interest. My hyper focus was gone and I just couldnt sit down to do it. I dont know what I'll do if I lose my hyper focus on finance. I'll have to start all over again. I'm tired of always running to something new when I cant focus... which brings me back to the concerta... I need to go back to listening to my body about hunger and satiety. I can do this. I'm gonna start recording my food again, it really helped me. I'm going to record my exercise, too. I can kick this bingeing. And lastly, I'm tired of letting other people ruin my life or change my perspective on things. I know what I have to offer and I am well aware of how to go about getting the things I do and don't need. Who the fuck cares what other people are doing? I stopping caring about how people saw me a long time ago, but it's hard for me to let go of the way people choose to live their own lives. I know that it doesn't affect me, and when it does, I have the right to be judgmental, but shit. I know that I dont have to be perfect, but I do have to take things head on. I do need to live for me and no one else. I do need to make sure I do that, regardless of what other dumb shit people are doing around me. I will be above it. I suppose thats all. Food journal starts tomorrow. I'm sorry I havent been commenting or reading anything. I suck. I have this exam around the corner and I've been trying to use my down time to not kill myself. So yeah, maybe I'll be better after next week? I guess we'll see. I'm starting to think that I might need a therapist again... ugh. 2 comments|post comment

life is good. [26 Jun 2008|01:38pm] secrethoughts Yesterday I discovered that I was indeed able to install and run Rosetta Stone on my work computer. *Beams* Now I know what I will be doing for at least an hour a day or so. Call me a nerd if you like, but I've always had a thing for foreing languages, and I like to keep up with my Spanish, and now that I'll have oodles of free time to kill, an educational program, and a compliant computer, I will be more than able to do so. I did it yesterday, and it was pretty cool. While I can't squander my time by randomly not coming in, I'm still really enjoying my shorter work days. Basically, I come in at 10, work through lunch, and leave by 4. I really love the extra time in the morning. I did a mask this morning and lounged around with my dog while I ate a leisurely breakfast, and it was nice to not feel like I had to haul ass up the hill to work, a sweaty mess in my stuffy dress clothes. Instead, I got to wear some comfy khakis and a cute empire blouse and stroll in to work. Supposedly we'll be closing on our house within the next month or so, fingers crossed. = ) Physical musings and workout stuff and food ( Read more... ) 4 comments|post comment

Feelin' Good [26 Jun 2008|12:06pm] thinandhealthy [secrethoughts] So it's finally happened! My busy season has ended, and I finally have my life back, and it's fabulous. The cool thing about it is that now I feel like I have so much free time, which is awesome. Free time= working out again. Yesterday-35 minutes on the elliptical. Today- Strength training Tomorrow-Either I'll take tomorrow off, or I'll just walk on the treadmill for a bit. Anyhow, today I thought I'd post a few health things that I'm loving at the moment. Thomas' 100 Calorie English Muffins- These come in two tasty varieties: regular 100 calorie and 100 calorie multi grain. The multi grain one has a whopping 8 g of fiber and 6 g of protein; the regular one has 5 g of fiber and 4 g of protein. They both taste awesome. The regular one is a good choice for dieters who want some more fiber, but can't stomach anything even remotely wheaty. The other one is only a tiny bit wheaty...my husband didn't even notice the difference betweent the two though, and that speaks volumes. As an added bonus, the fact that these have an even 100 calories per muffin makes it easy for those who are counting calories. Double bonus: Thomas' products no longer contain HFCS. I've been eating these for breakfast, either with an egg, eggwhites, or natural peanut butter. Stonyfield Farms Oikos Greek Yogurt- The brand isn't terribly important here; I'm really talking more about the benefits of Greek yogurt in general. Due to the straining process, it's thicker, creamier, and much higher in protein, which makes it way more filling and satisfying. Your average, conventionally made yogurt only contains about 6 g of protein per serving, while a serving of Greek yogurt has between 13-15 g of protein per 110-120 calorie serving. As an added bonus, this yogurt is also much lower in carbohydrates and lactose, which makes it a better choice for people who are sensitive to dairy products. Of course, it also has all the same beneficial bacteria that regular yogurt has too, so check it out! Amy's Kitchen Soups- Generally, I like to make my own soups, but I don't always have the time. The only problem is that when you make your own soups, you often get spoiled, and canned soups taste like crap in comparison. Amy's soups are the only ones that approximate homemade taste. As an added bonus, these soups are made with super healthful ingredients, and they're seriously good for you. As an example, one can of their lentil soup has 300 calories, 12 g of fiber, 16 g of protein, 60% of your RDA of vitamin A, and 30% of your RDA of iron. These soups are all vegetarian; many are vegan, and most are available in low sodium options. While these aren't exactly cheap, they're a lot cheaper than buying lunch, which is what I do when I don't have time to make it, so I don't really feel too bad about it. These make a great lunch by themselves, and you can pair them with a healthy sandwich, wrap, quiche, or salad for a healthy dinner. Low Sodium V8- I admit, I'm obsessed with this stuff. It's oddly refreshing, although for some people, the low sodium thing is a deal breaker. If low sodium isn't your thing, they have lemon, spicy, and regular varities. They have organic, vitamin and calcium and fiber enriched versions too. This stuff is a super easy way to get a few servings of veggies in; it has TONS of potassium, vitamin A, and vitamin C, and it has tons of lycopene too. Plus, veggie juice has waaaaay less sugar, carbs, and calories than fruit juice. If you don't eat enough produce, this is a great way to sneak it (and the associated health benefits) into your diet. And.... Produce- I'm loving that fresh produce season is here. Lately I'm all over berries, cantaloupe, oranges, and bananas. So dish! Why not post on what you're loving lately? 4 comments|post comment

not a spokesmodel (yet) [26 Jun 2008|10:36am] blarneystoned I have not been paid for this endorsement: Terax conditioner smells amazing & works great:) Just a lil fyi 2 comments|post comment

the end [25 Jun 2008|03:14pm] secrethoughts [ mood | jubliant ] Session is over. Dead. Fin. Finito. Whatever. *Breathes a huge sigh of relief* Hurray! It's kind of a drag though, because I seriously want to celebrate, and I feel like I have no means to do so. For me, as limited and sad as it is, celebration usually entails spending money (nice dinner out perhaps) or at least some alcohol. At this point I can have neither. The end of session is also always celebrated by an alcohol soaked orgiastic drinking fest with numerous coworkers. I usually participate without fail. This year, this is obviously a no-go. Instead I made due with sleeping in until 11 and coming to work late, which I admit, was pretty nice. I'm also chillin' in a comfy, cute maxi dress, which is nice in itself because usually I would have to wear crappy, uncomfortable, overly warm dress clothes, so I'm trying to enjoy what I can. It's nice to have a break.. Today I paid bills, talked on the phone to my dad, farted aroudn the internet, and didn't do much of anything else, and I'm good with that. For the rest of the off-session, I'm thinking: 1. Book list- I want to read cool things. Suggestions are welcome! 2. Walk every day for 30 minutes. 3. If my computer supports it, I'd like to do my Rosetta Stone stuff here to keep up with my Spanish. 4. I wonder if I could bring in some art projects? My drawing pad or some water color projects perhaps? I just don't want to waste all of session frittering time away on the internet, and the thing is, I actually have to spend some time here bcause I'm saving up all the time I've earned for maternity leave, so I cna't just not show up like I did most of off-session. Bleh. Woo hooo! post comment

[25 Jun 2008|11:39am] 1cigarrette best... birthday... ever!!!!! ok so the previous post was a bit dramatic... but that's me... and i was feeling quite blue... i got angry at the boy (which was part of his evil plan, by the way) and that was that... quick summary... woke up and my mom and my younger sister got me some MAC and cash to buy some clothes... yay... then i went to work and that was uneventful except that i got to tlak to the boy a lot and i got un-angry since he sent me a lovely letter thingy... then they bought a lotttt of sushi and wine and cake and we all had lunch together (mom, mom'sboyfriend, 2 sisters, 1 sister's boyfriend, 1 boyfriend) it was AWESOME we laughed a lot and the food was delicious and the wine was terrific, then i went to school and that was fun since everyone kept hugging me everywhere hahah... and then i got out early because my last teacher was so excited that it was my birthday and that i was a "cancer, just like her" hahah and then the boy picked me up... blindfolded me outside of school and poured me a delicious drink while we talked and he drove to who-knows-where... and then he walked me into this room full of candles and beautiful spanish music and more wine... it was gooooorgeous... and then after a few hours of talking and drinking and whatnot he gave me this terrific ring!!! (no, we're not engaged... i'd say it was a promise ring, but that's too weird hahah)... the thing about the boy and I is that every ring he gives me has a different meaning... he gave me a ring when we first started dating, like 5 months into the relationship (now 3 years, 5 months) its a white gold band with a solitary rock (i have no idea how "real" it is... but i really don't care)... andddd... he gave me a huge speech as to why he was giving it to me.. and he's lovely and i love him... and that's all i'll say... i really can't describe what a nice day it was... best... birthday... ever.... 2 comments|post comment

Diet Week # 25....... [25 Jun 2008|05:48am] thinandhealthy [thespian15] [ mood | stressed ] I knew a weight gain was coming. I have gotten mixed up in the middle of a messy situation at work and I have been stress eating over it. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!! ( Da Numbers ) 4 comments|post comment

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! [24 Jun 2008|10:19am] thinandhealthy [secrethoughts] How about a big happy birthday shout out to 1cigarette! Here's hoping you have a great birthday and a fabulous year!!!!! 3 comments|post comment

Product Lust [23 Jun 2008|08:47pm] secrethoughts Ok, so I'm having a major beauty jones. EEEEeeeeeeek! Would it be totally tacky for me to take donations? Anyone? Anyhow, here's my list of what I'm currently wanting: 1.Nars The Multiple- I have the Copacabana, and I <3, it, and I would love to get South Beach and Orgasm too. I am all over multitasking products. Philosophy the Supernatural Concealer- I have heard AMAZING things about this stuff, and I can't wait to try it. MAC Volcanic Ash Exfoliator-Omg...I want this. MAC Lip Conditioner- As a girl with full, chap-prone lips, I'm always on the hunt for new lip products, and this one has received rave reviews. MAC Prep and Prime Lip Refinisher-The obsession with lip products continues! MAC Paint Pots- <3 these. I want like five of them. I'm also interested in some sort of a peel system, like this one by by MD Skincare, but it has salicylic acid, so I can't use it now. I'd definitely be interested in other ones though. One of these neat zit zappers might be neat too- there's this one by Thermaclear and this one by Zeno. Does anyone actually have one of these?? I'm also interested in the Caudelie products, like Purifying Concentrate or this Vinoperfect Day Cream or this Radiance Day Fluid or this one or this one. So the way I figure, I need like...$500 to $1,000. HAHAHAHAHAHA...... Anyhow, thoughts, suggestions, feedback, DISH! What are you wanting? post comment

take 2... [23 Jun 2008|07:29pm] 1cigarrette now im feeling depressed. its not the birthday... because honestly, who the fuck cares, i'm only turning 21... but i feel so... sad... and not looking forward to anything... my mom is asking what i want to do... where i want to go to lunch or dinner or anything and all i can think of is how fat i'm feeling and how of all things i dont want food... the boy is stressed and is being an asshole and i know its because he doesn't have hundreds of dollars to spend on my birthday like he always does... and instead of trying to make it work... he decides to become the world's biggest asshole making things harder for me... and now i have to plan my birthday... isn't that what boyfriends are for? to make my birthday special and not make them a cause of major stress?!!! i could so kill him right now... i cried for an hour... and then i called him... he was an ass... i yelled at him... and i cried for another hour... i don't know if i care... birthdays are bullshit... i dont want to see tomorrow... i know my desk at work will be filled with balloons because that's what assistents do to people's desks when people have birthdays... and i'll be embarassed to walk in and be uncomfortable because i dont know what they expect me to do... should i jump and say thank you?!... should i just ignore it... or should i call in sick... ok maybe not the last one... even though its the only thing i wish i could do... whyyyy wasn't it on a weekend... things would be better... i.feel.like.crap. post comment

[23 Jun 2008|02:22pm] 1cigarrette So.. tomorrow's my birthday... and i'm definitely not feeling the party-vibe... Things are alright... i guess... the food and workouts haven't been as bad as they could've been... but i feel super fat yesterday the boy and I had a talk and it made me sad and worried... apparently he's fine with me working fulltime (if that's what i want for my future *well DUH! i'm only investing a lot time and money on it...*) but also expects ME to cook, clean, do laundry and do all that slave-work... i'm not sure i'm okay with that... i mean, yeah i COULD do it... but it feels so fucking unfair and i want to say i refuse... but i will probably end up doing it all... and resent him and want to poke his eyes out... and blah... hiring a maid is an option, except i would be expected to pay for it and make sure she does the job properly (which itself is a fulltime job, you can ask my mom that) that's the bad thing about mexico, things like this don't change as fast... and the only one who's ever on my side about this issue is my older sister who expects to live like a princess and no do anything (maybe a job, but definitely no slave work...-and yes, i call it that-) its depressive and makes me reconsider the whole relationship... actually... it makes me reconsider the whole marriage thing... as if i didn't have enough doubts about it already... blah... Anyways... i'll write about the whole conversation later... Apparently the boy is stressed and is having a really bad time working with his dad... he's been offered 192381302 jobs... all of which are horribly underpaid... of course the only way you ever get a good job here is making your way up from a lower paying job... so... it might be time to give up and sacrifice for a while... Aaaaanyways... I'm finishing my internship on wednesday.. and I'm DEFINIELY looking forward to a semi-vacation time... only gym and school and boy and poor-ness for me... yay About the birthday... tomorrow is tuesday... i have to go to work and then school... i get out at 10pm, i hoooonestly don't want to celebrate... what's to celebrate... the depressiveness of my life... and the way i'm slowly realizing it... alaksndlkashdliasoidasd fuckit post comment

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ] [ go | earlier ]