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[12 Jun 2008|08:49pm] |
Things arent going so great. This post is going to be weird - and I am probably not doing as bad as I sound - I am just writing this whilst I am particularly feeling sorry for myself. So, I will promise you this - I swear I will be ok soon - I just need to get these things off my chest.
I feel really alone. Its horrible to be 27 years old and not have anyone who is there to help. I have become so despondent about everything I can hardly bear it. I feel ashamed I can't enjoy life, I am ashamed I can't go out or go on holiday or just put a fucking smile on my face and mean it. I never used to be like this - or maybe I did I just didnt let it bother me. How did I let everything get so messed up? I have demolished the supposed 'best years of my life'. How am I going to feel in 40 years time? What am I going to look back on? Others will have travelled the earth, have beautiful families, succeeded. I will look back on a life time of trying to be thin - and failing. I am an eating disorder - nothing else. I just want the pain to go away. I want someone to help take the pain away. I want a friend who will understand and care for me. My head is so messed up it is unreal. My thoughts are pathetic. I cant stop thinking about not being here - and it hurts to say that so much. I know 100% that I would never ever end my life. Life is just so, so hard. I feel massively guilty for not being able to appreciate it. I feel massively guilty for hating myself. This is too much for me to cope with right now.
I am feeling somewhat better by getting this off my chest, and after a good nights sleep I will probably be feeling a lot better. It goes without saying that I know you guys will always support me and care - its just in 'real life' I am talking about. I dont know how I would still be here today if it wasnt for you guys. xxx.
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