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[03 Feb 2008|07:06pm] |
I truly have no idea how I am doing. I am not bingeing or purgeing - so thats the main thing. However, I am becoming truly absorbed with the idea of losing weight fast, it scares me a little. I am finding it increasingly difficult to eat, and when I do force myself eat, I continuously think of purgeing. I have started to c/s quite a bit.
I keep trying to remind myself how dangerous it is to restrict heavily and mainly the part about it not really making you lose that much weight. I need to be thin so desperately I have no idea what to do. At least I need to lose 10kgs - thats a lot. Previously I have lost around 23kgs - so I know it is possible, but now my metabolism is super-fucked. Bollocks - I hate this. I just cant work out how to do it. I am going the gym 3 times a week now - so that should make things easier - but I want it now!
The funny thing is, is now I am not bulimic I am finding it so much more mentally distressing. Thats what pisses me off about definitions of EDs. They really mean jack shit. What is really sad is I would happily swap to being heavily bulimic if it meant I could lose this weight. I keep thinking what if I just purge and never binge - but it ends up spiralling out of control and then I will be b/p several times a day, and then the weight will increase.
I shall just keep on going.
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