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[03 Jan 2008|06:23pm] |
Things are going annoying badly today from a non-food approach. I wanted to take tomorrow off as annual leave but I am going to have to go in to do a bunch of paper-work which has to be done by tomorrow, the reason I couldnt do it today - because people have lost all the information which I base the work on. They still wont find it by tomorrow either, so its going to be a right barrel of laughs trying to do on my day off.
Anyway, a really trivial thing in the grand scheme of things, but its made me feel really annoyed / upset / frustrated. All the sort of feelings that would be made better by b/p. I have been crying for 1.5 hours - I never cry that long because a b/p would put a stop to it. I know I would feel like shit for hours after purging, but I would feel better than I do right now. I need something to stop me feeling like this. I need a release mechanism and I cant find one. I know b/p is not really the answer and to be honest I dont really feel like doing it, its just the part of me that knows I would feel better if I did. Im getting really hungry, but I dont want to eat a meal - the thought is making me feel sick. Im also a little scared to go into the kitchen incase I do b/p. I certainly cant go out to get anything - because that would just be far too dangerous.
Bollocks, I really am about to explode or inplode - I cant decide which one. I might even just go to bed, its 6.45pm - but whats the fucking point of staying awake if I feel like this?
As annoyed as I am, somewhere in the back of my mind there is a minute sense of self-pride that I am not b/p. I still feel like shit more so than ever though.
Fucking stuff.
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[03 Jan 2008|08:25pm] |
I have managed to stop myself from b/p - which is fucking amazing. I feel so unhappy now though, but not frustrated.
I am unhappy because I just want to be thin dammit. Everything else in life I have ever wanted - I have got, some of those things I have worked damn hard for, but I got them. I worked hard enough. But being thin? you have to be joking. It is the one thing I have worked harder at than anything else. A continuous daily battle. So surely I deserve to be thin? I have put the effort in. It pisses me off that I have tried so hard for so long - and it has never happened. I should stop thinking about it, its making me annoyed. I feel if I ever got to the point of thinness - then I could relax because I had done it. Stupid eh? I always feel that because I have never been underweight I havent tried hard enough. I hate feeling like this. 26 year olds shouldnt be feeling like this. Then I get confused and frightened that maybe I was thin and just didnt realise? I hope not because then the feeling will never stop. I have lost most of my old pictures of myself which has made me upset, but I managed to find a couple of me a year ago. Looking at them - it doesnt look like me. I suppose they dont look like me because I dont look fat in them. I know I have weighed at least 10ibs lighter than in these and I never felt thin then. What if this is never going to end? What if I am never going to be thin enough? I weigh so much more now that I am a million times further away from being thin. It sounds impossible. I am never going to be happy. This is never going to be over.
( Me - when I wasnt as fat as I am now )
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