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[01 Apr 2007|09:34am] |
I apologise so much for not keeping up-to-date with everyone, I realise I am being self-centered and that we are all in the same boat yet I am only thinking of myself. I really hope to get back on top of things so I can try and support you guys for a change.
Anyway, I thought I would tell you what happened last night. I told a friend about almost everything, I didnt intend to, it just happened. She is my self-harmer friend, who has never asked me how I am doing before. I went to a party (under duress of course) and the food was everywhere, I binged in front of everyone - go me! I purged about 3 times (after already b/p 5 times before the party) and I was just exhausted and so pissed off. So when she asked me how I was (in a general sense, not ed related) I just said I could not stop making myself sick. She said 'OMG, you are making yourself sick again? How long for?' I said I had never really stopped. She was shocked because she thought it was something completely in the past. I explained about the bingeing, the purging, the amount I do it, the weight gain and how I hate the way I look. Lots of things. She was very good about it all, but I just cant help but feel I have abused our friendship by subjecting her to that.
It was the first time I have ever spoken about it openly, other times I have only said that I have a history of an ED that isnt a problem anymore. It was weird. I felt relieved, and I know that it may help me change. So, on my way home, I decided to have a 'hopefully this is going to be the last b/p ever' moment; I bought a pack of biscuits, and two bags of chocolate, came home and b/p 4 times and engraved the word 'FAT' on my thigh, then went to bed feeling as if I was about to die. I hurt, inside and out - my head, my muscles, my stomach and throat feel as if they are burning, and my fucking thigh.
Anyway, it is nearly 10am now and I havent b/p yet - so going well, I am not planning to either. I am thinking I need to do liquid only or something, I am not sure what yet. I am concentrating on re-hydrating for now.
Instead of doing eating disorder things, I am going to channel my energy into something more useful. Two things spring to mind. The piano - I need to learn the rest of Beethovens Sonate Pathetique (the first bit is nearly perfected). Concentrate on my portfolio for work, I decided that I may go for the more competative pathways which means I need to look good on paper. I thought I would not be able to do it, but my boss told me that I definitly have the potential, plus, my friend told me that out of the 21 of us with the same job title, I am regarded as the best! Woo-Hoo! OK, I am going to stop bigging myself up now. Im suppose I am just expressing the point that I am not bulimic because things are shitty, I am just making things more shitty by being bulimic.
OK, Finally. I am going to try and get a grip of things, then, I will come back and help you guys out for a change.
xxx
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[01 Apr 2007|09:00pm] |
I never NEVER learn by my mistakes. Maybe I am being too demanding - I dont know. I said in my last post that I told my friend about everything yesterday, and it was all fine, I didnt regret it or anything - HOWEVER; If it had been the other way round, I would have at least sent her a text today telling her 'I hope you are alright, Im glad you told me, yada, yada, yada' but no, nothing, not a squeak and its gone 9pm. I told her I was making myself sick over 10 times a day, so if I was going to fit that many in it makes sense that it would have started earlier in the day than this, hence she should have fucking asked me already to ask how I am. Yesterday I was fucking crying in front of her, and I was saying how I cant stop doing this and I find it degrading and humiliating and that no one else knew. And now, now I feel 1,000 times worse for letting someone in again, and them not giving two fucking shits, not caring. It hurts like a bitch. It has been probably about 7 years since I last spoke to someone about things that I was finding tough, and they screwed my over and I promised myself I would never trust anyone again. Well, I did, Needless to say I have learnt my lesson again, I am more weak than I will ever know. I feel fucking stupid.
Im better off alone.
Friends are for suckers.
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