| Around 67kg? Eeeeeek |
[07 Apr 2013|09:53pm] |
I am so far from being eating disordered right now. But I have turned into a 'normal person'. I have no fear of food and as a result - eating far more often, and far more unhealthier than I should. But I am never binging. Havent been sick for weeks. I just want to be healthy - but finding it so difficult to resist food. Im going to have to do something because I need to lose weight. Im going to try and increase my activity levels some more - as I am currently very lazy.
Otherwise, things going well. Been with the fella over a year. He is perfect for me. He got drunk the other day and told me he is planning to ask me to marry him. Cant wait :)
He knows about the ED - but only superficially. Although he is very supportive - he will not tolerate neediness and attention seeking behavior - which is just bloody brilliant - because it gives me no incentive to slip back into old ways. I have to remain well - and believe I can do so. I cant believe for so many years I thought this ED would be the end of me. *Two fingers up at ED*
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[28 Oct 2012|01:50pm] |
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I hate the cold weather. I think I would find eating healthy so much easier if I lived in a hot country. Anyway, life is still pretty good. Still eating more than I would like - but comfortable with food. Rarely being sick. Not doing much exercise. Things amazing with the fella still. Life is good.
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[28 Aug 2012|06:30pm] |
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Why is eating healthy so damn hard? Well, I suppose technically its not eating unhealthy which I find extremely tough. I try my best to eat healthy (in a sensible way, and not restricting) but I often feel like I need that 'pick me up' during the day - usually chocolate, ice cream, biscuits. Its a bloody pain. I think if I didn't eat these extras - my intake would be just right to lose a few kilos and keep me where I am happy. Can't really complain too much though - things are pretty good overall. I think my problems with food now are normal food problems rather than eating disordered problems.
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[30 Jul 2012|09:34pm] |
So, comfortably not binging and purging. Still occasionally want to over eat or purge - but managing to resist. Probably eating more than I should, and eating out far too much on the weekends. So, I am going to really try and concentrate on eating well mid week. Trying to adopt a more Mediterranean/continental diet. I am not going to count calories or restrict fat, but overall just try and increase my fruit/veg intake and reduce bread/cereal intake. I do feel so much better when I cut out bread/cereal/chocolate etc, I tend to feel full throughout the day and I am less likely to overeat. Will hopefully keep you posted.
Things still going very well with the new man. A little over 6 months. Feel entirely comfortable with him. I have not mentioned anything about the ED, and not sure if I should. I'm not sure he would really get it. Im not actively keeping anything from him - if he asked, I would tell. But I act completely normally now - so he never would ask.
Hope everyone is well. xx
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[05 Jun 2012|07:27pm] |
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It was my birthday 5 days ago and although I did b/p a few times on the day, I made a 'rule' to myself that I can't vomit after from then on. Stuck to that so far, but still early days! I desperately dont want to be bulimic anymore! I shouldnt need to be bulimic. Life is really good now. Things still amazing with the new man (over 4 months now). Work still really hard, but much better than it was. So, lets see....
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| 64.6 |
[07 May 2012|02:48pm] |
Right - after eating very unhealthily yesterday - and after putting quite a lot of weight on recently - I am going to get my ass in gear. I have joined a gym and been today to buy healthy food. This was a picture taken of me last week.
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[06 May 2012|07:12pm] |
Its so quiet here now - its sad. I suppose I'm just updating for myself to be able to look back on.
So, things seem to be going well with the new man still. Its been a little over 3 months. Totally happy with him and is so nice to me. Showers me with complements so I feel quite comfortable with him. I am eating more though - just because when I am with him we tend to eat out or we share cooking. Its broken down a lot of anxieties about the fear of food - but just scared now about gaining weight. I am occasionally sick - but the main problem right now is the fear of weight gain. I don't really want to have to rely on bulimia - but I don't really have time for exercise. I am eating crap today - but hoping tomorrow to have a very healthy day for a change. I really doubt I will be able to do it though - feeling super greedy :/
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| Argh |
[20 Mar 2012|10:07pm] |
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I have just been sick. Not particularly soon after eating either. It had been 79 days without being sick. I have been worried about the amount I have been eating for a while now. I know it must be an abnormal worrying because in those 79 days where I have been feeling like I have been eating an extortionate amount - my weight hasnt changed a great deal. The last couple of weeks I have felt quite stressed with work. Far too much to do and I cant fit it all in. I have had McDonalds everyday for the last 3 days and chocolate most days in work. I am craving food all the time. I think the reason things are so bad this last day or so is just because I am hormonal - new pill and such. I feel much better for being sick though. Just need to make sure it doesnt get too much of a habit. I cant let it interfere with life anymore. It would be devastating if it affected this new relationship. Gotta be sensible.
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[08 Mar 2012|07:00pm] |
Eating has been a little better these last few days. Trying desperately to increase fruit and veg intake - and eat less crap. The former is a little easier than the latter.
So, things with the new guy seem to be going very well, although I must admit I am not very familiar with the dating thing so I could be wrong. But he texts a lot, and says lovely things. He has invited me out with his friends next weekend. A couple of weeks back he asked me if we were in a relationship - which of course I answered yes! I really really like him - I find him super sexy and he is really clever and hard working, which is really important to me. I just hope that he does actually like me as much back. For the first time ever I feel really comfortable making food for him too - which is entirely new. The ED hasnt been mentioned and I dont really think will be mentioned for a while - largely because it isnt really an issue at all right now and I dont feel like I need to talk about it. I am really liking just how innocent the relationship is. The last guy I was seeing very early on told me about his depression and things like that - and it made it really uncomfortable - was way too much too soon. This feels totally right though. I hope it works out!
I will keep you posted anyway!
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[04 Mar 2012|05:06pm] |
I need to be eating more healthily. I am just finding it difficult to get the motivation to do so. I am not binging or purging - but if I carry on eating the way I am the weight will obviously creep up! I am eating too much crap, and snacking far too much rather than eating meals.
Hopefully this week will be easier! Must try harder!
Xx
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| Who knows |
[18 Feb 2012|11:41am] |
Hello all :)
Ok -since last update - I am still doing very well. Havent properley binged, and havent purged since 2012. Woo hoo! Feel far more relaxed around food. I feel like I am eating too much at times - but then for a few days I will just eat a bit less. I feel a lot more comfortable in my own skin now.
Now in my last post I mentioned a guy I had started seeing. He was lovely. But it wasnt long before I realised it wasnt right. I couldnt put my finger on what it was - but I had to finish it. He was one of the nicest guys I had ever met and he has allowed me to feel a lot more positive about myself and helped me to feel that I can be seen as attractive by other people. By doing that he did me the biggest favour imaginable.
Anyway, I have met a new man, and it feels entirely right so far. Still only early days - about a month. But I really like him. I think as I am more comfortable with myself I have also lost that 'needy' streak which the ED brought with it. So, I am not hanging round waiting for him to contact me worrying if he likes me, or overanalysing every message etc. Although I really (really) like him - if he dumped me - I would manage. It feels quite a healthy relationship for me to be in. It will be nice to see how it turns out. I find him soooo sexy!
I suppose that is it for now :)
xxx
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| 61.9 |
[07 Dec 2011|06:22pm] |
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:)
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| Around 63kg-ish |
[06 Dec 2011|11:28pm] |
Well hello all!
I thought I would give a little update. After really struggling for quite a while recently with the way I was feeling and my eating - things have improved a little bit. I have started feeling a bit happier and going out more. I joined weight watchers with a friend and although I am still very much eating-disordered - I am consideribly better :) My weight is starting to come down a little :D I have also kind of started seeing a guy - we get on quite well - I am overly cautious though and really taking it steady - but I will keep you posted.
So, how is everyone else? Fill me in!
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| 65.9 |
[03 Aug 2011|09:27pm] |
Well, as I am spending the evening procrastinating and not feeling too bad - I thought I would do a non-depressing entry here for a change!
Ok - today and yesterday have been great food-wise. I have not binged, purged or even overeaten. I bought a Groupon deal recently for invisible braces for my upper teeth and went for the first assessment on Sunday. The dentist there said I had some holes in my teeth. Pretty sure it must be from all the binging and purging I do. I know my teeth are in a bit of a state - they are so see-through! This however has given me a bit of enthusiasm to try and calm things down. Hopefully this may have a bit of a weight-loss effect too!
I have had a bad hip lately - which has made exercise impossible - I must admit I am a little glad that I have an excuse not to any form of activity! I hate not being fit though - and I despise getting fit too. Once I am fit I dont mind doing exercise though.
Right I am probably rambling too much. Im going to get an early night tonight.
Night everyone. x
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| A nice song :) |
[27 Jul 2011|09:15am] |
Some of you may like this song, its by a British comedian. There is a couple of verses at the end which I am sure we can all relate to - they nearly make me cry sometimes!
Not Perfect by Tim Minchin
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[26 Jul 2011|08:21pm] |
I cant even remember what I updated last, I probably should have checked before I started this. I am pretty sure last time I updated I was finding life pretty unbearable - It was a horrible patch I went through lasting about 18 months. I am a bit better now with regards to how unhappy I was then - but I think thats because I have allowed bulimia back in. The bulimia is certainly not as bad as it has been in the past, and its tolerable at this level - I am b/p only around 4/5 times a day at most, and sometimes going a day or so without doing it at all. My weight has crept up though - which is one of the main areas of distress. My compulsive overeating (or compulsive wanting to overeat) is horrendous. Im still here though, and better than I was, which helps.
I hope you are all well x
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| It just has to be forever! |
[09 Jan 2011|08:19pm] |
Well, I have meant to update so many times but not got round to it - but here goes.
Its officially more than 12 months since I have not been bulimic. Thats a long time. I now have what I would describe as a normal attitude to food. Things arent easy though. For years I thought the only problem in my life was the eating disorder - and stupidly thought that if I got a grip of that then I would be happy. I was so wrong. Im really struggling and I dont know what to do. I now realise that the eating disorder was stopping me feeling any emotion. Now I dont have my crutch - im faced with reality head-on. I am completely isolated. I have no friends, which is something I can reluctantly accept. What upsets me the most is not having a man to love me. That hurts so much. I go shopping and see couples all around me. I see women with wedding rings on or children. I see myself as far less worthy than each one of them - because they have someone and I dont. I am nearly 30 years old, and in this time I have failed to be able to keep anyone interested in me beyond 3 dates. To be fair - most people arent interested to begin with. For the last 10 months I have tried internet dating - and message loads of people, but get very little interest. It reinforces the way I feel about myself. If I was pretty and had a nice figure - then people would be interested, wouldnt they? Even if I was normal-looking people would be interested. There is no way a normal looking 30 year old can get through her life without having anyone interested in wanting to spend time with her. I feel so sad and alone. And I know that bulimia would make me feel better, but I dont want to go back down that route. I am just starting to get scared of how bad I feel at times.
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| 64.3kg |
[07 Sep 2010|03:19pm] |
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This is getting easier. I do feel so much better. I have a much more positive feeling about this than I ever have before. I think I can sustain what I am doing. I dont feel hungry, Im not craving. Im a bit reluctant now to start exercising whem things are ok. I will wait until I am completely stable before I add something else in. G y body used to doing what it is. I just obviously am scared about not losing weight.
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| A little later on... |
[05 Sep 2010|10:17pm] |
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Well its so interesting how the brain works, and I see maybe how aspects of the ED may have started in the past. Early on in the day I worry so much about the sensible restriction, and the thought of not being able to eat exactly what I want, that I am a little scared to eat and meet my planned calories. I spent half the day panicking about not being able to eat - that I end up spending the latter half struggling to try and eat enough. At 8pm I had eaten 600 calories (which I know is not enough) - but I forced myself to eat enough to cross the 1,200cals (Yay hay!) - which resulted me eating far more than I wanted to in one sitting. I need to relax so I can eat more in the daytime. I imagine this will take a bit of time. But I will not eat less than 1,200cals, even if I have to eat lard to get there - I can not and will not end up restricting again. I do still feel better and healthier today - and my stomach is flattening out :) Im still not doing any exercise though :( Ill get there - best to concentrate on eating first. I wish I knew what weight I should aim for, I wouuld like to comfortably be in the fifty somethings (higher end) 56kgs would be pretty awesome - BMI of 20. I would like that. Im rambling - helps me understand things though!
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| 65.3kg |
[05 Sep 2010|09:51am] |
As usual weight gone down quite a bit because its the first day.
I am getting really worried about not being able to eat what I want :(
This has to get better, right?
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