| 64.6. Meal Plan Day 4. |
[15 May 2008|06:21am] |
I am unsure about yesterday. I think I did OK - but I am not sure. I have 2 different parts of my brain trying to bash out on whether I screwed up or not. For the last few days I dont feel I have been eating enough, I feel knackered and I lie awake all night, so yesterday I upped my intake a little bit no binges, no overdoing it. I eaten 7 chips and 1/12 of a beef burger, I also converted the soup to a yoghurt - Thats not a lot, but it still wasnt on my meal plan - but I felt so amazing afterwards, and I slept all last night. I dont want it to be a bad thing - but I just cant work out if it is or not. The eating disordered part of my brain is telling me I failed and I am greedy. I suppose I would just like some objective views on if that is ok or not. I still lost weight so I suppose that it doesnt really matter at the end of the day :S I just need to know if I can give myself a point for the day!
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| 65.2. Meal Plan Day 3. |
[14 May 2008|06:31am] |
This is suprisingly a very good thing for me. I am doing very well. I know it has only been 2 whole days - and its still very much a novelty - but right this moment - its working. Its easy in work though - real challange is going to be the weekend :S
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| 65.7. Meal Plan Day 2. 1 Point. |
[13 May 2008|06:32am] |
Yesterday was ok. I am hoping for equal success today! Will update properly later in day.
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| 67kg. Day 1 Meal Plan. 2 points. |
[12 May 2008|07:48pm] |
First day is going ok. It is suprisingly easier not getting excited about things. I didnt pick at anything at work today. Didnt feel particularly hungry which is good.
Contemplating some good old exercise now!
EDIT:
Just went for 2 mile walk, not much - but exercise nonetheless. Legs hurting too much to run after doing loads over weekend. I know I am not eating enough to carry out hardcore exercise routine.
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| My first serious meal plan. Starts tomorrow. |
[11 May 2008|04:22pm] |
Right, I mean business!! Gotta sort all this stuff out - there is just no sense in the way I eat. Its far too chaotic - I am not living life right now - I am just being messed up. I have devised a meal plan to sort out my diet. I am going to eat the same thing everyday - I want to take the excitement out of eating, I want it to be boring so I dont spend every waking minute thinking of food. I am hoping once I get used to it I will be able to live a little.
It should probably be more calories - but right now I dont think thats a good idea, if its anymore I feel I am likely to end up purging. Its what I have to do right now anyway.
7.30 - porridge - 153
10.00 - snack - 100
13.00 - Pasta - 250
17.00 - snack - 80
17.30 - pineapple, mango and blueberries - 153
19.00 - stirfry (80) and peppered quorn fillets (108) - 188
21.00 - soup - 82
Total - 1006 cals.
Every other day I can have a portion of rice pudding (either weight watchers 108 or muller rice small 164, normal 220).
After 7 days of sticking to it I will consider changing it for some variety.
Supplements will include: Vit B, Omacor, Gingko Biloba and Osteocare.
I will get one point for each day I adhere to meal plan and 1 point for any exercise. 3 points will be deducted if I purge. If I get 15 points my reward will be a coffee machine, 30 points for hair straighteners!!!!
This better work........
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[02 May 2008|10:02pm] |
Hey guys. I am becoming a right slacker when it comes to updating/checking whats been happening. I have been doing badly - but I have suddenly become enthused to be better. Someone I kinda know died today semi-unexpectidly. I always feel tremendous guilt when people become ill or die. Here I am making myself very ill - yet so many people dont have the option, they have their life snatched away. I do it to myself - thats fucked up. Its not about being thin - because behaving the way I do clearly doesnt work.
So, today has been ok. I am managing very well during the daytimes to not b/p - its just when I come home that starts the problem. I have so much stuff to do though - so it should be easy to keep myself occupied.
I have horrible dandruff which persists despite copious amounts of head and shoulders - but I read the other day that it can be caused by both vitamin B and omega 3 deficiencies - so I am taking supplements. Will let you know if it helps.
I hope everyone else is well - when I get completely back on track I will certainly catch up with what has been happening.
Take care everyone.
xxx
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[20 Apr 2008|09:50pm] |
Last 2 days have been a lot better. Not eating perfectly - but not binging or purging. I even made myself a meal today.
I am amazed by the news today - John Prescott admitted he was bulimic (the ex-deputy prime minister). Its pretty awesome I reckon that he had the guts to do that.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/7357008.stm
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| Long time no update |
[14 Apr 2008|08:56pm] |
Wow - It has been like FOREVER since I updated!
The reason why you ask! I have been doing very badly and I would just drag everyone down. I dont know what I can do though. I have been restricting a lot and purging several times most days, also the occasional big binge/purge. Of course, I havent lost any weight from it all so I am feeling very disheartened. I cant cope with this - I just want to be better.
What the hell am I going to do?
I am an intellegent 26 years old with everything in my favour, yet I insist on screwing up literally everything by allowing this eating disorder to control me.
This is going to kill me - I know that and I have for some time. There is no way I can behave the way I am and stay healthy. I dont have the energy to fight this anymore. I surrender, I hope it realises it has won and leaves me alone.
Limitless undying love which shines around me like a million suns and calls me on and on across the universe.
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[11 Mar 2008|10:09pm] |
I have had another little fuck-up today. Just had 3 or 4 little b/p. I had been doing so well so I know I can do this. Sometimes I think I am beginning to fuck up again because it isnt that much of a challange anymore, I know I can not be bulimic, but ?maybe I want to be? Realistically, I know I dont reallly want to be bulimic, but I feel so attached to this disorder its hard to let go in the long term.
I know I am unwell. I also know I have been a lot worse than I am right now (both mentally and physically). There more I think about all this, the more I want help. I just dont really know if it would do anything. I dont think I do this because of any deep unsolved problems. I also dont want to be happy with the way I look at this weight. Bollocks. End of the day I just want to be thin - thats all. Its not too much to ask.
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[10 Mar 2008|10:39pm] |
I did stupidly today.
How the fuck did I used to be so scared of food? Now I am so scared of not eating, or rather, just so damn greedy I dont care what I am eating.
I feel awful because I want that fear of food back. Its so much easier to struggle to eat compared with struggling to not eat too much or not eat too little. Trying to be normal sucks.
I realised today I have 2 different types of purges, one to get rid of the horrifically bulimic binge, and the other, a desperate attempt to lose weight after I have eaten something small and kind of healthy. I am doing more of the latter recently with a bit of the former thrown in today for good measure. Unfortunately, or fortunately, neither type of purge actually helps with weight loss - so its pretty pointless for me to put myself through the ordeal.
I need to start my liquid diet again. Food for me right now is bad. I am suprisingly happy with calories though. I realise the previous restrictions to less than 500cals for months was seriously fucking retarded. I am left with the metabolism of a hypothyroid snail and the inability to lose weight.
Liquid diet (milk, soup and the beloved hot chocolate) and Exercise :(
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[05 Mar 2008|10:26pm] |
I have just spent about £20 on food and c/s it all. I need to work out why I am so messed up!!!
I seriously had everything I ever needed, I was never abused or neglected - why should I be like this?
I know that I am not going to go for therapy/counselling unfortunately, but I am going to try and explore problems myself. I remember  ohaiyogozaimasu started writing about things that had happened in the past and thought it was a good idea - so I will give it a go.
I am going to talk about things which may have an effect on how I feel now - but are probably not really major problems. I am going to trying and express how I feel too. So, I apologise if I start to sound weird over the next few posts! I promise I am ok before I start!
Will start tomorrow!
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| Where I am at right now.... |
[24 Feb 2008|04:38pm] |
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As time goes on this just gets more difficult, being normal is hard work. I am going through a little messed up stage these last couple of days, because I have been quite stressed and had a row with family. I b/p on the 22nd Feb, before that I had been free from Jan 1st. There was no real reason, I just went into auto pilot and did it. The capacity my stomach can hold is a lot smaller now, I have been on a mainly liquid diet, so the binge was not too horrendous, just a pack of cookies and some chocolate. The vomiting was horrendous. I have eaten too much the last couple of days too. Anyway, sometimes you have to go a few steps back just to remind you how important it is to carry on forward. Tomorrow I am starting liquids only again - in a desperate attempt not to get in the cycle and to *hopefully* lose weight.
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[08 Feb 2008|07:58pm] |
Well, things are going - ok? I think?
For a few days now I have completely changed my diet. I was certainly eating 'normally' before - but normal doesnt get you thin. Also, as time goes on I realise how petrified I am of getting sucked into heavily restricting. I decided to try a mainly liquid diet, and not concentrate so much on actual calories. So I am basically relying on milk in LARGE quantities, also the occasional hot chocolate and also small pieces of solid food now and again - such as dried apricots, natural yoghurt and toast. I must admit - it kind of feels good. It doesnt leave you totally drained like when you starve. I am not really eating - but I can still function - its like a dream come true!! Well, sort of. I know it cant last forever. I just want to lose a few kilos then will start eating food again. My initial goal is 60kgs.
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[03 Feb 2008|07:06pm] |
I truly have no idea how I am doing. I am not bingeing or purgeing - so thats the main thing. However, I am becoming truly absorbed with the idea of losing weight fast, it scares me a little. I am finding it increasingly difficult to eat, and when I do force myself eat, I continuously think of purgeing. I have started to c/s quite a bit.
I keep trying to remind myself how dangerous it is to restrict heavily and mainly the part about it not really making you lose that much weight. I need to be thin so desperately I have no idea what to do. At least I need to lose 10kgs - thats a lot. Previously I have lost around 23kgs - so I know it is possible, but now my metabolism is super-fucked. Bollocks - I hate this. I just cant work out how to do it. I am going the gym 3 times a week now - so that should make things easier - but I want it now!
The funny thing is, is now I am not bulimic I am finding it so much more mentally distressing. Thats what pisses me off about definitions of EDs. They really mean jack shit. What is really sad is I would happily swap to being heavily bulimic if it meant I could lose this weight. I keep thinking what if I just purge and never binge - but it ends up spiralling out of control and then I will be b/p several times a day, and then the weight will increase.
I shall just keep on going.
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[02 Feb 2008|04:04pm] |
I dont know if any of you have seen these pics of posh - but I truly have no idea what is going on. I would be really shocked to find she has actually put that much weight on - especially with the tour. Maybe its just really badly fitted or padded?? I dont know, I have been trying to work it out for the last hour. Dont get me wrong - I think it is fantastic if she has put on weight, I just cant quite believe it.
See what you think
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[30 Jan 2008|08:31pm] |
Things are not going brilliantly right now. I am so stupidly hormonal - which I am sure isnt helping. I am really getting to desperation point with my size right now - I hate the way I look. I am constantly aware of feeling overweight, I know others dont view me as thin. It all hurts way too much.
I am also having to deal with my emotions which is hard as fuck. B/P was physically draining, but not B/P is so mentally draining.
Yesterday I bought binge food and chew/spat, but swallowed some. I desperately wanted to vomit afterwards but managed not to - that part I am very pleased about.
I am finding work particularly stressful and triggering. Its a very quiet department with not much to do, apart from look at the suprisingly high number of staff who very evidently have eating disorders. Basically I just have my face rubbed in to the fact that I am not thin, and everyone else is. I have 2 months left here - its too much.
I really cant go on like this for the rest of my life. Why the fuck cant I just lose weight? Its something I want so badly - but I just cant do it. I am screwed. It is all my own doing - I know - I just have no way out.
Its all hopeless.
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[28 Jan 2008|05:54pm] |
Well, I really dont think the JUDDD diet is for me. I started it ok - but I soon noticed that on the first down day I was becoming very neurotic about calories, safe foods and weight; reminding me of what it was like when I used to always restrict. Im kinda glad, but shocked, I recognised that wasnt a behaviour that I want to adopt. I think I always superficially want to be able to hardcore restrict again - but I am obviously scared of it; its just so addictive, painful and isolating - I dont want to be lost in it again. So I ended up eating in the evening and broke the 400cal limit. I am so suprised it has messed up today as well, which is the main reason I have realised its not really worth it right now. I have eaten badly today, no meals just continuous snacks to keep me going - because thats all I feel like. In myself I feel like shit, I feel cold and miserable. I feel really low, I am not thinking about b/p but more about cutting - which is really odd (as its really not my thing), needless to say, I just feel very negative about myself. I am also stupidly paranoid - which I never normally feel like. An old work collegue is leaving from a department I used to work in, there is a leaving meal tonight - I dont know if I should go or not. I am concerned about eating (and more importantly not wanting to purge) and I am just so fat I will never find anything to wear that I will be comfortable in.
Anyway, on a more positive note, I went to the gym today. I also dont think I am going to continue JUDDD - because of the shitness I feel right now, I might have felt it anyway - but who knows - I cant afford to mess this up.
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[26 Jan 2008|06:20pm] |
Johnson Upday Downday diet. I know its probably not a great idea to do this - but I am really getting desperate now. I have a feeling this could potentially work. I am away from bulimia right now, and I am away from slipping back into it. I think continuous restriction no matter how small may set the binge/purge desire off. I think if I just have to restrict one day, whilst being able to eat almost what I want the next day might just work.
I am also going to start exercising properly tomorrow.
Upday: 2000cals
Downday: 400cals
For my downday, which is tomorrow! I am going to mainly have V8 juice, cucumber and tomatoes. A whole carton of V8 is 190cals - so I could have 1.5 and the rest with bits of fruit and veg. Maybe no coffee this day too, that will be tough though - I am so horrendously addicted.
Its also the gym or 30minute exercise three times a week - come hell or high water. Light exercise at least everyday when I wake up even if its only a couple of hundred crunches.
I might also try and go out more, maybe if I set a goal of at least once a month? This is not set in stone though -its the one I am most likely to fuck up on! I do need to get a life though.
I am also going to pay more attention to my skin. I am screwing it up so badly by my diet and picking it. So, less picking and taking care of it.
So lots of new things I am attempting to do. May either work - or not. Anyway - I feel its better than Atkins or Weight Watchers.
I will weigh myself officially once a week. I must lose this crap now - my ass is huge and I cant fit into my clothes anymore.
Wish me luck.
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[25 Jan 2008|08:05am] |
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Please dont make me go to work :(
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[24 Jan 2008|09:00pm] |
I have just broken my favourite coffee mug!!!! I am heart-broken. It said on it "Fridge Pickers Wear Big Knickers", it always used to make me smile.
I have been shopping and bought a new pillow, come hell or high water I am going to sleep tonight. I am just so tired and have had raging insomnia lately - I have restocked today on herbal sleeping tablets, I have found a brand that work amazingly.
Also, my skin is like shit lately. I have so many spots you wouldnt believe. Which I thought would clear now my behaviour is a little better, because it always has in the past.
Food still alright. Not healthy enough though yet. I am really wondering about this upday downday diet thing, has anyone tried it? I may give it a go, I need to think a bit more about it first though.
I really need to start exercising too. I pay gym membership and havent been for months. Next week I will start going again.
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