this is amazing   
10:47pm 08/10/2003
mood: excited
music: brand new- jaws theme swimming
tonight was awesome. i went to mr feldmets ETHICS IN HOLLYWOOD lecture thing and it was so great. he had three poeple speak, two poly alums and a poly parent. one of the guys is a producer at cbs and hes responsible for liek survivor, big brother, the amazing race...all that crap...he was kind of annoying. jane whitford spoke, the mom on malcom in the middle and she was awesome because she said stuff taht you would never expect someone like her to say...shes this big celebrity, married to the guy on the west wing, and all she could talk about was shutting off your tv and making some kind of difference in teh wrold. i loved how she said that she uses her "celebrity" to amke a difference, thats awesome. it was funny though because she was so vehement and like totally smacked down everything the cbs guy said. awesome. but the most interesting part was when god dman i forget his name. ugh hes the producer of matchstick men, the core, push nevada, etc. awesome guy. what he spoke about was interesting, but not exactly what i was interested in considerign the whole thing was about ethics cuz it was for the ethics calss...court and i were the only ppl not from the class there besides all the adults, that was pretty cool. but so after it was over i went and talked to this guy cuz i wanted to know hwat is major was in college. lol psycology. ha who knew? not me. he actaully never studied film in school, which is awesome cuz hes this totally successful guy. i mean he just produced a ridley scott film. yea, awesome, i know. but yea so i asked him how you go about like actually getting into the businessa nd he told me how he was lucky because he had a job in product placement so he got to go to sets all the time. but the coolest hting he told me was that he decided that he didnt wanna be the persn getting everyone their coffee so he decided to just take initiative. he raised money wiht his partners (oh yea his partners are only ben affleck and matt damon ha) and he just made his own show. taht way if ppl told him that he couldnt do something he could prove them wrong. he just gave the tape to everyone he knew and some guy at disney gave hima job. awesome. ive always known that this was kind of what i wanted to do but i always felt that ididnt know that much about the business. but tonight just talking to this guy it was like totally clear, what he does is exactly whta i want to do. and even though usc isnt myfirst choice for college i really think that split major program they have would be perfect. ugh it just feels so good. to kind of know what i wanna do. you dont really realize how awesome some sort of direction feels until you have it. it rocks. and like all i wanna do now is read as much i can about the business and the program at SC and like go see more ppl speak who are in the business, i wanna know everyhitng. man this is awesome. alright i gotta calm down so i can do my damn math hw and oh yea, revise the english paper that i dont have saved on my comp. oh no yea its on one of the like 20 lap tops in teh library and i ahve to go to school tomorrow and find the one taht i used today, oh yes fun i know. alright . peace out kids
feelin better   
07:11pm 07/10/2003
mood: content
music: ben harper- touch from your lust
mini breakdown last night. that was fun. dont really know what happened. well, i lied, i do know what happened its just hard to l ike formulate coherent sentences about how i was feeling. it was just all the different stresses in my life coming to a head. school, SATs, soccer, know the deal. wiht school its just like this yaer has hit me really hard. i knew it was gnona be hard but it all kinda took me by surprise. im getting used to it buts its gonna be hard having every class matter when im used to having a at least two classes that i can sort of bullshit my way through. and then will all this ivy west junk on top of doesnt help. and yesterday was bad because it was my last little session thing wiht my math tutor and she was like getting my all freaked out. oh yes and soccer just wasnt going well in any way shape or form. im not playing, it seemed like my coach hated me and megan and shannon are his new favorite players and they play all the time...ugh. but thats all better it hink because i wrote him an email last night telling him how i felt and practice tonight went really really well. i was just working hard and he kept telling me i was doin good and then we scrimmaged the 17s and everyone was liek "hannes you ahve to play beth at center mid.." and he said i would prolly start next game. yay. oh and then friends, wow friends. im kind of confused about my friends right now. its like i have all these "friends" and there are only a handful that are true. there are a buncht aht like i love at times and then wow it just totally turns around sometimes. but i guess thats normal right? i know ppl dont like me all the time. you get the bad witht he good i guess. but i was just talkin to winnie and i always feel like such a hypocrit because like i consider him a friend but he hates the people i hang out wiht and its just hard. i sat with him at lunch today and it was really fun. anywho, winnie and i didnt really finish our conversation because that was about the time i was starting to lose it and started sobbing and it just wasnt really an online kind of convo. thank god for vivi though. to echo what she said, im so lucky to have an "outside" friend like her. i think its the friends i have outside of school that save me. like her and now katie. it makes you try harder at the relationship. i think i take my school friends for granted. we dont feel that we have to be as niec to each other maybe? i dunno. it just makes you value the freindship a lot more. im lucky to have met her. but yea she helped me calm down a little last night. she told me she had tons of the same kind of freak outs last year and she siad that the beginning of jr yr is the worst and it gets better. that helped. and she also gave me her three miracle medicines for when you're feeling ramen, a little tbs, and your dog. no ramen in the house but i had my new puppy who is the love of my life and music helps everything. so yay, cried for a year in the shower then just blew off all my shit and went to bed. logged a good nine hours which was AMAZING. like i said, sleep is one of the things i value most in life and that will never change, along with friends and family and health and all that jazz. but yea so today was good, got 100 on my span quiz yea go me. so bottom line, (ugh i sound like the santochi)- im feelin a lot better today. kiley calling and all the messages online last night also helped a lot. thanks guys. so yea, im predicting the day is about to go downhill cuz of all the shit i have to do, buy gilmore girls and one tree hill are one so it all might just have to wait. ha. k, gotta go get my lab on wiht annnnnna, oh man how i love bio. peace
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its going to be a long year..   
07:00pm 06/10/2003
mood: distressed
music: sublime- crazy fool
school is a lot different this year, and its not fun. all my classes matter which ups the stress level about a million points and i never have any time to do anything anymore. like, ive thought that school ran my life for all five years that ive been at good 'ole poly, but i dont know what i was thinking. school is by far the one thing that determines every single thing in my life right now. i used to be able to stress at you know the designated time- during class and some week nights - and then kind of put my work in the back of my mind when i went out or played soccer, i could release myself and i didnt realize how important that release is until now. as of right now, i could not escape my school work if i tried. i cant help it but its the one thing that i am thinking about constantly and its getting to me in only like what, the fourth week of school or soemthing? id ont know. i dont know anything anymore. ica nt get that release anymore. i now have tio plan my weekend activities around my hw. when i have a history test i have to stay home fri night and do all my other hw and then sometimes i can go out sat and then sunday i have soccer for half the day and then the rest of the day and night and early morning is studying. but i think about sunday all through the weekend. i think about it when im out sat night and during soccer on sunday...which makes what used to be fun not fun anymore, cuz all i do is think about school and whats next and whats due when. as john holman said today, it never ends. you never get a break, no slack, you finish something and get to feel a sense of accomplishment for about 2.5 seconds before you have to start something else thats due like next period. you wouldnt know that i have 2 hours of free time almost every day of the week. i mean it would be different if i could do al lmy hw at night but i need to sleep and eat and excersize right? theres just not enough time. ever. and its so fucking frustrating. you always here oh it gets better, college will be easier, but to tell you the truth, im so ready to be done wiht it all. imean , yea im excited to like live the college life and have the experience but i have hadmy fill of school, im so over it. oh yea and lets not forget psats and ivy west and all that shit on top of everything. i think thsi bad mood that im experiencing at the moment is a result of my ivy west session today. i not really up to date on my diagnostics but i though i coudl just finish them this week cuz i thought there was only one packet but then my lady tells me there are like 4 packets and tehy should have been done a few weeks ago. well yea, tahnks for informing me. bitch. it makes me so angry that one of the main factors that determines where we will go to school is based on some stupid lame test wiht the fucking math that was the bane of my existence in fucking middle school. its so lame. i would do better if it were calculus. ugh i have to go socialize with my family...sorry for the bitchfest. peace.
what a night   
03:02pm 05/10/2003
mood: frustrated
music: radiohead- there there
ok so last night was prolly the most eventful night ive had a good while. todd was having his ROCKIN party so we decided we would head over there and see what was goin on. court andi went to annas and then we went to pick up the infamous katie moore. it was only like 9 and we heard that like 4 people were at todds so we drove around and got some grub. then since the word was still that todds wasnt jumpin, we decided to drive by and see what the deal was considering the party was supposed to be fairly big. ha yes well that was when things got interesting. we are driving on todds street searching in the dark for his house when i see nicks car. we decide to say hi so we pull up next to them and court rolls down her window. as shes talking on of them chiucks a water balloon right throught the window, hitting court in the face and then landing in annas lap, thank god it didnt break or there would ahve been major unecessary drama. now, mind you, katie andi were sitting in the back so we found this whole episode quite amusing because we were not really reachable ( is that a word) so anna speeds away and they fucking follolw us and we're going like 80 and it was like a fucking horror movie, imean we kenw it was them but it was just scary shit, speshally since we were in courts explorer so we felt like we were about to roll over on every turn, oh yea fun. so the proceed to nail our car numerous times and they kept tryingn to convince us that they had run out of balloons and anna believes them abnd rolls down her windown and they get one all over the car, you can imagine how that went over in the front seat, yea not pleasant. but it was cool cuz court nailed winnie with her cup of dr pepper which was quite amusing, although idid feel bad cuz he was all sticky. yea so after the whole water ballooning thing lost its appeal we decided to head over to todds to see if the situation had improved. we go in and its like normal poly poeple and then a group of poeple i have never seen before, kinda wierd, but whatever todd had beer. so katie andi each take two and the night began, haha. btu the real drama happened wiht brett. when we got there he was already completely hammered and at first it was all cute and funny cuz he couldnt balance and was sluring his words and him and tim were being all nice to us whihc was goodfor a change. but then it wasnt so funny when brett turns around and fucking punches one of todds windows through...yea, not cool. todd understandably starts flipping out cuz he was paranoid about having ppl over in the first place. i dont know what got into brett but there isnt really an excuse for what he did. i realize that now lookin gbak on it but when it happened we were looking out for hinm to make sure no one beat the shit out of him for what he did. todds "security" john was all up in his face so we just rushed him out. todd alreayd thought the cops were on there way soe veryone started to laeve. i fel really bad for todd cuz on top of getting a window smashed, john, iggy, and some other guys let out 250 crickets and 2 mice into his parents bedroom and egged all his windows on one side of his house, which i think is so messed up, hes just gonna get in so much shit for it. btu anyways, everyones freaking otu, annas crying cuz she thinks brett has cut his wrist and we're all trying to get him to calm down so we can see how badhis hand is. turns out he only had a cut on his arm and a few on ghis fingers. so court busts out her doctor skills and ties up his arm but it was erally difficult cuz he was really not cooperating, alol he cared about was making sure todd knew that he was gonn apay for the window, but that was kinda hard cuz todd comes running otu into the front yard wihta ucking baseball bat whihc was jsut unecessary cuz it pissed us all off. but yea so we get brett into kellys car which he ended up puking in i here and inform kelly to make sure he doensnt bleed all over her moms benz, yea that would have not been good so he just puked in it insead, good stuff. so we leave in courts car and meet up wiht the waterballoonibng guys and tell them everything and of course they ahve no sympathy, and understandably so considering how mch of an asshole brett is to them. its hard because i felt bad for brett but i aslo agree wiht winnie. i dunno, im kinda torn btw friends right now and i dont know if winnie thinks less of m ebecause i hang out wiht that crowd, whatever im gonna have to ask him. so we go and waterballoon some more adn then pick up my car and winnie drove me home in it cuz he wanted to racei t or somethingid unno, but yea it was an interesting night to say the least.. iw anted to hook up wiht phillip but hey what else is new. igotta go fukcin cram for my damn history test tomorrow, god damn AP. so peace
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10:32pm 03/10/2003
mood: busy
music: the used- blue and yellow
first entry. wow. dont have time to write but the blank page and 0 entries was lookin a lil sad