Fallenshadows' Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar] Fallenshadows counting since november 13, 2003 [ website | Breaking the habit ] [ userinfo | blurty userinfo ] [ calendar | blurty calendar ]

[01 Nov 2005|11:43pm] Still alive still here still living each day in total hell but im still around want to chase my shadow?

[17 May 2005|12:32am] DOnt worry all Ill be out of your hair friday for maybe ever. want to chase my shadow?

[11 Mar 2005|10:23pm] This will be my last public entry. For the sake of my privacy. And Overy if you read this I hope you get the point and I just am going to make this clear. You broke my heart, I do not want anything to do with you ever again, keep your nose out of mu business and leave me the hell alone. Thank you and have a nice day :) ok and now on to other business (ill put a privatr post up in a bit with an update about me.) want to chase my shadow?

[04 Mar 2005|12:13am] A certain ex of mine, if you are reading this go to hell this is my journal. No offense but I never looked into your privacy so bugger off. so yeah I havnt updated in a bit, well yeah because peopel have been reading this that shouldnt be, along with my lj, adn website, so err yeah I can put half the shit I want to in here because peopel are nozey. I still remember the world From the eyes of a child Slowly those feelings Were clouded by what I know now Where has my heart gone An uneven trade for the real world I want to go back to Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all I still remember the sun Always warm on my back Somehow it seems colder now Where has my heart gone Trapped in the eyes of a stranger I want to go back to Believing in everything [Latin hymn] Where has my heart gone An uneven trade for the real world I want to go back to Believing in everything Away Where has my heart gone Trapped in the eyes of a stranger I want to go back to Believing in everything I still remember.. 6 took a chance| want to chase my shadow?

[23 Feb 2005|01:00am] What would you do if it was you? If you had nobody left to turn to that you picked up the razor as a last resort and tried to cut your life so very short What would you have to say if you were hidden in your room night and day with tearstreamed cheeks feeling ever so weak How would you explain it to your few presious friends the power that this ever so sharp blade lends the feel of that blade as you run it down your arm with all that malicios intent to harm think about what you would do if a friend pulled up his sleave and showed you that his life of pain was ever so real that he is stuck in pain, the only thing he can feel would you stand strong and help him through and offer your shoulder ro lean onto or walk away and leave him to pain and hand him back the razor so he can mame hoping hating things I cant change waiting alone I cant bare this what did I really expect I thought I saw something in you eyes all it was was deciet and more lies turned to myself and felt myself die now its been so long so long since I could feel alive inside now im in so much pain that all of this seems liek a nightmare It is such a struggle latly to not pull that blade up adn cut myself to shrds. Its been pure hell. Fucked uppretty good the other night and Ill be payin for that probly for a month or two till its healed. but thats been it. I feel like Im rolling down the groves on the hos path. trying to kick myself outta this path. Im slipping and Im trying my best not too. hipocrit I am. blew off my therapist today, well she new I wasnt going back anyways. She thinks Im fine so not liek she can help me any anyways, also dont have the cash to pay for it adn it doesnt look like Ill have insurance for at leaste another month, so that means Ive gotta make it till then. GFetting turned down from quite a few jobs. Cant prove any recent jobbs because I was in college, and cant tell them why (cause I was in the hos) cause then they wouldnthire a lunatic. dammed if I do dammed if I dont. lol but all together I am not well but hanging in there. 1 took a chance| want to chase my shadow?

[18 Feb 2005|01:08am] Talkin with people that think suicide is cool bothers me, or those that sort of say thay are going to do it but never will. Ive been so close to dead. Came back to me, a thought triggered by something on tv. I remember feeling woozy, too many pills that night chased by whiskey. I remember a razr, putting it to my wrist, pulling it accross. I was startled, it wasnt wha tI thought, wasnt flowing, it actually was squirting a little. slit my other wrist but not as deep, it was bleeding too. Sitting alone in my tent fucked up out of my mind. I remember so much blood, so very much, I was real woozy now. was getting scared. Flashbacks, weird ones, the rape at 10. My first fish a first friend, his suicide. I rememberd gettign a bee sting. falling through the dock at age 9. Really light headed then was confused couldnt concentrate. thoughts were more and more irrational. remembered the thought that I was dieing alone, grabbed a sweatshirt and wrapped it around the raally bad wrist wrapping it tight, didnt know why I did it I just was doing it (maybe was so used to doing that from SIing and I did it subconsiously?) I blacked out..... Woke up the next afternoon soo woozy and weak, confused, stuck to the tent floor from dried blood, a seering pain from my wrists, looked down didnt even have the words or mental power at that point to grasp what I had done, I blacked out again woke up to my cell phone going off, was mom and dad seeign how my camping trip alone was going, told them it was great. I dont htink peopel understand how scary it is, to actually know, to think it was your last breath pnly to wake up the next day. they take it so lightly, like oh yeah I tried to kill myself last night I took (number edited) Ibuprofin. Meh better them be ignorant that that wont do a damb thing except maybe give them a minor stomach ache. meh so yeah wont have insurance for 2 more months which means no meds, no sleepin meds is gonna be insane, went to try to get soem today to see how much it was without an insurance plan, $200 god I dont even have nearly that much so Ill have to deal with no sleep. Got turned down from more jobs this week I just dunno what to do anymore, help is not a possiblity right now so please dont say I need to get some because quite honestly I cant afford any. 2 took a chance| want to chase my shadow?

[01 Feb 2005|02:27am] forget about me Im not worth your time Im as good as dead 9 took a chance| want to chase my shadow?

[12 Jan 2005|10:17am] Missing: Please, please forgive me But I won't be home again Maybe someday you'll look up And barely concious you'll say to no one Isn?t something missing You won't cry for my absence, I know You forgot me long ago Am I that unimportant? Am I so insignificant? Isn?t someone missing me? Even though I?m the sacrifice You won't try for me, not now Though I?d die to know you loved me I?m all alone Isn?t someone missing me? Please, please forgive me But I won?t be home again I know what you do to yourself I breathe deep and cry out Isn?t something missing Even though I?m the sacrifice You won't try for me, not now Though I?d die to know you loved me I?m all alone Isn?t someone missing me? 2 took a chance| want to chase my shadow?

[03 Jan 2005|12:01am] uh yeah I havnt posted in a while so uh post. me- eh Ive been better life - its a bitch I just have to learn to live with it cuts - none of yer business 1 took a chance| want to chase my shadow?

[22 Dec 2004|11:49am] snippet time... You hold the answers deep within your own mind. Consciously, you've forgotten it. That's the way the human mind works. Whenever something is too unpleasant, to shameful for us to entertain, we reject it. We erase it from our memories. But the answer is always there." I still remember the world From the eyes of a child Slowly those feelings Were clouded by what I know now Where has my heart gone An uneven trade for the real world I want to go back to Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all i linger in the doorway of alarm clock screaming monsters calling my name let me stay where the wind will whisper to me where the raindrops as they're falling tell a story I hold my breath as this life starts to take its toll I hide behind a smile as this perfect plan unfolds But oh, God, I feel I've been lied to Lost all faith in the things I have achieved 4 took a chance| want to chase my shadow?

[11 Dec 2004|10:17pm] Im tired of it, as soon as people get better or start to feel better its like Im no use to them anymore, infact they want nothing to do with me anymore. Its fucking annoying, Im just a tool for them, somehting that helps them when they need it but I can be disregarded when not wanted. Im tired of feeling this way. Im tired of wanting to not wake up every single morning, Im tired of just not wanting to live, of feeling depression. But you know what? FRom over 12 years fo it my life has grown around it, like two vines that have grown intertangled. When I find help again and we start to unravel the two from eachother it will destroy me, ill have no suport, ill crumble adn ill fall, I do not look forward to that but it will have to be done. Im tired of having over 200 people on my buddy list but never talking to anyone. Tired of having no friends, tired of being myself. I just dont want to fight it anymroe I want to just let it consume me and its been hard for me not to let that happen. everything has been going wrong for me. Nobody can understand me thats why I never really bother to talk about myself to peopel anymore, nobody can help me anyways even if peopel would listen to me. hell half the time I jsut dont give them a chance to ask about me. Nobody wants to hear my shit, nobody wants to hear that I never have a good day anymore or how many times I took the razor or scalpel to my arm or leg, or how many pills I took . Im htinking that I should just disapear. I belong in a hospital but even their I am ridiculed by the stakk for my scars. I just dont care anymore 1 took a chance| want to chase my shadow?

[06 Dec 2004|11:49pm] My hell My inner spirit You want to know I will hauk it up from my darkest relms and spit it in front of you this seething mass that destroys my inside this withering blight of depression a masocistic enfatuation with disecting my soul I will split my soul open and bleed it out for you sever myself from my dieing heart destroying my only chance to gain what is right destroy desecate adn alterate this hell I call life a painful excistense seething with unfathomable torture a writhing status of stasis in eternal suicide Everyday I fall apart, another peice collapses this opaque shell giving way bit by bit crumbling under the pressure of a razor mind looses focus like bluring eyes on the pale edge of death head throbbing like a stabbing concusion this pain, excrutiating debilitating hell engulfs me sucking out what little hope of serenity I have I succome to this unspeakable horror and fall under its weight chase it away with a bottle of asprin adn a chug of whiskey split my arm open and let it all drain away drift away into madness falling into myself once more never knowing what this life was ever really for want to chase my shadow?

[28 Nov 2004|12:27pm] blood on paper and ink in my skin trying to feel but Im dieing to win tears in the dirt and mud in my eye so much pain and no real reason why metal in my flesh and ice in my heart trying to explain but have nowhere to start fighting the battle that cant be one walking forever horrified by what Ive doen Lost in darknes I start to fear all this sorrow is suddenly so clear pain that stays adn a blade in my hand another cut another day bowed to this eary demand dancing with suicide on deaths dark step flirting with pain when I haev nothing left to gain In my teary eyes I see through life's lies with a heartful of pain adn a knife with which to main I clutch my wristnow realising I wont be mised letting go I let all this blood flow twirl one last time in lifes true lies falling to the floor, letting go of my disguise my time had come to say goodbye but on my devilds wings adn learn to fly paranoia picking the peddles walking through the stinging nettles wondering when this stomach will settle pain and poverty in the rain always knowing that Im not sane looking to this knife for something to gain running through time Im lost in its game passing day to day it all ends the same knife in hand with which I maim want to chase my shadow?

:( [25 Nov 2004|11:19pm] I just dont even know what to say anymore. I just cant do this, I cant function, I cant continue to try when I see no real results. 2 took a chance| want to chase my shadow?

[17 Nov 2004|11:43pm] I just don't know what to do anymore. Im so lost and alone. Im at the point in my life where I just cant seem to keep going on. I was doing better I was struggling through with the help of my councellor. But now I took all of that away from myself. I fucked up and school adn now here I am. Im paying for my bad deeds. Everything I do just comes back to haunt me. I swear I cant even do anything right anymore. Ive been doing some deep soul searching latly adn I just dont know how Ive made it this far, Im a pthetic wretch, a pitiful excuse for a human being, adn dont feed mem any of that bullshit about how Im not, I know how I feel inside, Im the one who has been wishing and praying for death everyday. I hope that everyyday that I wake up that this will be my last day on this earth. Yeah one of my so called friends yelled at me today because as it was put to me "Im always down" well fuck what the hell do they expect from me. Anotherone I dont know how she was diagnosed with depression, her problem is drugs, I helped keep her clean and she is back at it, Im sure she will end up back in the hospital again soo too. she jsut doesnt get it. Nobody gets it. It is plain to see to everyone, no matter how hard I try to cover it up that Im insanly depressed, I try to cheer myself up, do the things I love. like today I went fishing after getting ditched by our professional guide that we payred like $400 to and he never showed. I went sfishing on my own adn you know what happened? My favorite fishing real, one that I spent $125 broke, yup broke. Not to mention in the past 2 weeks I have busted 3 fishing rods. I swear I just cant even fish anymore, the thing that I loved the most adn could do the best I cant even do right anymore. Im about ready to loose my mind. Today was the first day i had talked to people online in like almost a week I think. I feel like Im a bother to everyone. Half the peopel I try to talk to never even respond, its liek if you are going to be like that then just fucking block me. I dont even know whats up with a few peopel we used to be close and now its like we never talk anymore. Yeah Im sure this is my fault, Im sure somehow Im just driving anyone and everyone away. I have never in my life needed a IRL by my side. A friend girlfriend someone to just pick my ass up outta this slump cause I cant seem to do it myself. I cant even cry anymore, I cant no matter how hard I try to or need to ll it is is a sob adn no tears, I have cruied tooo much adn my heart is so cold now. Bad shit happenes so much I am used to it. Noo need to shed tears over shit that is almost expected to go wrong. My parents know I am not doing well. that is easy to see. finally got a T appointment Dec. 2nd. But they can see Im struggling. Its obvious. They just feel helpess adn are worried about me, hell everysone seems worried aboutr me. Im sorry all I really am you shouldnt worry about me, I dont want anyone to worry about me, please dont. This is my life, my pain, my depression you should not have to worry. SO I sit here and just listen to music all night, dont sleep at all just sit here sorta drifting in and out of reality, always have something to worry about, something to keep my mind racing, something to keep me awake. Whether it is the stinging itch from that fresh wound or pussy burn, or that thought about the previous day, or the urge to end it all, somethign keeps me up, something keeps me awake into the darkes relms of the night, hoping, dreaming, adn wishing for that day when I will finally lay at rest. When I finally wont have this ache in my heart, frown on my face, adn arm covered by scars, none of that will matter then. Yeah one of my so called friends yelled at me today because as it was put to me "Im always down" well fuck what the hell do they expect from me. Anotherone I dont know how she was diagnosed with depression, her problem is drugs, I helped keep her clean and she is back at it, Im sure she will end up back in the hospital again soo too. she jsut doesnt get it. Nobody gets it. It is plain to see to everyone, no matter how hard I try to cover it up that Im insanly depressed, I try to cheer myself up, do the things I love. like today I went fishing after getting ditched by our professional guide that we payred like $400 to and he never showed. I went sfishing on my own adn you know what happened? My favorite fishing real, one that I spent $125 broke, yup broke. Not to mention in the past 2 weeks I have busted 3 fishing rods. I swear I just cant even fish anymore, the thing that I loved the most adn could do the best I cant even do right anymore. Im about ready to loose my mind. Today was the first day i had talked to people online in like almost a week I think. I feel like Im a bother to everyone. Half the peopel I try to talk to never even respond, its liek if you are going to be like that then just fucking block me. I dont even know whats up with a few peopel we used to be close and now its like we never talk anymore. Yeah Im sure this is my fault, Im sure somehow Im just driving anyone and everyone away. I have never in my life needed a IRL by my side. A friend girlfriend someone to just pick my ass up outta this slump cause I cant seem to do it myself. I cant even cry anymore, I cant no matter how hard I try to or need to ll it is is a sob adn no tears, I have cruied tooo much adn my heart is so cold now. Bad shit happenes so much I am used to it. Noo need to shed tears over shit that is almost expected to go wrong. My parents know I am not doing well. that is easy to see. finally got a T appointment Dec. 2nd. But they can see Im struggling. Its obvious. They just feel helpess adn are worried about me, hell everysone seems worried aboutr me. Im sorry all I really am you shouldnt worry about me, I dont want anyone to worry about me, please dont. This is my life, my pain, my depression you should not have to worry. SO I sit here and just listen to music all night, dont sleep at all just sit here sorta drifting in and out of reality, always have something to worry about, something to keep my mind racing, something to keep me awake. Whether it is the stinging itch from that fresh wound or pussy burn, or that thought about the previous day, or the urge to end it all, somethign keeps me up, something keeps me awake into the darkes relms of the night, hoping, dreaming, adn wishing for that day when I will finally lay at rest. When I finally wont have this ache in my heart, frown on my face, adn arm covered by scars, none of that will matter then. 4 took a chance| want to chase my shadow?

[10 Nov 2004|02:35pm] When did depression and SI become so popular. I was reading about some newer bands adn came accross one. "bnads name here" the newest member to depression rock What the heck? Do these peopel feel it is marketable? Since when did a problem, a serious disease become marketable. Bands like these usher in a new wave of kids who think it is cool to be depressed. I can understand everyone is depressed adn have no prblem with bands playing music that is depressing music or what not, but where I draw the linbe is when they are marketed for their depression. It jsut pisses me off. I was wanderign aroudn a mall (yes I actually went outside today) adn was browsing through a music and DVD store when a bunch of gals that couldnt have been 13 or more were gathered around the movie Girl Interupted ( a good movie by any standard) but the thing that irked me is one of the gals was like, Oh I can relate to so and so because Tommy said he liked me in english but then in math he would not even look at me adn Oh Im so depressed. WTF? Being depressed is not having one little thing happen to you, nothing even has to happen to trigger depression, but it seems nowadays when a person has a bad day it is not oh I just had a bad day, it is oh Im so depressed today. Depression is a long term debilitating problem, not just from having a bad day. I must be way out of touch with things, or maybe Im just odd. But it also pisses me off when people feel liek they are obligated to dress up soley like a goth or punk just because they feel depressed, their are reasons and ideals behind being gothic or punk, most punks adn goths arnt even depressed. Im 22 I have been depressed for 12 years now adn never once have I dressed up as a goth or punk, if you saw me I look normal. Is this a desperate attempt buy the younger generations, all the way down to 10 year olds, to grasp for attention. What is causeing all of this disheval in our young society today? Is it the unstableness of the american family? The general meanes our society is showing? Or is it something deeper like genetics and overpopulation? It is just scary when walking arounf the mall the majority of the young ones I see are not dressing in A and E or GAp or Old navy, but have clad themselves in things from hot topic or pacific sun. Is the tables shifting from it being cool to be popular to being cool to being depressed? Mayeb it was just a weird day, or maybe I was just loking for all of this, or maybe in the past I have blinded myself to this. But since when have peopel come into the open with their SI. For the most part I keep mine covered up whenever it is possible. But it seems that since more and more peopel SI less peopel try to cover it up. When walking through the mall and eyeing a person wearing short sleeve adn shorts having their arm and leg covered in cuts is that really what you want to see. I understadn that we all need help in some form. But I can see why peopel especially the flammers around gaia get the idea that SI is for attention when you see peopel waliking around without a care in the world about their cuts. I know that they may not be cutting for attention but it can come oaccross that way to people who may not be as understanding as I am, you know? It is weird when even my parents want me to come out into the open about my SI, they want me to wear short sleeves around the house, they also think I have stopped :stare: Is this just me, am I old fashioned or what? I dont know I am jsut lost in thought and woprries today. Are peopel going to become so accustomed to SI that help may not be offered to the ones who truly need it the most? I cant help to think that SI as a problems has been ignored for too long, and what if this issue in society has become too big to really handle. When the pure numbers show that way too many peopel have or do SI and so many more a day are picking it up, and unfortionatly, a lot of them because they think it is cool . the media while also trying to attract some attention to an issues that needs a lot of help has in some way unintentionally possed it as being cool or popular to cut or SI. Sorry for htis long post I just have so much on my mind today. I am weighed down by all of this thought. I have been slowly unraveling my past in my head in search for understanding for what I have done and what has been done to me. I was going to go into my issues in this post but I am sure I have bored you all to death already so I will shut up. 4 took a chance| want to chase my shadow?

[03 Nov 2004|11:46pm] You wanted it here it comes the long awaited update... long indeed Yeah so it has been a while since I updated this thing. So Uh yeah I am truthfully weird. I'm kristen's ll, well there are a few other gals that sorta treat adn talk to me like Im a gal, its kinda weird. I really doont mind cause I like helping people out but it is kinda odd when it is a common occurance, I consider a few of these people good friends. So I am trying to understadn what it is about myself. It is sort of weird but IRL I have almost go guy friends that most of them are female, that I am uncomfortable around guys actually. I much rather hang out with women? Scary thought is if I was a female I probly really would be a lesbian. Even in high school most of my friends were female, I was their "tedd-bear" the few friends I had that is, the only male friend I hade was jon. The rest were mostly gals. Even look on here, I think almost all the members are female, online all my friends are female. Its sorta got me feeling all weirded out. I always could have had a gf if I wanted one ( I cant understand this though because honestly I am not all that attractive but have basicly been in a relationship after a relationship for over 4 years straight) I just also found out that my best friend from college that I helped out a lot (Angel) who i hooked up with koz, and they are still together, been 3 years now. Well she still has a huge crush on me. WTF? So uh yeah why is this. Just stuff like that, and the fact that on lj and blurty every single one of the people on my friends list are female, the majority of the people on my AIM list are female. Oh wow so why am I saying all this? good question so a question, why is this? Am I like the gay friend but not gay? Is it because I car? Do I act feminine? Do I really hate guys that much, if so why? Ok so issues with my parents, I told them absolutly everything. SO now they say they cant trust me, that Ive lied to them off adn on, well yeah no shit Ive lied. But if they can not trust me Im not even going to bother to tell them anything when everythign I have told them they use against me. Now they are cutting a check for some old bills I owe adn using that as I should do everything they tel me too, they are basicly blackmailing me I fucking harte this I reallly cant do this anymore. I dont have anybody to talk to anymore My parents want tot be my best friend. They drill me with stupid questions all the time. I havnt been home 2 days and Im hating it. They ask detailed questions about all of my friends. They have no clue who are my better friends adn just never seem to understand anything I tell them. They are doing what they think is right for me, but never stopped to ask me, their soon to be 22 year old son what would really help him out adn will not listen to him. They ripped me out of college when I had all the time in the world to withdraw, Yeha I was home all day today adn have been around them for maybe a grand total of 2 hrs. You ever have people in your life that have paid absolutly no attention to you for years upon years adn one day they totally change and want to know everything and annoy the fuck out of you adn you cant help but be wondering what their motives are? yeah thats my parentals. They still seem to only want to hear that I am doing ok, Im not GOD DAMMIT. I am not ok, I am worse than when I was at school I had friends adn a support group their here I have nothing. I want to go to a hospital. I need to be around a small group of people, large grroups freek me out, just my small social circle playing group councellor for all of them, getting their issues straightened out adn helping them by. It helps me to realize their are others who suffer too, it helps me to help others. That is why I am switching to psych next semester adn fuck what my parents want me to do. That is what I have always wanted to do help others with their issues. Yeah I like the major I am in but that is just manual labor adn I cant be doing that with a deteriorating body or when I get old ya know? I need something that is going to make me happy. Im struggling really bad right now. I want to cut myself open adn bleed. Ive been incredibly depressed adn the night before I canme home I got 11 more staples. Shhhh the units dont know though. I swear they even tried to give me a fuckin curfew. GOD DAMMIT realize Im almost 22 and treat me like a man, Nobody ever asks my oppinion. You know the day they were supposed to help me move out of the dorms we siad noon, they woke me up knocking on my fucking dorm at 8 AM. 4 fucking hours early say8ing they thought we might get a head start, they proceeded to empty my dorm room adn we were done at 9 a full 3 hours before they were even supposed to get there. It pisses me off. Ya know they lie to me all the3 time or stretch or bend what they said, they use what I have said done or ow them against me. In their own twisted way they are really fucking manipulative. They have made me feel embarrased because what I have done has really been dragging mom down. Why should I feel so bad for feeling some way that I cant help. They make me feel embarrased to feel depressed. They try to sit here adn plot out my day, like to the dot. Today I got yelled at cause I slept in till 11. Slept in? when I went to class I never got up till noon, I had all 1 PM classes. and now I have to change the way I am to get up early adn do absolutly nothing? No. Its bullshit. They are trying to tell me when and how I can go see my friends. WHICH FUCKING PISSES ME OFF. They swore up adn down that Id be able to drive out adn see my friends whenever I wanted to but no, noew they are trying to tell me I cant. Fuck them Ill do what I want. They dont like it they can deal with it or Ill move out. I want to move out, I just dont have the cash adn dont think in my condition I could get a job. Id rather live on the streets again (just like I did for a few months a few years ago) than to have to be totally opressed and a slave to my own family. Wouldnt be all that bad, Id have a truck to sleep in instead of wherever I could find that was dry. You really would be suprised how many people hire you under the table to do things, and with my pickup I could make deliveries adn stuff adn Im sure I could always get a job, well never mind I dont think peopel need to know that. Just Im tired of people telling me what I can and cant do when Im 22 years old. 4 took a chance| want to chase my shadow?

alone [25 Oct 2004|05:14am] I have never EVER felt more alone adn suicidal than I do at this instant if I had a vehicle Id drive myself to a hsopital. I have never needed a friend more than I do now adn I cant seem to find one. 6 took a chance| want to chase my shadow?

[21 Oct 2004|06:05pm] Latly its been fucked up. My closer friends I have sorta isolated from barely talked to anyone online at all just sit here doing nothing and I dotn know why I want to talk to people but I just feel like an attention whore adn the only way I can not feel that way is to not talk to people. Thats the only way I can be sure that Im not an attention whore because I feel like one. My parents have been pressign me a lot to keep talking with them adn updating them on how I am doing adn talking to me almost everyday, Im not going to be rude about it but I am going to have to ask them to back off a little bit it is too much to deal with. My T I sorta lied to told her I didnt SI in the past two weeks when iin the past few days I have done it twice once last night and once another night last night it was bad. Myself? Ive been in turmoil but ive been trying to get better I am isolating sorta adn being forced to isolate othertimes. I have been haning out with peopel a little more latly but for the most part I am still alone in the room. I have been totally lost in such deep thoughts latly analizing what I feel adn what I feel liek that and what the causes are and what Ive been doing because of those feeligns adn all sorts of stuff. Looking back I can see that those who have made my life miserable all the way up through most likly had their share of problems, abusive families or families where they got no attention so they greww up in fear adn with the only understanding of how to get popular adn noticed to pick on others adn that was the way to fit in. So people trying to avoided being harassed in turn turned around and became the people who did the harasing. That they probably lacked self confidence adn that is how they made themselves feel better by putting others down. That those kids that I got into scuffles adn fights with were most likly physically abused or beaten and that was what they were taught you dotn like something or somene you "punish" them. So they in turn became abusers themselves. That from the harassement I could not realize that because I was so young and looked into myself to try to figure what I had done wrong, what i had done to deserve the harassement of peers adn the abuse of peopple in athority. I thought I had done something to deserve it so I started to hate myself adn that is where some of the earliest urges to hurt myself came from, so in turn I too became adn abuser, except not of others but myself. I turned the abuse liek all others had, onto myself. Not just cutting but I was a very rough and tumble kid always getting bruises adn pushing his body to the limits constantly. Eventually my abuse turned into self injury. That the competative nature of a friend grew into hatred from him towards me because I never wanted to compete but just to have fun in sports, and excape of mine but always could keep up with him. FRom my fights adn rough adn tumble lifestyle as a kid I grew muscles adn eventually became one of the strongest kids in my grade, by my senior year benching 250 pounds. But as a teen this is what ended any urge from others to try to assult me, I could return as much or more damage as they dished out. I began to win most fist fights I got into and learned quickly how to defend myself. I learned how to hit hard adn take a hit. In turn I learned how to abuse. As soon as the fights ended I vowed never to start a fight ever, only end them. I have never in my life taken the first swing in a fist fight. more to come 1 took a chance| want to chase my shadow?

[19 Oct 2004|12:04am] ok thats it, if you are going to post anonamously post your name with it or something that will make me know who you are. Im tired of having to scratch my head trying to figure out who you are. Otherwise Ill either disable anonamous posting or delete your post. No offfense but its just irritating. I think I know who it was in the last post only one person that calls me Jamesy, and well she doesnt really care about me cause she pretty much told me to go kill myself right after I got back from alaska , Kristen Downeyt was that you by chance? If it was then Id appreciate that you never EVER post in my journal again. If it was someone else then I do appologize for this rant. Anyone that knows me knows Im not like that usually and Im not a mean person at all, dont have a mean bone in my body Just that gal hurt me a lot, a real lot. Im not doing to well tonight. Been really down, Just been having a really hard time. I am trying to be more social so I have been oging to different clubs well tonight was anime club and well dont think Ill ever go back, never seen a bigger bunch of horney college students, It freeked adn wigged me out not to mention disguseted me, have more respect for yourself peopel. Been talkin to a few people that I met while I was in the hos just talking adn supporting eachother when we need it the most. It is funny I seemed to connect with 2 peeps, Jess adn Kristina, both really cool gals right around my age, jess goes to my school adn Kristina to a different one 30 mins away. Kristina and I get along pretty well, Jess is pretty cool too. SO I made 2 good friends finally adn ya know what? I get in trouble for it. I guess we arnt supposed to talk with people we met in there, well too fucking bad Im talkin to them anyways we shared eachothers pain in our worst times in the hos so we can support eachother now. they are not sure how to approach my SI, heh not even sure how to phrase it but thats ok they really care adn are here for me, Im not doing to well with the sorta gf Kauri, I have barely been talking to her isolating from her. I just cant hurt her.. this distance is too much I guess I sorta want to scare her away, and that kills me . I just dont know anymore people I reallyly dont , 4 took a chance| want to chase my shadow?

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